1973 01

The Adventures of Deadman Playdead Magazine
Last-Aid Kit Suicide Letters to Santa
JAN.1973, THE HUMOR MAGAZINE 75 CENTS
V
•
You Don't
Buy This
Magazine,
Well Kill This
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
.
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"How could we have been so stupid1?" J a n i s was able to isolate and illustrate We'll never know. B u t there is reason
President J o h n F. Kennedy asked after 8 symptoms of Groupthink, such as Feel- to hope that the discoveries being made
he and a close group of advisers h a d ings of Invulnerability, Rationalization, by psychologists about h u m a n and ani-
blundered into the Bay of Pigs invasion. Assumptions of Inherent Morality, Ster- m a l behavior today can help prevent
B u t stupidity was not the answer. T h e e o t y p e d Views of t h e A d v e r s a r y , a n d " a n o t h e r V i e t n a m " . . . i f t h e y c a n be
men who participated in the Bay of Pigs Pressure to Conform. broadly disseminated in time.
decision comprised one of the greatest Successful Planning Also Studied What Is Psychology Today?
a r r a y s of intellectual talent in the his- As a counterpoint to this gloomy picture, P s y c h o l o g y T o d a y w a s b o r n to b r i n g
tory of American government. J a n i s also investigated two highly suc- ideas like these into the mainstream of
Yale University psychologist Irving L. cessful group enterprises, the formula- social thinking immediately, to bridge
J a n i s spent two years looking for the tion of the Marshall P l a n in the Truman the gap between the behavior lab and the
answer. H e studied not only the Bay of Administration and the handling of the living room.
Pigs but also Pearl Harbor, Vietnam, and Cuban missile crisis by President Ken- I t took Freud's ideas a generation to
other policy disasters. nedy a n d his advisers. trickle through the barrier of learned
I n each case, h e found the decision- From these observations, he has drawn books a n d journals to the consciousness
makers to be victims of certain clear laws 9 r e c o m m e n d a t i o n s for p r e v e n t i n g of the educated layman.
of what he calls Groupthink, a process Groupthink which can be used by any B u t Psychology Today brings you the
that results in the distortion of sound col- planning group, whether it's the Penta- deeply significant psychological theories
lective judgment. gon or your local P.T.A. and discoveries of today as soon as they
Symptoms of Groupthink W h a t if Janis's conclusions had been take shape. Not jazzed up or watered
"I was surprised to discover," he wrote in developed ten years earlier? And what if down for popular consumption. But not
a recent article in Psychology Today, "the there had already been a magazine clouded over with professional jargon
extent to which each group displayed the called Psychology Today to communicate either. J u s t straight and clear, in a way
typical phenomena of social conformity world-changing ideas like these to a wide that both professionals and an interested
that are regularly encountered in studies general audience of thoughtful readers? general public can enjoy and appreciate.
of g r o u p d y n a m i c s a m o n g o r d i n a r y Might it have prevented the tragic Amer- A n d v i s u a l l y e n h a n c e d w i t h colorful
citizens. ican military intervention in Vietnam? prize-winning graphics t h a t reinforce the
tingling feeling of high adventure. Some
other recent examples:
Could Psychology Today Criminals Can Be Brainwashed—Now

Characteristics of the Successful
Investor
The Masks We Wear—Hypocritical
have prevented or Healthy?

Teaching Chimpanzees to Read and
Write
The Screaming Cure—Does It Really
the Vietnam War?

Another example of the behavioral discoveries which are
Work?
Why Fat People Eat Even When
They're Not Hungry
How Accurate Are Trial Witnesses?
shaping the thinking of a new generation of thoughtful readers Shouldn't you be keeping up with Psy-
chology Today? It costs you nothing to
find out. J u s t mail the bound-in reply
card. We'll send you a copy to read free
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© C R M Publishing Company 1972
_
6^74""
psychology today
P.O. Box 2990,
Boulder, Colorado 80302
Please send me, without cost, obliga-
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'Sorry, pal, we don't serve necros!'
shit. Not that anyone would give a combined efforts of the entire editorial
.e the Editors of National Lam- good goddamn, save those persons staff have not resulted in a single
poon, being of sound and disposing who find perverse pleasure in seeing funny cover in four months. This
mind and memory and considering an actual Editorial start squirming month's superb cover idea was con-
the uncertainty of this life, do make, right before their eyes because it ceived by Ed Bluestone, and through
publish, and declare this to be our last didn't do its homework and is ad-lib- skillful art direction and minimal
bing its ass off until some curly-haired interference from asshole editors it
WLift and Testament as midget art-director who's hung like a became the tasteful entity you hold in
follows, hereby revoking all other for- gerbil starts explaining away all of your hands.
mer Wills by us at any time made. the fuck-ups he's been responsible for. There now! I hope my critics have
First, after our lawful debts are Take it away, somebody. been silenced, while you the reader sit
paid, we give the painful notion of Issue Note: The paper this particu- as my judge.—Michael Gross.
doing this month's Editorial as a Last lar issue is printed on was made from Plug: There are two new books by Ed-
Will and Testament to any television trees that died from the dreaded ward Gorey somewhere in your book-
program, magazine, desperate comedy Dutch Elm disease and it cannot be store, probably buried under Jokes I
writer, radio show, college skit, etc., recycled. Remove the staples after Tell To My Cat, The Bhagavad Gita
who feels anally aggressive enough to you've read it and bury it in your back According To Peanuts, and The Wit
find this sort of witless list-humor in yard . . . if you have a back yard. and Wisdom of Kurt Waldheim. They
keeping with his nonplussed taste. Cover: If you're a regular reader, you are both brilliant, like everything
There. The idea's even too cheap for must be asking yourself, "Why are Gorey does. The first is The Adwrey-
us to do. But, you may believe, not too NatLamp's covers so inconsistent?" Gore Legacy (Dodd, Mead, $3.95), a
cheap to insult and assign to some- Do you think the editors who insist, slight amplification of a piece that first
one else in the hope of praise for not month after month, that I am the appeared in the Crime issue of the
having done it in the first place. Or, cause of all our cover problems, can National Lampoon. The second is
if you wish, you may further be mis- possibly be right? I'll let you decide. Amphigorey (Simon & Schuster,
led by the notion that the items that $12.95), a collection of fifteen of his
First, let's examine the artist (me).
were to go into the Will were of such earlier works, most of them totally un-
I'm charming, six-feet tall (with the
weak quality as to make the whole obtainable in their original editions,
profile of a Viking), slim, blonde,
thing a bust and again we're attempt- including, among others, "The Insect
hung like a horse, not very witty (but
ing to escape gracefully by explana- God," "The Gashlycrumb Tinies,"
that's not my job), and would like to
tions and not examples. But were we "The Vinegar Works," and "The
correspond with singles and couples
to give examples, it would be the same Curious Sofa." •
interested in exchanging Polaroids
as doing it. And that we will not do.
(no gay guys, please).
Or I will not do, as you must know
by this time the editorial "we" is not Second, let's examine the problem.
four people sitting on a bench all This month's brilliant cover, photo-
punching keys together but one per- graphed by Ronald G. Harris, is a
son, me, who is thinking seriously at success primarily because of one ele-
this time of not initialing this load of ment—a joke. Give me a good joke to
work with and I'll give you an effec-
tive humor-magazine cover. The prob-
lem around here lately is that the
Editors: Henry Beard, Michael O'Donoghue, Tony Hendra, Brian McConnachie Design Director: Michael Gross
Senior Editors: Sean Kelly, George W. S. Trow, Douglas Kenney
Art Director: Ellen Taurins Art Director, Special Projects: David Kaestle
Copy Editor: Judy Gould Editorial Assistant: Louise Gikow Art Assistant: Celia Bau
Contributing Editors: Anne Beatts, Ed Bluestone, John Boni, Terry Catchpole, Christopher Cerf, Michel Choquette,
Dean A. Latimer, Chris Miller, P. J. O'Rourke, John Weidman
Contributing Artists: R. O. Blechman, Peter Bramley, Randall Enos, John Glashan, Edward Gorey, Dick Hess, Stan Mack,
Rick Meyerowitz, Joe Orlando, Arnold Roth, Warren Sattler, Frank Springer, Gahan Wilson
Production Manager: Roberta Kaman Associate Editor (Gt. Brit.): J. Dudley Fishburn
Staff Assistant: Michael Simmons Subscription Manager: Howard Jurofsky
Publisher: Gerald L. Taylor
The National Lampoon, Inc. is a subsidiary of Twenty First Century Communications, Inc.
Chairman: Matty Simmons President: Leonard Mogel Vice-President: George Agoglia
Vice-President, Sales: Gerald L. Taylor
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6 NATIONAL LAMPOON

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address to save you the trouble of been wondering if your readers would
withholding it and then coming up like to know what it's like here. What
with it anyway. we eat, what we read, what type of
Eleanor Roosevelt plays and music we enjoy, etc., etc.
Asbury Park As an example, currently, songs about
black holes in the universe are very
Sirs: popular. But, as you may have
Cuckoo, jug-jug, pu-we, to-witta- guessed, we don't have to actually sing
woo! Pass it on. them out loud. Things like that. I've
The Moth People been looking for pen pals in the third
Brentwood, 111. dimension for some time now and
Sirs: hope that your readers in the third
Who am I? I have seen the barren dimension will exchange informa-
Sirs: lands plowed green. I have witnessed tion with me and my friends. If any
You think you people are pretty verisimilitude in action. My conscious of your readers are interested in writ-
sick. That's nothing. You should have time spans the Imo and the Sumo. I ing to me, please address all corres-
seen how sick I was Sunday morning. enjoy speaking on the telephone and pondence to me in care of Norman
After I was done, the place looked am able to go to the bathroom stand- Mailer, 142 Ponce de Leon Heights,
like Boy's Town had a lasagna fight. ing up. I'll give you a hint: small, Brooklyn, N Y . He's sort of our tes-
All over the place. Matted in the cur- bristly, dark hairs grow on my face seract.
tains, towels, blankets, and my ties — when I sleep, and I wouldn't eat sea-
they're stuck together. It's disgusting. Johnny Tomorrow
weed if it was the last vegetable on
And I'm not cleaning it up. Why then, earth! If you can guess who I am, I'll Sirs:
you well ask, am I telling you this? let you unload 50,000 Mona Gorilla You think I'm bored, how do you
It's a true fact. You print "True T-shirts on me. feel I think? Nuts. Cancel my sub-
Facts," don't you? You can c6me over I'm obviously not putting my name scription. And leave two quarts of
next Saturday to check it out. to this. cream.
Nevil Blanklahore Rome (but I've left there) The Seven Santini Bros.
Albany, Ga. (Iny, Beeny, Weeny, Feeny,
Sirs: Deeny, Jeanie, and Teeny)
Sirs: My name is Johnny Tomorrow, and Cincinninny, Ohinny
Do you know what I use instead of I live in the fourth dimension and
underwear? Old, faded, torn uphol- hold the rank of captain. Actually, Sirs: .
stery covers. Yes, I do. Surprised? I that doesn't mean anything, all of us I'm going fast, and there's not much
thought you'd be. I get that reaction here hold one sort of a rank or an- more time. Pay attention . . . the name
a lot. I'm withholding my name and other. The reason I'm writing is: I've of my murderer is . . . the name of my
continued
C*«.'t %«? A1UU

Every n e w r o c k g r o u p t h a t can play " L o u i e , L o u i e " all t h e
w a y to t h e e n d is p r o c l a i m e d by its record c o m p a n y t o b e
" D y n a m i t e , " " K i l l e r " . . . " n o t since t h e B e a t l e s , " etc. Steely
D a n has a n e w a l b u m o u t o n A B C / D u n h i l l . T h e y t h i n k
it's very g o o d , t h e c o m p a n y t h i n k s it's very g o o d , a n d so far,
a lot of r a d i o stations h a v e a g r e e d b y p l a y i n g cuts f r o m t h e
a l b u m . Steely D a n is six g u y s f r o m N e w York t r a n s p l a n t e d ,
physically at least, to Los A n g e l e s . T h e y d o n ' t dress t r e n d y ,
they a r e n ' t p a r t i c u l a r l y p r e t t y , they just play a n d w r i t e fine
music. T h e y are c u r r e n t l y o n a concert t o u r , catch t h e m if
you can a n d m a k e u p y o u r o w n m i n d . A lot of s u p e r l a t i v e s
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10 NATIONAL LAMPOON
A Gourmet Guide
to Love Making
for men and women
who are familiar
with the basics—
and want to go on
from there
You've read sex manuals before. in encyclopedia form that con-

But there's never been one like tains sane and beguiling advice
this. about love making in all its as-
THE JOY OF SEX is Different pects. The a u t h o r s w r i t e very
with a Capital D. w e l l , w i t h relaxed h u m o r and
It's a book that is based on the with awareness of the profound
premise that love making should relationship that sex is lor."
be joyous, inventive, and carefree. —New York Magazine
It's a book that maintains that "Dr. Alex Comfort is one of the
sex at its best is essentially play, brightest writers and scholars in
not work. The special illustrated version "THE JOY OF SEX is the most the sexual field in the w o r l d
It's a b o o k t h a t deals f u l l y , of THE JOY OF SEX is the only intriguing and useful advice on today, and I want to give strong
frankly,sympathetically,and n o n - love making manual that is as psychophysical love I have read. encouragementand endorsement
clinically with aspects ol sex that beautiful as it is instructive. It con- The authors produced what others to the publication and circulation
other books circumvent or com- tains 120 unique illustrations. 33 were t o o uptight or too innocent of his materials. It seems fair to
pletely ignore. in full color, depicting the act of to give u s . . . Has made the other predict that THE JOY OF SEX with
It's a book that proves that the love in all its tenderness, passion, manuals—all of them—grotesque outstanding text and illustration
whole joy of sex-with-love is that and sensuality. curios . . . Bound for bestseller- is destined to become one of the
there are no rules, as long as there "THE JOY OF SEX is the Kama dom." most useful and popular marriage
is mutual pleasure—and that your Sutra brought up to date . . . At —Patrick McGrady, author of The manuals ever published."
choices are practically unlimited. last a love making manual that Youth Doctors a n d The Love - W i l l i a m E. Hartman, Ph.D., D i -
Among the many obscure, po- does not regard making love a Doctors r e c t o r , Center for M a r i t a l a n d
tentially fulfilling areas of sex- euphemism . . . W i s d o m , tender- " T h e r e are many competing Sexual Studies, Long Beach, Cali-
ality that are revealed in THE JOY ness, affection are used to pro- current books on sexology written fornia
OF SEX: vide a modern setting for love for the general public, but THE "For those who favor—and en-
• the use of enticing adornment, making much beyond the tradi- JOY OF SEX, in its wit, urbanity joy—the explicit depiction of hu-
gadgets and gimmicks tional marriage manual... Written and wisdom, is in a class of its man sexual intimacy, Dr.. Com-
• the effective employment of all too with a sense of humor which own. For many, I am certain it will fort's THE JOY OF SEX, with its
the senses will appeal to anyone at all open reduce much of the shame and lively text and its exceptionally
• the d i s c o v e r y of l i t t l e - k n o w n to sexuality as an adventure. The anxiety which, unfortunately, fine illustrations, is the best, most
erogenous zones illustrations are the most beauti- often accompanies human sexual h a n d s o m e t h i n g a v a i l a b l e in
• the enhancement of the quality print."—Vance Packard
ful portrayal of sex that I have behavior. . . Thoroughly delight-
and intensity of climaxes
ever seen—at the same time both f u l . " - I r v i n e D. Yalon, M.D., Stan-
• the enjoyment of unusual and Ten-day examination
absolutely frank and yet personal, ford University.
exciting practices and games
honest and tender." "THE JOY OF SEX is an unusual Examine THE JOY OF SEX now at
• theexcitement.of variety—time,
— Dr. Lester K i r k e n d a l l , c o - and outstanding sex manual that your bookstore—or mail the cou-
place, position, performance
THE JOY OF SEX is the first founder and director of Siecus has been edited and written by a pon below for your copy. (For
(Sex Information and Education real professional. It is far bet'fer sale to adults over21 only.) Please
really happy and contemporary
love making manual—a unique Council of the United States) and saner than any of the 'sen- enclose check or money o r d e r -
book that w i l l liberate you from "A sex guide deluxe, serious yet suousness' books of recent vin- s'^.95 for the illustrated edition,
anxieties and i n h i b i t i o n s , and never ponderous, slyly humorous tage and, in addition, it is su- $7.95 for the regular edition (New
guide you to the full enjoyment and completely human and civil- perbly and tastefully illustrated. York and New Jersey residents
of sex. ized—one that understands body, I heartily recommend it." please add applicable sales tax).
skin and psyche as a single har- —Albert Ellis, Executive Director, Return book for refund within 10
moniously responsive erogenous Institute for Advanced Study in days if not completely satisfied.
zone worth cultivating without Rational Psychotherapy
a p o l o g y , excuse or r a t i o n a l e . " "May be the best thing of its
—Publishers Weekly kind ever published . . . A manual
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CROWN PUBLISHERS, Dept. NL173
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Please send me THE JOY OF SEX as checked below,
for which I enclose payment as indicated (New York
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WHOLE MIRTK DltmilOIiATA
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There is one of these National
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FORT THERE MAY BE IN O W N I N G A
piece thereof. Avoid quiet 6 passive persons unless you arc in
needofslecp. Rotate your tires. *- Spcakglowinglyoflhose
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thcybeturkeysiknowwhattokissandwhen. <* Consider
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Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted that
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whole outmoded learning systems
walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get
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and why we should be taught useful
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things in school, like how to play
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6064311: ask for Ken. Take heart amid thedecpeninggloom
that your dog is finally gellingcnoughcheese;and reflect lhat [Suggested by Kurt Waldheim.
whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse
in Milwaukee. f» Youareaflukeof the universe; you have Reviewed by Rainer Barzel]
no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not, the
universe is laughing behind your back. '> Therefore make National Lampoon Posters
peace with your Cod whatever you conceive Him to be: Hairy
Thunderer or Cosm,e Muffin.' & Withalliishopcs.drcams.
Deteriorata (from Radio Dinner, the
promises. 6 urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. ?•* National Lampoon comedy album)
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tation shirt made from fibers of the
sacred cotton plant which grows in
the Indus River basin. Durable and
colorful, they each have a picture of
Sri Gorilla printed on them by kindly
old machines, which aids in con-
templation on the uselessness of
material things, like the mere $3.95
that each T-shirt costs.
[Suggested by Judy Gould.
Reviewed by Louise Gikow]
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CATALOGUE National Lampoon Binders
access to yocks
This simple, utilitarian tool is

