I took three films classes in undergrad, I’m more than qualified for this position
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Splinter 2008
This is pretty decent for a bottle, with some cool character moments, but the editing stunts it severely. They say there’s nothing scarier than the unknown, so you’d think that shaky camera would really sell the horror cause you can’t make out a thing when the zombies are on screen! But shockingly it’s not scary, simply irritating. And the splinter parasite had such a chilling vibration to it too, there should have been more of that than the unreadable jump-cut…
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The Jurassic Games 2018
Suzanne Collins could never. Take notes, Mr Beast.
It’s hard to stamp a rating on this movie because it’s not really a movie, it’s a shitpost. By every objective metric this would be a horrible thing to pay for at the theatre, but if you caught this scrolling through YouTube you’d think “wow this is really well produced!” And in that way it is pretty funny. Both in a so bad it’s good way and in a boxing three raptors with…
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Brawl in Cell Block 99 2017
Never been a big fan of gore and violence in movies, but Zahler is showing me with this and with Bone Tomahawk that it can really elevate a story when done correctly. Sure I gagged and winced at the bone breaking and curb stomping, but it worked. Without the violence the narrative would’ve lost a lot of power, watching this good man dig himself deeper and deeper into the hole for his wife and daughter. An unborn daughter. I liked that touch.
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Emilia Pérez 2024
When this first came out there were a bunch of reviews praising it highly, and I figured it was just one of those bad woke movies people liked because it had the right messaging. Turned out it actually wasn’t even woke in the right way but still bad, so it’s been pretty funny to see all the negative press released about it since. Unfortunately I can’t fully join in on the hate, cause I found the whole thing boring more…
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