How to make friends and attain self-realization?

Alja Lah Title: How to make friends and attain self-realization?   Date of submission: 3.9.2015 Due date: 4.9.2015 (with extension) Module: Existential theory and practice module Term: Winter 2015 Word count: 2212                                   NSPC Existential theory and practice module, April 2015 Existential theory Essay Alja Lah   How  to  make  friends  and  attain  self-­‐realization?     Organizing   and   controlling   have   become   an   obsession   in   the   present   western   culture.  Arranging  into  a  structured  and  controllable  whole  every  aspect  of  our   lives:  our  profession,  income,  worldview,  identity,  time,  vacation,  diet,  learning,   teaching,  making  friends  and  making  love…    Science,  a  systematically  organized   body   of   knowledge,   is   what   we   all   believe   in,   without   doubt.   There   is   such   a   strong   belief   in   the   idea   that   organization   and   control   will   bring   us   happiness,   to   the   point   that   I   am   almost   tempted   to   call   it   a   new   religion.   A   story   comes   to   mind,   of   God   and   Satan   walking   down   the   street   together   when   they   see   a   brilliant   shiny   object,   God   says   “Oh   look   it   is   truth”   and   Satan   replies   “Oh   yes,   here   give   it   to   me   I   will   organize   it”.   Obviously   sciences,   organization   of   knowledge   and   society,   as   well   as   religion,   have   all   brought   many   good   and   beneficial   things.   Nevertheless   blind   repetition,   without   self-­‐enquiry,   leads   into   dogmatic  methods.  Spiritual,  religious  and  even  psychotherapeutic  practices  are   always  in  danger  of  becoming  a  dogmatic  method  leading  towards  an  organized   picture  of  a  goal  that  we  have  thought  up  in  our  minds.  There  is  not  much  space   left  for  anything  else  if  we  already  know  where  we  want  to  go  and  how  we  are   getting  there.  No  space  for  truth,  mystery  or  surprise.  Genuine  human  relation  is   where,  I  believe,  still  lies  the  possibility  of  the  surprise  element,  the  mystery  of   life  that  cannot  be  predicted  or  controlled.  In  line  with  everything  I  just  stated,   the   present   essay   is   a   portrayal   of   an   idea,   instead   of   organization   of   thoughts   into  another  theory  that  wants  to  replace  reality.     Genuine  relation     To  describe  what  I  mean  as  genuine  relation  I  will  take  a  brave  plunge  and  share   one  of  my  intimate  experiences  of  it:       I   am   in   the   crowd   at   a   concert.     The   music   is   so   beautiful   it   brings   tears   to   my  eyes.  With  my  whole  being  I  feel  that  everything  already  is,  right  there   and  then.  All  at  once  existing  just  right.  At  the  same  time  I  am  aware  no     2   NSPC Existential theory and practice module, April 2015 Existential theory Essay Alja Lah   one  else  is  sharing  this  feeling.  I  am  alone  in  the  crowd.  Certain  sadness   washes   over   me.     That   is   when   a   person   suddenly   appears,   leans   towards   me   and   says:   I   feel   like   you   feel.   Our   eyes   meet   in   the   knowing   how   the   other   feels   and   relaxing   in   our   feeling   together   and   yet   standing   in   our   own  being.  When  the  concert  finishes  we   embrace  and  each  go  our  own   way.       In   Buber’s   ideology   this   would   be   called   an   I-­‐Thou   meeting   that   happens   when   two  stand  in  relation  in  a  manifest  presence,  not  trying  to  experience  it,  explain   it,   use   it   or   conceptualize   it.   Buber’s   poetic   language   (2002)   best   captures   a   moment  like  this:     Only   when   he   who   himself   turns   to   the   other   human   being   and   opens   himself  to  him  receives  the  world  in  him.  Only  the  being  whose  otherness,   accepted   by   my   being,   lives   and   faces   me   in   the   whole   compression   of   existence,  brings  the  radiance  of  eternity  to  me.  Only  when  two  say  to  one   another   with   all   that   they   are,   ‘It   is   Thou’,   is   the   indwelling   of   the   Present   Being  between  them  (p.  35).       The   I-­‐Thou   relation   cannot   be   found   by   seeking,   it   is   an   act   of   a   whole   being,   when  will  and  grace  are  joined  (Buber,  2004).  