based on the Chaballa, or "thing,"
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keep Bachallas, or "things," in.
Originally made from the bowels
of an elk, this authentic modern
reproduction of the traditional
Indian artifact—it clearly predates
our glove compartment—pre-
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or 1972, which is a good idea,
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National Lampoon JJM support a magazine that only uses
One look at this book and I knew ^ . j
it had to go right into my library
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Tibetan Cheese Worship, and
4& ^ paper made from trees that willed
their trunks to pulp mills and
inks that do not contain ground-
up seal molars or leopard-spot
Vegetonics: Ten Simple Exercises dye.
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I haven't had my mind blown so Reviewed by Judy Gould]
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The Best of National Lampoon, No. 1
There isn't anything you can't do National Lampoon Dept. NL173
with this book. I've used my copy to 635 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10022
prime my potato-chip kiln, as a (BR1020) $2 each
fulcrum for my dome-bilge shadoof, (A1015) $2 each
as a cheap lunar-power receptor, (B1014) $3.85 each, $7.10 for two, $9.90 for three
as a substitute for naval jelly in my (B1012) $10.95 each
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[Suggested by Brian McConnachie. sales taxes)
Reviewed by Henry Beard] Name '
(please print)
The Best of National Lampoon, No. 1 Address
(A1015) 1972; 160 pp. $2.
City. .State. .Zip,
(please be sure that your zip code is correct)

| murderer is . . . the big oak tree at the
Glenview Fork.
Ken Hobbs
P.S. That isn't right. The big oak tree

at the Glenview Fork is where the
stuff is buried and is obviously not the
name of my murderer. The name of
my murderer is . . . name is. . . . I'm
just about to d i e . . . . Name is . . . (I'm
going to be dead in a second. Isn't this
exciting? You're really on the edge of
your seat and I'm dying and I'm just
about to give you the name of my kill-
er. I think it's really exciting. I've
pictured this sort of thing happening
but never to me. Wow) name is . . .
water, W A T E R . . . I N E E D WATER!
There is music on your records GGGGggggggaaaaaagg umph
you have probably never teard Sirs:

You published a letter last month
written by a Clifford Sitts of Rego
Park, Long Island, who, for no reason-
The average listener spends more as it was from the stage. With the able provocation, called my Novem-
than twice as much on records full stereo experience everywhere
as he does on his entire music in the room, not just in the middle. ber 5 letter "irresponsible." By way of
system. And then never gets to The way to learn this is to listen. review, all I stated was that I pre-
hear many of the sounds on his Listen to a record through a ferred fabric radials to steel radials.
records. conventional system. Listen to a I hardly find that "irresponsible."
In most systems, the speakers cymbal. Or a complex vocal Some people prefer peaches to plums.
limit the sounds to be heard. What harmony. A drum solo. An organ. Does that make them irresponsible?
goes in just doesn't all come out. How real does it sound? Does it Hardly. I must wonder, though, if Mr.
This is because conventional evoke the emotion of the live Sitts is aware that chemical com-
speakers are simply not designed performance?
to convey some of the sounds that panies such as Du Pont really do make
Now listen to the record through better things for better living through
are vital in capturing the sense of a BOSE DIRECT/REFLECTING®
the real musical experience. speaker system. Bring your most chemistry. Wake up to the twentieth
BOSE speakers are designed to demanding records to your BOSE century, Mr. Sitts. We no longer
bring the sound to your ears in the dealer. Ask him to play them clunk around in armor to protect our-
same way it arrives during the through BOSE speakers. You will selves. Strong, durable fabrics are
actual performance. Projected hear music you have probably here to stay. That sort of barbarism
from the entire wall of your room never heard before. where everything was made out of
steel is, thank goodness, well in our
Covered by patent rights, issued and pending. past. Let's leave it there and enjoy
For copies of reviews and other literature,
write Bose Corp., Dept. L, Framingham, Ma. 01701 progress. Even the warship Old Iron-
sides was not made out of steel — it
was made out of modern wood.
Wake up.
Thomas McCormack
Bethesda, Maryland
Sirs:
Hey! We're over herel
Hale Boggs
Here, Alaska
Sirs:
I realize that National Lampoon is
basically a "humor" magazine, or at
least is so intended. Moreover, I'm
quite aware that humor is a fairly
subjective phenomenon. I don't wish
to suggest, therefore, that there are
(or should be) guidelines as to what
is or is not "funny." What you con-
sider to be humorous I may not—and
vice versa. That is your right. How-
ever, the so-called letter regarding the
SGR that appeared in the November
issue is quite another matter.
(Editor's Note: For those readers who
may have missed the letter referred
continued
NATIONAL LAMPOON

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continued
to, the initials SGR are for "Stiff- lating her clitoris (manually). This is
Gook Rimmers," a group of Vietnam not as unusual as it might first ap-
ORPHIC EGG veterans who allegedly engage in the
practice of anilingus with the enemy
pear. There are many cases, both in
my own files and in the experience of
dead, and do so in a manner of "der- my colleagues, where ejaculation is
(A new concept). vish-like abandon.") achieved exclusively through rim-
ming—in either the active or passive
London Records introduces This "letter"—if indeed it is a letter role. All well and good. The nature of
a new label with the release of and not merely the eruption of a piti- the cases, however, which you have
eight exceptional new LPs. fully sick mind—should not have been so cynically seen fit to publicize, is of
Orphic Egg...It's heavy music printed. Its release is, in my opinion, a different order, a different order in
. . . It's light music . . . It's big one of the most despicable episodes two fundamental regards: (1) necro-
music...It's little music...It's in the history of American publishing; philia is involved (consorting with the
spiritual... It's funky. And it's dead, an illegal act in itself) and (2)
for everyone. Orphic Egg will it's not simply a question of violating
crack your head! Find out common taste and decency but may the quasi-love object, i.e., "Cong-rim"
about it. well be in violation of criminal stat- is that of an enemy. These two factors
utes . . . a possibility which, I assure in confluence must be regarded as
you, is being investigated at this very constituting a fairly rare aberration.
moment. I trust you understand my I use the word "aberration" with cer-
displeasure does not arise from any tain misgiving; in clinical psychiatry
sort of simplistic moral view but from we have come to take a rather broad
a strictly clinical one: I am a psychia- view of what is the "norm" and what
mflHBR'5H3RD trist; and during twenty-eight years may properly be considered a devia-
of experience, in both therapy and tion from it. My personal experience,
analysis, I have treated many so- however, with a number of SGR cases
called rimmers. Perhaps if you under- (both clinically and socially) leads
stood a little more about the matter, me to believe that such persons are
you would be less inclined to treat deeply disturbed. Consider the case
these complex cases so lightly. The of Lt. Col. E. Thornton (not his ac-
basic syndrome of the rimmer, in tual name) of First Corps Military
heterosexual relationships, is quite Intelligence: a brilliant and sensitive
straightforward and represents noth- man in most respects, with three years
ing more, nor less, than another mani- in the Nam and nine citations, his
festation of intimacy, i.e., of conven- avidity for Cong-rim was so extreme
tional love and/or affection. By exten- that he insisted on wearing them like
sion (inverse), the same may be said jewelry and forced the men of his
of the practice ("rimming") in homo- command to weave them together in
sexual relationships, as indeed in bi- profusion to form huge garlands and
sexual or group-sexual liaisons. One necklaces. It was their very abun-
of my former patients, an attractive dance (and consequent stench) that
woman of thirty-seven with a "typi- brought the practice to the attention
cal" middle-American background, of division HQ. In another case, that
could achieve deep, vaginal orgasm of Maj. Gen. S. Greene (again not the
only through rimming, i.e., being actual name) of Twenty-seventh Bri-
rimmed and simultaneously manipu- gade, the subject suffered from an un-
continued
The Joys of Motherhood
A Product Of London Records
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continued
relieved compulsion to use Cong-rim
as an infant's pacifier and, indeed,
could not sleep without one or more
of "my little doughnuts," as he
NOVEMBER, 1970/NOSTALGIA: With The 1956 High School Yearbook; The Dink Patrol; The Sears, called them, in his mouth throughout
Roebuck Sex Catalogue; 1936: A Space Odyssey; Monster Memories; and the Special 1950s Section. the night. So unrelenting was the
DECEMBER, 1970/CHRISTMAS: Gahan Wilson's Christmas Beware!, Write Your Own Agnew Speech, habit that he was known to the men of
The Myth of the Mafia, Santology, I Remember Jesus, Sob Story, and Underachiever Jokes.
his command as "Baby Cong-Suck,"
MARCH, 1971/CULTURE: With Michael O'Donoghue's How to Write Good, da Vinci's Undiscovered
Notebook, Captain Bringdown, The Dolts, and Gracie Slick's etiquelte handbook.
a familiarity that led to instances of
APRIL, 1971/ADVENTURE: With Derby Dames on Parade, Tarzan of the Cows, Real Balls magazine, insubordination and, in consequence,
The Philosopher Detective, Spoilers, Mexico on 5 Toilets a Day, and the Corn Flakes parody. over thirty summary courts-martial.
MAY, 1971/FUTURE: With The NASA Sutra: A Zero Gravity Sex Manual; Toilets of the Extrater- A final word as to the patent spuri-
restrials; Printout, the computer magazine; and The 1906 National Lampoon. ousness of your so-called letter. It im-
JUNE, 1971/RELIGION: With The Polaroid Print of Dorian Gray, Big Blessings Bulletin, Gahan
plies that SGR membership is limited
Wilson's Holyland, O.D. Heaven, Magic Made E-Z, and a parody of The Prophet.
JULY, 1971/PORNOGRAPHY: With The Breast Game, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About
to persons who have served in Viet-
Sex (Aren't You Sorry You Asked?), Are You a Homo?, and Nancy Reagan's dating guide. nam. This is not strictly true. It is a
AUGUST, 1971/BUMMER ISSUE: With Defeat Comics; the Canadian Supplement; Would You Buy fact, for example, that at least two of
a Used War from This Man?; As the Monk Burns; Welfare Monopoly; and the CIA newsletter. the two most highly placed officials
SEPTEMBER, 1971/KIDS: With Eloise at the Hotel Dixee, The Hardy Boys, Children's Letters to the of the present administration are
Gestapo, The Toilet Papers, Death Is and How to Cook Your Daughter, and My Weekly Reader. among those with the deepest involve-
OCTOBER, 1971/BACK TO SCHOOL: With the Mad parody, Rodrigues' Hire the Handicapped, ment in the practice of Cong-rimming.
Magical Misery Tour, The Campus War Game, School of Hard Sell, and 125th Street.
Indeed, one of them (who shall, of
NOVEMBER, 1971/HORROR: With Dragula, The Phantom of the Rock Opera, Sick Jokes of the course, in professional confidence, re-
'70s, Gahan Wilson's Science Fiction Movie Computer, and The Incredible Shrinking Magazine. main nameless) has been a patient of
DECEMBER, 1971/CHRISTMAS: With Jessica Christ, Blind-Date Comics, This Is Your Lite . . . mine for the past three years; and he
Francis Gary Powers, The Russian Gift Catalogue, and Editorial Fantasies.
acquired the habit prior to visiting the
JANUARY, 1972/IS NOTHING SACRED? With Son-o'-God Comics; The Vietnamese Baby Book; Nam and to this day has never tasted
and The Last Really, No Shit, Really, The Last Supplement to the Whole Earth Catalog.
Cong-rim in the field. The truth of the
FEBRUARY, 1972/CRIME! With Groin Larceny; Ralph Nader, Public Eye; Angela and Rocky Take
You on a Tour of the Big House; Dick Tracy on the take, and an Edward Gorey whodunnit. matter is that his initial exposure oc-
MARCH, 1972/ESCAPE! With Hitler in Paradise, the California Supplement, celebrity suicide notes, curred when he stumbled over a dip-
the Papillon parody, Swan Song of the Open Road, and doing it with dolphins. lomatic pouch in the VIP annex of the
APRIL, 1972/25TH ANNIVERSARY: With the '58 Bulgemobiles, The Playboy Fallout Shelter, Commie White House mail room, which was,
Plot Comics, Frontline Dentists, Third Base, the Dating Newspaper, and Amos ' n ' Andy. in his words, "choc-a-bloc full of fat
MAY, 1972/MEN! With How to Score with Chicks, The Men's Pages, Germaine Spillaine, Stacked rim-pacs!" It is worth noting, how-
Like Me, Norman the Barbarian, and The Zircon As Big As the Taft. ever, that he had already exhibited
JUNE, 1972/SCIENCE FICTION: With UFO, The Flying Saucer Magazine; a Theodore Sturgeon sci-fi proclivities of a decided anal nature
story; Sextraterrestrials; The Last TV Show; Dodosaurs; and Gahan Wilson's Kllk.
and, in fact, had come to the mail
JULY, 1972/SURPRISE! With Third World Comics, the Refugee Pages, the Little Black Book of room on this very occasion in pursuit
Chairman Mao, How to Be a He-Man, Sermonette, and Col. Jingo's Book of Big Ships.
of what he termed "another dirt-road
AUGUST, 1972/THE MIRACLE OF DEMOCRACY: With True Politics magazine, The Coronation of
King Dick, Gahan Wilson's Miracle of Seniority, and Tales of the South comics.
affair" with one of the young black
SEPTEMBER, 1972/BOREDOM: With The Wide World of Meat, Our White Heritage, Bland Hotel,
mail-boys. In any event, his conver-
the / Chink, National Geographic parody, and the President's Brother comic. sion was immediate and total. So
OCTOBER, 1972/REMEMBER THOSE FABULOUS SIXTIES? With Bob Dylan and Joan Baez in overwhelming was his obsession with
Zimmerman comics, Tom Wolfe in Watts, and a long-suppressed Rolling Stones album. "rim o' the Nam" that he actually
NOVEMBER, 1972/DECADENCE: With Sgt. Shriver's Bleeding Hearts Club Band, Defeat Day, the tried to become it, as he continues to
Meat Chess Set, the Fetish Supplement, and Adlai Stevenson in Remnants-of-Dignity Comics. do to this day by donning snug-fitting
DECEMBER, 1972/EASTER: With Son-o'-God comics # 2 , Chris Miller's Gift of the Magi, Great jump suits made wholly of Cong-rim,
Moments in Chess, Diplomatic Etiquette, and the Special Irish Supplement. meticulously stitched together by his
To order these back issues, just check otf the ones you want in the coupon below. Return the senior staffers. Then, after cavorting
coupon to us with $1 in bill, check, or money order for each copy you'd like.
in an eccentric and dervish-like man-
ner while his rim jump suit (due to
THE NATIONAL LAMPOON, Dept. NL173, 635 Madison Ave., N.Y.C. 10022 the disintegrating nature of decom-
Send me the following: posed flesh) gradually begins to fall
No. of copies Issue No. of copies Issue apart, he will turn on himself (like a
NOVEMBER, 1970 JANUARY, 1972 wounded scorpion) in a grotesquely
DECEMBER, 1970 FEBRUARY, 1972 frenetic attempt to devour the rim-
MARCH, 1971 MARCH, 1972 pac suit entirely, while shrieking, "I'm
APRIL, 1971 APRIL, 1972
MAY, 1971 MAY, 1972 a rotten gook asshole] I'm a rotten
JUNE, 1971 JUNE, 1972 gook assholel" In fact, it is with such
JULY, 1971 JULY, 1972 outlandish frenzy that he pursues this
AUGUST, 1971 AUGUST, 1972 end that he has acquired the nick-
SEPTEMBER, 1971 SEPTEMBER, 1972
OCTOBER, 1971 OCTOBER, 1972 name among the more impressionable
NOVEMBER, 1971 NOVEMBER, 1972 SGRs of "The crazy Greek gook ass-
DECEMBER, 1971 DECEMBER, 1972 hole."
I enclose a total of $_ at $1 for each copy requested. This amount
covers purchase plus shipping and handling.
I hope this will help to clarify cer-
tain misapprehensions you have re-
My name garding the phenomenon of Stiff-
Gook Rimming and to indicate to
Address. some extent how odd and erroneous
City _State_ _Zip_ you were in your original account.
Thomas A. Harley, M.D.
THE NEWALBUM
UWTED ARTISTS F B X f l D S
United Artists Records and Tapes

