This simply isn’t a film. It isn’t a film. Marty was right. It’s over. Cinema’s dead. I’m not even going to waste time reviewing it, I wasted enough time seeing it.

Let me just add through: I’m actually frightened to see the positive reviews it has received on this app and elsewhere. At first I assumed the PR agency behind this massive advert had bribed or threatened people, or used bot accounts. But no. People are actually pretending it’s a…

In the olden days, when the world was innocent and early morning dew still sparkled on the grass (we’re talking pre-Brexit, pre-Trump), I had an Unlimited card and went to see, quite simply, everything. I used to leave home when the film was billed to start, giving myself exactly 30 minutes to get there and avoid the adverts.

Annoyingly though, mounting evidence suggests that I lived more than 30 minutes away from the cinema because I don’t remember the first…