MY COUGH IS KILLING ME

By
Andrew Knox

Version 3.0 Andrew Knox

December 10, 2007 (206)499-5016
fugiware@yahoo.com
 Cast of Characters
GRANDPA: An old man who believes he is
a Samurai, and consequently
only speaks in Japanese.
Paranoid and prone to using
violence as a first resort.
Received the new personality
through a skiing accident and
a three week long coma.
BEN: A 4th grade boy, who is the
only one who can understand
GRANDPA’s foreign rants.
He has what is believed
to be a cold, but it’s
actually much worse. Prone
to take advantage of his
grandfather’s incoherence
to further his own ends.
SARAH: A 10th grade girl who has a
relationship with a college
guy mainly to anger her
parents. Your average,
disillusioned teenage girl.
PAUL: The father of the family, the
breadwinner, son of GRANDPA,
afraid of blood, profane but
laid back, a closet pothead.

JOAN: The mother of the family,

the most stable one, polite,
refrains from swearing, an
egomaniacal control freak.
DOCTOR BOB: A medical marijuana dealer
with first aid training. One
part medical professional,
one part cholo, eighteen
parts pothead.
(MORE)
Cast of Characters (cont’d)

Scene
The living/dining room of your average nuclear family.
There’s a table with five chairs in the middle of the room,
as well as a couch facing the audience and an invisible TV.

Time
Present Day
 2.

ACT I
Scene 1

GRANDPA
Ore no meshi wa doko da?
BEN
Grandpa says ’Where’s my rice?’
BEN coughs a bit.
JOAN
It’ll be there in a minute.
BEN
Hey, Mom, say ’silk’ three times.
JOAN
Why?
BEN
Just do it.
BEN coughs a bit.
JOAN
Silk, silk, silk.
BEN
What do cows drink?
JOAN
Milk?
BEN
No, they drink water.
JOAN
Baby cows drink milk.
BEN
That wasn’t the question.
GRANDPA
Doko da? Ore no meshi wa doko da?
BEN
He says ’Where the hell is my rice?’
 3.

JOAN
I know that! Tell him to shut up.
BEN
Haha wa ’Urusai’ to itta.
GRANDPA
Urusai? Urusai? Bakayarou.
GRANDPA laughs.
JOAN
Where did you learn Japanese so well?
JOAN sits down as he speaks
BEN
From Naruto.
GRANDPA
Naruto? Swirl fish cake wa doko da?
JOAN
You learned all that Japanese from those cheap
cartoons?
BEN
Mostly. I watched all 220 episodes in one weekend,
it’s been stuck in my head ever since.
JOAN
What about those phonics programs we got you? If you
were as devoted to those as you are to those magic
laser shooting ninjas, you could write a book.
BEN
I doubt it, Mom. Books are long.
GRANDPA
Rice!
JOAN
Just a moment.
She sets down the rice bowl.
GRANDPA dishes out a lot of rice to his plate.
GRANDPA
Itadakimasu!
GRANDPA picks up his plate and exits stage left.
 4.

PAUL enters stage left, sits down in GRANDPA’s old

seat.
JOAN
We’ve got to do something about your father.
PAUL
We do?
BEN
Aw come on, Mom. Can’t we keep him? He’s so cute with
his domos and his arigatos.
JOAN
Dear, he’s lost himself. Remember when Grandpa spoke
English, and only English?
BEN
Yeah, he was a lot less jumpy back then, nicer too.
JOAN
We’re thinking of sending him to a place where they’ll
make him better. Or at least get him off our hands.
BEN
Get him off our hands? No way!
JOAN
Ben, how many times this month have you come home from
school to find something in your room sliced in half?
BEN
Not too many, well, uh...
PAUL
Why don’t we just take away his sword?
BEN
No way!
JOAN
Why not?
BEN
He said that the sword is the holy bond between warrior
and death.
PAUL
So?
BEN
He’ll die before he surrenders his sword. It’s the code
of honor, code of manliness, code of the samurai!
 5.

JOAN
He’s not a samurai! He just thinks he is.
BEN
I thought you said I could be anything I wanted to be
if I believed in myself.
JOAN
Yes, but Grandpa trying to be a samurai is like you
trying to be a fire truck.
SARAH enters stage right quietly, no one notices.
BEN
I’ll be a fire truck one day, don’t piss on my parade.
SARAH sits down at the end seat.
BEN
Hey, look, Sarah’s home.
JOAN and PAUL’s attention suddenly switches from
BEN to SARAH. The calm translates to anger
instantly. JOAN is ready to kill.
JOAN
Where the hell have you been?
SARAH
Out.
JOAN
With who?
SARAH
With people.
JOAN
You weren’t out with Steve, were you?
SARAH
No, Mom, I told you, Steve’s an asshole. I haven’t
talked to him in weeks.
JOAN
Then what were you doing out there?
SARAH
I was bowling with friends.
JOAN
Really? Which friends?
 6.

SARAH
Um, Ginny and Pete.
JOAN
Who’s Pete?
SARAH
He’s okay, Mom. He’s safe.
JOAN
Are you sure.
SARAH
Well, he is...
JOAN
He’s what?
SARAH
Me and Ginny are pretty sure that he’s gay.
JOAN
Oh, okay.
Conversation dies down and people return to
eating, when all of the sudden, SARAH’s cell phone
rings, with an annoying while generic ring tone,
maybe Mexican Hat Dance or something like
that. BEN grabs the phone out of his sister’s
hands and starts up a game of keep away.
BEN
Keep away!
SARAH
No!
He tosses it to his father, his father tosses it
back, lather, rinse, repeat, all of this with
SARAH complaining loudly and the phone ringing in
the background.
As he is about to toss it back to PAUL again, JOAN
catches it and looks at the front screen.
A look of shock and anger graces JOAN’s face. The
phone stops ringing.
JOAN
One missed call, from Steve.
 7.

SARAH
Mom!
JOAN starts using the phone, looking for the call
log that the audience clearly can’t see.
PAUL
Probably just a wrong number.
JOAN
Not really. One call today, eleven minutes. One call
last night, thirty-seven minutes. Three calls on
Tuesday, a total of an hour and eighteen minutes.
JOAN sets down the cell phone angrily, eyes
focused intently on SARAH.
JOAN
Haven’t talked to him in weeks, huh?
SARAH
Maybe it’s been less time than that.
JOAN
Paul, call the police.
SARAH
No, Dad, don’t!
PAUL
Wait. Why should I call the police?
JOAN
Statutory rape! Do I have to spell everything out?
SARAH
No, we aren’t like that yet.
JOAN
Yet?
BEN starts coughing.
PAUL
It’s not that big a deal. Honey, when did you start
dating boys?
SARAH
Yeah, Mom, when?
JOAN
That’s beside the point.
 8.

BEN’s coughing gets worse.