that, and that if we touched it some-
thing awful would happen to Henry
Cabot Lodge's echo and a whole chain
of food stores would go bankrupt. I
told Spiggy to stick a finger in her
mouth so she wouldn't swallow her
tongue the way she did when she got
heat exhaustion last year, the time
that she came in and said she'd had
too much sunshine and then began
telling me that the lovely china pan-
ther we have on top of the television
Happy New Year, Diary! check David for prostrate cancer and set was married to the Barcalounger.
And a good thing it is too because, David began to cry and I had to drive So finally we gave in and got an
golly, what a Christmas at our house!! him home. Then it was the tree! That aluminum one with all pink bulbs,
Everything got what Kim calls "fruit nice Walt Hickel invited us to come which I must admit was very pretty.
cupped," not that she was a bit of help out to the country where he and Mr. Ling—our handyman who fixed
herself. First it was that silly boy- Pete McCloskey are staying with the up Hank Kissinger with that French
friend who keeps playing tricks on Ripon Society people. Spiggy says woman named Martha Harry, who's
her. Every time he comes over to the it's a funny farm, and it certainly did old enough to be Hank's mother—
house he's dressed as somebody dif- seem strange to me because lots and thought our Christmas tree was the
ferent, but Kim says she always knows lots of people were living there and most beautiful thing he'd ever seen
it's her John. He wants her to go into they didn't seem to be growing any- and got real excited. "Whele do they
animal training or learn French, but thing. But there was chicken wire all glow??!! Whele do they glow??!!" he
Kim says she wants to be a gym teach- over the windows, so I said maybe it kept asking. I told him that if you
er and that's why she got that after- was a poultry farm and sure enough shine a light on them they glow all
school job in the massage parlor, Pat told me later that was where they over, and the next day when he came
though I can remember when she keep the chicken hawks. We were go- to help me decorate the inside of
wanted to be a nurse and even had a ing to pick out a Christmas tree and Spiggy's safe-deposit box for the holi-
little black bag with hypodermic chop it down while we were there, day season and bring, some truth
needles and everything until David just the way the Pilgrims did. That syrup for the Neapolitan ices, I caught
Eisenhower found it one day when he was when Kim threw a fit. She really him in the utility room holding three
and Spiggy had to stay indoors be- went Premium Saltines! She kept in- Tensor lamps over a roll of heavy-duty
cause it was raining and they decided sisting that this scotch pine was a quilted Reynolds Wrap.
to play doctor and Spiggy wanted to Hammond organ, or something like But I could have put up with all
that easy (I didn't win the 1935 Jun-
ior Miss Glen Burnie Future House-
wives Second Prize in Family Health
and Hygiene for nothing!) if at the
last minute Pat hadn't called on the
phone and said that the entire First
Family was going to come to Christ-
mas dinner at our house because last
They Laughed When I Sat Down night Dick had a dream all about Ike
rattling around in chains and the
At The Typewriter ghosts of Christmas presents and
some of the craziest stuff I've heard
But When It Started To Pay!- since Richie Kleindienst played that
gag record of his about phone calls to
Norman had just finished reading his astronaut book. "It seems just a short while ago that I saw an ad
The room rang with applause. I decided that this in a pointlessly vulgar humour magazine . . . " the Democratic headquarters, so Dick
would he the perfect time for my debut. To my
friends' shock and surprise, I strode confidently to
"You must mean The National Lampoon," someone
interrupted.
and her and Tricia and Ed and David
the typewriter.
"This ad told of a magazine called Writer's Digest. and Julie and Mamie were just piling
"Erich is up to his old tricks again," somebody
chuckled and the crowd laughed.
How it's filled with writing instruction and market into the car that very minute; and that
information for freelance writers like me who want to
"Can he really write?", I heard a girl ask Norman. make it big. It lists paying markets like magazines, Dick had really changed and was go-
"Heavens no," exclaimed .Norman. "He's never writ- book and play publishers. What the editors are look-
ten a best seller in his whole life." ing for. Where to find them. How much they pay.
ing to give me a terrific goose, which
With mock dignity, i drew out a silk handkerchief And enough freelance tips to help even a first-time is certainly no change but good of
and lightly dusted off the keys. writer like myself,
"I sent away for a subscription and studied it care-
her to tell me, since forewarned is fore-
"What do you think of his execution?", called a
voice from the rear. fully each and every month. -Nothing stopped me arm and elbow; and that Dick even
from writing history's classic after that. My book,
"We're in favor of it," called another and the crowd
really captures the spirit of American life. I hoped to help poor Randy out, maybe
roared.
Then I Started To Write.
mean it really touches people where they get him a job as White House window
live, you know what I mean? You see,
Thirty seconds later, my novel was completed. I one of the things that's made it fame dresser!
stood up. "What can you say about a 22 year old "7,tJ
girl who died?", I began to read. As I continued, 1 Kim said I looked like I was going
could hear gasps of amazement as my friends sat
breathlessly spellbound. W ril-av'c HiffAct 2 2 E a s t mh Stveet
r l i e r S L M g C M c i n c i n n a t i , Ohio 45210 to sneak out, and I think I would have
When I reached the end, the room was strangely J Gentlemen: had to if Hank's girl friend Miss
silent; then burst into sudden applause. How my | I want to be somewhat like Erich. Please send
friends carried on! Wildly congratulating me, pound- i me a year's subscription (12 issues) to Writer's
Harry hadn't come by in her wheel-
ing me on the back! chair and brought a huge transistor-
I Digest. Enclosed please find $4.00.
Suddenly, the ceiling opened and wads of money
poured forth from heaven. Talk of first serial rights
i
ized tuna-casserole, which was the
! Name
and film rights swam around my brain as hard and
soft cover negotiations began.
cleverest thing I've ever seen, because
My friends started plying me with questions, "Erich,
Address any time you said anything at the
where on earth did you learn how to write like that?"
It was then I told the whole story. i City State Zip table it would get up on little legs,
walk over, and tilt up towards you.
continued
C-2000SD
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Reel-to-Reel / Cartridge / Cassette Re-
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AKAI America, Ltd./P.O. Box 55055, Los Angeles, California 90055

continued
I think Miss Harry is sweet even if she he likes for some reason, and we all
BALTIMORE is a Sinister Citizen, though I don't went out on the patio to see the new
know if she and Hank are getting go-cart that Tricia and Ed went to-
along so well these days. Last time he gether with Julie (even David saved
was over he started telling me how five dollars from his paper-route mon-
she could really gum up the works. ey) to get Spiggy, but Randy jumped
TEREO Then he asked me if I wore dentures.

(???!)
Well, when the First Family got
in it before Spiggy had a chance and
started screaming in that funny voice
he has sometimes like "Our Miss
here I could tell that Dick had been Brooks" about drag racing—which he
having bad dreams, all right. He seemed to think was very funny—and
looked as pale as toast. Especially hot cam-shafts and up the chocolate
when he was trying to say grace and speedway and I-don't-know-what-all
all he could remember was the Ele- until he finally pushed the little start-
mentary Schoolteachers and Federal er button and the whole thing blew up
HOLE- Student Loan Recipients' Loyalty

Pledge and the tuna casserole got up
and trotted over to his place at the
like when Dick gave George Romney
that trick cigar and George had to
have his brain washed and it ruined
ALERS table and all its macaroni started to

click. But I was so happy to think that
Dick and Spiggy had gotten over the
little tiff they were having ("back be-
Randy's brand-new yellow beach-
comber pants and halter-top that his
friend Mr. Doris at Capitol Hairdo
and Dry Cleaning gave him. Spiggy
fore convention time, when it got to started talking about going to the
the point that Dick almost considered Mattresses, which I think are near the
i
hiring John Connally for Spiggy's Bahamas, and then he insisted that
Now, from the comfort of your home we had to go for a walk and have "one
you can buy almost any Stereo Com- job if John could just get over scream-
ponent at Special Discount Prices, ing "Jackie, Jackie, not behind meV." of the boys follow to be safe." And I
from one of the East Coast's Lead- every time he rode in a convertible), told him that Randy was in no con-
ing Wholesalers...Your order until Spiggy finally gave in and in- dition to drive, so he made me go
shipped promptly in factory-sealed
cartons. Write for quote today. vited Jerry Rubin home for Scrabble downstairs and get poor old Mr. Pu-
and let Jerry get away with "ZZZ," walski, our building janitor who can
7126 AMBASSADOR RD., Bldg. S-4 hardly see, to follow us around in the
SECURITY INDUSTRIAL PARK
"BAMBI," and " A M E R I K K K A " if
Jerry would tell Time magazine that Oldsmobile, although he right away
BALTIMORE, MD. 21207
1-301-265-8617 next to Mikhail Aleksandrovich Ba- ran into a bus and Spiggy kept say-
kunin and the Rosenbergs, Richard ing, "Say, governors and congressmen
Nixon was the man he admired most don't kill people," and I'd say, "Boy,
Protect , in the whole world. And sure enough,

as soon as dinner was over those two
they sure don't!" and Spiggy would
get all worked up and say "Say, gov-
your loved were back kidding around like old

times. First Dick gave Spiggy a
ernors and congressmen don't kill
people]" and I'd agree with him again
' ones Christmas present—two enormous

sea bass wrapped in former General
Lavelle's flight jacket. Spiggy says
and so on and snow fort until I finally
got him to go home. Honestly, Diary,
sometimes I don't know what gets into
(and you)... that was an old silly-onion message
meaning "He ranks with the Waves."
men. And to top it all off, Spiggy
spent the whole week after Christmas
.. .from the surprise of Then Spiggy excused himself from pacing up and down in the "library"
unwanted conception the table and went to do his business, (isn't that silly . . . all that's in there
and the scourge of though I wasn't noticing and went to are World Books A, B, and I J and
Naturalamb V.D.with Trojans brand three old copies of McCall's) with
prophylactics. They're do my own business and walked right
safe, sensitive and of in on him; but Spiggy wasn't doing his Q-Tips in between his teeth mum-
course have no after business at all, instead he was groping bling "Kharman Ghia," "Venice,"
effects. For a Special around behind the toilet tank. I didn't and "noodle."
Trojans Product Sam- think a thing of it until Spiggy came
pler including 3 TRO- I guess it was all worth it though
out sort of nervous looking with his because we got a lovely note from the
JANS, 3 GUARDIAN madras sports coat folded over his
and 3 NATURALAMB, Nixons inviting us to come to dinner
send coupon below arm, walked up to Dick, said, "Take with them at Umberto's Clam House
with $3.00 check or this\\\", squeezed the box of d-Con in New York.
money order to Youngs Mouse Killer that I'd put in the bath- And last night David and Julie
THREE IATEX PROPHYLACTICS
Drug Products Corpo- room that same afternoon, and came for a visit and went in to talk
ration. Then buy sprayed the whole table with sticky to Spiggy about something to do with
your future Trojans bait-pellets. Then Spiggy got all sort
needs from your the Betsy-Wetsy doll that Pat gave
of flustered and locked himself in the them and that put Spiggy in such a
local pharmacist. den, which he insists we call "library" good mood that he took us all out to
now. He's been spending a lot of time the Pizza Castle for the first time since
in there lately pacing around with 1968 when they had the riots in Balti-
ADDRESS. his cheeks stuffed full of cotton and more and our cook was out shopping
muttering, "lasagna," "ravioli," and for color TVs.
CITY
"Franco-American Spaghetti." After All for now,
STATE. .ZIP. a while I got him to come out by kiss-
Youngs Drug Products Corporation ing him on both cheeks and calling
4J
865 Centennial Avenue,
Piscataway, New Jersey 08854 him "Amanda Grade B Speck," which
9 ^
24 NATIONAL LAMPOON

When WestBruce & Laing
played the Wuvulu Pop Festival,
the audience ate them up.
Leslie West (of Mountain), Jack Bruce (of Cream), WEST. Bf\UCEfclA\N(M
and Corky Laing (Mountain's thunder and lightning) VVhyDonteho
are making positively savage rock and roll. including-.
The Doctor/Pollution Woman/While Vou Sleep '
"And the album," writes Mnolo, the Herdsman, Out IntoThe Fields/Why Donteha
in the Cargo Cult Free Press,
"is as tasty as the group is live."
West, Bruce & Laing.

"Why Dontcha."
On Columbia /Windfall
Records -and Tapes
•fciMARCASREG PRINTED IN U S *

8333 SONNY & CHER 5111 EMERSON, LAKE 7272 THE SOUNDS 3873 CRUISIN' 1957 0299 COSBY, GREGORY, 0816 STAN KENTON 7720 PARTRIDGE
All I Ever Need Is I PALMER Trilogy OF LOVE . . . A to llZl Rock 'N' Roll History FOXX & FLIP Just For Today (2 LPs & 2 tapes) FAMILY At Home With.
You Kapp Cotillion Yorkshire Increase Laughs (2 LPs & 2 London Their Greatest Hits
tapes) Scepter Bell
0863 MOTHERS OF
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Theme From A Summer Out (2 LPs & 2 tapes) BURT BACHARACH DEBUSSY Afternoon Of 8178 THE WHO Individually & 5581 TOM JONES
Place Verve Verve Scepter A Faun Yorkshire Who's Next Decca Collectively Bell Close Up Parrot
1037 STEPPENWOLF 5564 AL GREEN

Gold ABC/Dunhill Let's Stay Together Hi
1196 THE GRASS 1084 THE GRASS

ROOTS Their 16 Great- ROOTS More Golden
est Hits ABC/Dunhill Grass ABC/Dunhill
9058 2001: 5185 GRAHAM NASH/

A Space Odyssey DAVID CROSBY
MGM Atlantic
6164 JOHNNY WINTER 7044 BEETHOVEN

First Winter Piano Sonatas
Buddah Yorkshire
1053 JAMES GANG 3007 BUFFY SAINTE-

Thirds ABC/Dunhill MARIE Used to Wanna
Be A Ballerina
0522 WOODSTOCK TWO Vanguard
(2 LPs & 2 tapes)
Cotillion
0324 IAN & SYLVIA
Greatest Hits (2 LPs
1183 THREE DOG & 2 tapes) Vanguard
NIGHT Harmony
ABC/Dunhill
0398 GREATEST
SONGS OF WOODY
7777 GODSPELL GUTHRIE (2 LPs & 2
Original Cast Bell tapes) Vanguard
5534 TEN YEARS 1459 STEPPENWOLF

AFTER Alvin Lee & Rest In Peace
Co. Deram ABC/Dunhill
Record Club of America - T h e World's Largest

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LPs and Tapes. l a n m n a H i i i i u n u u i u u i i i u i

ments to elope with his beloved, the j lar Republican was found to invest the
daughter of one of his neighbors in the $100,000 or so involved in running a
town of Dalmali. Sometime after mid- , campaign in what was clearly a losing
night, a shadowy figure wrapped in a battle. The Republicans had intended
blanket descended the ladder he had to caucus privately after a suitable
placed by her window, he carried her delay and handpick a symbolic can-
to his waiting car, and they sped didate to make the race, but under
away. state law Tiny automatically be-
Several miles down the road he un- came the Republican candidate and
wrapped the delectable bundle and ran unopposed in the primary.
discovered that he was carrying off Mr. Freeman was running his cam-
the girl's grandmother, who beat him paign out of a booth in the Central
up. The Sun Tavern in Seattle, where he collected
• A New York "artist named Neke contributions in an old wine bottle,
Carson paints portraits with his ass. j and his campaign appearances were
| Carson inserts a paintbrush in his rec- i limited to a circuit of other beer tav-
' turn, squats in a kneeling position, ; erns in Seattle. His platform included
! and puts his head between his legs. a call for a "muscatel maintenance
H e recently used the technique, which program" for skid-row winos and for
he calls "Rectal Realism," to do a por- the return of the mushroom industry
trait of Andy Warhol. The drawing to Seattle. On the issue of unemploy-
was executed with a pink felt-tip pen, ment, his position was: "Let them run
da, was arrested in September for which has a special rubberized shaft for Congress."
trading his infant son for a used car. to facilitate penetration.
Mr. Sims and his wife, Jennifer, who Embarrassed by the whole affair,
Observers who saw the finished the local Republican officials denied
has also been arraigned, allegedly product described it as surprisingly Tiny any campaign funds, and he
traded their three-month-old son, Eu- realistic. "Boy, can that asshole threatened to sue them for "nonsup-
gene Evans Sims, to a Mr. and Mrs. paint," said one of Warhol's asso- port," insisting that the GOP could at
Harold Vannoy of Immokalee, Flori- dates. Village Voice (W. Taurins)
da, in return for a 1971 Chevrolet. The least spare Martha Mitchell to cam-
• During the last four years, the Navy ; paign for him. Wall Street Journal
couple faces charges under a Florida has spent $375,000 on a scientific
law that prohibits "selling a child study of the flight characteristics of • As part of a program of public-
for payment or something of value." service and safety presentations,
| Frisbee to determine if the saucer-
New York Times (D. Williams) radio station K P I K in Colorado
shaped plastic toy could be turned
• A young Yugoslavian named Dor- Springs, Colorado, sponsored a con-
into a weapon of some sort.
sun Yilmaz recently made arrange- test offering a free funeral to the first
Navy scientists launched countless person killed over the Labor Day
thousands of Frisbees from Hurricane weekend.
Mesa in Utah and monitored their Contestants were required to regis-
flight with tracking cameras. At the ter prior to 6:00 P.M. on Friday, listing
same time, extensive wind-tunnel their names, addresses, ages, Social
tests of discs were conducted at the Security numbers, and next of kin.
Navy Ammunition Depot at Crane, Although there were reportedly
Indiana. "hundreds of applicants," according
Lt. Comdr. Hugo A. Hardt, who has : to station spokesmen, no one claimed
headed the testing program for the j the prize. Colorado Springs Sun (P.
last two years, said the project was Arkow)
; cancelled last fall when attempts to • A Bronx, New York, liquor-store
adapt the Frisbees for use as flares or owner is facing charges of failing to
airborn projectiles proved totally report a death and moving a body
j fruitless. Newsday (R. Hupp) without the required permit,following
• A man in Redondo Beach, Califor- the death in his shop of a man he hired
| nia, who refused to serve beer to a to guard the premises over a long
] gang of youths who crashed his weekend.
I daughter's wedding reception was Last March, the merchant, Sey-
: beaten to death with a garbage can. mour Schwartz, discovered that the
Y E S !! P l e a s e fill my o r d e r for ; Royal Gazette of Bermuda (F. Li) burglar alarm in his store was out of
" d o i n ' i t " w a t c h (es) • The Republican nominee for the 7th i order and hired a man named George
[ Congressional District in the state of Lawrence, an unemployed laborer, to
• cash 5 |l|8u
Washington was J. J. ("Tiny") Free- stay in the shop all weekend in return
• check 10",,; man, a six-six, 275-pound unemployed for carte blanche to drink as much of
• money order „_, resadd tugboat deckhand who was running the merchandise as he wanted.
• m a s t e r c h a r g e .©K. 5% tax
because he "digs" the $42,500-a-year Lawrence apparently drank himself
a c c o u n t no. expires salary of a congressman and wanted to death, and his body was found in
; to go to Washington because "I have a vacant lot, where Schwartz had
friends in Maryland and Virginia that moved it. New York Post D
I haven't seen for a long time and this
address would be a good excuse to visit them." A one-year subscription or the
city state 77? Freeman became the GOP candi- equivalent value in National Lam-
date by filing just minutes before the poon products will be given for items
Timely"* products corporation
deadline. Because of the popularity used. Send entries to: True Facts,
p.o. box 6517 • &nahcim.California • 92806 and strength of the Democratic in- National Lampoon, 635 Madison
cumbent, Rep. Brock Adams, no regu- | Ave., N Y . , N Y . 10022.
28 NATIONAL LAMPOON
The
album
that hits
below
the
Bible
belt. MARJOE
BAD BUT NOT EVIL
Featuring: I Shall Be Released

