Tag: 2023

The Girl of Destiny

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★★★
“Lost in translation.”

I’m very cautiously giving this one our middest of mid-tier ratings, which I reserve the right to change in future. Because this one showed up on one of the… “less official”, let’s say Chinese movie channels on YouTube. While the likes of Youku and iQiyi make the effort to deliver subtitles which are typically at least intelligible, I’d say the subs here reached such a level, only about one line in five. Then I still had to figure out cultural context for this period piece, which also seemed to reference local folklore. I guess I should be grateful the soundtrack here was intact. The previous night, I’d watched another film on the same channel which, I kid you not, had random bursts of musak injected, presumably to avoid YouTube’s automated copyright system.

I have to discuss all this, because consequently, I really can’t describe the plot in more than the vague terms. It takes place in Shang Dynasty China, the earliest period for which there’s evidence, when the country was under threat from invasion by the Luo people. A heroine arose to stand against them, Fu Hao (You), who was destined by fate to be the country’s saviour. [There’s something here about her being descended from a heavenly bird, but I am absolutely vague on the details there!] She teams up with the Emperor’s heir, Wu Ding (Ma), despite the objections of his father. For the emperor wants him to marry a noble-born, yet less heroic woman (Li), rather than a peasant girl like Fu Hao.

It reminds me of the various versions of the Mulan legend, with a plucky heroine coming out of nowhere, when the country needs her most. There doesn’t appear to be quite the same element of needing to hide her identity; though for reasons discussed above, it’s hard to tell. I will say, it looks better than I anticipated, with some impressively large-scale battles. I was a bit concerned they were going to make her fly, in line with her avian lineage. Fortunately, Fu Hao’s talents appear to lie particularly in things like mountain climbing; there’s a nice moment where she and Wu Ding jump out a high window to escape, landing on a kite being flown by an ally.

If the broad strokes here are all decent, there’s a severe lack of detailed depth – again, that may be me more than the film. It does also feel rather comfortable and safe. It ended up exactly where I expected – she basically sends the Luo leader home, after giving him a good telling-off – and I don’t think any significant plot development (of the ones I understood!) came as the slightest surprise. I get the sense it may have been quite jingoistic, pitting the heroic Chinese against evil foreign invaders. Hardly the first there, and it wasn’t especially egregious. If this ever appears in a more intelligible version, I’ll probably give it a re-review. I feel it deserves that.

Dir: Dong Wei
Star: You Jingru, Ma Xueyang, Ma Shuliang, Li Linfei

Baltimore

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★★★
“The art of terrorism.”

Going off the Wikipedia article about Rose Dugdale, I can’t help feeling this could have been more epic than it was. I mean, a former debutante who, “As an IRA member, took part in the theft of paintings worth IR£8 million, a bomb attack on a Royal Ulster Constabulary station using a hijacked helicopter, and developed a rocket launcher” which used – I kid you not – packets of biscuits to absorb the recoil. There’s so much there, it feels a shame the movie focuses almost entirely on the art theft. This was carried out in 1974, raiding a stately home in rural Ireland (fun fact: the house was used as a location in Haywire), with the aim of swapping the paintings for the release of prisoners. 

That said, the film does a good job of weaving several strands together. Firstly, Rose’s upbringing, and her conversion from a wealthy upbringing to political firebrand, and subsequently terrorist for the Irish Republican cause. Then there’s the actual robbery itself, and finally, the aftermath as Rose (Poots) and her two accomplices (Vaughan-Lawlor and Brophy) hide out and try to make their demands. It is definitely a sympathetic portrayal, which quietly ignores her role in civilian deaths. For instance, Dugdale made the device for the 1992 Baltic Exchange bombing in London, which killed three. And incidentally, blew up the office where I worked, around the corner in Bevis Marks. This may explain why I feel less charitably inclined towards her than the story wants.

Poots’s performance is solid enough to overcome my kneejerk aversion, and Rose as a character is depicted as someone who’s worthy of respect. You definitely get the sense she was genuine about her commitment to ‘The Cause’, born of an honest rejection of her privileged life. In this rebellion against her upbringing, she feels somewhat like a more ideologically committed, English version of Patty Hearst. [Hearst was kidnapped the same year as Rose’s robbery, and ended up robbing banks with the Symbionese Liberation Army] The film does skip over exactly how she went from activist, to hijacking a helicopter in order to drop milk churns on police stations – an incident only referenced in passing on a radio broadcast. 