SARAH
That’s inside the point!
PAUL
What?
SARAH
I mean, that is the point.
JOAN
It doesn’t matter. How many times do I have to tell
you to stay away from him?
PAUL
Honey, what’s the big deal? She’s a high school
student, she’s old enough to start doing stuff.
BEN is trying to get some attention for his
coughing, none is given.
JOAN
The big deal is that he’s a Junior.
PAUL
So? Isn’t Sarah a Sophomore?
JOAN
In college.
PAUL
Oh, fuck.
BEN is coughing something terrible.
SARAH
You guys are just assholes, you don’t understand me.
SARAH leaves stage right. BEN’s coughing is
finally noticed, by PAUL.
PAUL
What’s wrong with Ben?
BEN coughs up some blood.
PAUL
Oh my god, we gotta get him to a doctor.
JOAN
Why, what’s wrong with him?
 9.

PAUL
He just coughed up some blood.
Scene 2
JOAN
Oh my goodness.
JOAN gets up and goes over to the phone. She
dials in a number.
JOAN
It’s broken.
(quoting the machine...)
911 is down for service and repairs, if you have an
emergency, please call your local police directly.
PAUL
Fuck! Nobody knows the local police number, they’ve
conditioned us to remember simplicity. Fuck! Fuck!
JOAN
Now is not the time to swear, it’s the time to help.
PAUL is pacing back and forth, ripe with concern,
he looks stage right and sees something amazing.
PAUL
Damn, there’s gotta be at least three feet of snow out
there. And all the street lights are out.
JOAN
How are we going to get him to a doctor?
PAUL
Well we can’t take him to the doctor, so, the doctor
has to come to us.
JOAN
It’s obvious you’ve lost what competency you once
held. How are we going to call an ambulance?
PAUL
I know a doctor.
JOAN
Call him up, then!
PAUL takes out his phone and calls up DOCTOR
BOB. DOCTOR BOB can be heard off stage,
"Speakerphone-style."
 10.

DOCTOR BOB
Doctor Bob’s Medicinal Marijuana Supplies. Trust us,
our stuff is the best. How can I help you?
PAUL
Yo, this is Paul.
DOCTOR BOB
Hey, man, I got your order ready, it just came in,
great timing man, trippy timing.
PAUL
No, I’m not calling about that.
DOCTOR BOB
How many times I gotta tell you, man. Prescriptions
are just pieces of paper to me.
PAUL
No, I’ve got a problem.
DOCTOR BOB
All sales are final.
PAUL
No, my son, he’s dying.
DOCTOR BOB
That’s too bad, you want a bag on the house?
PAUL
No, you know first aid, right?
DOCTOR BOB
Well, I am a doctor.
PAUL
You just call yourself Doctor Bob.
DOCTOR BOB
I know, everybody falls for it.
PAUL
Can you come help him?
DOCTOR BOB
Yeah, man, I’ll be over there after I close up.
PAUL
Faster than that please?
 11.

DOCTOR BOB
Jeez, man, gimme a minute.
PAUL hangs up.
PAUL
How’s he doing?
JOAN
Bad, I guess.
BEN coughs up more blood.
JOAN
Pretty bad.
PAUL can’t handle the sight of blood,
apparently. He faces away and starts walking
stage left.
PAUL
I’m gonna see if we have any Pepto.
JOAN
Pepto Bismol won’t help, he has a cough!
PAUL
I’ll see if we have any roofies then.
PAUL exits stage left.
JOAN
Paul, come back!
He doesn’t come back, a moment passes. GRANDPA
enters stage left.
GRANDPA
Nani?
JOAN
Now is not the time, Grandpa.
BEN
Mom, where did Chester go?
JOAN
Who?
BEN
My dog, you said he ran away last year, where’d he go?
 12.

GRANDPA
Oh, shitake.
GRANDPA looks guilty and suspicious.
JOAN
Why don’t you ask your Grandfather?
GRANDPA laughs nervously.
BEN
Ojii-san?
GRANDPA
Inu wa ten e itta.
BEN
Really?
GRANDPA
Hai.
JOAN
What was his excuse?
BEN
Heaven. That sounds like a nice place.
JOAN
Damn, almost got him. Sorry for swearing, darling.
BEN starts coughing again. GRANDPA draws his
sword and holds it out for BEN to take.
GRANDPA
Seppuku?
JOAN
That’s taking it way too far.
GRANDPA reluctantly puts the sword away. He
skulks off stage left. A moment later, PAUL
enters again.
PAUL
Shit, what should we do?
JOAN
Do we have any cough syrup?
PAUL
No, drank the last drop this morning.
 13.

JOAN
I’ll go buy some more now then.
PAUL
No, remember how when we overdrawed the account last
week? Now we both have to be there to endorse a check.
JOAN
That’s the dumbest law ever.
PAUL
I’ve got no bills, do you?
A moment of thought.
JOAN
Ok, I see your point, let’s just go then. Grandpa,
keep an eye on Ben.
PAUL and JOAN depart stage right. GRANDPA comes
back on stage right. A moment later, SARAH enters
stage right. She notices something is amiss.
SARAH
Where’s Mom and Dad?
BEN
They went to buy cough syrup.
SARAH
And they couldn’t wait until the snow melted?
BEN
Dad says I’m dying.
SARAH
I’m sure he was exaggerating. He uses up all that
cough syrup on his cigarettes.
BEN
What do you mean?
SARAH
Well if you dip cigarettes in... never mind, you’re too
young to get it.
BEN
Dad smokes?
SARAH
No, it was a joke, irony.
 14.

BEN
Dad isn’t metal.
SARAH
That’s true.
BEN coughs something terrible.
SARAH
Are you okay?
BEN
Remember? Dad says I’m dying.
SARAH
I didn’t think he was serious.
BEN
I
(coughing)
did.
SARAH
Should I call a doctor?
GRANDPA
Iie. Otou-san wa mou denwa wo shita.
SARAH
What did he say?
BEN
He said
(cough)
’No, Dad did’.
SARAH
Who’d Dad call?
BEN
Doctor Bob.
SARAH
Who the hell is that?
A rumble from stage left. Doctor Bob walks on.
DOCTOR BOB
I the hell is that!
 15.

Scene 3
GRANDPA
Dare da?
DOCTOR BOB
Good morning to you, as well good sir.
SARAH
Do we ever lock the front door anymore?
DOCTOR BOB
No, you don’t. Very neighborly of you.
SARAH
Who are you?
DOCTOR BOB
I am Doctor Bob, Ph.D in Philosophy, and I am also a
certified first aid trainee.
SARAH
You mean like those lame two hour seminars that they
hold at shopping malls yearly?
DOCTOR BOB
The very same. Now that my credentials are in check,
where is the patient?
BEN
Hey.
DOCTOR BOB sets down his tool bag and gets out a
hammer. He walks towards BEN.
DOCTOR BOB
Now this won’t hurt a bit.
SARAH
What are you about to do?
DOCTOR BOB
I’m gonna check his reflexes.
SARAH
Damn, you don’t do it with a full size hammer!
DOCTOR BOB
Name a better way to do it.
GRANDPA
Anata wa baka desuka?
 16.

