ch. 21: if i could fly
Jeno sighs for the nth time that night as he slips on his shoes by the front door. His father’s lecture from dinner is still fresh in his mind, and it plays like a broken record as he stands up and slips on his coat.
He steps out into the frigid air of the night, a shiver running up his spine but he’d much rather freeze right now than stay in the house where his thoughts can’t seem to leave him alone. He walks down the familiar streets of his hometown, a slight grimace on his face as his father’s voice loops through his head.
He needs a drink. Maybe even several drinks. But unfortunately for him, the nearest convenience store in this stupid town was a twenty minute walk, and it would have closed by the time he got there.
He passes his elementary school as he walks and he stops, taking in a deep breath. The playground was painted over a bright yellow, but even then he could see the chips and cracks that came with time. He walks onto the rubber flooring and sits on a swing, the seat being just a bit too small for him but he didn’t care. He shuts his eyes and rests his head against the rope, the thoughts in his mind running rampant as he swings himself slowly.
As he sits on the swing, he can’t help but remember the time you and him were together at the playground near campus. A small huff of laughter leaves his lips as he remembers his own drunken antics, and a fond smile etches it’s way onto his features as he thinks about how well you took care of him despite him being an asshole at the time.
God, he misses you. He misses your laugh thats slightly too loud and the way your eyes twinkle whenever you’re telling your friends about the new book you’ve started to read. He misses the way you furrow your brows when you’re concentrated during dance practice and the way you always try to crack a joke to keep the mood up when everyone’s tired. He misses you, in your entirety, but you were probably back home getting closer to Jaemin while he was stuck here getting hounded by his father every day for the next two weeks.
He sighs heavily, leaning forward and putting his head in his hands. He’s drowning in an amalgamation of thoughts and he can’t use alcohol to drown them out this time, so he just lets the cold numb his hands and face as he sits pitifully in the small swing.
“Oh no. Are you drunk again?”
His head snaps up when he hears your sweet-like-honey voice flood his very cold ears and his eyes lock onto yours, the thoughts that were clouding his head screeching to an abrupt stop as he looks at you for the first time in three weeks.
“Y/N?” His voice comes out raspy because the cold air has completely dried his throat, and he coughs before calling out to you again. “Y-Y/N?”
You sigh, running a gloved hand through your hair, “I had a feeling this would happen. How much did you have?”
“Alcohol! How much did you drink tonight?” You kneel in front of him with your eyebrows stitched together in slight exasperation and worry. “Whats with you and sitting in below freezing weather when you’re drunk? Are you trying to get frost bite or something?”
He’s still trying to wrap his head around the fact that you’re actually real and in front of him as you scold him for his lack of appropriate clothing.
“God, you can’t even answer me. Where did you even get alcohol in this fuckass town?” You mumble, taking off your mittens and attempting to put them on his larger hands.
Although his hands are partially numb, he could feel the way your warm fingers gently touch his palm, and he snaps out of his lovestruck daze.
“I’m…I’m not drunk but what are you…why are you here?” He speaks breathlessly, partially because he’s very sure the cold is squeezing his lungs and partially because you’ve gotten impossibly prettier since the last time he saw you.
“You’re not drunk? Really?” You quirk a brow at him, holding up two fingers. “How many fingers am I holding up?”
“Two. Now, answer my question. What are you doing here?” His eyes trace your features as realization dawns on you and you blink at him.
“Oh, well…I came to see you,” Your face softens as you look at him, your hand still holding his as you try to squeeze your mitten on.
He definitely wishes he was drunk right now. At least then, it could excuse the way his heart soars when you tell him you came all this way just to see him.
“How did you…when did you…god, I have so many questions,” He lets out huff, shaking his head as he tries to organize his thoughts.
“Why don’t I walk you back home and we can talk? Your hands are shaking and these stupid mittens won’t fit,” You grumble, pulling them off his fingers and putting them back on.
He shakes his head almost immediately, “No. I don’t want to go home right now.”
You let out a soft sigh, nodding. You understand the feeling all too well, so you don’t push him as you move to sit on the tiny swing next to him. A thick silence fills the space between you two as he looks at the ground and you look at him.
“You’re gonna get cold,” He mumbles, eyes glued to the ground.
You scoff, “I’m properly layered, unlike you.”
He lets out a soft laugh at your snarky response, his head shaking in amusement. It’s quiet again for some time, and you look down at your shoes as he speaks up.
