Humor Quotes Quotes

“Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels.”
― Candace Bowen Early

“Far below, I heard Cacus bellowing as millions, maybe even thousands of filthy gallons of water slammed into him. Meanwhile, Annabeth alternately shouted, gagged, hit me, called me endearing pet names like, "Idiot! Stupid--dirty--moron--" and topped it all off with "Kill you!”
― Rick Riordan, The Demigod Diaries

“And your excuse?' I asked.
'I'm a sociopath; I don't have to be nice,' Nicky said.
I gave him a look.
'You're mad at him.I can feel it; which means I really don't have to be nice to him.'
'I thought you were friends.'
'What part of sociopath didn't you understand?' he asked.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Affliction

“Please don't follow in my footsteps. I'm already knee-deep in them, and am sinking rapidly...”
― Tony James Slater

“A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.”
― Ryan Lilly

“You’ll like dating, everyone eats ass now.”
― Monica Heisey, Really Good, Actually

“You know what I could use? A thrill.”
― Jim Moorman

“ik heb al een slecht geheugen zo lang ik mij kan herinneren.”
― Herman Finkers

“Mijn visie op Almelo: Als ’s morgensvroeg de zon opkomt en de leeuwerik hoog in de lucht het landvolk bezingt dat vrolijk lachend aan het werk slaat, terwijl de ruisende waterval het dal voedt waarin herderinnetjes in hun kleurige klederdrachten de geurigste kruiden zoeken voor het avondmaal, dan ligt 1200 kilometer verderop de stad Almelo.”
― Herman Finkers

“In de bergen kan het levensgevaarlijk zijn. Alleen vorig jaar al heeft de Vaalserberg 30 doden geëist.
Gelukkig is men niet op de eis ingegaan maar je schrikt wel even als je het hoort.”
― Herman Finkers

“Deze verrekijker vergroot wel 8 maal, maar toen ik er voor de 9e keer doorheen keek, deed hij het ook nog gewoon.”
― Herman Finkers

“Als je de tijd na de donder vermenigvuldigt met de snelheid heb je de afstand. Dus als je de afstand deelt door de snelheid weet je precies hoe snel je geteld hebt.”
― Herman Finkers

“The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!”
― Steven Wright

“I had the sense that I was reading a culinary version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" nearly every dish included numbers:
6 Clams Simmered in Wine & 5 Herb Garlic Butter
2 Slices of Pork Loin with 3 Potato Gallette
Tower of 4 Shrimp with 7 Vegetables
"Fiiiiive golden rings!" I sang in my head.”
― Jessica Conant-Park, Fed Up

“Tendrils were beginning to come loose from Robin's once-tight ponytail, as if her fury at her inept cameraman had somehow electrified her brain and escaped through her hair.”
― Jessica Conant-Park, Fed Up

“Prokleta bila, avlijo, sad te kapiram, Ćuprijani. Ne znam što sam se ja izlanuo, kad sam mogao da budem Kvaka 22.”
― Miladin Mitrović, Krevettrese 2

“grown men who wear water shoes to the grocery store deserve all the scorn which is heaped upon them”
― Chris Mackey, Radio Mustard: Book One: The Weight

“One day John J. Eastwood said, “There is a bad guy in town.” He said, “I want to fight him.” “First”, he said,
“I’m going to have some whiskey.” Then he went outside and started a fight. But he got shot. But he didn’t really get shot. But he killed a hot dog! The next day he was dead. We had his funeral.....
Kids, this is about westerns”
― chris mackey, Radio Mustard: Book One: The Weight

“«Ed è questo l’amore Bon Bon: una serie di bugie del cazzo raccontate per far sì che due persone che si amano credano a false verità e che l’ultima scopata sembri migliore della precedente.»”
― Naike Ror, Lacrime e stelle

“What if you do the banana peel slip and tumble like a comedy superstar? But hold your hats, my intrepid spirit; what if you unleash the power of those magical wings and soar like a dazzling phoenix? Embrace the slapstick mishaps, for they're just part of the comedy show leading to your grand finale! So, let's unleash your wit and fly into the unknown, where laughter and greatness await your sensational performance!”
― lifeispositive.com

“I felt better after shopping, more normal. And more than that looked cool, which almost made up for being in mortal danger, an international fugitive, and a partial amnesiac.”
― Lisa Unger, Sliver of Truth

“Lost in a city you've lived in for most of your life? Pretend you're a tourist.”
― Ashley Poston, The Seven Year Slip

“Money… we work for it, beg for it, kill for it, die for it, and worship it like a god. How ironic, that we should put so much importance in something that has no value whatsoever.”
― René Normandeau, The Television Media Paradigm

“Do what you think is wise, for I am staring at the skies.”
― Stephan Pastis, Squirrel Do Bad

“Humor can, and should, be consecrated. We grant that it is a power difficult to manage, but when it is under proper control, it more than repays for all the labor spent on it. Children do sad damage with gunpowder, but what a force it is when a wise man directs its energy.”
― Charles H. Spurgeon, Eccentric Preachers: Spiritual Lessons and Insights from God’s Peculiar People [Updated and Annotated]

“There are no words for how much I don't care.”
― Katherine Center, The Rom-Commers

“There are only a few things in life that are as utterly reprehensible as listening to a surfer recount his or her waves.”
― Steve Deep, BOOKSTORE BY THE SEASHORE

“Amuse. Confuse. Diffuse.”
― T/R Ellison, The Chladni Progression: The Power to Heal, an Occam's Edge Novel

“…if you pardon the pun.”
“I do NOT pardon your puuun!”
― H.C. Roberts, Harp and the Lyre: Exchange

“save money - lose honey”
― Kedi Ganapati