SARAH
(To GRANDPA)
Shut up, old man.
(To DOCTOR BOB)
Are you a dumbass?
DOCTOR BOB
Right, let’s check your temperature.
DOCTOR BOB puts away the hammer and gets out a
thermometer.
DOCTOR BOB
Now, stick this under your tongue.
DOCTOR BOB forces the thermometer into BEN’s mouth
DOCTOR BOB
(To GRANDPA)
So how about them Dodgers?
GRANDPA
Bakayarou! Ore wa terebi wo mite iru!
DOCTOR BOB
I know, they can’t seem to win in the offseason.
SARAH
You can speak Japanese?
DOCTOR BOB
You can do anything if you believe in yourself.
SARAH
So, you can’t really.
DOCTOR BOB
Not really. Can he?
SARAH
Well, that’s a tricky topic.
DOCTOR BOB
What happened?
SARAH
It was a skiing accident.
DOCTOR BOB
Oh, what happened?
 17.

SARAH
He was riding the lift to the top of the bunny hill.
GRANDPA
Usagi?
SARAH
Shut up!
GRANDPA gets angry and leaves stage left.
SARAH
And he fell backwards on his head when he tried to get
off. He was in a coma for three weeks and when he woke
up, he would only speak Japanese.
DOCTOR BOB
Why? Did he know any Japanese beforehand?
SARAH
No, we’d leave it on the Asian channel during the night
because his favorite show was Iron Chef.
DOCTOR BOB
That show gives me the munchies badly.
DOCTOR BOB takes the thermometer from BEN.
DOCTOR BOB
99 degrees, not too much above normal, probably just a
cold, he should be all better in a few days.
SARAH
What about all this blood he coughed up.
DOCTOR BOB
Oh, so it wasn’t a decoration?
SARAH
Look at the table, the wall, his shirt, blood stains!
DOCTOR BOB
Then it’s gotta be cancer.
SARAH
Why’s it gotta be cancer?
DOCTOR BOB
I don’t know how to explain it. Who do you think I am?
Doctor House? I think not.
PAUL and JOAN enter stage left.
 18.

SARAH
Hey, Dad.
JOAN
Ahem!
SARAH
And Mom.
JOAN
What’s that smell?
PAUL
The store was closed. Where did this storm come from?
DOCTOR BOB realizes that PAUL has entered.
DOCTOR BOB
What’s the word on the streets of Shaolin?
PAUL
Bananarama, my cracker!
They hug like old school homies.
PAUL
Passwords never get old.
DOCTOR BOB
What’s happening?
PAUL
My kid’s fucking up.
DOCTOR BOB
Yeah, he’s got cancer, so I figure I’ll give you a
discount on the sampler pack.
PAUL
Sweet.
(To BEN)
Sucks for you, though, little dude.
JOAN
What’s the sampler pack.
DOCTOR BOB
Oh, just a smörgåsbord of the finest hash in the
eastern hemisphere. Any one of them will blow...
PAUL is motioning to DOCTOR BOB to shut up, but
JOAN has heard enough to be pissed.
 19.

JOAN
This man isn’t a doctor at all!
DOCTOR BOB
Hey, lady. My name is Doctor Bob, and I don’t care for
you just coming in here and...
JOAN
Shut the hell up before I call the cops.
DOCTOR BOB
Yes’m.
JOAN
Paul, have you been smoking marijuana recreationally?
PAUL
Uh...
SARAH
Way to go, Dad!
PAUL
Sarah’s dating a college guy!
BEN starts coughing again.
SARAH
Don’t shift attention to me! Ben’s dying here!
JOAN
Have you ever watched TV? Seen those ads? Marijuana
smokers are losers.
DOCTOR BOB
We like to be called pot heads.
PAUL
Fuck this noise. I need a smoke.
PAUL exits stage left.
JOAN
You smoke cigarettes too?
SARAH
What about Ben?
BEN coughs up more blood, as if on cue.
SARAH
Have we tried 911 at all? I’m a better doctor than
this crack head!
 20.

GRANDPA enters stage left.

DOCTOR BOB
We’re pot heads!
GRANDPA
Urusai minna!
GRANDPA exits stage left.
BEN
Grandpa says: ’Everybody shut the hell up! He can’t
hear his soap opera.’
PAUL enters stage left.
JOAN
Marijuana destroys your brain cells.
PAUL
Why do you like him anyway? He just wants you for your
ample body.
DOCTOR BOB
Dude, ew. That’s your daughter. Sore wa seku-hara no
jutsu. Seriously...
BEN
Secret sexual harassment technique.
BEN coughs some more.
SARAH
I thought you didn’t speak Japanese.
PAUL
I thought you said you weren’t still dating him.
SARAH
I don’t get why this is an issue.
PAUL
You don’t?
JOAN
Paul, Steve’s a better role model than you are.
PAUL
How’s that?
JOAN
He doesn’t smoke pot.
 21.

Aggravated, PAUL exits stage left.

DOCTOR BOB
Come on, he’s a college student.
JOAN
He really is the most useless character ever, though.
SARAH
Why aren’t you more concerned about Ben?
JOAN
(yelling)
We all have our own coping mechanisms!
GRANDPA enters stage left, everybody looks at him.
GRANDPA
Shut the hell up... dattebayo!
JOAN
Oh my god, he just...
BEN
He says that I should get a new bike.
JOAN
Nice try.
(To GRANDPA)
Grandpa, are you back to being sane?
GRANDPA
Nan desuka?
JOAN
Damn. We were so close.
SARAH
Hey, isn’t Ben supposed to be dying?
JOAN
Oh, yes, what was your diagnosis, again, crack head?
DOCTOR BOB
I’m not going to dignify that with a response.
SARAH
(laboriously)
What was your esteemed prognosis, honorable doctor of
Philosophy, Bob Roberts?
 22.

DOCTOR BOB
He’s got cancer.
JOAN
Where?
DOCTOR BOB
It’s in his body.
SARAH
Where in his body.
DOCTOR BOB peers down at BEN, analyzing him more
carefully. GRANDPA inches his way over to BEN.
DOCTOR BOB
I haven’t the foggiest. I suggest, to prevent anymore
suffering for him, that you put him to sleep.
GRANDPA
Batta, kowasareta garasu wo taberu koto ga yamerou
ze. Sore wa nodo wo kiru.
BEN
Oh, that’s what you meant?
DOCTOR BOB
Yes, I enjoy fireflies in the summer as well.
JOAN
What did he just say?
BEN
He just gave me some advice to make me feel better.
JOAN
What was it?
BEN
He said stop eating broken glass, it cuts up my throat
too much.
JOAN
What? Is that true?
BEN
I heard him say glass, but he said I should eat grass.
GRANDPA
Soshite tamago desu.
 23.

BEN
And eggs too.
JOAN
What would possess you into eating glass.
BEN
And eggs.
GRANDPA
Anatano manrinesu wo shoumeisu ruyori youina houhou
gaaru.
BEN
He says there are easier ways to prove my manliness.
SARAH
Yeah, but you’ve been swallowing glass!
GRANDPA
Pole vaulting, weight rifting-desu. Et cetera.
DOCTOR BOB
I’m disappointed, I thought there’d be a better ending
to this whole episode.
BEN
Yeah, in retrospect, it was a bad idea.
GRANDPA
No duh.
Curtains and lights fall.
 24.

