Imagine telling Denmark they don't do enough for people in Greenland when Greenland has universal healthcare and you don't.
So after arguing for an hour with a man who said I was in his seat, he finally said, "OK, YOU fly the plane!"
Canada elected a guy with a PhD in economics from Oxford. Mexico elected a woman with a degree in physics and a PhD in energy engineering. America elected a geriatric orange conman who talks like a carnie and went bankrupt six times.
Until the day I die, I will never understand how they were more upset about a Super Bowl halftime show than Elon Musk stealing our social security numbers.
Could we just commission artists to paint unflattering portraits of him every day to keep him occupied?
I was watching a TV show for about 10 minutes and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun.
Then I realized that it was one of the religious channels and she was reading a list of sins.
Boomers worked one job for 40 years.
Millennials work 40 jobs in one year.
Gen Z is questioning why jobs even exist.
I was just minding my own business then all of a sudden 1975 was 50 years ago.
Don’t worry Greenland. One more bottle of whiskey and Pete Hegseth will text you the complete invasion plans.
It's disgusting that we live in a country where a homeless veteran who served his country can sleep in a cardboard box, while a draft dodger who works tirelessly to tear his country down can sleep in the White House.
Shout out to everyone who got through the day without taking a nap.
Pulled an all-dayer today.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come?
I think it's disgraceful that after 50 years, people don't know who Neil Armstrong was ... or even the type of trumpet he played!
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.
Life’s way too precious to spend even a minute debating someone whose entire worldview comes from Fox News.
Guys courting women are no longer bringing flowers, but instead bring eggs.
Because of the high price of eggs, more women are taking up pole dancing.
Looking back at all the successes and failures in my life, I can't help but be proud that at least the potty training stuck.
If drugs aren't allowed in sports, why isn't makeup banned in beauty contests?
Must be miserable to go about life thinking scientists, historians and journalists spent their entire lives lying to you, but a reality TV celebrity with decades of documented fraud is telling you the truth.
A rat colony underneath Washington, D.C. recently became aware of a surface world with blue skies, warm sunlight, and abundant garbage. The colony was planning to move to the "land of plenty" until it was discovered to be infested with hundreds of politicians.
Pete Hegseth calls for steep cuts to the number of steps in AA recovery.
I love that time right as winter is ending but they aren't making bugs yet.
Don't punish your child by taking their games away.
Instead, log onto their online games and get them banned.
If the grocery store has a section for health food, then what is the rest of the store?
Okay, I came up with a new dating app idea.
You match with people who are on the same meds as you.
We'll call it "Relationscripts".
I was in a meeting where the room number was 404. I joked that I couldn't find the room and nobody understood. This is why I have a hard time making friends.
Happy B-day to all celebrating it this month! I hope you're celebrating the way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.
Someone asked a retiree, "Do you have a job?" He replied, "I'm my wifes' sexual adviser." They asked, "What do you mean?" "Very simple," he said, "My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it."
My child asked why, when lightning strikes a cornfield, it is not full of popcorn.
I didn't have an answer.
An angel asked God what he was doing.
"Making Canadians," he said.
"Awww they're so nice," she said.
"Oh yeah? Watch this," he said as he dropped a hockey puck.
SEX is like a gas station. Sometimes you get full service, sometimes you have to ask for service, and sometimes you have to be happy with self-service.
Remember when I asked for your opinion?
Neither do I.
A guy commented on my post.
Then a girl replied.
The guy replied back.
They were about to fall in love.
So I deleted the post.
Not on my watch!
Short girls are stubborn.
Look at her, she even refused to grow.
Subway sign...
Our footlong subs are 12 inches even when it's cold.
Wife: "Could you pick up a gallon of milk?"
Me: "Sure. It's only 8 pounds."
Wife: "I meant at the store."
Me: "I'm pretty sure it weighs the same there."
Employee: Do we have a bereavement policy?
Boss: Of course we do. If you die you get that day off.
Sometimes a brick to the head says what words can not.
Coworker: "It cost me $100 to fill up my tank."
Me: "Why do you drive a tank? They're so impractical. You should get an economy car."
Five without 4 is iron. (thinking joke)
I would rather the USA not be Trump’s 7th bankruptcy.
At dinner, my frustrated date said, “So napping and sitting around are seriously your only hobbies?? You told me that you were interesting!”
“No, no,” I corrected, “I said that I was into resting.”
Aren't you glad your parents didn’t have a social media platform to tell everyone what a little shit you were?
It was a quiet Monday morning in September 2053 when John awoke with a need to go to the bathroom. To John, this wasn't any ordinary day! This was the day he would open the last package of toilet paper his parents bought in 2020.
If one of my jokes offended you, it'll probably happen again. I'm a repeat offender.
If you find a snakeskin, it means the snake shed it so it could grow bigger.
Same thing if you find my clothes at Goodwill.
Being funny at work is a delicate balance of being just funny enough to entertain your coworkers but not so funny that you get sent to HR.
Me, every day, trying to figure out what I last bumped into.
I call it "bruise clues".
I think it's funny that they're now putting jokes on the back of bacon packages.
Listen to this one: Serving Size: 2 slices.
A nurse was giving me a physical. During the hernia check she cupped my boys. Instead of "Turn your head and cough", she begins yelling at me, "Stop running your fingers through my hair!"
Even on Gilligan's island, they listened to the professor, not the millionaire.
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