National Lampoon v1n19 1971-10 - Back-to-School

Parody Campus War Game Free Diploma
r*
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School of Hard Sell, 29
By George W. S. Trow and Michael O'Donoghue
Hire the Handicapped, 34
By Rodrigues
Right On! The Campus War Game, 36
By Michel Choquette, Anne Beatts, and Sean Kelly
MAD Parody, 43
By John Boni, Sean Kelly, and Henry Beard
Going Back, 58
By Michel Choquette and Anne Beatts
Magical Misery Tour, 63
By Michael O'Donoghue
The Final Seconds, 69
By Tony Hendra
125th Street, 74
By Anne Beatts and Michel Choquette
Free Diploma, 80
jUq Editorial, 4
* S Letters, 6
O Mrs. Agnew's Diary, 14
g^ News of the Month, 18
2 3 Foto Funnies, 41,42
W
Coming Next Month, 80
NATIONAL LAMPOON® MAGAZINE: "National Lampoon" is a registered
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permission of the Harvard Lampoon, Inc. Copyright © 1971 National Lampoon,
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may be reprinted in whole or in part without written permission from the
publisher. Any similarity to real people and places in fiction and semi-fiction
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WHO CAN BEAT NIXON ?
That's the challenge of the new WHO CAN BEAT NIXON game. Great for home parties,
gifts for your political-oriented friends. You'll have a lot of fun getting ready for your
own primaries and then the final battle with one challenger against President Nixon for
the 1972 presidential sweepstakes.
Play . . . W H O CAN BEAT NIXON is full of like CABINET SHAKE-UP, KICKBACK

Sen. George McGovern pitfalls—for everybody. You'll land on SCANDAL, and CREDIBILITY GAP
Sen. Edward Kennedy various states and buy their electoral make the going heavy. There's a place
Sen. Edmund Muskie votes, if you have enough money and for PEACE, too, but only Nixon wins
Sen. Hubert H. Humphrey media support, AND if the state isn't an Eastern state when he lands there!
Mayor J o h n Lindsay pre-empted by the "home state" prin- W H O CAN BEAT NIXON is an ex-
Gov. George Wallace ciple. citing, stimulating, fun-filled game, ex-
or W H O CAN BEAT NIXON allows you asperating and rewarding as a real-life
President Nixon himself! to draw MEDIA cards, and you and the campaign! It isn't rigid . . . you can
other candidates can be awarded—or change the game to suit your own ideas
W H O CAN BEAT NIXON is a con- punished —by fictitious endorsements of of how a campaign should go —just by
test for up to seven challengers against the press. You also draw EVENT filling out the additional blank MEDIA
Richard M. Nixon for the Presidency of cards—and just as in real life your fate and EVENT cards to fit your special
the United States. To win, the challenger is decided by the course of these events. interests and concerns.
or Nixon must be the first to gain 270 In the EVENT deck are PRIMARY W H O CAN BEAT NIXON can be
electoral votes of the 538 cast by the cards. These precipitate contests that ordered now by filling out the coupon
state electoral colleges. Players obtain eliminate contenders as the campaign on this page! It will be yours —to test
electoral votes by a combination of draws to a close. Nixon, naturally, can't your political prowess —and luck —in
money, media points, and the be eliminated by PRIMARY cards, but a matter of two to three weeks.
luck of the dice. he does run into special problems cre-
ated by the MEDIA and EVENT cards, FULL-SIZE F O U R C O L O R
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Penalties set at places
OVER 30,000 G A M E S
IN PRINT!