ACT II
Scene 1
SARAH is the only character on stage. She looks
around nervously before taking out her cell
phone. She dials a number and puts it up to her
ear. She anxiously waits for the person on the
other end to pick up.
SARAH
Steve?
(Steve talks, we can’t hear.)
Hey, I’m grounded because of you.
(Steve talks.)
Yeah, well how are you gonna make that up to me?
(Steve talks.)
Really? It’s homecoming there?
(Steve talks.)
Yeah, I guess the U does it later.
(Steve talks.)
I don’t know if I can come.
(Steve talks.)
No, I know it’s not a dance or anything.
(Steve talks.)
Maybe I don’t feel like going to a party, man.
(Steve talks.)
Why can’t we get some teriyaki or something?
(Steve talks.)
Really? He’s gonna be there?
(Steve talks.)
Yeah, I know, right?
(Steve talks.)
Alright, I can probably trick my Dad, or somebody.
JOAN walks on stage right. SARAH hastily changes
the topic of the telephone conversation.
SARAH
How much is a large pizza, again?
(Steve talks.)
12.99? That’s a bit high.
JOAN
We’re not having pizza for dinner.
SARAH
And how much for the root beer?
JOAN
No. Get off the phone, you’re grounded.
 25.

SARAH
Okay, god!
(To phone...)
See ya later.
JOAN
See ya later?
SARAH
The pizza girl goes to my school.
JOAN
Really? I’ll have to remember to support that place.
JOAN exits stage left. Moments later, PAUL enters
stage right. He is extremely hung over.
SARAH
Hey, Dad!
PAUL
Hey, Sarah.
SARAH
Hey, Dad!
PAUL
Hey, Sarah.
SARAH
Hey, Dad!
PAUL
What do you want?
SARAH
Can I go to a party tonight?
PAUL
A party? What day is it?
SARAH
Dad, it’s Saturday. What did you go out and do with
that pothead last night? You seem blown out.
PAUL
Man, I blacked out after the part with the
squirrels. Every part of my body hurts, though. Maybe
I ran a marathon? Yeah, I think I could’ve done that.
SARAH
No way. Party?
 26.

PAUL
What? I don’t think so.
SARAH
But Skeezy from MurderWagon is going to be there!
PAUL
Murderwagon?
SARAH
No, MurderWagon. The ’W’ is capitalized.
PAUL
What’s MurderWagon?
SARAH
It’s like the best punk band since the Circle
Jerks. They’ve got a completely emo name, but it’s
only to hide the band from posers.
PAUL
The Circle Jerks?
SARAH
Can I go?
PAUL
Aren’t you grounded or something?
SARAH
No, Mom changed her mind after you left.
PAUL
Really? That doesn’t sound like her.
SARAH
Yeah. But I’ll cover for you if you cover for me.
PAUL
Like how?
SARAH
Like how you and Bob just went out to do some
charitable work downtown. I saw it on the news last
night, I was so proud of you.
PAUL
What do I say to your mother, though? I’m not good at
lying to her on the spot. I need a script.
SARAH
Tell her, if she asks where I am, tell her I’m getting
service learning hours at the food bank.
 27.

PAUL
She won’t believe that both of us did charity work.
SARAH
Alright, you drove me to Ginny’s house or something.
PAUL
Alright, deal.
(They shake on it.)
But your mother must never know.
SARAH
Agreed.

Scene 2
PAUL, JOAN, BEN and GRANDPA are all on stage. BEN
sits on the floor, while JOAN and PAUL sit on the
couch, GRANDPA sits in his own chair.
GRANDPA
Ore no meshi wa doko da?
BEN
Where’s his rice!
JOAN
It’s not time to eat.
BEN
Grandpa needs his rice.
JOAN
Grandpa needs to snap out of that illusion.
BEN’s mood instantly changes from playfully
argumentative to confused.
BEN
What?
JOAN
If he doesn’t stop faking it, pretending to be a
samurai, we’re going to have to institutionalize him.
BEN
Faking it? He’s a samurai.
JOAN
How in the heck is there a samurai in the middle of
Wisconsin?
(Gesturing towards the window.)
Do those look like the streets of Shaolin, or the
streets of Madison?
 28.

(Gesturing at Grandpa)
Is he a young, buff, Asian man, or an old, fat white
man? If he’s a samurai, then I’m the pope.
BEN
There aren’t any female popes.
PAUL
He’s got you there.
GRANDPA
Doko da? Ore no meshi wa doko da?
BEN
Where the hell is my rice?
JOAN
Don’t encourage him. Grandpa is not a samurai. Ben
has got to understand that. Have we all gone mad?
BEN
Mom! He’d just die if we sent him away to an
institution, they wouldn’t treat him right.
PAUL
Joan, he isn’t too much of a hassle, he’s my Dad.
JOAN
Well, we can’t afford him anymore.
PAUL
What do you mean?
JOAN
I’m the one who does the taxes, but even you should
know that one paycheck from the auto supply store and
one from the McJuice stand can’t properly feed and
house a family of 5 people, 2 cars.
BEN
Why don’t we get rid of a car then. I can do without
that minivan.
PAUL
You just hate the color.
BEN
So?
JOAN
With one car, we still barely break even. We get more
and more broke with every month that passes.
 29.

BEN
Well, Grandpa’s not a pet that we can just choose to
give up because we don’t wanna take care of him, he’s a
human being. We don’t leave troops behind, do we?
JOAN
Well, he’s not very much like his old self. Is he
really family, or is he a caricature of an ancient
culture. Can we house a violent maniac? Paul?
PAUL
He’s my dad. I don’t wanna just toss him away.
BEN
Yeah, exactly.
JOAN
(angrily, suppressed)
I think we have to discuss this further.
(grabbing PAUL)
Upstairs...
(walking away)
What happened to your vow of blind obedience?
PAUL
We got married ages ago!
PAUL and JOAN exit stage left simultaneously.
BEN
Can you believe that? They’re gonna put you
away. Maybe you should knock it off now.
GRANDPA
But it’s just getting to the good part!
BEN
They’re seriously thinking about it this time.
GRANDPA
You think so? Do you think it has anything to do with
what happened last night, with the glass and all that?
BEN
Yeah, I’ve never heard Mom come up with so many fake
excuses before. She usually just tells me to stop back
talking. It was weird.
GRANDPA
Do you think that any of those excuses were real?
 30.

BEN
Well, Christmas was a bit skimpy, but I thought that
was just Mom being a bitch.
GRANDPA
Hey, don’t talk about her that way. She tries hard.
BEN
To piss me off. I hate her. She seems to only do
things to oppose me.
GRANDPA
Ever consider it could be the other way around?
BEN
No, of course not.
GRANDPA
It’s too bad the game has to end already. It was just
starting to get fun. We should have started it a while
ago. They wouldn’t have seen it coming.
BEN
Yeah...
(inspiration strikes...)
Hey, it doesn’t have to end.
GRANDPA
What’s this noise?
BEN
What if we distracted everybody, by doing something, by
resurrecting O D B.
GRANDPA
O D B?
BEN
Ol’ Dirty Bastard.
GRANDPA
Why would we want to resurrect a dirty old fatherless
man? We already have enough of them.
BEN
No, he was a rapper.
GRANDPA
A rapper?
BEN
He died a few years ago.
 31.