“Why’d you come to see me?” He asks quietly, his feet shuffling on the rubber flooring of the playground. When his question is met with silence, he continues speaking, “I mean, you could be at Chenle’s cabin cozying up to Jaemin right now. Why would you-“
“Jeno, I don’t like Jaemin.”
Your words cut him off and he stills, looking down at his shoes before turning his head to look at you with his brows stitched together in confusion. You roll your eyes at his expression, turning your whole body as best as you can in the tiny ass swing to face him.
“You didn’t watch the whole video, you know. If you did, you would have known that Winter was definitely not talking about Jaemin.”
He blinks slowly, your words registering in his brain as his lips form a small ‘o’.
“So…is it Mark?” He asks quietly, and you let out an annoyed groan.
“Oh my god, you’re dumb,” You mumble into your hands, ignoring his noises of protest as you sigh. “No, it’s not Mark.”
He lets out a noise of realization and you smile in relief, his lips settling in a line. “Right. It’s probably Chenle, huh? You guys are always together, I should have known-”
“It’s you! It’s not Jaemin, Mark, Chenle, or Jisung. Or Renjun or Hyuck or even Winter! It’s you, dumbass. I sat on a damn train for two hours and I am now sitting on the world’s most uncomfortable swing at 11pm in the middle of winter because I like you! Does that spell it out for you?”
Despite the freezing cold temperature that nips at his ears and nose, his face grows incredibly hot at your confession, and his lips part in surprise.
“Y-you…I-I…What?” His voice comes out quietly, a strange feeling churning in his chest and rendering him speechless.
You groan again, standing up from the god awful swing and putting your hand up as if you’re taking an oath.
“I, Y/N Y/L/N, like you, Lee Jeno, and probably have since the minute I joined dance. I like that you have the softest spot for your friends even though you try to act like an asshole. I like that you’re passionate about dance and that you do everything you can to encourage our team members to keep going. I like that we like the same snacks and shows, and I like that I never have to pretend to be someone else around you because even if you pretend like you don’t, I know you like me too,” You let out in one big breath.
Jeno doesn’t know what to do or say. He stares at you with slightly wide eyes and parted lips, any form of vocabulary being completely caught in his throat. He tries to absorb the information you just presented him, his brain replaying your words over and over again.
“Okay so you…” He starts, pointing at you, “Like me?” He points back at himself.
“And not…Jaemin? Or any of our other friends?”
“Okay, I thought I made that pretty clear but yeah, thats the gist.”
Jeno’s brain hasn’t malfunctioned like this since taking bio chemistry last semester. He’s staring at you with a million thoughts running through his head, but none of them are coherent enough for him to speak, so he just stares dumbly at you for what feels like ages.
You furrow your brows at his response, moving your hair away from your ears to make sure you heard that correctly, “Okay?”
“I’m sorry, I’ll probably have a better response for you in like, maybe three hours? But it’s really cold right now and I think it’s causing some sort of neurological delay,” He bounces on the balls of his feet in an attempt to garner some warmth.
It was only then did you realize that he was trembling, not from your confession but from the temperature that only seems to be dropping as you two stand in the playground.
“Oh shit, yeah, let’s get you warmed up. Let’s go home,” You take off your scarf and wrap it around his head, and you empty your pockets of the heat packs you brought and stuff them into his hands.
“I already told you, I don’t want you to-“
“Not that home. Home where everyone else is,” You sigh quietly, “Jaemin already talked to your dad and got your stuff from the house. They should be here to pick us up and take us to the station any minute now.”
“They?” He quirks a brow.
As if on queue, you both turn your heads at the sound of a car honking and see a white SUV pull up in front of the playground. The driver window rolls down and Jaemin sticks his head out, a playful smile on his face as he waves at the two of you. Mark and Jisung follow suit, their heads sticking out of the backseat window as they wave.
“Our train leaves in 20 minutes! Are you two done making out or what?” You hear Chenle’s voice call out from the passenger seat, and you and Jeno both laugh at the way Jaemin grimaces at the volume.
“Come on. Let’s go home,” You smile at Jeno.
His lips are completely frozen, and he’s sure if he moves them too much they’ll crack and bleed, but despite that he manages a small smile and nods, walking towards the car with you.
The entire ride to the train station is a blur for Jeno, your confession weighing heavily on his mind as he stares blankly out the window. The guys buzz with excitement and are going on about what he’s missed since he left, but he drowns all of it out as he contemplates what to do about the fact that you like him. He’s in a daze up until you’re all seated on the train, and Mark pipes up from across the aisle.
