Ritchie spends two hours trying to build tension for a walk in the park.
Our heroes face a problem, and think "I know, why don't we just solve it!". Then they do, while they throw an endless amount of "good chaps" and "oldboys" at each other as a stand-in for charisma, and flex their too-big muscles as a stand-in for character.
This is a movie with zero stakes pretending to be exciting, and it's not as good at masquerading as its cast was written to be.