In  my  above  described  experience   there  was  grace  in  surrendering  to  the  world,  there  was  also  a  clear  awareness  of   the   I   being   separate   to,   what   Heidegger   calls,   ‘one’   (impersonal,   nameless,   faceless   crowd)   and   finally   there   was   will   to   reach   out   to   Thou.   Buber   (2002)   exclaims,   “A   man   is   truly   saved   from   the   ‘one’   not   by   separation   but   only   by   being  bound  up  in  genuine  communion”  (p.  210).     Attempts  to  replace  reality     As  a  juxtaposing  example  to  this  one  I  can  remember  being  a  young  solitary  girl   searching  for  some  kind  of  connection  that  would  make  my  life  meaningful  and   intending   to   help   myself   with   a   book   titled   “How   to   win   friends   and   influence     3   NSPC Existential theory and practice module, April 2015 Existential theory Essay Alja Lah   people”.  Looking  back  on  it  now,  it  seems  quite  paradoxical  how  I  was  intuitively   searching   in   the   right   direction   but   with   an   entirely   wrong   approach.   Approaching  people  by  following  advice  from  a  book  meant  hiding  myself  behind   a  method  that  was  supposed  to  bring  me  a  desired  outcome.  In  Buber’s  terms  I   was  making  an  I-­‐It  relation;  objectifying,  using,  experiencing  people  as  an  It.  At   the  same  time  I  myself  was  coming  from  a  purely  cognitive  and  fleeting  way  of   being   an   I.   Not   ready   to   disclose   who   I   am   and   not   willing   to   truly   see   others.   This  is  the  standard  way  we  interact  with  the  world.  There  is  nothing  wrong  with   it,   apart   from   it   leading   astray   from   connecting   to   oneself   or   others.   This   way   we   only  distance  ourselves  from  the  world  and  the  possibility  of  knowing  it,  as  we   get   carried   away   from   experiencing   it   to   thinking   about   it   and   wanting   it   to   be   something   else   than   what   it   is.   Wouldn't   it   be   dull   if   at   the   end   of   the   journey   we   always   got   exactly   what   we   imagined   at   the   beginning?   I   believe   how   we   walk   every  step  of  the  way  is  more  important  than  where  we  are  headed.  The  way  is   not  just  the  means  to  a  goal,  rather  the  way  is  the  goal.   By  letting  a  method  be   our   way,   we   succumb   the   mystery   of   our   life   to   a   false   security   of   an   illusory   world   waiting   for   us   in   the   Never-­‐never   land.   In   the   words   of   Buber   (2002)   “Revelation  will  tolerate  no  perfect  tense,  but  man  with  the  arts  of  his  craze  for   security  props  it  up  to  perfectness”  (p.  21).  It  is  not  possible  to  live  in  the  bare   present,  but  it  is  possible  to  live  only  in  past  and  future,  where  the  insecurity  of   the  unpredictable  present  is  controlled.  Sometimes  it  helps  having  a  map  to  find   our   way   around,   but   that   is   only   until   we   keep   in   mind   that   the   map   is   not   a   replacement   of   the   world,   for   “a   world   that   is   ordered   is   not   the   world-­‐order”   (Buber,   2004,   p.   31).   Nonetheless   this   is   usually   the   pitfall   we   all   trip   into.   Mistaking   religion   for   our   own   feeling   of   faith,   psychotherapy   for   genuine   relation,   morality   for   compassion,   a   polite   exchange   of   words   for   a   sincere   conversation,   a   movie   for   a   life,   making   money   for   doing   a   good   job,   perfectionism  for  the  best  we  can  do.  Blindly  following  any  kind  of  method,  plan   or  a  goal  is  an  “attempt  to  replace  reality”    (Buber,  2004,  p.  119).  “And  in  all  the   seriousness   of   truth,   hear   this:   without   It   man   cannot   live.   But   he   who   lives   with   It  alone  is  not  a  man”.  (Buber,  2004,  p.  34)       4   NSPC Existential theory and practice module, April 2015 Existential theory Essay Alja Lah   Isolation       Buber’s   view   on   self-­‐realization   and   isolation   divides   him   from   most   of   the   popular   culture,   spiritualism,   psychotherapies   and   so   forth.   For   him   self-­‐ realization   is   a   by-­‐product   rather   than   the   goal.   The   goal   is   “completing   distance   by   relation,   and   relation   here   means   mutual   confirmation,   co-­‐operation,   and   genuine   dialogue”   (Buber,   1998,   p.   11).   