“Hey, it’ll be new years in one minute! We should start counting down,” Mark buzzes.
“Don’t remind me. I should be having a rager at my cabin right now,” Chenle grimaces, glaring half heartedly at Jeno.
As Mark starts counting down the minute, Jisung shushes him and ushers him to sit back down in his seat, “Stop that. We’re in public.”
“Theres no one else in the cart besides us! Come on! 15…14…” Mark continues, and you laugh from your seat next to Jeno at his excitement. Jeno’s shoulder gently nudges yours to get your attention and you turn your head to him.
“You’re sure you like me?” He asks quietly, a hint of nervousness and something close to desperation lingering in his soft gaze.
“Yes, Jeno. I’m sure I like you,” You reassure him with a smile.
“Like, how sure?” He presses.
You let out a quiet huff of laughter, “Very sure. So sure I’m willing to bet money on it.”
Jeno’s heart nearly bursts at the seams when your hand accidentally brushes his, and his eyes flicker to Mark, now joined by Chenle, who counts down the last few seconds to the new year.
As the train passes through a tunnel and is plunged into darkness, Jeno leans forward and gently presses his lips against yours. His hand gently cradles your jaw, bringing you closer to him as he kisses you tenderly.
You’re taken aback by the action, your ears ringing half from the way your body seems to buzz at the feeling of his lips and half from the shriek that comes from Jisung as the cart is enveloped in darkness. You’re frozen too long for Jeno’s liking, and he pulls away with worried eyes, thinking he overstepped his boundaries.
You don’t waste another second as you pull him back in by his hoodie, your hands bunching the material as your lips mold with his. His body melts in relief at your touch, and both of his hands come up to cup your cheeks as he kisses you back with every ounce of love and tenderness his body held for you.
When both pull apart, the train is dimly lit again and you’re both slightly out of breath, the smiles on your faces undeniable as you look at each other. Somewhere in the background, you can hear the guys teasing Jisung for his girlish scream, but you can’t afford to pay any mind to that right now when Jeno sits in front of you with his cheeks flushed pink and his eyes filled with nothing but adoration.
“Happy new year, Jeno,” You breathe out, your voice hushed as you let go of his hoodie and smooth out the creases that you caused.
Jeno’s eyes never leave your face as you sheepishly fix his hoodie, and his hands move to gently hold yours in his lap. The voice that tells him he might never be good enough for you is drowned out with the rest of the noise in the cart, and as he stares at your softened features and the way you smile at him so prettily, he decides then and there that he would be okay as long as he was yours.
Jaemin watches with a fond smile as Mark and Chenle count down for the new year, his shoulders shaking with laughter as Jisung cowers in his seat out of embarrassment. His ears perk up when he hears Jeno speak to you from the seats behind him, and he listens in as he asks you if you’re sure you like him.
Typical Jeno, he thinks, rolling his eyes at his friend’s very uncool line of questioning. When the train passes through the tunnel and Jisung lets out a less than manly cry next to him, he notices the silence from behind him and decides to peek through the crack between the seats to see what you two were doing.
His eyes struggle to adjust to the inky darkness in the cart, but he swears he can see what looks like the outline of two people pressed against each other, and he gasps quietly, swatting Jisungs arm.
“Dude! I think they’re kissing, but I can’t see!” He whispers, trying to get a better view without disrupting your moment.
“Who’s that?! Who just touched me?!” Jisung shrieks, and Jaemin slouches back in his seat with a blank stare at the coward beside him.
“Dude, seriously? I’ve been right next to you this whole time,” He mutters, the younger boy putting his hands out and touching the seat in front of him.
“What did you say? It’s too dark, I can’t hear you!”
“What does that have to do with-“
The train cart is dimly lit again and Jisung lets out a sigh of relief, Jaemins face twisted into a slight scowl at his dramatics.
When he peeks through the crack between the seats again, he sees Jeno holding your hands and he smiles, settling back in his seat with his arms crossed over his puffed out chest triumphantly.
Jisung turns to him in an attempt to ignore the teasing coming from beside him. “What are you all smug about?”
“The fruits of my labor are ripe and beautiful, my friend. And I am enjoying them thoroughly.”
Jisung’s eyebrow twitches up in a look of confusion and slight concern, before he turns away from him.
NOTES: did you guys like this chapter do you guys love me if i were an ant would you step on me….anyhow i hope you guys love this chapter as much as i do!!! had me geeking and giggling fr. next chapter probably soon because im going on vacation next week and i don’t want you guys to starve (again…)🫂