What this does, it does well though. There’s an escalating sense of tension and paranoia, with Rose eventually ending up on her own (her accomplices were never caught, according to a final caption), as the net closes in. She agonizes over whether to kill a local who might suspect her, and if she should tell her boyfriend (Meade) about her pregnancy. However, while it’s far superior to Poots’s terrible Black Christmas remake, after reading the Wikipedia page, I was left hungry for further details. This feels closer to an episode of a TV series about Dugdale, rather than a fully rounded depiction of her life. I think I might end up going deeper into an apparently fascinating woman who, at her trial, pronounced herself “proudly and incorruptibly guilty”.

Dir: Joe Lawlor and Christine Molloy
Star: Imogen Poots, Tom Vaughan-Lawlor, Lewis Brophy, Jack Meade
a.k.a. Rose’s War

The ‘Angels of Vengeance’ trilogy

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The history of action heroines can’t be told without a chapter on China and Hong Kong. When we watched Michelle Yeoh kick butt in Yes, Madam, did we ever think she’d be an Oscar winner? She’s just the best-known product of a system which also gave us the likes of Moon Lee, Cynthia Khan and Maggie Q. The golden era for Hong Kong Girls With Guns films, was arguably the late eighties, but it’s never died away entirely. In the past few years, I’ve been finding a rich vein of recent Chinese GWG movies on YouTube. Streaming films took off there during COVID, with makers churning out a high-volume of films, in the action, horror and SF genre. Naturally, some fall under our remit.

Though researching them has been a bit problematic. Certain… “unofficial” channels, shall we say, will post the films with titles which are largely useless in terms of finding cast, crew, or even the film’s name. For instance, I discovered this franchise via a post titled, and I quote, “【FULL MOVIE】The beautiful police officers compete with criminal gangs in a battle of wits and courag”. In the comments, someone revealed it was called Angels of Vengeance 2. I thought I’d found part one on YT… But despite having the title Angels of Vengeance, none of the synopsis or cast info matched up. It turned out to be a mis-titled copy of Angel Warriors.

This issue actually feels like a throwback to the eighties, when the In the Line of Duty series, for example, had almost different titles in every country. Similarly, you’re sometimes dealing with subtitles that are less than optimal, and as we’ll see, audio is a sadly common problem too. However, after some further research, I eventually hit the mother lode, finding all three movies with English subs on Youku’s YouTube channel. The Chinese title of the franchise is 辣警狂花, which according to Google translates as “Hot policeman crazy flower.” I guess Angels of Vengeance will do under the circumstances.

Information on the franchise, director or actresses involved is hard to come by. In fact, at the time of writing in late 2024, this would appear to be the first English-language coverage the trilogy will have ever received. I love that: discovering obscurities is, to me, one of the joys of the site, especially when they end up being generally more entertaining than many a better-known production. But to quote the lyrics to the song which close out the third installment.

The resounding song is the sword of justice
Police badges shine with firm faith
Fear no flying bullets, guns in my hands, shield on my shoulder
I’m fearless to any dangers.
We undertake missions, we maintain the faith
Proceeding with firm steps, we keep going
We’re thunderbolts, charging forward
We safeguard the peace by fighting crime.

Can’t say more than that, really. Here are reviews of each film in the series, and a YouTube playlist of the trilogy.

Angels of Vengeance: Blood Trails

★★★½

This introduces us to the main protagonist, Tang Shi-Yu (Yan), a member of a Chinese SWAT team. She is recruited to infiltrate the drug-running gang belonging to Zhao Wen-jiu (Bai), doing so by rescuing Jiu’s younger sister, Ya-Ya (Mu), who is oblivious to her sibling’s criminal activities, from an attack in a nightclub. Tang’s undercover identity is someone in debt to loan sharks, and Jiu offers to take care of this, if she comes to work for him. After proving her loyalty, and also rescuing Jiu from an assassination attempt, she’s successfully embedded in the organization. But things are complicated, due to the reason behind the hit. Jiu killed someone close to his rival, Chen Jia-hua (Zheng), and Chen is out for revenge.

