How to write about Grief:
There is no right or wrong way to experience grief. Just as there is no right or wrong way to write it. Everyone is different, each set of circumstances are different.
The point of this post is to show you how different people react in different ways, and give points on how you might write that, depending on your character and story.
Reactions to Grief
- Numbness: Your character may go into auto-pilot and be unable to process the events that have unfolded.
- Anger: This can be aimed at other people, at a Higher Being, or at nothing in particular.
- Unsteady: Your characters may be unsteady. For example, unable to stop their voice from shaking or they may find it difficult to stand.
- Focusing on Others: Your character may disregard their own feelings because they are so overwhelmed and instead concentrate on someone else’s well-being.
- Seek out routines: Amid upheavals, your character may seek comfort in tasks that are familiar and “safe,” such as working, cleaning, making their bed, making absurd amounts of tea or taking a morning walk.
- Pretending that Everything Is Okay: Grief is viewed as an emotion that should cease or be concealed once the funeral is over. So people mention the news in an offhand comment, then talk and laugh as if all is right with the world.
- Denial: Some people deny the reality of death and convince themselves that the news is a joke or can’t be true.
Reactions from people surrounding your character:
- People may avoid your character as they do not know what to say or simply can’t find the right words.
- Some may even go as far as to cross the street when they notice your character approaching.
- Even people that the character has known for years may act strange or standoff-ish, simply because they don’t know what to say.
- On the other side of that, some people may be overly helpful and friendly.
- It is not uncommon for estranged friends, family or others to suddenly reappear in a person’s life after they have experienced grief.
- Either because those people want to offer their support and love or because they’re being nosy and they want to be kept up to date on the “drama”.
- Most people will move on from the event fairly quickly if they weren’t emotionally invested.
- Some people may even get annoyed at your character for still being upset weeks or months later.
When talking about the person they have lost:
Your character may recall a memory or tell a story about their loved one, these are possible reactions. (I have encountered all of them.)
- Your character may being to cry or get upset at the thought of the person they have lost.
- The person they are talking to may become awkward and avert eye contact when your character brings up the person they have lost.
- Others may ask or tell your character to stop talking about the person they have lost. They may roll their eyes, cough awkwardly, or cut off your character mid sentences so that they can change the subject.
- Some people may ask inappropriate questions about the circumstances in which the character’s loved one passed away. Depending on the personality of your character then may react differently.
Other things to note:
- Grief is not constrained by time.
- One of the main problems with grief in fiction is that a character is typically heartbroken for a couple scenes and then happy again. But grief does not evaporate because the world needs saving.
- Allow your character to wrestle with their grief.
- Your character may feel guilty. Your character may feel a twinge of guilt when they laugh or have a good time with someone else; when they do something to remind them that they’re alive, and their loved one isn’t.
- Grief is a game changer. A previously outgoing character may withdraw and isolate themselves. Some people may take grief and/or bereavement as a sign that life is too short; they may make big decisions in an attempt to make themselves feel better and grow away from their pain.
- Sometimes grief can help you find your purpose.
- At first grief can be all consuming. It hurts and you can’t really control it. It may seem unrelenting. Eventually the grief will become easier to deal with, your character may find the days to be better, but that doesn’t mean that when the grief hits it doesn’t hurt any less.
- For most people, grief never really goes away. “Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to how they used to be.”
- It is rare that a person will ever give a long speech about their feelings, a lot of people struggle to even find the words. But that’s okay. Show the reader how your character feels, rather than just telling them.
- Don’t pause the plot to deal with the aspect of grief. This could overwhelm the readers and drag the pace down. In reality, life doesn’t just stop due to grief, the world keeps spinning and things still need to be done. Use the character’s grief as a backdrop for the story’s events.
- Yes, grief affects the character’s day-to-day life, goals, and relationships. But it shouldn’t drive readers away or stagnate the story. Instead, should engage readers and produce empathy that keeps them turning pages.
- You don’t need to tell your readers that everything will be fine. You don’t need to provide all of the answers.
“Skirting grief and treating it lightly is easy. But by realistically portraying it through a variety of responses and its lasting effects on the character’s life, readers will form a connection with your characters.“