GRANDPA
They can die?
BEN
Yeah, the immortality is a facade.
GRANDPA
Wow. But why would we want to bring him back to life?
BEN
He was the funniest drunk ever.
GRANDPA
But we can’t just bring dead people back into society,
there’ll be rioting, looting and worst of all, we’ll be
obliged to accommodate everyone else whose had a family
member or loved one die. This doesn’t sound feasible.
BEN
(pleading)
But you haven’t even heard my plan to resurrect
him! C’mon, listen to that at least.
GRANDPA
(sighs)
Alright.
BEN
First we dig him up.
GRANDPA
Obviously.
Talking from off-stage.
BEN
Shush! They’re coming.
PAUL and JOAN enter in an argument, they pay
little attention to GRANDPA and BEN.
PAUL
Why should I have known that Ben’s been eating glass?
JOAN
Where have your empty beer bottles been going?
PAUL
In the recycling!
JOAN
And then where?
 32.

PAUL
The dump?
JOAN
Or down your son’s throat?
PAUL
Oh, well, what about your...
JOAN
What about my what? Your alcohol addiction is fueling
your son’s glass addiction.
PAUL
One beer at dinner isn’t an addiction!
JOAN
Maybe, but it is a steady supply!
BEN
(interrupting)
Mom?
JOAN
What?
BEN
I’m off of glass now, it isn’t cool. Now I’m into 90’s
gangster rap. It’s a lot smoother.
JOAN
Is this your grandfather’s doing.
GRANDPA
(caught unawares)
Wha... Hai.
JOAN
I don’t care for that type of music, there’s too much
swearing for a nine-year old to be listening to it.
BEN
What the fuck are you talking about?
JOAN
Ben!
PAUL
Not a good call, son.
JOAN
(yelling)
We don’t use those words in this house!
 33.

PAUL
Without an emergency.
JOAN
That’s right. No, wait, no it isn’t!
PAUL
Uh.
JOAN
You enable and encourage his delinquent behavior!
PAUL
Well.
JOAN
Your swearing, your friends, your drinking!
JOAN storms out stage right. PAUL watches her
leave the room and then sighs.
PAUL
Oh, dammit.

Scene 3
BEN is the only one on stage, sitting on the
couch, looking bored. After a moment, he gets
bored and walks toward stage right. He yells
’upstairs’ and the answers come from offstage.
BEN
Dad! Do you want to do a seance?
PAUL
What?
BEN
A seance.
PAUL
Not right now. I’m busy.
BEN is disappointed by this answer. A moment
passes before he tries again.
BEN
Mom!
JOAN
What is it?
 34.

BEN
Seance?
JOAN
What?
BEN
Seance!
JOAN
No witchcraft in the house.
BEN is disappointed again. He walks to the other
side of the room to yell to the only other person
in the house.
BEN
Grandpa?
GRANDPA enters stage left.
BEN
Seance?
GRANDPA
For who?
BEN
ODB.
GRANDPA
Who’s that again?
BEN
The rapper.
GRANDPA
And you’re gonna talk to him before resurrecting him?
BEN
Yeah. Gotta find out if he wants to come back.
GRANDPA
And what if he doesn’t want to be talked to at all?
BEN
I doubt it, he was a chatty one.
GRANDPA
Haven’t you ever seen Scooby Doo? Don’t you know what
the penalties are for irritating a spirit?
 35.

BEN
Well, I don’t have an ascot or a great dane, so I
should be fine.
GRANDPA
Just remember, I warned you.
BEN
Do you wanna help me?
GRANDPA
I think I’ll just sit back and watch.
BEN
Alright... enjoy the show.
GRANDPA sits in a chair and watches as BEN sits
down, crosses his legs and begins to
meditate. The lights dim, the tone of the stage
is ethereal.
BEN
I call upon the spirits eternal. I call upon the ones
who have lived as we all have, have sinned as we all
have, have moved on to the next world as we all
will. I call upon the Ol’ Dirty Bastard.
A moment of silence.
GRANDPA
Nothing’s happening.
BEN
Give it a minute.
The lights come on and PAUL enters from stage
right. He’s confused.
PAUL
What’s going on down here?
BEN
A seance.
PAUL
For who?
BEN
Ol’ Dirty Bastard.
PAUL
Oh, good luck.
 36.

PAUL exits stage right.

BEN
Can you get the lights.
PAUL
Oh, sorry.
The lights fall, the seance continues.
GRANDPA
It’s still not working.
BEN
Damn.
GRANDPA
You could try an Ohm.
BEN
Yeah... Ohhhhhhhhhhhm... Ohhhhhhhhhhhm. It’s still
not working! What’s wrong with this?
GRANDPA
I got a crystal in my desk, I’ll go get it.
GRANDPA exits stage left. A moment, more
ohming. BEN focuses at something in front and
above him.
BEN
Oh, hey, there you are.
(to stage left)
Grandpa, he’s here!
The lights flash on and off.
BEN
Grandpa! Help!
The lights are up on full power. BEN is
terrified, gazing upwards. The lights fall,
sounds of a struggle are heard.

Scene 4
BEN is lying face down on the floor. GRANDPA
enters stage left and immediately notices his
fallen relative. He rushes to BEN’s side.
GRANDPA
Oy! Paul! Oy!
 37.

PAUL and JOAN rush on scene from stage right.

JOAN
What’s wrong with Ben?
GRANDPA flips BEN over.
GRANDPA
Wakarimasen!
PAUL
Damn, Ben can’t translate. Can you sign language it?
GRANDPA
Nan desuka?
PAUL makes exaggerated movements that he think
mean ’What happened to him?’ in sign
language. GRANDPA stares blankly.
PAUL
Dammit, Dad! Snap out of this shit! Speak english!
GRANDPA
Nan desuka?
JOAN
Maybe it’s authentic, you’d think he’d quit it in an
emergency like this.
PAUL
But what about Ben? This is the second emergency in 24
hours! What’s going on?
JOAN investigates the back of BEN’s head.
JOAN
There’s no bruises or anything. He looks fine.
PAUL
But he isn’t! We need the doctor, again.
JOAN
Oh, don’t tell me.
PAUL
We can’t take him to a doctor, so the doctor has to
come to us!
JOAN
Please, no, Paul, don’t say it
 38.