The obvious target for that is Ya-Ya, who is kidnapped, luring Jiu into a confrontation. Eventually, an uneasy peace between producer and distributoris brokered, setting the scene for a major drug deal going down at the docks. Tang informs her colleagues, and plans are put in place for a raid which will sweep up both sets of traffickers. This does a fair amount right, in particular the lead performances of Yan and Bai, which are thoughtful and well-considered. Both come over as smart individuals, and there is a complexity to the gangster which is a little surprising. Indeed, you could argue that, with his relationship to Ya-Ya, and their history, Wen-Jiu is given depth which is largely missing from Shi-yu. She is almost entirely defined by her career.

Tang does an excellent job of maintaining her undercover status, even when drenched in gasoline and threatened with immolation, and takes care of business on the action front when necessary too. I’d like to have seen more from the female members of her support team; outside of a little at the beginning, and a raid on Jiu’s offices, they don’t particularly get to show off their skills much. The ending feels a little underwhelming too, though that may partly be a result of the severely muffled audio during almost the entire sequence [It’s something you sadly need to live with on a lot of Chinese YouTube channels, even the legitimate ones like Youku]

I appreciate the practical effects: especially during the rescue attempt on Ya-Ya, there are real explosions rather than CGI.  It feel like there was good effort put into the script as well, which always keeps moving forward, and Chen’s presence adds an extra twist or two. There’s a great scene when the two gangsters have a meeting in a restaurant; the intensity and tension here is off the charts, and you can sense Tang’s nervousness as she can do nothing except standby and watch. This feels like the kind of film which could easily be remade for a Western audience, and I’d be happy to watch it again. A pretty solid and promising start, delivering a better story and performances than I expected.

Dir: Yuan Shuo
Star: Jessie Yan Jia-ying, Bai Yun-Feng, Mu Lan, Zheng He-Cheng

Angels of Vengeance 2: Top Fugitive 

★★★

This is based around “P2P lending” which was a major thing in China during the mid-2010’s, before the government cracked down on the various dubious pyramid schemes operating under it. A significant number of people lost a lot of money, but going by this relatively contemporary film, it’s still happening, and still problematic. In this case, young women are lured into running up large debts, and when they’re unable to pay, are abducted and sold into sex slavery, to cover the amount owed. I have some questions about exactly how this would operate, but I’m just going to presume the basic scenario makes sense in context for the local audience.

It’s a bit more of an ensemble piece here, with Tang’s SWAT group in Hanjiang City becoming involved after being called in to resolve a hostage situation at a petrol station. Turns out, the two women were victims in the scheme, but as the investigation proceeds, the criminals involved are covering their traces in no uncertain i.e. murderous fashion. Things become rather personal, since SWAT member Hao Miaomiao (Zhao) has lent money to her cousin, Zhang Le-Le (@@@), supposed for education purposes. Turns out Lele’s boyfriend is part of the gang, but when it comes time to kidnap the victim, an administrative mix-up leads to Miaomaio being snatched off the street, rather than Le-Le.

This pushes Shi-Yu’s investigation into overdrive, because they need to find their colleague before she gets shipped permanently out of the country. After Miaomiao is able to get her hands on a phone, she contacts Shi-Yu and is able to send her location. This allows the SWAT team to tool up, and head to the rescue of their colleague. To be honest, the resulting battle represents a clear majority of the action in this installment. Up until that point, there’s a good urban chase sequence, as the team tries to stop a witness from being offed, but this is probably more of a thriller than an action movie. Although it’s still interesting, because of the cultural differences, there are points where it teeters on the edge of TVM territory.

As noted, there  is a better sense of team here, and you get a feeling for the camaraderie between the various members. Witness the affectionate hazing at the end, when Miaomiao tries to skimp on the “thank you” meal for her rescuers. It’s novel to see SWAT people like Ting actively involved in a criminal investigation. This is presumably how things work in China, rather than the sharp demarcation of responsibility with detectives they have in the West. It could have use additional intensity, for example, a greater sense of threat to the victims, as it’s rather too vague on the specifics to present any real peril. The lack of a well-defined antagonist also keeps this one below the bar set by the first installment. It remains a pleasant enough way to pass 85 minutes.

