Ancestral World

Tldr: if this movie was an asshole it would be a rancid infected asshole with haemorrhoids and a double helping of diarrhoea. And that’s just the first ten minutes. There are seventy more after that. 

Someone showed a pair of clown shoes how to slow down a shot in post production so those bile stained clown shoes slowed down every single shot. Some times twice. Sometimes three times. And god will never forgive that bastard and nor does…

The Beaster Bunny

Do you lack self respect? Do you wish for death? Do you like tits? Then this is the movie for you!

Actually, I take that back. I respect tits way too much. 

If a bag of badger vomit got pickle Ricked into a movie and was left out in the sun for too long. This is what happens. 

If Charlie Kelly of Paddy’s Pub fame was hooked up to a Turn-your-thoughts-into-reality machine and force fed speed, this…

Ape vs. Monster

Years ago, while quite, quite drunk I stubbed my toe on a coffee table. For days after I hobbled about, sure my blasted little toe bones were mush in their swollen fleshy sarcophagus. That. Freaking. Hurt. Then I watched Ape vs. Monster. Now I long for some broken toe bones in exchange for the ninety minutes of my life I just lost. 

The basic premise is simple. Doctor scientist lady was raised with a chimp. That chimp…

Monsters of War

WARNING SPOILERS

“Kids!”

Teleporting kids and bad cgi snakes

Angered by pretty scenery

Going into the cave where the monsters came from for safety reasons

T-Rex version of talking Tom game and just as gross

Mumblecore

Most annoyed woman in the world

Woman/mother who can’t act leaves the kids in the monster cave as she tries to escape

Guys tongue acting more than he is

Can’t find torch in mildly dark area even though it’s switched on…