Collection Box • Lo and Behold!
Glory Glory Hallelujah
Below and beyond. In his new gig, Marjoe

takes the long voyage from evangelic gospel
to solid rock. His message is different but he's
a spellbinder, all t h e way. Manufactured and Distributed by RCA Records

start planning to visit Ocean City for
about a millenium.
You're condemned to give Kenneth
Clark an endless piggy-back ride
through the Cluniac Abbey of Veze-
lay. Clark is demanding and will sud-
denly scream, "Take me to the R e l -
iquary of St. Foy at once!" You try
to explain that many of the relics he
requests to see are in other churches,
but Clark only yells "blasphemy" and
slams a porphyry jar against your
neck.
You're hanging upside down, en-
ence orgasmic surges of reassurance cased in a swaying salami. In the
by Ed Bluestone background, a cantor chants "The
(Wouldn't it be a drag) as passing the Russells verifies your
existence. Syncopated Clock," making it sound
If the Hereafter Was Boring? A cycle completes itself when Ber- more like a suffering pocket-watch.
trand, and then his grandparents, are Somehow you know that you're owned
Your soul lies between two giant seen eating chocolate, halvah, and by a delicatessen that disguises sa-
slices of stale white bread. Above you cheesecake. For soon they will have lamis as pendulums. Occasionally you
are another soul and a slice of stale skin blemishes, and your memory's hear a counterman say, "I'll tell you
white bread, completing a triple-deck- only possessions start to seem vague.... vigh. Vould a hungry boigla dreg avay
er sandwich. The sandwich you live in a grendfather clock?"
travels through infinity narrowly You find yourself pinioned to the
avoiding the open mouths of Bertrand floor of a travel agency. All around You live in an apartment building
Russell and his grandparents. After you, employees are helping customers designed after the PeriodicTable of the
many centuries of this, your mind's arrange vacations to Ocean City, New Elements. Each apartment represents
only function is that of further incul- Jersey. Your back is covered by an im- a different element, but things aren't
cating the Russell family's facial fea- mense scab. Every few thousand years as quaint as they sound. The atomic
tures. Yet soon, the flawless retention Florence Nightingale applies a large weight of the apartment above you de-
of these faces becomes comforting . . . Band-Aid to the scab, and Diogenes termines how often the ceiling caves
more comforting . . . almost sensual. the Cynic rips it off. Then Florence in, your landlord is an inert-gas freak,
And eventually you begin to experi- and Diogenes laugh, hold hands, and and it's damn hard to sleep with the
increasing ionization potential sub-
shells being completed . . . not to men-
tion the thieves and riffraff who stop
at your place when you live next door
*«* *
Stereo is like to gold or silver.
You sit in on an infinite number of
loving-you give a therapy sessions in which Carl Sand-
burg pretends he's Lincoln in psycho-
I lot to get a lot. analysis.

You stare at twin antelopes who've
been run over by a steamroller and
Caring for your stereo attempt to mentally calculate if
has its own rewards they're congruent. But whenever a
—a lifetime of solution seems near, you're distracted
listening pleasure. by the question of whether congru-
ency would necessarily prove them to
Care about the music be identical twins. And if so, could
you listen to —hear it on they be stitched into one realistic
an Empire Troubador hunting trophy?
Turntable, complete with You're doing the elementary back-
r, , 1000ZE/X cartridge. stroke in a bottle of Canoe. Charles
&/ Empire gives your records the Boyer, who's standing on a raft, holds
•*^\ - loving they deserve. a stack of Red Cross swimming cards.
Troubador Turntables Boyer has been withholding your "in-
termediate" card for years; conse-
available at better quently, you live with a fear that
hi-fi dealers. Buster Crabbe will break the Canoe
Write for your free bottle.
"Empire Guide A scaffold suspended against an in-
to Sound Design." finite brick-wall is your permanent
working place. You must paint Rob-
Empire Scientific Corp. ^^~"^^^^~\ ert's Rules of Order on the wall. Ear-
Dept. M. Garden City I © f T l D l f G J phones bring you the voice of Hey-
Model598ll New York 11530 ' '
wood Hale Broun lecturing on parlia-
World Famous Turntable Systems mentary procedure as a competitive
30 NATIONAL LAMPOON
THE Four-Letter Word
BLATANTLY
(but elegantly)
DISPLAYED
31x25 inches Poster
1263 One 8uak
125S Think About II

23x29 Color S2.00
[ ^ I * ' * SAUSALITO. CALIF 949
' No C O O i pleose
Please send me items marked totaling
Item # !>.-•; Add 75C handling:
Total enclosed: S_
PLEASE PRINT
Name ,
IS'SES Sweet .
Is s
Civv _

continued
sport.
You sit in a restaurant — deaf,
dumb, and addicted to phonetic al-
phabet soup. Thus you can only order World's Largest Record Department
more soup by spelling out your wishes
in phonetic symbol-shaped noodles.
Beethoven sits at a nearby table
mocking your difficulty in transcrib-
ing sound mentally.
FEATURES NATIONAL LAMPOON'S
You lie unconscious in a coffin, but
RADIO DINNER at $3.99
every New Year's Eve you're granted
one minute of awareness—a telephone
At Its Stores Everywhere
operator wishes you season's greet-
ings, followed by an ear-shattering N E W YORK Arlington Heights
rendition of "Auld Lang Syne." 1440 Cenlral Ave. 575 West St. Charles St.
Albany Elmhurst
You sit in a room which is wall-
papered with Day-Glo bibliographies. 1998 Bruckner Blvd. & Pugsley Ave. 4200 Lincoln Hwy.
Bronx Matteson
On a desk before you are a goldfish
485 Fulton St. Dempster St. & Waukegan Rd.
in a bowl and a bibliography of every Brooklyn Morton Grove
source used in compiling the Oxford 1640 Shore Parkway Harlem Ave. & Cermak Road
English Dictionary. The bibliography Brooklyn North Riverside
is not properly compiled: all pamph- Glen Cove Rd. & Westbury Ave. 8700-8732 South Cicero Avenue
lets included have been entered in the Carle Place, LI Oaklawn
bibliographic form applicable to es- 350 Route 110 MARYLAND
says in an edited collection, and, even Huntington Station
1955 East Jappa Road
weirder than that, every "et.al." used 3147 Middle Country Rd. Baltimore
Lake Grove
has been capitalized and they're now 5407 Baltimore National Pike
Rockaway Turnpike & Peninsula Blv( Baltimore
totally confused with Et Al the se- Lawrence
manticist, whose name appears fre- 600 Belair Rd.
Douglaston Parkway & 61st Ave. Belair •
quently. Little Neck
Governor Plaza & Ritchie Hwy.
Attached to the bowl is a note say- Route 59 & First St. Glen Burnie
ing that you've been assigned to cor- Nanuet Rockland Co. 11800 Rockville Pike
rect this bibliography before the gold- 140 East 45 St. Rockville
fish dies. Should you fail, you'll start 575 Filth Avenue
MICHIGAN
all over, the fish being replaced by 1293-1311 Broadway
Telegraph Road & West Chicago
another one with a shorter life-ex- 847 Pelham Parkway Detroit
pectancy. After several thousand fail- Pelham Manor
29-101 John R. Road
ures, it becomes amazing how fast a 431 Boston Post Road Madison Heights
Portchester
fish can die. 28800 Gratiot
955 Central Avenue Roseville
The actuary who delivers the fish Scarsdale
has blackheads. Fort St. & Pennsylvania Ave.
2795 Richmond Ave. South Gate
Stolen Island
You're the only customer in the 29720 Southfield Rd.
Sunrise Highway & Kane St.
Vienna Copacabana. Opening the West Islip
Southfield
show is a magician who saws a preg- MISSOURI
PENNSYLVANIA
nant woman in half and puts her back Florissant Road & Evans Ave.
South 32nd St. & Trindle Rd.
together but leaves the embryo in two Camp Hill
St. Louis
pieces. The featured act, who's on for Cumberland Co.
10810 Sunset Hills Shopping Center
St. Louis
about ninety years every show, is Sig- 160Gulph Rd.
mund Freud performing as a comic: King ot Prussia NEW JERSEY
"Gud evening, ladies and gintle- Welsh Rd. & Roosevelt Blvd. Black Horse Pike & Nicholson Rd.
Audobon
men. A funny ding happened to me on Philadelphia
Corner Ave. J & Constable Hook Road
da vay to Vienna. I was sitting on da 3045 Fifth St. Hwy.
Bayonne
Reading
train reading von of my essays on in- Lenola Road & Route 38
Stote & Sproul Rds.
fantile sexuality . . . ven a voman with Springfield Del Co. Moorestown
an infant valked by. And as they Cheltenham Ave. & Easton Rd. 536 Milltown Rd.
passed, the infant said to me, 'Dun't Wyncote North Brunswick
read about it grandpa, I'm available!' Route 4 & Spring Valley Rd.
VIRGINIA
"Did you ever hear the von about Paramus
3524 South Jefferson St.
the pleasure principle? Every teach- Baileys Crossroads
Olden & Princeton Aves.
Trenton
er vanted to work in his school!
Blue Star Shopping Center Rt. 22
"And den dere's alvays the story CONNECTICUT
Watchung
of the three masochists. One liked to Oldtown Road & Main Street
Prospect Ave. & Eagle Rock Rd.
have monkeys valk on him vid golf Trumbull
West Orange
shoes. Another enjoyed being ILLINOIS 877 St. George Ave.
whipped with dried kishka. And da 10 West Rond Road Woodbridge
third . . ."
You eternally write editorials de-
fending the Ptolemaic system of the
ALL KORVETTE'S N O W ALSO SELL
universe. • THE MONTHLY NATIONAL L A M P O O N . . .
32 NATIONAL LAMPOON
Presenting
RAVE REVIEWS for the National Lampoon's
first comedy record
Radio Dinner
which we've taken out of context to m a k e even better.
" " A l l the scathing brilliance of Lenny Bruce in his prime. Perfectly,
bracingly, lethal. A modern masterpiece of vitriol and o u t r a g e . / /
—Creem
v "Today's most hilarious comedy recording. Delightfully b r u t a l . / /

—Milwaukee Journal
f fLaff itup.ff
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" \ A brilliant piece of com
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""Screamingly f u n n y / "
—ChicagoTribune
" " S u p e r i o r to any other l humor' record I know of. Incredibly vicious.
—Rock
Written and Produced by Michael O'Donoghue and Tony Hendra
Distributed by Blue Thumb Records
A subsidiaryCopyright © 2007
of Famous Music National
Corp. A Gulf +Lampoon Inc.
Western Company.
NIXON LANDSLIDE DISASTER HITS U.S.!
DAMAGES SAID TO RUN INTO BILLIONS
ONLY MASS. AND D.C. ESCAPE HORROR
Wave of Sludge Fills White House, Most Government Offices;
Supreme Court Threatened; Senate, House Narrowly Spared
A proposition restoring the death penalty strong evidence, admittedly based on thousand individuals known to have
in California has passed by a 2-to-l incomplete research, that heavy doses taken "last trips" or participated in
margin. The proposal, which received of electricity or cyanide gas, the two "necktie parties," not a single one
widespread support from groups con- most common "execuninogens," tend went on to a useful or productive life.
cerned with law and order, makes Cal- to result in a permanent change in af- An irresponsible proposition on the
ifornia the only state in the union fected individuals' characters, most same ballot favoring the legalization
where executions are legal. In their often typified by a glassy stare, a do- of the notorious killer-drug marijuana
unsuccessful fight to defeat the mea- nothing, don't-give-a-damn attitude, and supported by dangerous radical
sure, the proposition's opponents and a dramatic reduction in motiva- groups was soundly defeated, also by
cited extensive studies indicating that tion of any kind. They further cited a 2-to-l margin.
death may be harmful to health and figures that show that of the several Sources in Washington report that the
continued
m
mm&. Kn
m
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v
V
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>
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How do you feel about college?
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out it all together Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Bette
Midler
The Divine
nAtlantlcRecords
MissM° and Tapes \SM
ATLANTIC

continued
Nixon Administration, buoyed by its lands.
triumph at the polls in November, The Socialites Security Act will
plans a "100 days" style legislative
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provide decent employment, in most
cases as ambassadors or under secre-
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tuted in the months immediately fol-
BLOW YOURSELF Whether you live in a big city with its
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UP
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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N 37

Lou Reed, innovator, initiator, and inveterate rocker
playing certified, unadulterated and one-hundred-percent
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Lou Reed's new album is called "Transformer."
Originals don't have t o fake it.
Produced by David Bowie
I1CJI Records and Tapes