Dir: Yuan Shuo
Star: Jessie Yan Jia-ying, Zhao Jing, Zhang Zi-Yue, Li Ran

Angels of Vengeance 3: Shadow Repose

★★★½

This gets off to an excellent start, depicting the kidnapping and subsequent ransom attempt of Ni-ni, the daughter of industrialist Yang Shi-ke (Bin). He’s getting instructions from the kidnapper, Li Zi-Xiong (Zhou), by phone in order to shake the tail on him, before the drop. As well as following Yang, Tang and her colleagues try to locate the victim, but neither side of this goes perfectly: while they don’t lose the ransom, there’s a trap which leaves Miaomiao badly injured in hospital, and the team with egg on their face. However, SWAT member An Qi (Zhang) suspects there’s more going on than meets the eye, with elements of Yang’s behaviour seeming suspicious.

As seems common throughout the series, we get more time than I expected spent on the villains. In this case, one of them is killed in the first pick-up attempt, which causes his friend to want to kill Ni-Ni. When Li refuses to allow that, the friend swears vengeance against the cops he considers responsible. No prizes for guessing who that is. This adds an additional wrinkle to what might otherwise be a fairly straightforward (though effective enough) kidnapping plot. Between that and Yang’s murky actions, the story is pretty interesting. We’re kept uncertain whether what Yang is doing, is simply to get Ni-ni back safely. Especially after we learn that Li has a long track record of kidnaps – and that the victims there have not come back alive. 

In effect, we have tension between Yang, who is prepared to do anything to recover his daughter, and the authorities, whose main interest seems to be in arresting the criminals, with the hostage’s health falling under the “optional” category. To what extent this reflects the reality of Chinese policy, I can’t say. It makes for an interesting point of consideration. The action has its moments too: there’s a particularly good brawl in a hotel kitchen. The finale is, at least initially, more stealth-oriented than the second part. The team capture one of the kidnappers during another attempt to collect the ransom, and successfully turn him, reminding him of the death penalty he could face – China does not mess about with punishing criminals!

He then returns to the lair, carrying the ransom, and with Tang, An and third member of the team,Yang Fan (Hong Shuang), hidden in the bag. They’re just able to free Ni-Ni before the deception is discovered, leading to an enjoysble and hard-hitting battle against Li and his henchmen (albeit with an ending which merits an “I’m so sure…” comment from this viewer!). Annoyingly, this film suffers from even worse audio problems than the first two entries, in the version provided by Youku. The sound completely vanishes at points, and when it goes, it takes the subtitles with it. The film is strong enough to survive the issue with most of the entertainment value intact. I can’t help thinking, if there had been a better presentation, this one might well have merited our Seal of Approval. Hopefully, there will be more entries to come.

Dir: Yuan Shuo, Wang Ke
Star: Jessie Yan Jia-ying, Zhou Yan, Zhang Lin, Xue Bin

Abigail (2023)

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★★★½
“Heathers: the seventies remix.”

This is now the third film with the same title to be reviewed on the site: no vampires or Russian sorceresses to be found here. This does get an extra half star for genuinely surprising me. In the early stages, I had a strong feeling I knew exactly where this was going to end up going. Men bad, white people bad – and white men? Well, they’re the worst of all. Call it a spoiler perhaps – we’ll get to those – but that is definitely not how this unfolds. It takes place in 1976 Alabama, where teenager Abigail Cole (Cantrell) and her mother Eve (Lynch) have just moved from California. It’s clear this was to get away from “something”.  Exactly what is unclear, but it seems to have had something to do with Abigail’s father.

She makes friends with Lucas (Reed-Brown), who lives next door and is the victim of bullies at school. Initially, Abigail’s behaviour is positively heroic, defending Lucas from his tormentors. Though the film never makes mention of it, Lucas is black. You feel this might have been an issue in seventies Alabama, but the insults hurled at Lucas are entirely of the f-word rather than the n-word, an interesting choice. Anyway, Abigail proves more than capable of taking care of both of them, wielding a baseball-bat, fire extinguisher and axe-handle to good effect.

