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John Carter 2012
Is this the worst movie ever? No, because it’s actually made fairly well: the effects are mostly decent and the story itself while a rehash isn’t ridiculous. So why did it bomb and why a low rating? Because it is just boring and set in a world that no one cares about. I’m sure when it was written back in 1912 it was amazing but to make it a movie a 100 years later is just odd. It’s so derivative…
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Captain America: Brave New World 2025
Eh. It’s a nothing movie really. A bunch of characters you don’t care about doing stuff you kind of don’t care about and then Red Hulk shows up. It’s not bad but there’s no real stakes or excitement either. Really requires having seen the old Norton Hulk movie. For the love of God let Harrison Ford retire in peace. Some action was good though. I give it three mouth breathing exhausted President Rosses.
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The First Omen 2024
Some decent jump scares and disturbing visuals. Way too predictable and the whole Catholic Church members are actually evil stuff has been beat pretty soundly to death. But it’s an Omen movie so of course it will have it but how about a different spin or something. The world is pretty lucky that the Devil has to jump through so many hoops to reign terror down on humanity. I give it 3 crotchety old nuns.
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Maximum Overdrive 1986
Bad but with the occasional so bad it’s good scene. Everyone is sweaty and overacting and the machines are wildly inconsistent in what machines/vehicles go crazy when. Can all the trucks understand English? Do they want to kill humans or just drive around in circles. Couldn’t humanity just hide for 8 days? Where is the cutoff for machines? Bicycles work, hinges work, levers work? Did they forget the second P in Happy Toys? Famously coked up Stephen King was having quite a time. I give it one and a half lines.
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