000 i
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LOOKUP THERE,
A CORNICE HAS
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LAST All)What to Do
Until
the Mortician
4. T o prevent excess blood from flow-
ing to t h e head and discoloring the
face, use your belt to tie a tourniquet
around the deceased's neck j u s t below
the A d a m ' s apple. Fasten it as tightly
as you can by hand, but do not u s e a
t h e fleshy portions of the legs. R e p e a t
until there is a copious flow" of blood.
Allow blood to drain for five m i n u t e s
or until flow diminishes. Contrary to
widespread belief, do not a t t e m p t to
put soft drinks, cleaning compounds,
Comes stick to wind it tighter. At the same or any other temporary embalming
time, prevent the jaws from becoming fluids into the deceased by means of a
Death can strike a n y o n e , anywhere, frozen in an open position by tying tube or in a n v other manner.
anytime. I t can happen miles from the a necktie or strip of cloth into a loop
nearest mortuary or funeral parlor,
in terrain too rugged for hearses, or
Ou.. from beneath the chin to t h e top of t h e
head or by wadding well-chewed
under circumstances— such as in com- 2. Immediately render the deceased chewing gum along the deceased's
bat or time of natural disaster—when immobile. T h i s may be done by press- lower teeth, then pressing the jaws to-
a cry of " M o r t i c i a n ! " or phone call to ing a folded blanket,or rolled-up coat gether and holding them in a closed
a funeral director may go unanswered, over his face and holding it in place position for at least one minute. M a k e
and precious minutes, even hours, will for at least three minutes or by pinch- sure t h a t the jaws a r e properly
pass before a qualified undertaker ing the nostrils and using mouth-to- aligned.
reaches the scene. In this critical peri- mouth asphyxiation. If his involun-
od immediately following a death, tary reflexes or death agony proves
when irreversible changes in the de- too violent for these methods, hit him
ceased take place, the presence of a repeatedly behind the ear either with
cool-headed individual with a good a sock filled with sand or with the
knowledge of last-aid techniques can upper, soft side of a shoe or boot. Do
mean t h e difference between a dismal, not use a solid object like a rock or
perfunctorv, closed-coffin ceremony log, a s this will leave p e r m a n e n t 7. Using folded clothing, several lay-
that wouldn't d o justice to some bruises and marks. Once you have ers of p i n e boughs, or six inches of
shapeless lump on t h e highway and a quieted t h e deceased, apply the blan- dirt or sand, make a platform covering
lavish, unforgettable funeral, with the ket or coat. t h e deceased from below his neck to
departed transformed by the embalm- below his knees. Once the platform is
e r ' s a n d cosmetician's a r t s into a per- in place, pile on t o p of it the largest
sonification of peace and contentment rocks, logs, or other heavy objects you
that gives friends and relatives a can carry, covering t h e entire area a s
memory to cherish always. R e m e m - evenly and completely as possible.
ber: morticians aren't magicians. If T h i s will prevent rigor mortis from
someone comes in looking like 150 p e r m a n e n t l y stiffening the deceased
pounds of stew beef, he's going to go 5. Remove the deceased's wallet a n d into any u n n a t u r a l positions t h a t the
out looking like he's auditioning for a search through it for any card or slip random relaxation of his muscles
role as a walk-on in a J a p horror indicating t h a t his body has been sold might cause.
or willed to a medical school. If you
movie. Learn these seven death-saving
steps; sometime soon, someone you *~<0- find one, burn it immediately; then
love m a y be dying for your help. remove t h e deceased's shoes and socks
3. Insure t h a t the deceased is lying a s and examine his ankles and t h e soles NICE WORK, SON. T H A N K S TO
flat a s possible. If a leg or a r m will of his feet with the ultraviolet viewer YOUR P R O M P T APPLICATION
not go straight d u e to fracture or dis- in your last-aid kit to find the identi- O F L A S T A I D , T H I S BOY I S 0 0 -
location, force it slowly to the ground fication mark. If you have no kit, look I N O T O LOOK L I K E A M I L L I O N
by kneeling on it. D o not be concerned for a slightly pale rectangular patch of BUCKS AT HIS FUNERAL!
by breaking noises, b u t if the limb skin approximately Vx" x W. When
shows signs of becoming detached you have found it, use a knife or other
from t h e remains, do not a t t e m p t to sharp tool to cut it out. Do not merely
straighten it further. Fold t h e a r m s scrape t h e skin; make a deep incision
over the stomach. If there a r e any and remove the entire area.
visible wounds, cover them with
basic flesh-tone cream cosmetic from
your last-aid kit; or if you have no kit
with you, place a c l u m p of moss or
grass 'from which you have shaken
most of t h e dirt) over t h e wound.
1. D o n ' t panic. Move quickly to the
side of the deceased. Do not waste
valuable time trying to revive him. I t For information on last-aid programs
is in t h e first few m i n u t e s t h a t the in your community and the location
most damage is done to t h e remains— of stores selling last-aid kits, contact
either by well-meaning but clumsy in- your local c h a p t e r of t h e American
dividuals, who often permanently ruin D e a d Cross or write to: T h e Ameri-
the body's a p p e a r a n c e by trying to can Dead Cross, Box 101, Morticello,
apply hopelessly inadequate medical New J e r s e y 08101.
treatment like snakebite incisions, 6. Using your knife, carefully cut
tourniquets, and a m a t e u r tracheoto-
mies, or by t h e deceased himself, who
often ruins skin texture and facial
tone in t h e course of his struggles,
grimaces, and fits.
away t h e deceased's clothing from t h e
insideof both his left and right thighs,
approximately six inches above t h e
knee. When t h e skin is exposed, make
gauges a t least three inches d e e p in
D on't
iddlewith
eath
LEARN T H E SEVEN
SAVINO S T E P S
DEATH-

DISSOLUTE PLAYBOY, HAMSTER TOLL HOUSE COOKIE. LA BREA H , HEIR TO THE VAST AT HIS SIPE SITS THE LATEST IN A LONG LINE OF
TAR-PIT FORTUNE,, SPEEPS ALONG A MOUNTAINOUS CALIFORNIA ROAD IN HIS, LOOSE COMPANIONS- BELLE PAESE, AN ITALIAN -
CUSTOM-VVWDE GIOTTO CHIARIOSCURO G.T, ^___ SWISS GO-GO SPEAKER HE- PICKEP UP AT A
TOPLESS LECTURE ON APMIRALTY LAW IN THE
BASEMENT OF THE WORLD COURT AT THE HAGUE.
HOT DAMN.' THIS

DAGO JALOPY HAS OH, HAMSTER, ZIS CHAMPAGNE SHUT UP, ,
WHAT IT TAKES/ HAS MAPE ZEE BOTTOM OF YOU TRAMP/
sT* MY SLIPPER ALL STICKY. I

WANT YOU TO WIRE
DR.SCHOLLANPTELL/
HIM TO SHAG OUT
HERE PRONTO
HIS ONLY REASON FOR

RETURNING TO HIS
NATIVE LAND IS TO
CAJOLE HIS WIPOWED
MOTHER INTO GIVING
HIM A*5-MILUON
ADVANCE ON HIS NEXT
ALLOWANCE TO COVER
THE GAMBLING DEBTS
HE HAS RUN UP
PLAYING CHBMiN
DCFBR AT THE
NOTORIOUS CASINO
IN ST. LAZARE.
BUT AS HE RECKLESSLY ACCELERATES

THROUGH THE RUGGED SIERRA NEVADAS
TOWARD THE MANSION HIS FATHER CON-
STRUCTEP FROM BUILDINGS MAILEP STONE
BY STONE FROM EUROPE v..
OH, HAMSTER,
HOW QUAINT'
SUICIPE CURVE,'

YOU CAN TAKE THOSE
LEAFY MOOCHERS OFF
THE GRAVY TRAIN. I'LL
EXPECT THE FIRST CHECK
By TOMORROW,
BOY", I COULP SURE

USE T H E $ 5 0 0 , I GOT
A PAYMENT TO MEET
THE ENP OF THE WEEK,

This Book Can Add One, Two, or More Years to Your Life!
Yes, you can take advantage of the little-known "loop- • The famous match between Death and Capablanca in
hole" that gives you an extra year of life after your time is 1934 in Havana, when the great Cuban grandmaster routed
up by beating Death at a game of chess! Sounds impossible? death with a chess set made from clamshells on a board
Well, normally an ordinary amateur player faced with a scrawled in chalk on the back of a sea turtle he had trained
champion of grandmaster caliber like Death wouldn't stand to run around in circles whenever it heard the word "check."
a chance, but Bobbie Fisher has collected into one useful, • The match between Death and Panowsky in 1941 in
easy-to-follow volume all of the remarkable psychological Moscow, when Panowsky invoked an obscure rule that actu-
techniques he has developed during his long and colorful ally forced Death to agree to a substitute contest, a game of
chess career—techniques that can turn even the clumsiest puff billiards, which Panowsky won handily.
beginner into a formidable opponent in just weeks! You'll
learn:
• How to unnerve Death by complaining about the gleam of
his scythe blade, the rustle of his robes, and the sound of Order your copy of this extraordinary
sand in his hourglass. book today!
• Hundreds of methods of distracting and annoying Death
between moves, for example, ostentatiously writing out "I wouldn't know a fianchettoed bishop from a dish of lin-
checks for life subscriptions to magazines, reading a copy of guine, but thanks to this book I've beat Death three years
Death Be Not Proud while he studies the board, and noisily running. Right now I'm preparing for my next match by
humming derogatory hymns. training my Weimaraner to wee-wee on his rooks."—V. J.
• Dozens of surefire delaying tactics that can buy you pre- "Before 1 read your book, I was so scared of Death I couldn't
cious days and weeks—tactics like insisting that a special have gone five turns with him in a round of state capitals. But
chair be sent from Brooklyn, demanding that the "purse" be now I'm confident I can make him say "uncle," or whatever
increased by a few months to "sweeten the kitty," and re- it is they say when you win."—B. L. T.
jecting the match date as too "arbitrary."
• How to put Death at a disadvantage by making him play
with strange chess-sets with which you have thoroughly • Tomorrow may be too late! Rush me my copy of Bobbie
familiarized yourself (such as chessmen made from door- J Fisher khows You How to Beat Death today. I enclose
knobs, a set composed of snowflake paperweights of differ- I $8.95.
ent sizes, or one consisting entirely of canapes arrayed on a j The Rookshelf, 1445 Proviso St., Wilmot, Calif. 9 0 9 4 4 .
board made from inlaid luncheon-meats.)
• How to keep Death off-balance by continually citing him Name_
for one of the nearly eight thousand technicalities and infrac-
tions under International Chess rules, which will entitle you Address.
to inflict penalties ranging from loss of a move to indefinite
postponement of the match. jcity. .State. .Zip.
You also get valuable play-by-play descriptions of games
won against Death by the leading grandmasters of all .time Also from the same publisher: How It Is That a Man May Vanquish the
to study: Specter oj Death at the Game oj Go, by Keinji Yushita

enswe
orneonezYou byEdBluestone
1. Offer $10,000 to the person who can draw the best 12. Show up at the cemetery with your Doberman
moustache on the deceased. pinscher, and just as the casket is being lowered have
him play dead.
2. Stick peace-sign decals all over the coffin.
13. Walk up to the casket and start comparing the
size of the deceased's clothes to your own.
3. Congratulate the deceased's parents on outliving
him. 14. Stay home and call the funeral parlor saying that
the deceased has just won the state lottery, but since
4. Listen to the baseball game on a transistor radio he's dead the money goes to the Defense Department.
and react loudly to every pitch. 15. Immediately after the eulogy, stand up and pro-
pose to the widow.
5. Start telling the widow an old army story about
you, the deceased, and two girls in Shanghai.
16. Tell the clergyman that the deceased was a vam-
pire and ask if you can drive a stake through his heart.
6. Keep asking everyone if they saw the previous
evening's Johnny Carson show. 17. Pass out baby pictures of the deceased.
7. Keep remarking that you're having a good time, 18. Shake the widow's hand with an electric buzzer.
but Louis Armstrong did have Peggy Lee at his
funeral. 19. Have representatives of the eye bank show up,
say they're too late, and demand the widow's eyes.
8< Stand around at the cemetery saying, "At least
now he'll no longer be tormented over being impotent." 20. Show up at the cemetery masqueraded as the
deceased.
9. Tell everyone that they can either stay at the
funeral or come over to your house and see something 21. Show up at the cemetery masqueraded as the
terrific involving a belly dancer and a Great Dane. widow and claim that she's a phony.
10. Stand up at the funeral service and announce that 22. On the way home from the cemetery, tell the
you've purchased a new car. widow that you're not sure, but you think that you
saw the body move.
11. Show up at the cemetery in swim trunks, diving
mask, and flippers and announce that you're going 23. The day after the funeral, send the widow a
swimming right after the funeral. candygram from the deceased.
50 NATIONAL LAMPOON
MAN IN MORGUE
rSxTaWn^^
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 51

52 NA'l IONAL LAMPOON

WhoAreTheyNow? by Guru Minnie Raj Ji, Perfect Thirteen-Year-Old
Gossip Columnist
My partner was visibly shocked, so
much so that his ability to manage his
soup (a delicious senegalaise) was seri-
ously impaired. It appeared that my part-
ner had been "taken in" by the publicity
generated by our hostess's studio, which
has "ballyhooed" the famed funny girl
.'.••I! ..ui, .-J 'BH-'L1 '!.•• •*^*mwrsaam• as the reincarnation of Anne of Cleves, a
well-known medieval wit. Would it inte-
rest him to know, I asked my partner,
that many filmland favorites shared our
hostess's vegetable origins? Indeed it
would! So much so, in fact, that at his
urging I compiled a list which, while far
from exhaustive, began to indicate to him
the extent of the movie colony's involve-
ment with "another world." Then it oc-
curred to me that my readers might like
to be "in on the secret." Here is-the low-
down on what insiders call "the Holly-
wood salad":
Carole Lombard, blonde, glamorous,
amusing, the "sauciest" girl in filmland,
and one known for her sarcastic jibes at
the expense of others, spent dozens of
lifetimes as a turnip before achieving
stardom . . . a background she shared
with Pola Negri (whose previous lives
were not spent, as she claimed, in a Near
Eastern seraglio but in a vegetable garden
Mrs. Stanley Erp of 2229-87 Sixty-
seventh Avenue, Queens, New York She made it with a carrot.
"doesn't really remember" her incarna-
tion as Empress Maria Theresa of Aus-
tria. "From what I've read though, she—
I mean /—was a very lovely person,"
Mrs. Erp remarks. Next to Mrs. Erp is
Mr. Albert Feinstein, a lawyer friend
who is helping Mrs. Erp in her legal
effort to retain the Austrian crown
jewels, Dalmatia, Croatia, and Upper
Silesia.
Reunion of "Fighting 69th"

Famed Unit, renowned for wiping out
"ten times its weight in Germans," meets
once a year. Last survivor, Cpl. James Minnie's Memo: Hollywood Salad
Apthe takes it upon himself to round up (Interested in reincarnation? For an in-
his reborn buddies. Corporal Apthe has consequential sum—no more than you
been surprised over the years to see his can pinch from the petty-cash box or ob-
comrades reborn down instead of up. tain in a small scale candy-store heist—
"They told us we'd get good karma for Guru Minnie will send you a copy of her
killing those Jerries and that we'd have autobiography More Times Than I Care
our pick of top assignments in lives to to Remember, the moving story of her
come," Corporal Apthe says, "but most many rebirths.)
of the guys seem to be reborn as insects The other day at an elaborate Holly-
or lower. Some of the fellas are really wood dinner party, I happened to remark
hard up, too. This year I found that one to my dinner partner that our hostess
of our sergeants had been made into a (a famous commedienne) had spent sev-
sweet-potato pie. Gee, how quickly peo- eral former lives in the yellow vegetable
ple forget." kingdom.
54 NATIONAL LAMPOON
several lives as a cabbage.
Some stars fearlessly flaunted conven-
tion . . . and risked box-office suicide.
Pickfair, the palatial home of Douglas
Fairbanks and Mary Pickford (beloved
as "America's Sweetheart"), was the
scene of asparagus banquets that open-
ly proclaimed the provenance of that
"ideal couple." Seemingly nothing—not
even the open admission of vegetable
proclivities—could harm the reputation
of Fairbanks and Pickford or the box-
office appeal of their partner Charles
Chaplin,even though it was well known
that the "Little T r a m p " had, not so
very long before, been so much celery.
in the San Bernadino valley). Ramon But others were not so lucky: Erich von
Novarro, Wallace Reid, and Eva Tan- Stroheim lost his Universal contract
guay—the "I Don't Care Girl"—were when he had a bathtub made in the shape
other stars who had past lives as turnips. of a squash. Clara Bow had "it," but she
Eva Tanguay was less hypocritical than also had too many cucumber facials and which she "made it" not with a stag but
the others and admitted that one thing was junked by her studio. Hollywood, a giant carrot. For Jayne, "making it"
she didn't care for was any dish involving jittery about its image and the specter of with a carrot wasn't just strange, it was
turnips. Eva had a sentimental side and censorship, was trying to clean its own incest.
lived in fear of consuming one of her house. The studios let it be known that And it wasn't just a one-way street.
close relatives, many of whom remain in they wanted stars with "animal appeal" Stars on the wane began to revert. It
obscure truck farms to this day. and that actors with salad in their past was bad enough that Hollywood karma
During the Roaring Twenties, studios need not apply. —the tinsel, the Duesenbergs, the long-
lived in mortal fear that their "sex god- But Hollywood discovered, to its hor- term contracts—should lead to the grave,
desses" and "leading men" would be ex- ror, that there seemed to be some strange but it was unendurable that leading
posed as reincarnated barnyard-fodder. link between what it termed "star qual- ladies planted at Forest Lawn should
Studio publicists hired bogus mystics, ity" and very recent incarnation from shoot back up as spinach. Holly-
whose job is was to trace their stars' his- the vegetable kingdom. N o sooner had wood cringed when James Dean, the idol
tory of rebirth back to exotic and regal Natalie Wood and Robert Wagner (both of a box-office-boosting apres-death cult,
figures, which would boost sales at the promoted as "animal appeal" stars) been came back as a humble potato, but few
box office. Few knew (or dared tell) married than evil tongues dubbed them who knew anything about Jimmy's bad
that at M G M where, according to Louis "succotash," although just who was the karma could say they were surprised... .
B. Mayer's boast, there were "more stars corn and who was the beans no one Virile Ty Power, despite his work for
than there are in heaven," there were seemed to know. And if that wasn't bad multiple sclerosis, came back as a to-
more reborn turnips than there are in enough, Jayne Mansfield, who was film- mato . . . and found himself just another
Dixie. town's prize "animal" jewel, was sup- ingredient in the most sinister dish of all
Still there were leaks. . . . One Holly- posed to have made a "stag" movie in . . . Hollywood Salad. . . .
Do You See Your Name on This List?