[Spoilers] However, things are entirely upended when further incidents make it abundantly clear that Abigail is not a heroic vigilante, defender of the oppressed, so much as a psychopath who revels in the opportunity to use violence against others. I did not see that coming. From this point on, just about everything is reversed, because the character for whom you’ve been rooting the entire time, is now the villainess. Conversely, the local cop, who seemed the epitome of racist law-enforcement, turns out to be sympathetic to Lucas and his apparent plight. However, things only cascade further into darkness as we continue on. The truth about Abigail’s missing father comes out, and the body count continues to increase, as efforts are made to clear up the previous corpses. [End spoilers]

There are some plot-holes here: given Abigail and Lucas were hauled into the principal’s office for an incident involving one bully, they would (Lucas particularly, even if Abigail was discounted through seventies sexism) surely be prime suspects in his subsequent disappearance. However, I am prepared to cut it some slack, due to the glorious one-eighty pulled off in the middle, which can only be applauded. Credit in particular to Cantrell’s performance: I’m sure if you go back and watch it again, you would be able to spot the clues to her personality in the earlier scenes. However, I’ve a feeling the impact would likely be less on subsequent viewings, where you know what’s coming. This is likely to be a “one and done” for me, which is why it doesn’t get a seal of approval. Albeit a highly satisfactory “one”.

Dir: Melissa Vitello
Star: Ava Cantrell, Tren Reed-Brown, Hermione Lynch, Gene Farber

American Samurai

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★½
“Dollar-store samurai.”

If I’d realized earlier this was by the director of the underwhelming, non-GWG film, Once Upon a Time in the Apocalypse, I would likely have set my expectations considerably lower. This has much the same “running around the woods after civilization has collapsed” vibe, though I did see Willard has added some digital effects to enhance the post-apocalyptic atmosphere. It is likely an improvement technically, but there just isn’t enough going on here to sustain interest. In this version, the rich have abandoned the failing civilization on Earth and decamped in self-sustaining spaceships. Everyone else has been left to fend for themselves, and this includes the community here, who keep themselves to themselves, deep in the Oregon woods.

In charge of its security are Larkin (Hastings) and her acolyte, Alyssa (Fortuna). They go on regular patrols around the area, or when they get word of strangers who might pose a threat. On one such excursion, they meet Ryan (Pelfrey) who begs for their help, offering them tickets to space if they help him reach the take-off point. Alyssa wants to take him up on the offer, but Larkin over-rules her. However, they come across a couple of the elites, who have returned to Earth on a “hunting expedition”, and the encounter turns lethal. This puts them in the crosshairs of the accompanying, ‘enhanced’ bodyguard (Mann). It poses a dilemma, because the last thing Larkin wants is to bring the pursuer back to their settlement. 

The idea isn’t terrible. Unfortunately, the execution largely is, in a variety of ways. The most obvious one is the action. Using the S-word (incidentally, there is zero connection to the 1992 film of the same name, starring Mark Dacascos) sets… certain expectations in regard to your fight scenes, which Fortuny and Hastings are in no position to meet. Slowly and carefully waving swords about is not an acceptable answer, despite guns and bullets apparently (though not consistently) being in short supply. Too many plot threads never go anywhere of significance. These include both Ryan and his space tickets, as well as little girl Mary, back in the settlement, who is supposed to be in dire need of a doctor – though she looks pretty healthy to me.

Fortuny and Hastings aren’t terrible; the latter grew on me after a shaky start to her performance. Their two characters form a decent contrast, the cautious Larkin with the impetuous and more emotionally driven Alyssa. The individual scenes where they are talking with each other are okay. It’s just there are far too damn many of them, each bringing the film to a halt. Then, when we finally see the settlement, it looks like a well-maintained holiday camp, where a hippie festival is happening (fire dancers!). It’s salutary to contrast this with another recently reviewed low-budget slice of post-apocalyptic cheese, in Ride Hard: Live Free, which did a far better job of working round its limited resources, and retained my interest considerably better. Guess they don’t make apocalypses like they used to.

Dir: Nathan Willard
Star: Rosa Fortuny, Larkin Hastings, Rob Pelfrey, Mikel Mann

Mountain Queen: The Summits of Lhakpa Sherpa

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★★★
“Top of the world.”