PAUL
I know a doctor.
JOAN
No way is he coming back in my house again.
PAUL
Let’s call Doctor Bob.
JOAN
No, please think of another doctor!
PAUL
I think that task is in your court.
JOAN
Damn.
PAUL takes out his phone and calls up DOCTOR
BOB. DOCTOR BOB can be heard off stage, GRANDPA
and JOAN take care of the unconscious BEN.
DOCTOR BOB
Doctor Bob’s Medicinal Marijuana Supplies. Trust us,
our stuff is the best. How can I help you?
PAUL
Yo, this is Paul.
DOCTOR BOB
What’s up, man?
PAUL
It’s my son again.
DOCTOR BOB
Oh, jeez, man, what’s wrong with him this time.
PAUL
He fainted and collapsed.
DOCTOR BOB
That’s too bad, you want a bag on the house?
PAUL
No, man, I’d like some legitimate advice!
DOCTOR BOB
Well, were you in the room when it happened?
PAUL
No, Grandpa found him.
 39.

DOCTOR BOB
Hey man, did you hear what those DEA bastards are
trying to do?
PAUL
No, what about Ben.
DOCTOR BOB
Pens are basically free, man. Just like the paper they
printed that subpoena on! I lit it up right in front
the DA. You should’ve seen his face. Priceless.
PAUL
No, not pen, what about Ben?
DOCTOR BOB
If they think they can keep getting warrants to raid my
supplies, then I’m gonna get a warrant to take their
Welbutrin and doughnuts, if ya know what I mean!
PAUL
C’mon, man, my son?
DOCTOR BOB
I feel something.
PAUL is confused.
PAUL
Well, uh, that’s better than being numb, I guess.
DOCTOR BOB
No, I feel something through the phone line.
PAUL
Like what?
DOCTOR BOB
Was there any meddling with the spirit world in the
house recently?
PAUL
How should I know?
DOCTOR BOB
Did anybody die? Any shrines or seances?
PAUL
He said something about a seance.
DOCTOR BOB
For who?
 40.

PAUL
Does it matter?
DOCTOR BOB
Paul, this is imperative, who did Ben try to contact
from the other side?
PAUL
A rapper, I think.
DOCTOR BOB
Which one? Tupac, Biggie, Proof?
PAUL
I think he said something about an Ol’ Dirty Bastard.
DOCTOR BOB
Oh my god. I’ll be over there in a minute.
PAUL
Alright, see ya.
PAUL hangs up.
PAUL
Is he doing any better.
JOAN
I think he’s about to come to. He’s been shaking for
about a minute or so, almost like seizures. Oh, poor
baby. Why are you plagued?
JOAN starts to cry lightly.
PAUL
Bob should be here in a minute, and this time, he
sounds like he knows what he’s talking about.
JOAN wipes away the tears.
JOAN
That’ll be new.
GRANDPA
Nan deshita? Nan deshita.
JOAN
So what’s the tele-diagnosis?
PAUL
Something about a seance and a rapper.
 41.

JOAN
What?
PAUL
I just say what I know.
JOAN laughs a little, then notices something.
JOAN
Where’s Sarah?
PAUL
Uh...
PAUL looks up as if in thought. House lights fall
and the spotlight is on PAUL. SARAH’s voice is
off-stage giving PAUL a clue as well a cue.
SARAH
Tell her, if she asks where I am anyway, tell her I’m
getting service learning hours at the food bank.
PAUL
She won’t believe that both of us did charity work.
SARAH
Alright, you drove me to Ginny’s house or something.
House lights rise again.
PAUL
I drove her to Ginny’s house, or something.
JOAN
But she’s grounded.
House lights fall and the spotlight is on PAUL.
SARAH
I had to work on a project with her.
House lights rise again.
PAUL
She had to work on a project with Ginny.
JOAN
A project?
House lights fall and the spotlight is on PAUL.
 42.

SARAH
For school.
House lights rise.
PAUL
For school.
JOAN
What class?
House lights fall and the spotlight is on PAUL.
SARAH
You think of something!
House lights.
PAUL
Uhh.
JOAN
I think she duped you. But, we’ll deal with her later.
DOCTOR BOB bounds on stage from the right.
DOCTOR BOB
Doctor Bob is here!
JOAN
Oh, great. Do you have to yell your name every time
you enter the room?
DOCTOR BOB
Have to? No. Want to? Yes, it has a great ring to
it.
(singing)
Doctor Bob, Doctor Bob!
JOAN
Shut up! What’s wrong with my son?
DOCTOR BOB
He’s possessed.
JOAN
What?
DOCTOR BOB
I believe a ghost that impersonates Russell Jones,
A.K.A. Ol’ Dirty Bastard, has invaded your son’s body.
 43.

JOAN
Are you serious?
DOCTOR BOB
Yes, his name is Simon Jensen, but I knew him as
Smitty, and the last time I saw him, he was face down
in a ditch in ’Nam.
PAUL
Oh my god.
DOCTOR BOB
Over the years, I’ve visited various medicine men,
faith healers and psychics. I’ve talked to the ghosts
of my past and ever since around, oh, say 1999 or so,
Smitty’s been infatuated with the Wu Tang Clan. His
mannerisms degraded and he got increasingly more
annoying. I stopped talking to him last year. He
can’t even pull the voice off right so it’s a pretty
half-assed imitation.
JOAN
So you’re saying my son thinks he is someone who thinks
he is someone who thinks he can swear and fornicate all
day without repercussion?
DOCTOR BOB
Uh, yeah, I guess that sums it up.
PAUL
What do we do?
JOAN
Wait for him to snap out of it?
PAUL
That didn’t work for Dad, why would it work for Ben?
JOAN
Well, let’s not come to conclusions, he might have just
had a minor aneurysm or something. He could faint from
that, right?
PAUL
Aneurysms aren’t minor.
JOAN
Well, something small that makes you faint.
DOCTOR BOB
I suggest you do something non-medical.
 44.

JOAN
(angrily)
Like what?
DOCTOR BOB
Consult a priest.
GRANDPA
Oy!
BEN is coming to.
BEN
Oh.
JOAN
What is it, Ben?
BEN
Oh.
JOAN
Are you okay?
BEN
Ooh, baby, I like it raw... yeah baby, I like it raw!
DOCTOR BOB
I told you it would happen. I told you! Two points!
JOAN
This is just great, Paul.
PAUL
How’s that?
JOAN
Now we have two incomprehensible family members.
PAUL
One wasn’t enough?
BEN
(rapping)
Who the hell wanna be an emcee if you can’t get paid,
to be a emcee? I came out o’ my momma, I’m on welfare.
JOAN
Apparently not.
GRANDPA
Welfare desuka?
 45.

BEN
(rapping)
Twenty-six years old, still on welfare! So I gotta get
paid fully. Whether it’s truthfully or
untruthfully. Move ’em out, Rawhide!
JOAN
Well, what do we do now?
PAUL
Sleep it off, check on it in the morning?
DOCTOR BOB
That’s better than singing a song.
All lights fall...
BEN
(ODB-singing)
Somewhere over the rainbow, where blue birds fly.
Somewhere over the rainbow, lost in a lullaby...
(rapping)
Hear me now! Style funky, you know that’s me. Killer
bee woo hoo one man army, you know that’s me!
 46.

