YOU’RE GETTING HUNG UP ON IMAGINARY PROBLEMS. YOU GOTTA FOCUS ON WHAT’S REAL.
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It Follows 2014
This movie was scary for like five minutes until I realized the monster just walks. That’s it. Just a slow, awkward little power walk of doom. GET IN A CAR. HOP ON A PLANE. TREADMILL BACKWARDS AT THE AIRPORT. I don't know maybe jog?? The demon really said, ‘I’ll get there when I get there,’ and everyone acted like this was the scariest thing ever. Why does no one in this movie have a single survival instinct?? If I saw…
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Anora 2024
WHY IS EVERYONE SCREAMING LIKE THEY’RE TRAPPED IN A HAUNTED WALMART AT 3 AM??? I FELT LIKE I WAS BEING YELLED AT THROUGH THE SCREEN FOR TWO HOURS STRAIGHT. NEED A PRIEST AND A SHOWER. I didn’t get her until the final act when I realize oh, she’s not okay. She’s terrified of intimacy and it makes sense but by then I was too exhausted to care. The constant yelling was grating, and the pacing was so slow. One star…
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Nosferatu 2024
This guy just HAD to look like a toenail. He scuttles around like he’s possessed by a Victorian vacuum cleaner and his fingers? Bro, those things could peel an orange from across the room. The way he just appears in doorways like a cursed Sims character HAD ME SCREAMING, but not in fear. Also, why does he move like a PowerPoint transition? I know this is a classic, but if I saw this guy in real life I’d simply evaporate.…
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