Reaching the summit of Mount Everest once is a remarkable achievement, done by only a few thousand people in history, with hundreds having died in the attempt. But what about climbing the world’s highest peak on no less than ten occasions? Such is the achievement of Lhakpa Sherpa, a woman from Nepal who had to overcome remarkable adversity in a number of ways to complete this feat. This documentary is the story, both of her tenth (and most recent, to date at least!) ascent, and of her life. It’s an impressive story of fortitude, though never really answers my most burning question. I can understand wanting to climb Everest once. But why do it so many times?

Lhakpa was born in 1973, and grew up when girls weren’t allowed to go to school. She carried her brother there, two hours each way, but wasn’t allowed to learn herself. This didn’t stop her from breaking with local tradition in a number of ways. She had a child outside of wedlock, and also became a mountain porter as a teenager, another position reserved for men – she cut her hair short, so her gender would be less apparent. In 2000, she became the first Nepalese woman to reach the top of Everest and survive. The same year, she met climber Gheorghe Dimarescu and the pair married in 2002. They climbed together, and had two daughters, Sunny and Shiny. But there was a dark side, with her husband’s vicious temper turning their relationship abusive, until she left him in 2012.

I do feel the film rather overplays this element of Lhakpa’s life. While it’s obviously significant, it almost seems to robs her of agenda, forcing the viewer to see much of the events through the lens of his behaviour. The structure may enhance this. Rather than unfolding chronologically, there are two parallel streams, one depicting her tenth attempt to reach the top, while the other slowly fills in the background of her life, and the two never quite seemed to mesh effectively for me. Her attitude in dealing with life’s obstacles is amazing, and leave a remarkable impression, such as how Lhakpa worked in a Connecticut supermarket, while raising her two daughters, before returning to her home country.

It does appear her profile has been raised by her remarkable, and largely under the radar, achievements. The documentary shows her finding a sponsor who will fund expeditions: I don’t know if she still works in Whole Foods! I hope not, because she deserves better, with the simple facts of her story being immensely empowering to anyone, and a lesson that any dream can be achieved. But I did not feel that this film really provided much more insight into the person, than a reading of her Wikipedia page would have offered. I was left with questions, such as about her first child, which the film didn’t want to address, and it felt like some outside viewpoints (even Lhakpa’s family) would have benefited the end product. It remains worth a watch: just don’t expect more than a surface portrait.

Dir: Lucy Walker
Star: Lhakpa Sherpa, Sunny Dijmarescu, Shiny Dijmarescu

Impulse

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★★½
“Two’s company…”

This is one of the more successful efforts to spin a conspiratorial narrative – at least until the final act, where it topples over into implausibility. It’s a bit like how QAnon were not wrong about the rich and powerful being involved in sex trafficking… it just wasn’t out of the basement of a pizza restaurant. The heroine here is Sofia (Gudic), a journalist who is investigating a series of odd murders, in which powerful men are killed in highly compromising positions. These are assassinations carried out by an escort-assassin, Theda – yeah, one of the less subtle anagrammatic names I’ve seen – on behalf of a shadowy, super-powerful group of the wealthy and famous, under the oversight of Zane (Cassavetes).

Complicating matters is that Theda (also Gudic) is the spitting image of Sofia, just with dark hair, so when a fellow journalist, David (Ferrigno), see the hitwoman leaving the scene of a killing, he becomes convinced Sofia is moonlighting. Of course, there are only a few possible ways this can be resolved, such as a coincidental doppelganger, long-lost twin sister, or severely split personalities. I won’t reveal which way the film goes. But there is a sharp ring of plausibility to the way the cabal obtain blackmail material in order to get a politician, Governor Hughes (Kirkland) on their side, then manipulate him to do their political bidding. Though perhaps most chilling is the way the group quickly moves on when Hughes is no longer of use.

As someone who used to be into conspiratorial stuff (back when it was still fun, which slowly ceased to be true after 9/11), I enjoyed these elements, and nods to things like mind-controlled assassins. But at the end, it shifts into some kind of occult ritual scenario involving baby sacrifice, which makes the whole thing smell weirdly like misinformation. The powerful will act to retain  or increase their power: there’s no need for any motivation beyond that, including spooky cosplay. Naturally, Sofia – or is it Theda? – is on hand to witness these rituals, and face off against the cabal members in their lair, including both Zane and the person responsible for her situation. Credit the makers for delivering a surprisingly downbeat ending.

