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  Only Lovers Left Alive 2013

  ★★½ Added 3

  INT. HIPSTER CAVE, DUSK.

  ADAM, a several thousand year old reclusive vampire with a penchant for slow, dreary music wakes up and begins to frown. He drags his bed head (which took a make-up crew 4 hours to get right) to his entirely analogue recording station to write some more post-indie pre-modern pseudo-rock, a genre which apparently exists. He picks up his Gretsch 6120 Chet Atkins Hollow Body, uttering forth a whispered "fuck you, you goddamn hipster shit" from every…

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  Her 2013

  ★★★★★ Added 13

  INT. BEDROOM, DUSK.

  The setting sun casts a warm orange glow on yet another unsatisfactory masturbation session on the 86th floor apartment of a skyscraper located right in the middle of Nondescript Future City. THEODORE, a sort of love-letter writer type guy who is the post-modern embodiment of being a nerd without being nerdy, closes his text-to-speech programme, unable to determine if Microsoft Sam is really in love with him or if the honeymoon period is finally over. As he…

Popular reviews

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  Godzilla 1998

  ½ Added

  INT. Roland Emmerich's sex dungeon, 1997.

  After getting 7 midgets to waterboard him for 2 days straight, ROLAND finally orgasms and pays his feral dwarves with the 12 piece KFC family bucket he promised them, they scurry away, fighting over the cold chicken. ROLAND gets up and goes to his office. No sooner has he sat on his Barney The Dinosaur chair than his phone begins to ring, he brushes the crayons and paint off the table and answers the…

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  Gravity 2013

  ★½ Added

  EXT. Space or some shit. Time: relative.

  Sandra Bullock (I can't remember her character's name but I know it was masculine, so let's call her BUTCH) is floating in the exploding emptiness of space. Falling towards the Earth as it rotates away from her, leaving her in a perpetual state of constant, peaceful, calming orbit. Meanwhile, GEORGE CLOONEY (played by George Clooney) is regaling the crew of the ship and Houston about some Thai hermaphrodite he had sex with once…

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