ACT III
Scene 1
BEN is the only one in the room. He’s rapping to
himself, making it up as he goes along.
BEN
I want action, that’s what I need, I never put doubt in
my mind cause I know when I touch the mic there’s the
rhyme, see the murder which is caused when you fuck
with the negative and positive charge.
PAUL, JOAN and GRANDPA enter stage left.
JOAN
Ben, sweetie? We’re about to take Grandpa to Pine
Hills, do you wanna say goodbye?
BEN
(sniffling, on the verge of tears...)
I wanna let all y’all know I love you man, I love all
y’all you know, but, but I really came here tonight,
for one reason, just cause, I don’t need to cry, I
don’t need to cry, I’m tired of this shit, remember the
time I told y’all. When I got burnt wit the gonorrhea?
Well this bitch, there’s a new bitch goddamnit!
Ohh, bitch burnt me again with gonorrhea, So I didn’t
get burnt one time, I got burnt actually two times when
you really look at it!
JOAN
Ben!
She’s about to hit him. PAUL holds her back.
PAUL
Take it easy, it’s not Ben saying, or doing the things.
JOAN
It’s all in his head, there’s no such things as ghosts!
PAUL
Well he went through a profound experience the other
day. Isn’t he allowed to play around?
JOAN
It isn’t normal!
PAUL
Bob said it was.
 47.

JOAN
A degree in philosophy isn’t a degree in psychology!
PAUL
Yeah, but I’ve heard of stuff like it before, people
doing weird things to work out trauma and stress. It’s
completely plausible.
JOAN
He wasn’t close to dying.
PAUL
But he thought he was, we all thought he was!
JOAN
And he was the one who did it, the one who swallowed
the glass! He was responsible. Responsible for
putting us all through trauma!
PAUL
That’s not fair, he’s only eight.
JOAN
He’s ten, Paul.
PAUL
Really?
JOAN
Did you forget? His birthday was only two weeks ago.
PAUL
Well, uh.
JOAN
Are you qualified to argue on his behalf if you don’t
even know how old he is?
PAUL
Probably not.
GRANDPA
Tabun.
JOAN
Oh, yeah, we gotta get rid of him.
PAUL
I wish you’d stop talking about him that way. I mean,
you’re talking about the man who raised me.
 48.

JOAN
He did a fine job.
PAUL
Hey!
JOAN
No, I’m talking about an old white man who thinks he’s
a samurai. I’m talking about an impossibility.
PAUL
I guess.
JOAN
Well, let’s go.
PAUL
Okay.
JOAN
We’ll be back in an hour or so, Ben. If you need
anything, ask Sarah.
BEN
Bitch didn’t come home last night. Duh da duh!
JOAN
Sarah didn’t come home last night?
BEN
Don’t make me say it twice, ho!
JOAN
Paul?
PAUL
I guess they pulled an all-nighter. It must be a
pretty important project or something.
BEN
I’m a rub your ass in the moonshine. Let’s take it back
to seventy-nine!
PAUL
Man, this is getting old quick.
JOAN
Okay, well, we’ll be back soon, Ben.
PAUL, JOAN and GRANDPA head towards stage right.
 49.

PAUL
Oh, damn.
JOAN
What is it?
PAUL
I think Bob has my keys.
JOAN
Why’s that?
PAUL
He told me I wasn’t sober enough to drive.
JOAN
What?
PAUL
Uh.
JOAN
You went out drinking again last night?
PAUL looks up as if in thought. House lights fall
and the spotlight is on PAUL. SARAH’s voice is
off-stage giving PAUL a clue as well a cue.
SARAH
You and Bob just went out to do some charitable work
downtown. I saw it on the news last night, I was so
proud of you.
House lights rise.
PAUL
No, no. Y’know that Bob, just an ounce of charitable
work and he’s the world’s biggest joker. He says all
sorts of things.
JOAN
I’ve noticed.
PAUL
Let’s use your keys then.
JOAN
Okay, they’re upstairs.
PAUL and JOAN exit stage left.
GRANDPA sits down next to BEN.
 50.

GRANDPA
Ben? This isn’t funny anymore.
BEN
The whole world’s a joke, god. The whole stage is a
world. Boom!
GRANDPA
I think we should stop before someone is hurt.
BEN
How many times I gotta be told, the secret’s within the
bowl, I gotta get up, and be somebody!
GRANDPA
Dammit, Ben, we’ve taken this too far. Both of our
credibilities are ruined, I’m about to get locked up,
and you’ve been possessed by a ghost of ’Nam! Was all
of this worth the laughter? Who was this a joke on?
BEN
The Ol’ Dirty Bastard straight from the Brooklyn Zoo
And I’ll be damned if I...
JOAN and PAUL enter stage left.
GRANDPA
Dammit, Ben! Give it up. This joke stopped being
funny when you started eating glass!
GRANDPA notices the other two people in the room.
GRANDPA
I’m sorry, Paul, Joan, I was just trying to connect
with my grandson. This was all supposed to be a
practical joke, but it went bad. I’m surprised it
lasted this long, actually.
JOAN
You were faking it?
GRANDPA
Yeah. But I don’t know about Ben now.
(to BEN)
They know about it now, it’s time to end it.
BEN
Shame on you, when you step through to the Ol’ Dirty
Bastard, Brooklyn Zoo!
JOAN
Shame on you, indeed. I want you out of here. Out of
my house!
 51.

PAUL
We can’t just kick him out on the street, out into the
cold! He’s my dad! Where will he live?
JOAN
Maybe in the condo he was at before all of this
nonsense. It’s not ’the cold’ in Florida.
GRANDPA
No, that sounds fair. On the condition that you one
day forgive me.
PAUL
Remember when we did this kinda thing to Mom?
JOAN
What do you mean?
GRANDPA
Oh yeah, for three weeks you were a viking, and I was a
robot?
PAUL
Yeah, something like that.
JOAN
You mean he’s done this kind of thing before.
PAUL
Yeah, I guess it’s kind of a tradition on the man’s
side of our family. Good times.
JOAN
Then why didn’t you see through it?
PAUL
Well, A: It lasted longer than three weeks, and B: It
was preceded by a pretty elaborate set up.
GRANDPA
Come on now, blunt force trauma and a coma is a bit
excessive for set up, I was just blessed with timing.
JOAN
Oh my god. Why did I marry you?

Scene 2
Seamless segue, same characters and place.
SARAH stumbles in, disheveled and roughed up, from
stage right. JOAN gets angry.
 52.

JOAN
Where the hell have you been?
SARAH
Leave me alone, Mom.
PAUL
How did your project go?
SARAH
It ended in tears.
JOAN
Where were you? Don’t give me any cock and bull!
SARAH begins crying.
JOAN
Wait, what’s wrong?
SARAH
I went to a party with Steve.
JOAN
I told you not to hang out with him. I said you were
grounded.
PAUL comforts SARAH.
SARAH
Dad said I could.
JOAN
What?
PAUL
Oh.
JOAN
Why are you always undermining my authority?
PAUL
I feel the same way about what you do!
SARAH
Hey, what about me?
JOAN
I can’t stand your stupidity, you’re falling apart and
dragging the rest of us down with you.
 53.