If you do, Minnie and her friends at Rebirth Heritage Associates can tell you about
Y O U R P R E V I O U S LIVES. F o r all you know, your heritage may include the life of
Charlemagne. You may have walked the earth as M A T T H E W A R N O L D or JER-
E M Y B E N T H A M , "The Father of Utilitarianism." Included in the one-time price
of twenty-five dollars is meticulous research plus a list of your previous identities
inscribed on beautiful simulated parchment.
Animal Vegetable Mineral
Adams Carrot Stalagmite
Angel Apple Schist
Tiger Elm Marble
Mosquito Rose Red Beds
Wood Thrush Iris Travertine
She walked into the sea when a restau- Robin Kelp Basalt
ranteur pegged her as cabbage. Van Rensselaer Seaweed Granite
wood restauranteur (who by a quirk of Cougar Turnip Gold
fate was one of the few people in Holly- Whitebait Lettuce Iron
wood who could legitimately claim a dis- Bumblebee Spinach Copper
tinguished former birth—he had been Cavendish Celery Uranium
Benjamin Disraeli, the famed prime min- Balfour Pear Silver
ister,) blackmailed stars by threatening Mackerel Bluegrass Limestone
to name salads after them. Beauteous Whitney Dandelion Mica
Mabel Normand walked into the sea Eisenhower Aster Quartz
when this vicious ex-prime minister per- Mayfly Yam Moonstone
manently linked her name to cole slaw— Moth Corn Asbestos
a nasty blow, close to home, as it was Spider Sycamore Ruby
widely rumored that Mabel had spent Astor Ivy Coal

56 NATIONAL LAMPOON
Death on Ice by Gahan Wilson
Until recently, all of man's attempts to protect the human cadaver
against the rigors of death have been, unfortunately, discourag-
ing. Even with the very best rites and preservatives, the best to
be expected was a shriveled, brown object, repulsive even to those
attempting to worship it.
Legends did come out of Vermont

concerning folk in isolated hamlets
having a tradition of freezing their
elders for the winter in order to
spare them the discomforts of the
season, and while few believed
these r u m o r s . . .
continued
continued
... they did inspire some crude efforts at

home chilling. Most of these tended to be
abandoned sometime around midsummer,
either because the deceased took up too
much valuable refrigerator space or because
the odors of advancing decomposition
gave an unpleasant taste to food stored
with the corpse.
During the second World War startling

advances in the field were made, even though
the improved freezing approach was
employed only on an elite few. The final
result of these pioneer experiments may
still lie in the future.
As techniques improved, various

practical applications resulted. At first subjects were
restricted to the great and the near-great...

. . . but, as the cost of
freezing became less pro-
hibitive, more humble uses
were made of the new . . . and the doting parents of a departed child
technology. A beloved pet could console themselves by holding the same birthday party
no longer need be excluded through the years as many times as they wished.
from the household simply
because it had d i e d . . .
Of course, as freezing became per-

fected, the idea of an eventual
defrost and return to life via
advanced surgical techniques came
to the fore. This sometimes led to
criminal acts on the part of
frustrated h e i r s . . .
. . . and there were occa-

sions when incompetence
or carelessness led to
premature defrost and
irreparable damage.

continued
Once the resurrection dream became a No one can tell what will happen to those
reality, a number of unanticipated draw- who arrange to have themselves frozen for
backs became evident. Although the centuries, but present guessing is not on the
frozen one would not change, his friends optimistic side. I t is highly possible that the
and loved ones suffered the usual wear future inhabitants of the earth may find us
and tear produced by the passing of years, difficult to sympathize with, if not actually
and reunions tended to be on the disgusting...
difficult side.
. . . or this planet may be invaded by creatures who will be grateful to

us for having preserved ourselves so carefully.
One thing alone seems to be certain, and that

is that the cockroach will be the final master
of this globe; and if the defrostee is unfortu-
nate enough to survive into that era, he will
have to take what is given him, and the
greatest minds of our time declare it is not
likely to be much.
60 NATIONAL LAMPOON
Scad ôflc
by George W. S. Trow and Cynthia Laverty
When your " l i f e " is over . . . start living at

The Resting Place
—a planned community for Permanent Retirement
near Rahway, New Jersey.
.J^VAS* ^ft^l*^ ^ * i
He: We'd heard of Permanent Retirement, of course. In business people used to an active role in their com-
fact, a lot of my buddies were permanently retired munities who weren't about to mope around just
during the War, and Martha's whole family was because they were "resting."
permanently retired in an automobile accident not She: I loved the grounds! I'd never seen so many flow-
long ago. But w e had never made any plans for our ers. Lilies and gladiolas in profusion . . . and so
own permanent retirement. It just seemed so far tastefully arranged.
away. He: But no gardening or maintenance headaches!
She: Then a friend of ours was permanently retired by a She: And the community center! Neither of us had ever
freak drill-press malfunction, and w e saw the ter- before seen a community center designed like
rible results of lack of planning. Gee, instead of Chartres (the famed cathedral). We learned that
enjoying his permanent retirement with lifelike services in the faith of our choice were available
friends w h o snared his interests, this unfortunate twenty or thirty times a day.
man was put in something the size of a bag of pea- He: But, hey! Let's not forget to tell about our own
nuts and dropped off the Verrazano-Narrows Permanent Retirement condominium. We looked
Bridge. at some lovely gothic and Greek-revival styles, but
He: The next day we took a trip to The Resting Place, a we finally settled on a lovely unit in a restrained
planned community of luxury condominium for the Egyptian motif.
permanently retired, located near Rahway, New She: And because we took advantage of The Resting
jersey. Place's unique early-retirement plan, we're allowed
She: I was impressed by the people! Everyone was so to use our condominium as a weekend and vaca-
lifelike and friendly! tion home until the day when we desire to retire
He: We met people like ourselves . . . professional and permanently!
Another happy ending at The Resting Place
A Public-Service Message from the President's Council on Sub-Zero
Population Growth
SUICM
Who are they? They're the people who discovered ecology years before the herd . . . the people
who adored the Indians before Indians were the vogue. They're the people
who speak to Miss Margaret Mead as a friend. To give our crowded planet room to breathe, they're
doing now what everyone will be doing tomorrow. The Suicide Pack . . .
they know that death is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and they mean to share it,
together, now. The Suicide Pack...leaving us the precious legacy of sub-zero population growth.
Is Suicide Right for Everyone? 4. My yacht

You may think you have valid reasons for wanting to a. • is now a floating hotel off Singapore
live weeks, even months, more into the terrifying, b. • is too big to use the Panama Canal
overpopulated future. If you're in doubt, this simple c. • was fitted with wheelchair ramps at the
questionnaire can be a help. request of Franklin D. Roosevelt
d. • other
1. I earn
a. • more than $350,00 a year 5. My engagement
b. Q $200,000-$350,000 a year a. • was illegal under the Sherman Antitrust Act
c. • $100,000-$200,000 a year b. • interrupted the Davis Cup finals
d. • less than $100,000 a year c. • angered Princess Margaret
d. • other
2. I have sex
a. • more than 7 times a day Scoring is easy. Allow one point for each a answer,
b. • 5-7 times a day two points for each b, three for each c, and four for
c. • 3-5 times a day each d. More than ten points, and your continued
d. • less than 3 times a day existence is an affront to your neighbors.
3. I won my last important athletic trophy
a. • this week
The counseling arm of the President's Council on Sub-
b. • this month Zero Population Growth will show you how you can take it
c. • this year all with you-family, personal possessions, pets. Write for
d. • not since college our prospectus. Offering made only through prospectus.
DEAD PAGES
62 NATIONAL LAMPOON
There is a certain sort of man . . . whose con-
t e m p t f o r his heirs is as great as his dislike
for charitable trusts, who hates his school
almost as much as he despises his wife. . . .
There is a certain sort, o f a man who is
naturally a t t r a c t e d t o the Perpetual Propin-
q u i t y Plan o f f e r e d by the New A m s t e r d a m
Trust.
If you a p p o i n t the New A m s t e r d a m Trust as

your Perpetual Propinquity Trustee, a unique
scheme ( c o m p l e t e l y legal, to all intents and
purposes) goes into e f f e c t upon your d e a t h .
Your v i t a l financial papers, your personal
valuables (even the change in your pocket
at the time o f your demise) are securely
yi »*f£lirm
locked in a series o f safe-deposit vaults. I m -
mediately after your funeral your remains,*
t h a t is, the remains of your body, will be
transported t o the New A m s t e r d a m to be
Round-the-World Cruise,
placed in a safe-deposit vault immediately the thrill of an afterlifetime
adjacent t o your wealth. The New Amster-
dam will then undertake t o embroil your will If you are among the many departed who once longed and
in a series of legal hassles t h a t will keep you saved for a luxury world-cruise (only to be cheated of your
and your money intestate, undistributed,
and happy t o g e t h e r until A r m a g e d d o n or
dream by death's unkind beckon), look lively! Your final re-
until your estate is used up in administrative ward is yet to come—aboard Miami's most fashionable necro-
fees. It's another example of imaginative liner, the S.S. Valhalla. A floating heaven on earth, the Val-
financial planning at the New A m s t e r d a m .
halla's bound on a winter cruise of four enchanting ports and
*We must insist on cremated remains. ninety days of elegant serenity on the high seas.*
Each guest will enjoy the comfort and security of a private
CLASSIFIED stateroom equipped with permafreeze climate-control, no-wilt
carnation arrangements, and two-channel stereo playing a
favorite hymn or popular song. Deckside, you'll lounge by a
Yearn For pool, protected by the Valhalla's nonretractable Immuto-Dome
and pampered by our qualified staff of five, including a hair
Wide Open stylist and manicurist. Frozen banana daquiris will be served
in the afternoon.They're guaranteed to stay frozen till vespers!
Spaces? Every evening, you'll be escorted to the Captain's Bier,
and, later at night, you'll recline next to the likes of Louis
One or two choice sites available in Mesa
de los Muertos, Arizona. Lovely land cov- Armstrong and Maurice Chevalier in our glamorous elysian
ered with real sand. New Medical Center ballroom.
makes Mesa de los Muertos the transplant
capital of the world. Famed local indus-
tries: bone china, lampshades. Family Special Summer Rates
center and wax museum now on drawing
board. Write Mesa de los Muertos, Arizona.
Enjoy a "last fling" on the Val-
halla's open-air July cruise to the
Caribbean. Special package in-
Bed Wetter? cludes three days of glorious sun
and spray, plus a gala burial at sea.
Problem Child? Bed Wetter? Cry Baby?
Why put up with the torture of sleepless
nights, boring days? Place your difficult Itinerary:
child in a Mama Medea Child-Care Center.
Mama Medea has a permanent solution
Waikiki—where lovely Hawaiian girls will come aboard to deco-
for all troublesome children. Nip the rate you with traditional leis.
troublesome child in the bud. Remember, Hong Kong—geishas on sampans will wave you a smiling
if you let it reach adolescence, it just gets sayonara.
worse. Rub your problem out before it Singapore—you'll spend hours soaking up the atmosphere of
learns to squeal. Don't be misled by fool- this mysterious port.
ish right-to-live advocates who never had Majorca—the "pearl of the Mediterranean" salutes you.
a problem child. Free death rattles for
every child. Write for booklet. Box 6F,
Grand Central Terminal, New York, N.Y.
DEAD PAGES
Helena Rubenstiens '
Guide to
Apres - Vie Beauty
So many women these days seem to think that the passing of life frees
them from the responsibilities of proper grooming and body care.
This is simply not true. No matter whether you're from potter's field or
a fancy plot in Forest Lawn, death is no excuse for letting yourself go.
It's heartbreaking to see women allow their bodies to sag and
decompose, their hair grow frightful and unkempt, their nails
become unsightly when, with a little effort, they could remain
radiantly beautiful forever.
Death is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, some of the world's most
glamorous women—Rhonda Fleming, Suzy Parker, all three Gabor
sisters, Yvonne De Carlo, and Tricia Nixon, for example, have been
dead for years; but thanks to skillful makeup and body-control aids,
their condition has proved no "beauty bar" to a full social life.
Now that you've become a truly liberated lady, isn't it about time
you set yourself free from the ravages of underground life?
Start shaping up right now with these Bright Angel cosmetics,
created especially for the apres-vie:
Bright Angel Basic

Porcelain—
to give your entire Dust-to-Blushed
body a flawless Rouge Stick—made
Ashes-to-Lashes
finish even with a special
Liquid Onyx Mascara
Venus will envy. polyurethane formula
and Liner.
that never says die.
Buried Treasure Hair Conditioner and

Angel Dew Froster— Nail Varnish—genuine 14-carat-gold formula to
flecked with guarantee a lasting no-grow hold
the glitter of formica and an "is she or isn't she?" permanent color.
and quartz
to give you a
heavenly
shine even in the
dimmest boite.
Eterna-Lips G l o s s -
fiberglass luster
in two exciting shades:
Red-on-Arrival
and Rest-in-Peach.
DEAD PAGES
64 NATIONAL LAMPOON
Telling
a Kid
His Parents
Adult: BY THE WAY,
YOUR PARENTS
ARE DEAD. DOWN
WE GO!
Are Dead
by Ed Bluestone
illustrated by Shary Flenniken
continued

continued
Adult: AMONG THE COMBAT DEATHS REPORTED

IN VIETNAM TODAY ARE FIVE GIs, THREE PILOTS,
AND TIMMY HALDERMAN'S PARENTS.
Adult: AND THAT'S WHY GOD THREW

YOUR PARENTS IN FRONT OF A SUBWAY CAR.
Adult: I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS FOR YOU, TIMMY.

YOUR PARENTS ARE NEVER
GOING TO TURN INTO FREAKS.
Santa Clans:... AND YOUR PARENTS HADN'T

PAID MY BILLS IN THREE YEARS. SO WE PAID THEM
A VISIT LAST NIGHT; A COUPLE OF THE
ELVES GOT DRUNK AND TORE YOUR MOTHER'S
DRESS. THEN FOR SOME REASON YOUR FATHER GOT Adult: HERE'S YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUME.
MAD. IT WAS A LOT LIKE A CLOCKWORK ORANGE. YOU'RE GONNA BE AN ORPHAN.
66 NATIONAL LAMPOON

Adult: STOP SWEATING OVER
THOSE MULTIPLICATION TABLES.
YOU'LL GET STRAIGHT A's WHEN
THEY HEAR ABOUT YOUR
PARENTS.
Adult: I TELL YOU WHAT—I'LL GO Kid: I'M SO HUNGRY THAT MY STOMACH HURTS. WE'VE
TO THE PTA MEETING WITH THIS BEEN WALKING ALL DAY AND HAVEN'T EATEN A THING.
PICTURE OF YOUR PARENTS... Adult: I KNOW, BUT I HAD A REASON FOR NOT BUYING
AND DEPENDING ON WHAT THE YOU FOOD. RIGHT NO W YOU'VE GOT TEN SECONDS TO
TEACHER SAYS, I'LL DRAW SMILES CHOOSE BETWEEN ALL THE ICE CREAM YOU CAN EAT
OR FROWNS ON THEM. OR SEEING YOUR PARENTS ALIVE AGAIN.
Kid: WHO ARE YOU, INJUN?

WHERE'S MOMMY AND DADDY?
Kid: WHAT DID HE WRITE BEFORE HIS AUTOGRAPH? Indian: HOW. BIG EXCHANGE
Adult: IT SAYS, "YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD. BEST WISHES, PROGRAM. I LIVE HERE, THEY
ROCKY THOMPSON." LIVE HAPPY HUNTING GROUND.
NATIONAL LAMPOON 67
Incredible Pi JUS
Satirical High-finks
Clever Phrasing
Meaningful Parody
PrilliantlyDonc
Very Smart Material
HiddenJokes
Ând Much r Moch More

