The first time I heard my girlfriend talk about her fuck buddy, to whom she’d given the moniker “Hot Doctor,” I felt like a dormant volcano—emotions simmering just beneath the surface, ready to erupt. Yet, I remained quiet, holding back the explosion. At the time, we were newly dating and ethically polyamorous, so it wasn’t like she couldn’t sleep with other people. But hearing how fantastic the sex had been consistently (for over three years!) sent me into an anxious tailspin. (It also didn’t help that he had “hot” in his nickname, and a doctor is such a hot profession!) I did my best not to show my jealousy. I repeatedly told myself that I was happy she was getting to hook up with a person she trusted. I hoped that if I repeatedly told myself this enough, I would actually start to believe it.
When I first saw my girlfriend have group sex at a play party—so yes, we obviously went intending on having sex with other people—I couldn’t watch. I distracted myself by having sex with a friend of mine, so I didn’t have to see my girlfriend writhe with pleasure and multiple orgasms.
Having been polyamorous for nearly a decade, I was a little frustrated that I was feeling jealousy instead of compersion. Typically used in the context of non-monogamy, compersion refers to the feeling of genuine joy you experience when seeing your partner happy, romantically and/or sexually, with another partner. It’s widely considered somewhat of a cornerstone in polyamory. I’d felt it before, and I knew I could feel it again. So…what wasn’t clicking?
I knew I shouldn’t have felt guilty for my jealousy, so I wasn’t completely beating myself up. I’ve spent a decade writing professionally about sex and relationships, and I’ve learned through both research and firsthand experience that jealousy, while frustrating, can actually be a helpful source of information. It was my job to figure out why I felt it and to communicate that to my partner so we could find a way to help mitigate my insecurities and concerns.
Was I jealous because I feared she would leave me for someone else? Because I didn’t feel like I was satisfying her sexually? Was I struggling to trust her? Did I have unmet needs in our relationship, which made seeing her meet the needs of others feel shitty? Or perhaps I was struggling to break the social norms that conditioned me; jealousy is often thought of as an unadulterated expression of passion and love. For this reason, some people even like it when their partner gets jealous. It’s not an uncommon turn-on.
After some exploration with my therapist, I realized that the main culprit of my lack of compersion was a combination of insecurity and fear of abandonment, which likely stems from my childhood and past romantic relationships. (What can I say? I’m a basic bitch with daddy issues.) I shared this with my girlfriend while reiterating that, despite my jealousy, I still wanted her to have meaningful sexual connections with others. I wasn’t asking her to sleep with fewer people or to stop hooking up with Hot Doctor, but I was hoping to receive more words of affirmation about her love for me, which would ultimately make me feel more secure.
I also didn’t want to hear the tawdry details of her dates. I didn’t want her to lie to me about where she was—that would make my anxiety and jealousy far worse—but I was down to hear who she saw, that she had sex, and then we could move on from that conversation. She completely understood and actually felt the same way about my other sexual partners too.
This open communication worked, and I started to feel a little less jealous—it didn’t disappear overnight. I also think time was on my side. The more our relationship progressed, the more vulnerable our conversations became. And the more she expressed her love for me, the more secure I felt in myself and our relationship.
What helped even more was reframing how I conceptualized jealousy and compersion in general. Nearly every article about compersion labels it as the opposite of jealousy, meaning you feel one or the other. The two cannot coexist.
But I just…don’t think that’s true! Humans are complex and capable of holding many contradicting emotions at the same time. We can love someone who makes us angry. Feel both excitement and fear before starting a new job. Proud of someone’s accomplishments and sadness about not being more involved in their life. The list goes on.
I truly believe you can feel both jealousy and compersion simultaneously, and that allowing yourself to do that without shame can actually help you start to feel more compersion and less jealousy. All too often, poly people in particular feel bad about experiencing jealousy. There’s a common misconception that if you feel it, you’re not “good” at being poly. But poly people—just like the rest of mankind—get jealous! We’re also working overtime to not get consumed by it or let it get in the way of having multiple romantic and sexual partners.
Whenever my girlfriend was with someone else, I began to tell myself, Yes, I feel a little jealous, but I’m also happy she’s happy. Removing the shame of being jealous and acknowledging its normalcy helped me balance my emotions, which in turn gave me the space to feel less jealous. All too often, it’s not the emotions that are hindering us; it’s the negative feelings about having them that does. But we all have emotions, it’s how we handle them that defines who we are. (Yeah, I watched both Inside Outs.)
So now, while I still feel a little jealous when my girlfriend sleeps with other people, it is far more manageable than it was when we first started dating and far less consuming. It’s more of a fleeting thought that, with a deep breath or two, floats away, only to be filled with compersion.
Last Friday night, my girlfriend and I went to a bar. She thought the bartender was hot and told me she wanted to have sex with him. I had to leave early for a party, but before I did, I spoke to the bartender, told him my girlfriend and I were open and that she wanted to hook up with him. Unsurprisingly, the two of them fucked. The following day, when she told me about the experience and shared that the bartender said I’d encouraged their tryst, she said she found it endearing that I was supporting her in having other sexual encounters. And for the first time since we started dating, I didn’t feel any jealousy at all. I only felt compersion.
But obvi, I told her she could spare me the dirty details.