PAUL
You’re a high strung bitch thats giving us all anxiety
attacks! You don’t know when to quit being a drill
sergeant and start being a human!
JOAN
How dare you!
JOAN slaps PAUL hard.
GRANDPA
Hey, Sarah’s got a black eye.
JOAN
What?
SARAH
Grandpa isn’t crazy anymore?
PAUL
Yeah, he got all better. How’d you get that eye?
SARAH
I think somebody spiked my drink, and I passed out.
When I came to, they were holding me down and...
JOAN
Oh my god.
SARAH
And when it was all over, they left, and a few minutes
later, I got up and then Steve came in.
PAUL
What did he do?
SARAH
He was laughing at me, and he called me a whore, and he
hit me, he said something like his buddies enjoyed the
test ride, I think.
PAUL
That little!
PAUL gets ready to leave.
JOAN
Wait, Paul, let’s just call the police.
PAUL
You call them and tell them where to find his body!
 54.

SARAH
No, Dad, don’t.
PAUL
I’m gonna find him, and I’m gonna kill him, and his
friends, and MurderWagon, or whatever that was!
SARAH
Dad, I still love him.
This hits PAUL like a sack of bricks.
PAUL
You do?
SARAH
Yeah.
PAUL
After what he did to you?
SARAH
Yeah, I think so.
PAUL is having a hard time swallowing this. He
manages to formulate a response.
PAUL
Sweetie, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, and
you’re only fifteen. Any guy that’s capable of even
thinking of doing something like that to you is, well,
he doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air that you do.
SARAH
Well...
PAUL
Find someone nice at your school, and start from there.
SARAH
(reluctantly)
Well, alright.
JOAN
I’ll make the call.
JOAN goes over to the telephone.
She dials in 911.
JOAN
Hello? My daughter was just raped. No, she’s alright,
mostly. Can you send someone over? Thanks. Oh, got
our address? Okay, good, thanks.
 55.

JOAN hangs up the phone. A moment passes.

SARAH
So, Grandpa’s back to normal?
GRANDPA
Yeah.
SARAH
And Ben thinks that he’s Dirt McGirt?
BEN
Ooh, baby, I like it raw... yeah baby, I like it raw!
SARAH
Oh my god, this is embarrassing.
PAUL
It was funny for a minute.
SARAH
You two made some pretty messed up kids!
GRANDPA
I was going to say something to that effect earlier,
but it probably would have been off-color.
SARAH
How about we play a board game?
JOAN
Are you sure you don’t want to sleep or something?
SARAH
Rape isn’t as funny as it looks. A board game’ll get
my mind, everybody’s mind, off of things. How about we
play Careers? Careers, anyone?
Scene 2
The family is sitting at the table playing a board
game. Anxiety permeates the good times. BEN
rolls the dice.
BEN
Yeah, 7th chamber, god, I’m a go to college!
SARAH
That’ll be five hundred dollars, please.
BEN
Bitch, I gots a scholarship!
 56.

SARAH
Where did he learn these words?
GRANDPA
Public school.
JOAN
Paul, I want to get a divorce.
PAUL
Well, I wanted to go on the uranium expedition in
Argentina, but somebody beat me to the engineering
degree.
GRANDPA
Sorry, but that’s my formula!
PAUL
So I have to settle for the moon.
BEN
The whole moon? Cracker is paid!
JOAN
No, I mean, we’re just too different.
The rest of the family starts taking her threat
seriously. An arrow shoots through PAUL’s heart.
JOAN
I’m responsible and you’re not. I’m dependable and
you’re not. That may have been exciting at the
beginning, but now it’s just stressful.
PAUL
How long have you felt like this?
JOAN
For the last two or three days.
SARAH
It’s weird, I’ve hoped and prayed for this moment for
years, but something seems off.
BEN
No shit, bitch!
PAUL
Really? Is this what you really want?
JOAN
I’m pretty sure, unless something brings me back.
 57.

DOCTOR BOB barges in stage right.

DOCTOR BOB
Dude, you gotta let me stay here for a while.
JOAN
Just so you know, he isn’t anything near it.
DOCTOR BOB
I gotta stay here man!
PAUL
What? Why?
DOCTOR BOB
They raided my shop, my house too.
PAUL
Really?
DOCTOR BOB
They had enough receipts and forged prescriptions to
put me, you and all of my other customers away for
years!
PAUL
What!?!
DOCTOR BOB
They had them. I burned down the evidence room once I
made bail. I gotta lie low here.
PAUL
Okay, if you gotta.
Sirens and flashing colorful lights from off-stage
right. DOCTOR BOB panics.
DOCTOR BOB
Oh god, they found me already?
He pulls out a gun. He points it at the different
family members alternating every few seconds.
DOCTOR BOB
You, one of you called them!
JOAN
Yeah, but only for Sarah.
DOCTOR BOB
Why? What happened to her?
 58.

JOAN
She was... raped.
DOCTOR BOB
I don’t believe you.
JOAN
Look how beat up she is!
DOCTOR BOB
It’s makeup.
JOAN
No, really...
DOCTOR BOB
Shut up
(yelling to police)
Cops! I’ve got five hostages in here that’ll be coming
out in bags unless I get a plane and some strippers!
PAUL
Bob, calm down!
DOCTOR BOB
Don’t worry, I saw this on TV. Some court show. It’s
called ’calling their bluff’, or is that what they do
to me? Anyway, I saw it on TV.
PAUL
You need to calm down, man. You’re just having a
paranoid trip. It’s alright.
DOCTOR BOB
No, do you know what they do to arsonists and drug
dealers in prison?
PAUL
No, I don’t.
DOCTOR BOB
Damn, nobody does. I mean we’re above sex offenders,
but, y’know, we’re not exactly bank robbers!
BEN
(to self)
I got the asiatic flow mixed with disco. Roll up on the
scene like the Count of Monte Cristo!
DOCTOR BOB
Smitty?
 59.

BEN
What you want, god?
DOCTOR BOB
Get out of this kid’s head, already!
DOCTOR BOB hits BEN upside the head.
JOAN
What the hell are you doing?
She runs over to comfort BEN.
BEN
Ow! Where am I? Where’s Ol’ Dirty?
DOCTOR BOB
Saving you money on an exorcism, apparently.
JOAN
You’re home baby. That bastard is gone.
DOCTOR BOB
I’m tired, I think I’m gonna go home now.
PAUL
What about all those cops out there?
DOCTOR BOB
I’ve been running for so long, I guess it’s time they
finally caught me. It’s kinda like tag.
PAUL
Alright, well, my only advice is ’don’t drop the soap’.
DOCTOR BOB
I’ll tie it up to a rope or something. See y’all
around the bend.
PAUL
Good luck, man.
DOCTOR BOB exits stage right and surrenders to the
police. The flashing lights turn off.
GRANDPA
Well, these have been three quite shitty days in a row.
JOAN
At least we all learned something, right?
 60.

SARAH
Don’t even kid yourself, Mom. We’ll all be the same
people tomorrow morning.
The lights fall.
THE END.