by Sean Kelly
So berry. All his pompous sand works and
So so sue veneers on dismay here. Self after
sorry fir yir thrubble / never self cluttered wit books. A mythguided
place axscent me daypest symphonies promised tower4 of hysterigaul zeits. Hush, will
Let's nail be the open gasket of the laid laminted and you a yez! Some lines ye may have the fortune
toll a decayed of the zeroful myseries on the venerable prose to read he palmed off in 5his own hand.
beads. Look down in the boox. All that remains. guardian Others he had archy type. Shhh! Hauld
Content the contents and formalthehide. Look at the yer gob! For instants, here's a fact simile
phizz of him. Look at the fuzz of him. Goaty the of his farced publicked werk, a nashty
chinny and the pursestring mout. And the high of his bit of traumatic grittyschism of our own
brow and the down of his nose. And the cheek of him. sweet synging playboys. Yet here's his
Tonguein it? Tip o' my? And the long Jim the parrot own theatrickal play which he rote itself
patch over the empity orbis terrabilis. Sock it? And that has seldom directly come out of the
the one good eye of him on his daughty laughter. closet and trod the boreds. Even at this
O Reilly, its piercing. Orally, its parsing. 0 really stage, he was never won to make a scene.
its person. A penny for the eye. Dead, aye. For All essay and no act. Pipe, pipe, the
SHAM.—Isn't it late out national? As if he was slaving. bitter, Thomist's son. Now, here's tree leaves of
Bard as a stiff. With his blind mouse-tale cut off. for grace, three tomes of pomes. Pansy each.
SHAME.—Poor as a church and dead as a door. verse Fit maybe for lovely lacey valentinos
SHAM.—How diddydie atholl atoll? Was it the coughin day, the great laughter of the silenced
scream. Full of harps and flour. Waxing
carried him off? semimental and waning triolets. Lilly-
SHAME.—He'd been sic all weak of his own crazy- boys and good knights for a race already
fiction. bard to deaf. Shhhh! Ut up! And lashed
SHAM.—Did he die with a will? Did he rite a new but not leashed, we come to the fame-
testyment? mouse four hoarsemen of the apocralips.
SHAME.—The bequest of this here 0 was only write Works of Stair up at these storeys. Full bloom.
and pauper. friction Even Stephen. Coddled molly. And live-
SHAM.—Shure, he left all the big-shot full officers a lier plural belles! The ghost lion of ire
canon of high caliber. land. The garbled straits of dubloons
SHAME.—Arragh, the auld punographer. He'd've been farecity. A site for sour eyes! It was off
life-sinsured if the voice squad could raid. among the eye ties he visual eyesed it all.
SHAM.—Not accordion to the Armorican presidents of Auto exorcism. A poor trait of the artist.
Woolsleyheaded stir-shy boastin liars. Keep it up and you'll go blind. Shhhhh!
SHAME.—At the laced he was booted. Exisled from the Keep it down!
aisle of aints and collars. Out of ourland on his
erse he went and lived incontinent. Inhospitable he passed aweigh when
SHAM.—Will the carps be inturd in constipated soil? Exdream he caught his death of surgeons. Patient
SHAME.—Not after his darty laving of Holy Murther junction of their practice with his pillgrim work
in progress. Annoynting his census and
Church to follow his own apostate glands. shrivening his sense away with the lost
SHAM.—But didn't he die in the ordure of sanity? And secremeants. And where did it get um?
wasn't himself scold by the Jesuits? In the end. Only plain dead. Is't possum-
SHAME.—Parish the taught. bull? In the alms of the laird. Malice to
SHAM.—And what of all his kingly arthur's royalties? underland, durst to durst. In the ordure
SHAME.—He niver mint a word of a phace he coined. of sanity, in the hope of the raised erec-
SHAM.—Shure, but his capital was always doublin. tion. Imean. With leprous, who was pure.
SHAME.—Behind the curtain his books are red. A man.
SHAM.—Nun to lease, I tink they should rap him
round in bandinages and pickle his corpus to cape , ' Fin
it delectable. Agen
SHAME.—Sow ye kin praise yer mummy.
SHAM.—Wile ye fakes yer Joyce. Hi! Lo! The tome is humpty! Why seek ye jim here?
Faith, wouldn't he stir somday? The east horizon! An
Pen an oink for this pearl of a poet!1 oyster roising! Merry, not maudlin with an angel at
An unindemnified flyting chaucer! Will the pale gate and a sexton at the wicked. Censurians,
Genii- he shake a spear when he's donne with up an atom! Gone new clear fishin'? Your phonics was
ology da foe? Trow the herricktick 2 into the always your only park for sunny day re creation. The
milton plot, snake eyes with his pair seacant coming is at hand. By his own, onan on, in
o' dice lost! With his Steele dryden true, volumes. Likeasnot he dayscented undauntayed into
he'll be swift at his travails. And gay at hell, or cannaught he have harrowed the least of the
saxhuns? It's the woeman's libation moment, and
his buggers operaration. (When there's erewhon go braless! Hohoho, Mr. Joyce, you're going
whigs on the green, that's another tory.) to be jim again! Hehehe, Mr. Jim, you're sure to
Like a reeling sterne. No silly-shelleying rejoyce!
nor austentation, and the dickens with
him who would makepeace. 3 A wildeman Up the underground! A wake! A wake!
for shaw! Mark the buoy who cries wolf
from Beo's thorns to Virginia's streams! *Purl to you, brow-beaten knitters.
Bibul- Ssshhh! Zipper yer lip, will yez? Si- 2He
:!
never metaphysical he didn't take.
A novelty notion. A prose by any other stein.
ography lence in the liebury! You're now in the 4Hohoho, Mr. Buck, you're going to be mulled again.
Joyce Mummorial Musseyroom and Lye- •"'I'm a freud he was too jung and adlerpated.
NATIONAL LAMPOON 69
Suicide Notes
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76 NATIONAL LAMPOON
INTERMENT FOR MEN JANUARY 1973 ONE DOLLAR
PLAYDEAD PICKS
THE PIGSKIN PLANE-
CRASHES OF 7 3
13 PAGES ON THE
GIRLS OF FOREST LAWN
SHROUDS OF SPRING:
FASHION FORECAST
SUBURBAN GRAVE-SWAPPING
THE NUDIST SHARON TATE EXHUMED

for that THE PLAYDEAD ADVISO
dead-letter day
Our fine, high-rag-content Play-
dead S u i c i d e N o t e p a p e r , richly
embossed with our playful possum • have a delicate problem. My girl friend low,with my nose drops is it three
trademark, is certain to give your is a lifelike dead person who is "passing," drops every two hours or two drops every
last words the weight they de- and she is very intolerant of my family three hours?—M. L., Norfolk, Virginia
serve. P104 One ream (144 sheets) because they aren't "up on" the latest
$12.50. grooming techniques and don't look as Not in this day and age. Five years ago
lifelike as she does. "She is especially hard it might have been necessary to tell your
on two uncles of mine who have decom- hostess in advance that you planned to
posed. I am embarrassed that my uncles bring a dead date to her dinner party.
don't take more pride in their appear- Dead people are noxu so much in evidence
ance, b u t I can't help loving them and at nearly every "live" event that your
I can't help being hurt when my girl question luould be embarrassing as well
friend refers to them as "those old stiffs." as superfluous. , •
What can I do to change my girl friend's
attitude?—Y. M., New Hope, Pennsyl-
vania.
Bhe other day I went to a restaurant in
go out in style Uncork the bottle one half hour before
you plan to serve it, and you will en-
a part of town I rarely frequent. I ordered
a steak and a salad. I was halfway through
Handwoven His-'n'-Hearse match- hance its bouquet and avoid the "vin- my meal before I noticed that there was
ing shrouds embroidered with our egary" taste you mention. salt but no pepper on the table. When
familiar mascot make it easy to I complained to the waiter, he came back
say "Good-bye, Crewel World." with a funny-looking wooden thing the
P99 Pair of shrouds $25.00. size of a bedside table. H e turned this
B'm writing you because I'm just too thing once or twice and something that
embarrassed to ask anyone else. I had looked very much like pepper came out.
always thought that in subtraction the What gives?—L. M., Quincy, Massachu-
number on top was the minuend and the setts
number on the bottom was the subtra-
hend, but in a bus the other clay I hap- It could be an allergy. Even lifelike
pened to overhear a remark which indi- dead people develop new likes and dis-
cated that it was just the reverse. Can likes after death. The fact that you were
you set me straight?—C, P. A., Wilmarth, accustomed to eating strawberries with-
V North Dakota out experiencing aftereffects during your
life does not directly bear on your apres-
Glad to help. The sioeater you saiu was death situation.
a cardigan. One reason you were con-
fused is that in France all sweaters are
called "pidlovers," even if (as is the case
with your cardigan) the sweater buttons
Hie! Jacet down the front and is not "pulled over" M

the head.
stereo goes whurra-whurra when-
ever I turn it on. T h e n it makes noises
like dentures going down the garbage
Luxurious embalming-fluid caddy
made from choice Brazilian dead- disposal. T h e n it backfires. T h e n the
wood. P845 Embalming-fluid caddy turntable speeds u p to about two hun-
$45.00. dred rpm's. T h e n it goes blurp-a, blurp-a
Bhe flesh is beginning to fall away from and stops completely. Frankly, it's been
my right arm in chunks. I have con- a. long time since I've really enjoyed
sulted my mortician, and he assures me listening to music on my machine.—
that the situation is completely normal G. H., Greenwich, Connecticut
for my time of death (I passed away six
months ago), and he tells me not to Be thankful you have a wife who will
worry. Still, it is alarming to see my very speak to you frankly about her sexual
own flesh come off by the handful. Is needs. Encourage these discussions. Some-
there anything I can do, or must I resort times the sex life of a married couple
to long-sleeved shirts?—C. S., Essex Fells, can be enhanced by a "change of place."
N.J. Suggest to your wife that you make love
in the cellar, the laundry room, or under
No, you lose your bet. Frankfort isn't
the dining-room table.
the only town with a "wide open" sec-
Please send check o r money o r d e r t o : tion where prostitutes can ply their trade
Playdead Products, 919 Peaceful Rest Ave-
n u e , Forest Lawn, California 90911. A legally and under the supervision of
y e a r ' s s u b - s u b s c r i p t i o n delivered to y o u r trained medical authorities. Brussels and
graveside for either PLAYDEAD or for o u r Milan have similar arrangements, and
n e w publication for the young dead, NON,
is included free in orders of S50.00 o r Copenhagen has a "kennel district" where
more. animal contacts are supervised by the
state. H
COVER PHOTO BY DICK FRANK
PLAYDEAD INTERVIEW: DAN BLOCKER
a candid conversation with ole hoss cartwright of the ponderosa, tv's latest pulmonary embolus
It's no secret to any casual observer and half a Ph.D. and was hired to ap- really Dan Blocker and not his real son.
that the new mortality is here to stay. It pear on "Gunsmoke." In his first TV "There were two separate interviews.
has only taken a few short years for it to role he lassoed and dragged Chester fif- The shooting schedule of the show de-
make its way from the closed tomb to the teen miles out of Dodge. Marshall Dillon manded most of his time, but I was able
drawing room. Sanctified by the public's caught him but had to release him wh^n to ride with him for the two-hour drive
demand, this once grave subject is now Doc said that Chester would live. Still to and from the set. The producers of
the topic of major motion pictures, best furious, Dillon took him out behind the the show explained to me that they plan
sellers, nightclub acts, reviews, and the jail and beat him into unconsciousness. to alter his character somewhat this sea-
like. Even the predictable standard fare That was in Dodge. He then headed as son and have him play the part of a
generally offered to television viewers has far West as you could go and not be in comatose shut-in. The nature of the pro-
taken steps in this new direction to give California: Nevada . . . and was given gram led me to my first logical question."
its public what they've been craving for two brothers and a father whose pen-
many years. chant for riding into town, riding around
their ranch, and asking each other ques- PLAYDEAD: After fifteen years of high
One early pioneer in this area is the
riding, ranch tending, and shout-outs in
fifteen - year - old • and - still • going - tions was boundless. It was on this stretch
and around Virginia City, Nevada,
strong "Bonanza." Though still subject of land, the Ponderosa, that Ole Hoss you've become an institution and a very
to a great deal of criticism by true aficia- made the shoio a success and himself a wealthy man. H o w much of the show's
nados who claim, "Yes, they've killed a wealthy man. success would you say is attributable to
lot of people on the show, but they do PLAYDEAD sent our own handgun your gun vis a vis your brother's and
nothing with the bodies afterward. editor, Kevin Dowd, to interview Dan father's guns?
What's that? That's garbage to us," BLOCKER:
Blocker and had this to say about him:
"Bonanza" has been responsible for over "The first thing you're struck by is the
1,247 TV deaths. One hardly can think of man's size. Figuratively, not literally.
"Bonanza," though, and not think of the He's enormous. I talked with some of the
lovable, gullible second son, Ole Hoss, extras he'd work with, and they'd always
played admirably by Dan Blocker. PLAYDEAD: In your present situation,
like to say, 'Why he's so big he has to go
how often do you get laid and blowed
Born Daniel Blocker in Bowie, Texas, out of the bunkhouse just to change his
and see other dead people naked?
of monied parents, he was bent on an mind.' Lome Greene, who plays his BLOCKER:
acting career from the start. His parents father, asked me to change that 'bunk-
encouraged his vocation by sending him house' to 'main house' because he
to Yale,, where he studied drama and be- didn't like Hoss going into the bunk-
came president of Bubble and Sweek, the house when he had a perfectly good room
college's acting society. After a stint in right upstairs. Greene expressed some PLAYDEAD: We don't want to put any
the Korean War, he earned his master's confusion when I suggested that Hoss is words in your mouth b u t . . .

• /
•
m
M m;:
afleetingglance
at the dearly departed
dollies of suicide-
conscious scandinavia.
^WR tffl^^w - '^
a pictorial essay
By MoRf DiEbold
While Paris may sizzle and Rome may burn, no place can satisfy the multi-
faceted desires of today's sophisticated necropolitan male quite like Sweden.
T h e signs are all about in this land of the moonlight sun—from the grammar-
school chants, "You can rig a soccer match,/You can rig a tortoise,/You can
rig a sailboat,/But you can't rig a mortis," to the nation's top songs, which
freely extole the virtues of virulence. In 1967 Sweden played host-country to
the first International Death Fair. Though other nations have attempted to
repeat this fatal phenomena, their brands of dead reckoning left much to be
desired. T h e Japanese, who rank second to the Swedes in per capita suicides,
were able to capture some of the cryptic celebration but fell short inventively
when they tried to recreate the individual body-embalming exhibits, the grave-
digging displays, and the corpse-stripping and hefting-and-running events.
(continued on page 125)
With over twenty-seven arrests and eighteen convictions attributed to her clan-
destine undercover-work, gangland gossip Penny Soljivon (left) seems a little morti-
fied as she's dragged from her visit to the deep six while Songe Korjoe (right), the
daughter of a minister, finds it all in keeping to spend her day off hanging around
the attic.
PHOTOGRAPHY BY DAVID KAESTLE
Debbie Peterson (below), a true organic gourmet,

winds up cooking her head off and reminds us to
pick up some buns on the way home tonight; and cer-
tainly worth stairing at is pert Miss Mia Fojrd (left),
a former airline stewardess who knows how to take
steps in the right direction.

PHOTO BY DICK FRANK
(r-;;~*»

1
/^—s
5o
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z
X MISS JANUARY 171947-JANUARY
Copyright5,1973
© 2007 National Lampoon Inc. I
PLAYDEAD'S PARTING JOKES
V ^ u r Disinterred Dictionary defines a posthu- I here was a jazz player called Coors,
mous erection as vigor mortis. Whose riffs drew fantastic applause.
When asked why this was,
I he homosexual necro went down to the morgue He said, "It's because
for his weekly dalliance. I'm constantly shooting up'whores'."
"Slim pickings today," said the friendly morti-
cian, "all we've got today is a beautiful, sexy,
young housewife who slashed her wrists."
"Oh, well," sighed the disappointed sodomite.
"Buggers can't be choosers."
I hen there was the newly widowed husband who

thought his wife's body would look good in some-
thing long and flowing, so he threw it in the Mis-
sissippi.
I he travelling salesman was quite lost in the wilds

of the Middle West. Despairing of finding a place
for the night, he stopped at a nearby farm and
was taken in by the hospitable master of the
house. After a hearty dinner the salesman began
to feel some rather basic urges and inquired of his
host where he might satisfy them.
"Well," said the farmer, "I do have a daughter,
but she's dead."
The salesman, too horny to object, followed in-
structions and found a beautiful girl with no legs
hanging in the barn, three months dead. After a
wonderful night, he was overcome with remorse
I he Texas cowboy had been pursuing a beautiful and buried the corpse.
dance-hall girl named Eugenie. When he finally "The rice in her cunt was delicious," he ex-
got her into bed she begged him to do it with his plained to his host the next morning, "but I had
Colt instead of the usual weapon. He got so ex- to pay her my final respects."
cited that at the crucial moment he accidentally "That's O.K.," was the matter-of-fact reply.
pulled the trigger and creamed his Gene. "Most guys just left her hanging there. And by
the way, that wasn't rice, it was maggots."
It's an ill whore that blows nobody any good.
I he three conventioneers out on the town for a

little old-fashioned necro, found Madame Fifi
LaJambe's stiffs the best looking they'd ever seen.
Each retired to a separate room to sample the de-
lights of the house and after a decent interval
emerged to compare notes.
"The best ever," said the first. "Stiffer than a
Marine sergeant on V-J day."
"Just the greatest," said the second. "Tighter
than a thirty-foot putt on the eighteenth."
The third was silent.
"How was yours?" asked the other two.
"She moved," was the glum response.
V ^ or Disinterred Dictionary defines a homo-

sexual necrophiliac as someone who's always run-
ning into a dead end.
I hen there was the frustrated cancer patient who

had himself cremated in a whorehouse in the
hopes of one day having his ashes balled.
/ \ n d Ernest Hemingway—always shooting his I hese days those sex-and-death orgies in Califor-
mouth off. nia are being referred to as gang bang-bangs.