Buber   does   not   write   about   I-­‐Thou   relation   as   merely   another   dimension   of   relational   existence,   along   with   personal,   physical   and   spiritual,   like   other   authors   have   (for   example:   Binswanger,  1946;  Deurzen-­‐Smith,  1984)  but  as  one  of  the  two  essential  ways  of   being-­‐in-­‐the-­‐world,  the  only  one  worth  living,  but  also  the  one  man  can  (sadly)   live  without.       According   to   Buber   (2004)   there   are   two   kinds   of   solitude   depending   on   what   we   turn   away   from.   One   may   seek   solitude   in   order   to   free   oneself   from   experiencing  and  using  of  things  and  others,  as  a  purification  to  be  able  to  step   from   I-­‐It   into   I-­‐Thou   relations.   This   is   what   I   believe   isolation   into   meditation   should  be:  a  preparation  to  meet  others  and  to  hold  our  ground  when  we  meet   them.  Never  forgetting  that  it  is  merely  a  method  and  not  a  self-­‐righteous  goal.   The   other   kind   of   solitude   means   absence   of   relation,   isolation   from   the   world,   where   a   man   conducts   “a   dialogue   with   himself   –   not   in   order   to   test   and   master   himself  for  that  which  awaits  him  but  in  the  enjoyment  of  the  confirmation  of  his   soul   –   then   we   have   the   real   fall   of   the   spirit   into   spirituality”   (p.   104).   It   is   concern  with  oneself  that  keeps  one  away  from  mystery  of  meeting  the  other.  A   man   can   never   be   a   surprise   to   himself   (Buber,   1998).   Finding   that   special   connection  that  most  of  us  yearn  for,  which  Buber  calls  God,  cannot  be  reached   by  isolation.  In  his  view  a  man  turning  aside  from  the  course  of  his  life  in  order  to   seek  God  is  “foolish  and  hopeless”,  because  “even  though  he  won  all  the  wisdom   of  solitude  and  all  the  power  of  concentrated  being  he  would  miss  God”  (Buber,   2004,  p.  80).  For  example  in  Buddhism  there  are  stories  of  monks  that  talked  to   the   Buddha   or   just   met   him   and   attained   enlightenment   merely   through   that     5   NSPC Existential theory and practice module, April 2015 Existential theory Essay Alja Lah   genuine   interpersonal   encounter   that   managed   to   do   what   years   and   years   of   meditation,  effort  and  sitting  in  solitude  could  not.     Previously   I   described   the   feeling   of   sadness   I   felt   at   the   concert,   which   I   think   is   very   common   in   experiences   of   “everything   and   everyone   being   connected   or   being   one”.   With   perceiving   that   “everything   is   one”,   there   often   comes   the   realization  that  nobody  else  perceives  it.  Paradoxically  it  turns  out  to  be  a  very   lonely   feeling.   But   genuine   meeting   brings   this   same   feeling   of   connection   with   an  addition  of  mutuality.  Another  universe  is  looking  back  at  you  from  the  other   person’s  eyes,  saying  “I  feel  what  you  feel”.  Genuine  saying  of  Thou  to  the  other   essentially   means   “the   affirmation   of   the   primally   deep   otherness   of   the   other,   …   which   is   accepted   and   loved   by   me”   (Buber,   1998,   p.   86).   This   is   exactly   what   gets   devalued   and   destroyed   in   the   ancient   religions   and   modern   spiritualism   through   teachings   of   identity   like   “you   are   me”   or   “all   is   one”.   Buber   (1998)   sees   it   as   “annihilation   of   the   human   person,   …   for   the   person   is   through   and   through   nothing  but  uniqueness  and  thus  essentially  other  than  all  that  is  over  against  it”   (p.   86).   When   one   says   to   the   other   “I   accept   you   as   you   are”   that   is   genuine   human  meeting  and  here  first  is  “uncurtailed  existence”  (Buber,  1998,  p.  86).       Meeting  unto  self-­‐realization     Buber   sees   self-­‐realization   as   becoming   an   authentic   self,   essentially   through   mutual  confirmation.  For  a  genuine  meeting  to  enfold  Buber  (1998)  writes  about   three   necessities:   not   to   give   into   seeming,   not   to   impose   oneself   on   the   other   and   making   the   other   present   in   one’s   personal   being.   This   is   where   I   see   the   overlap   of   genuine   meeting   and   psychotherapy,   leading   to   self-­‐realization.   I   speak   only   of   certain   kinds   of   phenomenologically   based   psychotherapies   that   are   non-­‐directive   and   include   development   of   a   sincere   relation.   