Blech, why do delivery men always feel the need to soak themselves in a fifty-gallon drum of cologne? What is it they’re trying to cover up? The tell-tale effluvium of the nightmare corpse-city of R'lyeh and its green, slimy vaults?

Stray Thoughts on Top Gun, in No Particular Order

I first saw Top Gun at the drive-in, on a double bill with the Tom Hanks/Shelley Long screwball comedy The Money Pit.

At least half the girls at my high school spent years in a Kelly-McGillis-in-Top-Gun Lookalike Contest. Categories included:

• Permed bob with sun-streaked highlights
• Perfectly distressed bomber jacket
• Bright lipstick (usually coral, rarely red)
• Aviator shades and watch with gold mesh band
• Stonewashed Levis and bright white tee for everyday
• Straight dark skirt and bright white blouse for special occasions

I have no way of knowing how true this is, but my old dentist claimed he went to dental school with Tom Cruise’s dentist, and that he used to call him up after each of Tom’s new movies and roast him about the appearance of his teeth.

Up until a few years ago when my health no longer permitted it, I used to be involved in a lot of projects at this really cool outdoor theater I’m sure I’ve mentioned here before. The artistic director’s brother is a professor of medieval studies, and always brought a batch of his home-brewed mead to every cast party. It was amazing stuff. I started a tradition of making the first toast, “I feel the need. The need for mead!”

I’ve only directed stage shows and never movies, but if you’ve followed me for a while you’ve probably noticed that I’m interested in how scenes are blocked and/or shot when there’s a significant height difference among the actors. Especially when a particular actor has a reputation for being a sassy little so-and-so about it. Anthony Edwards stands a good eight inches higher than Tom Cruise – when you’re a big little star, do you still have to use a regular old apple box, or do you get a fancy apple box all your own, with non-slip treads and safety railings and your name spelled out in glow tape? Or maybe everyone else has to stand in a hole instead. They each have to dig their own hole with a spoon and then stand in it and then eat their lunch with their digging spoon.