in the biblical sense
From The Condensed Apocrypha of the Mad Rabbi Seth Ben-Juserer (c.1560-1618)
In the fourteenth year of the reign of Arphaxad, who ruled over the Medes
in Ecbatana in Persia—the same Arphaxad who built walls about Ecbatana
with hewn stones three cubits wide and six cubits long; he made the walls
seventy cubits high and fifty cubits wide; at the gates he built towers a hun-
dred cubits high and sixty cubits wide at the foundations; and he made its
gates seventy cubits high and forty cubits wide, so that his armies could march
out in force and his infantry form their ranks—this same Arphaxad was con-
jured by the Midianite astrologer Sanbalat in the name of Baal to prepare his
cavalry and all his chariots; his pikemen; archers, and warriors; his terrible
engines of destruction and all his combined forces and troops which were as
a horde of locusts, to take up the sword and march out to war against Nebu-
chadnezzar, ruler of the Assyrians in Ninevah in Syria. Now this Nebuchadnez-
zar had built the walls around Ninevah with hewn stones six cubits wide and
twelve cubits long; he made the walls one hundred forty cubits high and one
hundred cubits wide; at the gates he had built towers two hundred cubits high
and one hundred twenty cubits wide at the foundations; and its gates it was
one hundred forty cubits high and eighty cubits wide, so that his armies could
march out in force and his infantry form their ranks. And the King Arphaxad
received this counsel, and said thus to him:
" T h u s saith the Great King, the lord of the whole earth: You will get thee
from mine presence, and mine precincts, and all mine dominions as far as my
hand will stretch, with no mount or steed, and only a heel of salted bread.
For it is said: He who will offer rash counsel to a king, let him answer for it."
And in the eighteenth year of the reign of Arphaxad, the Midianite astrol-
oger Sanbalat was taken from the prison -where he lay, and his ears struck off,
and his nose slit, and he was turned out into the wilderness.
But in the twentieth year of the reign of Arphaxad, the false priests of Baal
endeavored to strike down the King, and cast him from his throne, and destroy
him utterly. So it happened that the King passed into the ghetto of the city
Ecbatana, seeking aid from the people of the Israelites.
T h u s spoke the elder Joakim of the Israelites, the son of Merari, son of Ox,
who was the son of Mannasseh, who was the son of Merari, who loas the son
of Ox, who was the son of Mannasseh, who ivas the son of Merari, and so on,
until the time of Abraham:
" T h u s speaks Joakim of the Israelites to the King of the Medes: T h e great
God Jehovah, who smotest the hosts of Midian, and put them to the sword
to the last man-child; who destroyed Laish and Beth-Sharob, and slaughtered
all their inhabitants; who led the hosts of Israel to annihilate the people of
Dan and Beer-sheba, and exterminate them with steel and fire, and bathe
their feet in the blood of the slain; this Jehovah the merciful and compas-
sionate saith unto thee: King, arise and take from the people of Israel in
Ecbatana a certain woman JuYlith, and lie with her and conceive children upon
her, andfollow the written laws all the days of thy reign, and only in this way
wilt thee prosper."
So the King he arose, and found this Judith, daughter of Joakim, son of
Merari, son of Ox, who zuas the son of Mannasseh, who was the son of Merari,
who was the son of Ox, who wus the son of Mannasseh, who was the son of
Merari, and so on until the time of Abraham; and he took her to be his wife
in the twenty-fifth year of his reign. And on the eighth day of their marriage
he was taken to be circumcised. And on the sixty-third day he lay with her,
and had knowledge of her.
But it came to pass that on the day the King lay with the woman Judith
that she was even unclean, so the elder Joakim of the Israelites ordained a
blood sacrifice to take place. And he took the ram of ordination, and caused
the King to lay hands upon the head .of the ram. And Joakim killed it, and
took some of its blood and put it on the tip of the King's right ear, and on
the thumb of his right hand, and on the great toe of his right foot. T h e n he
took the fat, and the fat tail, and all the fat that was on the entrails, and the
appendage of the liver, and the two kidneys with their fat, and the right thigh;
and he put all these in the hands of the King, who swooned and became
ashen as a leper.
And as the King Arphaxad lay swooning on the floor of the temple, behold,
the hosts of Nebuchadnezzar, their infantry, chariots, cavalry, and all their
hosts, which were as a swarm of locusts led by Midianite astrologer Sanbalat,
entered through the great gates of the city Ecbatana and burned all the build-
ings that stood there, and slew every one who resisted him. But the hosts of
the Israelites he suffered to live, and dwell in Ninevah, where they passed
unmolested for years without number.

A . C. SPECTORSKY ivrite on, over, and out
RETURNING from an invigorating walk along the beach of St.
Croix, where he makes his winter home, Spec, or Augie to his
pals, prepares for his long day of editing by listening to records
("my favorites are the ones that have drum solos in them") and
baking bread. A firm believer in the renaissance man, Augie
likes to keep his hand in a lot of pies and is enrolled at the
University of Michigan,, where he takes television workshop,
modern dancing, and ecology. "I want to know all I can about
ecology because if we don't do something now, it might soon
be too late, and I'm studying television because technical
knowledge is always useful, and dancing, well, I guess I've
always just liked dancing." When not hitting the books and
posthumously editing PLAYDEAD, Spec liked to relax at the
student union and chat with some of his fellow students.
" T h e kids today are really so much more aware of everything
that's going on. It's really good to be dead." Our sentiments
exactly.
.'
WN
KEN P U R D Y auto maniac

IN THE PERIOD of time prior to Ken's personal blowout, Ken
enthusiastically liked to hike, play the guitar, listen to records,
and bake bread. "Doing things like that relaxes me and makes
me feel I'm getting back to the earth." Ken went back to the
earth for good this past June and seems to be enjoying it,
from what we can gather. Always one for relaxing au naturel
at his father's funeral parlor, Ken thinks that governments
should be more responsive to the needs of all of the people
and shouldn't have to resort to war to solve differences. And
he adds, "Meaningful dissent is important, but I don't think
86 it includes blowing up things and throwing bricks."

MODERN DYING
The Playdead Pad/R Tomb With a View

Presented on this page are plans for the ultimate in funeral From the heavy-duty iron doors through whose keyhole our
digs, an apres-vie retreat, which, in the opinion of the deadi- ghostly host issues forth to greet us, to the sunken necreation
tors, provides a fine and private place for the discriminating area where most of the moldering goes on, this mausoleum is
playbody with a penchant for post putrefaction. a monument to easy afterliving. As we enter, we note that
solid prestressed-concrete construction throughout protects our
postmortem companion both from a yegg in his bier and from
crypt-crashing maggots who might want to nosh in his kniche
(see Thomas Mario's Food For Worms, PLAYDEAD, November
1969).
Passing into the vault, we reflect on the good taste of this
forever chamber's ossuarial occupant in selecting a last-straw
bury-preserve that embodies so many of the amenities of the
good death, and frankly we're too polite to mention that his
chateau with an accent grave seems to have mausitosis. But the
catafalque hasn't got our tongue when it comes to commenting
on the charnucopia of posthumous possessables that litter his
litter, a testament to the grin-and-take-it-with-you attitude
which PLAYDEAD has long espoused (see The Playdead Necrol-
ogy, part 1, January, 1958; part 2, March, 1958; part 3, June,
1958; part 4, August, 1958; part 5, December, 1958; part 6,
February, 1959; part 7, May 1959; part 8, July, 1959; part 9,
(continued on page 336)
From the moment when he kicks the bucket (burnished cop-

"per with brass handles: $24.95, from Necrotics) until the last
trump sounds, the man with savo/r mourir will be on shroud
nine in the Playdead Circular Coffin. Amply proportioned, richly
appurtenanced, and lavishly accoutered.this Mama Cassket
has room for the carefree carcass and his sepulchritudinous
corpa delicta to peter out on their pall and stay merry as they
decay a deux in Seventh-Sealy-Posturepedic comfort. While
magic fingers massage the abra-cadavers, a cross-the-bar offers
a wide selection of exotic embalmables and an automatic eter-
nal sound system plays music to rot by, allowing our dead man-
in-the know and the nookie in his nook to turn into mulch in
tasteful entombment.
RENDERING BY IVAN LACHER

A HISTORY OF DEATH that European film makers, even in 1972,
still dominate the mort film market. Ger- Last Resorts
IN THE CINEMA many, which took an early lead in the (continued from page 56)
field in the thirties, remains, in title at is the Cote Funebre, whose narrow, dan-
(continued from page 45) least, the death capital of the world; and gerously winding roads make it the num-
Sharon T a t e in the Manson movies and German film-makers churn out literally ber-one slaughtering spot for the sports-
President Kennedy in the Zapruder film. hundreds of hard-corpse features each car-crazy jet-set.
Generally speaking, however, the year, varying in quality from monotonous Best known of the many cemeteries in
American movie industry has been very deathsploitation films and crude "dying the region is the quaint, overgrown
timid in treating on-camera death, and stag" movies to the poetic Everyone's burial-ground in St. Crapaud where Reg-
until the wave of D-rated films at the end Dead on the Eastern Front and this year's gie Autonome des Transports Parisiens,
of the sixties, the typical Hollywood film-festival entry, Massacre at Miinchen. the twenty-four-year-old heir to the
product shied away from showing rictus, In France, the nouvelle-morgue move- French subway fortune, was buried in
the death rattle, or even rigor mortis. ment contributed heavily to a new, more 1963 after he drove his Lotus Elan into
Traditionally, the scene shifted from the explicit treatment of death, and the very a lime tree on the Grande Corniche. T h e
deathbed to an absolutely glassy, smooth low quality, but in many ways revolution- trend towards St. Crapaud got an early
sea, a landscape of trees in a dead calm, ary, footage made in Algerian studios in boost when two members of cafe" society
or to dud firecrackers misfiring. the early sixties left a lasting impression who made the trip from Nice to attend
T h e morality responsible for this cine- on the French film industry. the funeral were killed in a collision just
matic timidity was based and, to the ex- Interestingly enough, it was in Algeria outside of town and were buried in the
tent that it remains in force today, still that many of the best film makers who same graveyard later that day.
is, on something of a double standard. later turned up in Vietnam to take ad- Unfortunately, the tide of fashion has
T h e same local officials who decry ne- vantage of the enormous creative explo- swept on, and at least a dozen bodies
crography at the local Loew's. can be sion occurring there received their first have been exhumed in the last two years
found down at the union or legion hall training. And, of course, in the last five and moved to more au courant diggeries.
on beer night watching "black" movies years Vietnam has become the biggest pro- Chief among these is the potter's field in
or slipping furtively into "weep show's." ducer of posthumous features. Fornicazzi di Cano, a tiny Italian hill
T h a t the atmosphere is changing for In terms of scope, the Vietnamese pro- town about fifty kilometers from the
the better there can be no doubt, but ductions don't compare with extrava- French border. But for those who don't
actors and actresses are still reluctant to ganzas like the Soviet classics, One Million mind breaking new ground, there are
appear totally unalive in movies, and Enemies of the State Buy the Collective several'less sought-after spots with more
even today, in the most frigid "cold Farm, and What. Ever Happened to Babi to recommend them.
parts" of major studio productions, lilies Yar?, and in popularity they can't com- Best of the smaller French cemeteries
obscure key areas of the body, drowned pete with the mass of "Carrion" films is Le Cimetiere of Notre Dame de 1'Addi-
bodies are always shown face down, and produced by British studios in Ireland tion in Lavez-les-Mains, a small, pleasant
scenes of hangings rarely display more (most recently, Carrion Catholic Chil- village about thirty kilometers west of
than the dangling legs. dren and Carrion Belfast Housewives), Cannes. T h e local undertakers are Le-
Therefore, it's not surprising to find (continued on page 234) Grand et Fils, and they have a well de-
served three-shovel rating from the pres-
tigious Mortchelin Guide. Insist on trying
the local embalming fluids. They tend to
be a little garlicky and quite filling, but
they make up in zest what they lack in
sophistication.
Incidentally, this is a good time to lay
to rest a few old tourist myths. French
graveyards are not full of worms, and the
ground water is perfectly acceptable. T h e
earth tends to be dryer and sandier in the
south of France, with a bouquet all its
own, but it is n o "dirtier" than the loam
that most American memorial parks use.
And those tales of French "pickcaskets"
are vastly exaggerated.
A word to the wise: most of the towns
in the Cote Funebre are located near
winding roads. It is best to book in ad-
vance during the summer season, when all
of France gets into cars made out of old
truffle-cans and drives into trees.
Last but not least are the miniscule
fishing villages of the eastern Mediter-
ranean coast. Best of these is Mal-de-Mer,
where a simple, no-fuss burial at sea can
be arranged for the equivalent of about
S40, including rental of motor launch.
But whatever your taste, you can be
assured that in the beautiful, bountiful
Cote Funebre, you'll find just the place
you're dying to be!
a
PLAYDEAD JAZZ PALL
ALL-STARRED BAND
LOUIS ARMSTRONG
trumpet
CHARLIE PARKER
alto sax

"Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know "I said, 'ashes to ashes,' Mr. Abernathy."
whether she's coming or going."
'I'm not paying. You said she was a virgin."

90

V
From their veryfirstalbum and perforjnanj
everyone l&iew something special was comi
4i
ment they've spread this year, f JcJ/l A
mm*'*
New On Columbia
Records and Tapes

WHAT'5 WE0N6 WITH ME? I UKEP 1 ONLY JUST THINK OF IAYSBF, 15
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HOW CDAAE I M WOTCRYIW£? TO FVT HIM IN "WE ©POUND -ALL I
1SHOUI-D BE CRYING CAN TV-INK CF15 M E /
92 NATIONAL LAMPOON
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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON at
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BROADCASTING VM, WE BRING YOU —
94 NATIONAL LAMPOON
M F YOU INSIST LORCJ TL.L ffELUCTANTlY PBTACH YOU.
BUT I PON'THAVE A SEP. THAT'S WHY YOU SLEEP IN MY
GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
NEVBRMINDTHB
BEP. WE'LL DO IT IN
THBCAKE/C/N&.
ZOUHOS
eRQOs/ee/
x ALWAYS
KNEW
you WERE A
HEEPEE .
ATHEART!
FRANKLY, LORP, I A M QUITE

CONCERNEP AS TO HOW THIS / I f / 1 / .
AFFECT YOUR POPULARITY.
X TOL0 YOUf IT WAS A PLOY SO T H A T N .

HE COULP SUPPER FOR US. HE HAS >
aesmreo HER PLESN IN A CHRISTMAS
SPECTACULAR/ THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.
v ANP HAVE A NAPPY HOUPAY.
'SERMONETTE" HAS BEEN BROUGHT

TO YOU 0Y THE AP05TOL/C COUNCIL
OF GREATER NEW YORK.

jfjUlB, YOU LOOK ATMB NOW/ X ffA0 MONEY A~J/B SPENT THZ.RF WAS THIS RICH 00 Cuy-
EVERY MORNING AT 6-00AM.
you MUWT KNOW XOMT& /f - T#qew /r A WAf. NERMAN- HAP A EN/NCj Foft I'D 5NEAK INTO R'S PUCE
W<?SES- I IWORKEP A DEAL ANP SiT QUIET WWLB H£
h/iTK N/M.J " MAKES OUT MTU MY NO$B.
H& Qor R-EAL ZXargo. if AFTER AWHILE RED HAVE f/AP

I'P R(\CE OUT AND $p£NP T0WHAT A (qRB^rr/M£! X
WAS AWFUL. ENOUGH AND HB'b PAY PAY SPENblNCf AND NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT
MB *IOO. FORGETTING;. ' TOMORROW. J
m WAS CfyZYClBVZR. LATER HEN]l\EE ALL rwSTUFF NEAT MORHINQ AT $-.00 HE

JONES CAUGHT THB ACT WD FIRST HE BOUOHT RED WINE,
-rv&erf/e^jsuces INTO y/i SHEARED INTO MERMAN'S
DECIDED TOMOVejM PEPPERCORNS BAY L£AF/ (utffy
A/0S£/ PQVRS rue Af/X INTO KITCHBN AND STQCK HIS
THE curt, AMD C///US NOSE ON Af/oT GRILL-
OVERNIGHT, fif,
ffetMAH SMELLS 8Uf>N/N6 By THE TIME X ARRIVE; JONES WAS IN AND1 k/AUut NOW CAN yOO FIGURE tr, A1ULE
fLESH, SPOTS JONES'SA/0$~e HERMAN'S MAPEA NEW DEA< A 6,UY CRAZy ENOUGH To
CREDITORS CLO$£l> IN, FRIENDS
AHP IS OVERCOME UM PASSION -EVEN (JPPEP W PRlce- LEFT COULDN'T EIND A JOB- WARINATB His OWN NOSE.
I NEVER COT ANOTHER, SmK-
rfrpANkS, BVDD/.
DE.UCATE HIPPO FART,

TASTEFULLY PRAWN BY
A SENSITIVE PROFESSIONAL
raDtjpOiOT-
A N OVERSTATEP
HIPPOPOTAMUS
FART Ch\\ TURN OFF
THE SENSITIVE REAPER.
" WHO NEEE>6> TfcUS
SH\T?>", HE O R SHE.
M A Y SAY.
£Y BRUCe COCHRAN
96 NATIONAL LAMPOON

You're surrounded by sound reasons for going 4 - channel now
Four channel isn't somebody's idea of the system, and two separate four-channel de- stereo a m p l i f i e r ( 2 5 + 2 5 W RMS), thanks to
future... it's happening now. For your four coding circuits. One is for SQ: and one is Double-Stacked Differential circuitry.
channel pleasure there are more than 100 for all the other matrix systems on the mar- FM reception is superb: 2.2/iV IHF sen-
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quad 8 tapes and a rapidly growing number channel sound from discs (or tape with a stereo, four-channel, or even monophonic.
of four channel broadcasts. quadraphonic player deck). Or enjoy stereo The Sony SQR-6650 costs hardly more
And now there's a quality receiver that or derived four channel sound from stereo than stereo receivers of comparable facil-
brings you all of these (plus regular stereo) broadcasts and recordings. ities and specifications, $329.50*. Enjoy
and it doesn't cost a fortune. It's the new The SQR-6650 is ideal for stereo. Flick 4-channel now. It's ready at your Sony
Sony SQR-6650, sitting up there winking a switch and the 4-channel, 32 watt (RMS dealer. Sony Corp. of America, 47-47 Van
its four D'Arsonval meters at you. at 8 ohms) amplifier becomes a 50-watt Dam Street, Long Island City, N.Y. 11101.
It has everything you need: F M , A M , four * Suggested retail price.
power amplifiers, simplified controls in-
cluding 4 VU meters for balancing your SONY 6 6 5 0 4-channel receiver
Theq Only Come OufAf Niojtf
-SsL.,
^ P S
•ê^
Jt*
(^
Produced by
Pick Derringer
: Epic Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

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The Adventures of Deadman Playdead Magazine

Last-Aid Kit Suicide Letters to Santa

JAN.1973, THE HUMOR MAGAZINE 75 CENTS

An acoustic achievement destined

New Series R Speaker Systems

Could Psychology Today Criminals Can Be Brainwashed—Now

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live great rep

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TEREO Then he asked me if I wore dentures.

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