The   psychotherapist   knows   the   actualizing   forces   that   have   shaped   and   still   shape   him   and   trusts   their   effect   in   the   struggle   against   the   counterforces.   Existential   communication  between  one  who  is  an  “actual  being”  and  the  other  who  is  in  a   “process  of  becoming”  turns  into  a  genuine  dialogue  that  “opens  out”  potentiality     6   NSPC Existential theory and practice module, April 2015 Existential theory Essay Alja Lah   (Buber,  1998,  p.  72).  That  is  why  I  believe  the  therapist  must  essentially  trust  in   the  effect  of  the  genuine  meeting,  which  gives  him  the  strength  to  persevere  in   the   unknown,   without   a   method   or   a   goal,   and   thus   is   able   to   leave   the   client   really  to  himself  and  see  where  he  is  being  drawn.  Existential  healing  takes  place   when   there   is   trust   of   one   whole   person   to   another   whole   person   as   they   honestly  acknowledge  to  each  other  that  they  are  both  reeling  in  chaos  (Buber,   1957).  This  does  not  mean  healing  of  only  a  certain  part  of  the  client  as  through   insight   or   analysis,   rather   this   is   healing   of   the   client’s   being-­‐in-­‐the-­‐world.   David   Smail  (2015)  suspected  that  psychotherapy  only  really  works  if  the  therapist  and   the  client  become  true  friends.  I  acknowledge  his  point  but  would  reiterate  that   for   a   successful   therapy   to   take   place   there   has   to   be   an   I-­‐Thou   relation   between   the   therapist   and   the   client   (at   least   on   certain   occasions).   Thus   in   the   relation   between   them   exists   an   opening   that   allows   for   something   to   spring   out   that   has   not   been   there   previously,   neither   in   between   nor   in   any   of   the   two.   It   springs   out  of  the  genuine  meeting.       Play  in  between     Buber  (2004)  claimed  there  is  no  method  or  prescription  that  can  lead  us  to  the   meeting,   and   no   cure   to   forget   about   it,   “as   only   acceptance   of   the   Presence   is   necessary”   and   “nothing   can   any   longer   be   meaningless”,   the   meaning   is   not   of   a   world  “yonder”  but  of  this  world  of  ours,  that  seeks  to  be  lived,  and  nothing  but   lived,   continually,   ever   anew   in   this   life   and   in   relation   with   this   world   “in   the   totality  of  its  antinomy”  (p.  95,  p.  110).  Once  we  know  true  freedom  of  free  giving   between  I  and  Thou  we  must  practice  directness-­‐even  if  we  are  the  only  being  on   earth   who   does   it   (Buber,   1998,   p.   69).   The   genuine   meeting   is   a   mystery   that   leaves   us   with   more   questions   than   solutions   to   the   riddle   of   life   of   how   I   can   exist   ever   changing   between   It   and   Thou.   Maybe   the   answer   is   to   fully   enter   into   the  never-­‐ending  play  between  these  to  spheres  of  being  and  opening  up  to  the   ever-­‐surprising  present?         7   NSPC Existential theory and practice module, April 2015 Existential theory Essay Alja Lah   Moment  of  genuine  meeting     comes  as  a  falling  star,  abruptly,     tearing  out  of  the  surrounding  world     and  cutting  deep  into  being,     we  become  aware  of  it     only  after  it  is  gone     and  leaves  a  scar  on  our  iris,     changed  forever.       For  that  moment     we  were  present  being     sharing  a  magical  moment  with  the  universe.     And  even  with  only  one  in  a  million  chance     to  catch  it  again,     this  does  not  hinder  me     to  look  into  the  sky     with  eyes  presently  open.         References     Binswanger,  L.  (1946).  ‘The  existential  analysis  school  of  thought’,  in  R.  May,  E.   Angel  and  H.F.  Ellenberger  (eds),  Existence.  New  York:  Basic  Books.   Buber,  M.  (1957).  Pointing  the  Way.  New  York:  Harper  &  Brothers.   Buber,  M.  (1998).  The  Knowledge  of  Man:  Selected  essays.  New  York:  Prometheus   Books.   Buber,  M.  (2002).  Between  Man  and  Man.  London:  Routledge.   Buber,  M.  (2004).  I  and  Thou.  London:  Continuum.   Deurzen-­‐Smith,  E.  van  (1984).  ‘Existential  psychotherapy’,  in  W.  Dryden  (ed.),   Individual  Therapy  in  Britain.  London:  Harper  &  Row.   Smail,  D.  (2015).  Taking  Care  -­‐  An  Alternative  to  Therapy.  London:  Karnac  Books.         8