Gudic seems to be having adequate fun in her dual roles, though I’d certainly like to have seen more of Theda in action. It feels like her murderous talents are wasted here, even if making someone choke to death on a large, realistic-looking dildo does demonstrate impressive imagination. The ease with which she apparently shrugs off her programming is a bit troubling: if I was an evil overlord, I’d be having words with my abuse-induced control department minions. More action, and to be frank, more gratuitous nudity, would have been welcome. What’s the point of having an escort-assassin who never undresses? [Though there is a scene involving two girls, a bath and a lot of red wine] Overall, I was adequately amused, albeit not much more.

Dir: Patrick Flaherty
Star: Dajana Gudic, Lou Ferrigno Jr., Nick Cassavetes, Rob Kirkland

You’re Killing Me

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★★★
“Angelic Upstarts”

Eden Murphy (Miller) has a problem. She desperately wants to get into Pembroke College, but is currently on the wait list. However, classmate Barrett Schroder (Heller) has a congressman for a father, a letter from whom would surely push her application forward. Barrett isn’t exactly helpful, so along with friend Zara (Milliner), she crashes his party, hoping to press her case. A series of events ensue, resulting in Eden being trapped in a bedroom with a passed-out drunk Zara, and a phone belonging to one of Barrett’s friends, Gooch (Deusner). This has some incriminating video footage on it, apparently linking Barrett to the recent disappearance of another classmate. He is very keen to get it back, by any means necessary.

The first two acts here are fairly straightforward siege horror, with Eden trying to figure out how she and Zara can escape a situation that’s increasingly untenable. Their own phones were collected on the way into the venue, and Zara’s current state makes running for it a poor strategy. Instead, Eden has to fight a rearguard action, trying to bargain with the increasingly aggressive Barrett and his henchmen, while barricading their current location and repel attacks. It may helps that she is able to capture Gooch when he tries to climb in through a window, giving them a bargaining chip – and potentially a first-reported sighting of Chekhov’s Hair-dryer… That depends: Barrett might not care all that much about his “friend,” considering he caused the problem to begin with.

This is likely when the film is at its best, because neither Eden nor Barrett are idiots, and both know what’s at stake. This dynamic changes sharply when his parents (played by Dermot Mulroney and the late Anne Heche, to whom the film is dedicated) come home unexpectedly. You thought Bennett was willing to stop at nothing? Mrs. Schroder, in particular, cares not one whit how many bodies will need to be buried by the end of the night. To be honest, I felt this is where the film slipped over the edge of plausibility, quickly descending into carnage which teetered on the edge of ridiculous, and with some questionable pharmacology. 

There were times where it almost felt there was a reel missing too, one escape teetering on the edge of “With one bound, she was free” territory. However, we still get a satisfactory final confrontation (remember that hair-dryer?), and I found myself rooting for Eden more than I thought I might at the beginning. There’s a sense of social commentary here, based around the concept of the rich and powerful being able to get away with anything. But it’s handled lightly enough not to get in the way, and despite problems in the final reel, I was adequately entertained. If it does feel that Miller may have been trying too hard to be an alternate to Samara Weaving, there are certainly much worse things to be!

Dir: Beth Hanna, Jerren Lauder
Star: McKaley Miller, Keyara Milliner, Wil Deusner, Brice Anthony Heller

Bang Bang Betty: Valerie’s Revenge

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★★½
“To lose one partner may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose two looks like carelessness.”

This one ends by informing us definitively that “Bang Bang Betty will return.” The statement may cause some confusion to viewers in this installment, because Bang Bang Betty is not present to begin with. No, this sequel to Bang Bang Betty is entirely Betty-free, without any real explanation as to why. I can only presume the actress involved was otherwise engaged. Instead, it focuses on Valerie Mendez (Hernandez), who was a prosecuting attorney in the first one, but now seems to be an undercover detective. She is investigating the drug trafficking activities of Sanchez (Soria), when her partner and fiancee, Beatriz, is killed in a gun-battle with Sanchez and his men.

This forms the dramatic impetus for the rest of the film, in which Valerie goes after Sanchez. Though since in this installment, we go from cold open to lesbian canoodling in under two minutes, then Beatriz getting fridged before the ten-minute mark, the emotional impact on the audience is limited. It does solve the purpose of justifying the title. Valerie then seeks vengeance in ways which don’t exactly stand up to scrutiny in terms of police procedure, to the point where “international incident” might be closer to the truth. Her motto appears to be ,”You can’t spell jurisdiction without I and N-O”, charging across the border into Mexico with help from her replacement partner, and DEA agent Richard Cross (Caliber), whose partner also fell victim to Sanchez. What are the odds?

