Horoscopes

Virgo

(August 23 to September 22):

Remember: Always be thankful for all you have. And vengeful for all you’ve lost.

Libra

(September 23 to October 22):

This month might bring more funerals than weddings, but keep in mind that they can both be fantastic Herbalife networking opportunities.

Scorpio

(October 23 to November 21):

Look out behind you! Ha—the stars got you, dumbass.

Sagittarius

(November 22 to December 21):

A true friend will thank you for speaking your mind, but everyone else in the movie theater actively hates you.

Capricorn

(December 22 to January 19):

Sorry, but this horoscope isn’t from the stars. It’s from the law firm of Duchler, Hann & Associates. Capricorn—you’ve been served.

Aquarius

(January 20 to February 18):

Don’t let the sun go down on your anger without swiping through a few hundred Instagram stories first.

Pisces

(February 19 to March 20):

Treat every day like it’s your last—especially this one. Not for any particular reason…Seriously, everything’s fine. You’re being paranoid.

Aries

(March 21 to April 19):

The moment for patience has passed. It’s time to start intimidating witnesses.

Taurus

(April 20 to May 20):

True self-reflection can be painful, but it’s important not to look away from that photo of your hair from behind.

Gemini

(May 21 to June 20):

You really shouldn’t have done that…That’s unfortunately as specific as the stars can be.

Cancer

(June 21 to July 22):

While they can’t guarantee things will turn around for you, the stars do offer galaxy credit on any horoscopes returned within 30 days.

Leo

(July 23 to August 22):

Watch out for knife-wielding maniacs this week—they may not have the best intentions.