I’ve a feeling this might have been filmed back-to-back or close to with its predecessor, and has many of the same strengths and weaknesses. The performances are decent, with a special shout-out to Padilla as Sanchez’s brutal henchwoman, Lola. The action is a bit up-and-down, and we never get to see the brawl between Valerie and Lola that I was expecting – and, to be honest, anticipating. It’s Cross who ends up getting that, and the film does nothing to defray the usual problems when there’s such a size discrepancy between opponents. The CGI blood remains as poorly-executed as before, which does the entire movie a disservice, leaving it looking cheap and rushed.

It’s a shame, because there are occasional moments which are genuinely impressive. For instance, a well-staged shot of Valerie cradling the dying Beatriz in her arms, while the gunfight goes on in slow-motion behind them. Or the unexpected Debussy which pops up on the soundtrack, as she raids one of Sanchez’s drug houses. These are moments which are likely better than anything in its predecessor. However, they are countered by the weakness of a plot which feels very much a downgrade: it’s implausible at best, and too often topples over into ridiculous. Overall, it comes in at the same grade, and I find myself, once again, cautiously looking forward to a third installment. Hopefully, this time the plot will receive as much effort as the characters.

Dir: Alexander T. Hwang
Star: Emily Rose Hernandez, Hector Soria, Kevin Caliber, Mariah Padilla

Keisha Takes the Block

  By

★½
“Talk is cheap, and so is this.”

Reviewing director Profitt’s filmography on the IMDb is an interesting experience. He seems to have started off in the paranormal, drifted through pseudo-reality TV with titles like Untold Undercover Police Stories, and has now found a niche in the low-budget urban gangster field, for which Tubi seems to have an inexhaustible appetite. But the promise very much exceeds the product. Case in point: while the woman on the cover here is the main character, she does not even touch a gun until, literally, the final shot of the movie. Profitt has instead realized that the best way to stretch his budget is to have long scenes of two characters talking to each other.

So that’s what you get here. A lot. It begins with Keisha (Seaton) talking to a fellow “prisoner” in “jail”. Quotes used advisedly, because after an establishing shot of the outside of a prison, the whole scene takes place in an entirely generic corner of a room. No guards. No bars. Could be a community college classroom. This sets the tone for the next thirty minutes, almost without exception: two people have a conversation. Two different people have a conversation. Two people have a conversation outside. Two people have a conversation on a couch. If you can think of a (slight) variation on two people having a conversation, you are likely to see it used here. It almost becomes hypnotic.

The story unfolds entirely through the resulting dialogue. Keisha is seeking to expand her criminal operations, but is facing push-back from the current boss, Quan (Settles). So she recruits his abused girlfriend, Rayna (Yvonne) to provide inside information on his activities. Meanwhile, her pet dirty cop, Ronny (Profitt), also tells Keisha heat will be coming from law enforcement, especially as the cold war between her and Quan heats up. Keisha’s long-time best friend begs her to leave the criminal life before it all catches up to her, and she begins to realize she needs an exit strategy. All of which sounds considerably more exciting than it is, because it’s far, far too dialogue heavy, and even these scenes are flat and largely lacking in dramatic energy.

The performances aren’t bad, and mercifully, Profitt doesn’t lean on the “my friends’ rap music” soundtrack typically used in this genre. Indeed, the lack of music, while probably another money-saving device, is sometimes effective. But there just is not enough going on here to hold the audience’s interest. The supposed battle for territory between Quan and Keisha doesn’t appear to use more than one clip of ammunition. Then again, both sides could probably hold their gang meetings in a phone-booth, such is the lack of resources here.  It is something of a shame, as there are elements here capable of generating dramatic conflict, in the right hands, and as noted, the actresses generally deliver their lines well. But Profitt the director seriously needs to fire Profitt the writer.

Dir: Jeff Profitt
Star: Brandi Seaton, Vicky Yvonne, Bernard Q. Settles, Jeff Profitt