Letter from the Editor
It seems that every newspaper you pick up nowadays is bellyaching about
the state of our colleges, and I, for one, fail to see where they get off-
printing that trash in the light of the true facts. I've listed a few campus
traditions below along with how these very traditions, except for minor
details, are being carried on by today's students. Once you've read them,
I'm sure you'll agree that the Class of '72 kids are the same madcap
cutups their parents were when they short-sheeted the prexie's bed.
Bonfires After the Game
Still as popular as ever! Lobbing a few Molotov cocktails into the local
bank usually does the job, saving all the bother and tedium of scrounging
for firewood.
Secret Societies
And how! Unlike the rather transparent organizations of yesteryear,
Editor
many contemporary societies are so secret that even the F.B.I, is unable
Douglas C. Kenney
to pinpoint their activities.
Executive Editor
Flagpole Sitting Henry N. Beard
With the addition of a Vietcong flag, what used to be merely a matter
Art Director
of balance and endurance has become a thrill-packed sport as participants Michael Gross
dodge projectiles hurled by enraged hard-hats.
Contributing Editors
Stuffing Phone Booths
Michael O'Donoghue
While tending to shun cramming into phone booths and Volkswagens George W. S. Trow
per se, a recent confrontation at the Pentagon resulted in no less than Michel Choquette
fifty-one collegians squeezing into a somewhat smallish police wagon, Anne Beatts
Sean Kelly
perhaps a new record.
Tony Hendra
Class Rivalry John Boni
Gone is all that boring frosh vs. soph business! Today's competition be- Terry Catchpole
tween the proletariat and the ruling class is, if anything, even keener, Christopher Cerf
with many students openly advocating a "class war." Sports Editor
Homecoming Queens John Weidman
Virtually unchanged save for the advent of the Gay Liberation Front. Associate Editor (Great Britain)
Admittedly, before the big game, it may be a trifle disconcerting for the J. Dudley Flshburn
"oldsters" to see the star halfback, astride a float, decked out in a bias-cut, Copy Editor
pink faille sheath dress with matching open-toed sling-backs and a smart Idie Meg Emery
wrist corsage. Assistant Art Director
Dribbling Basketballs Across Country Ellen S. Taurins
Nothing new here, as draft-eligible males not only dribble basketballs Editorial Assistant
across our country but right over the border into another one—Canada! Sheila Goldfarb
At this time, however, no one has seen fit to dribble back. Production Manager
Swallowing Goldfish Roberta Kaman
Needless to say, deeply felt ecological concern combined with a near Stylist
Christlike regard for life itself would rule out swallowing actual goldfish. Linda Sampson
A substitute has been found, fortunately, and the current champion Subscription Manager
soundly trounced all contenders by downing 11 tabs of mescaline, 23 Howard Jurofsky
magic mushrooms, 17,000 morning-glory seeds, 3 roaches, 9 Dexamyl Circulation Director
spansules, 1 Nembutal, 4 Tuinals, a generous handful of belladonna Alexander Turkish
berries, and slightly over 40,000 milligrams of STP. Publisher
Leonard Mogel
By this time, you're probably muttering, "They can take that 'gen-
eration gap' guff and knock it into a cocked hat!" And right you are!
The National Lampoon, Inc. is a sub-
All those "The Crisis of Our Campuses" headlines are, in the main, noth- sidiary of Twenty First Century Communi-
ing more than a pathetic attempt by the unscrupulous tabloid biz to boost cations, Inc.
flagging circulation. The facts speak for themselves far more eloquently
Matty Simmons, Chairman
than anything I might add.—MO'D
Leonard Mogel, President
George Agoglia, Vice-President
Cover: This month's cover is the result of teamwork, pure and simple,
Gerald L. Taylor, Vice-President, Sales
and we'd like to take this opportunity to tip our hats to a few of the
forgotten men who make covers like this possible: Mike O'Donoghue New York: Bob Aaronson, Advertising Di-
had the original "brainstorm," and NatLamp design honcho Mike Gross rector, National Lampoon, 635 Madison
Avenue, New York, N. Y. 10022, (212)
gets an assist for a strong follow-through; Dick Hess, perennial high- 688-4070. Chicago: William H. Sanke,
scoring penster, inked the drawing, and Bob Pike, who is being traded Western Advertising Manager, National
to Elmira College for a tripod and some F-stops^ came through with Lampoon, 645 North Michigan Ave., Chi-
some nice camerawork in the third quarter; Art Director's Workshop put cago, III. 60611, (312) 337-7625. West
Coast: Dick Thompson, Zander, Cough-
together a 2 on 1 silkscreen, and Ellen Taurins, playing in the cleanup
lin and Thompson, Inc., 22 Battery
spot, came up with the big gun (a Bostitch Stapomatic) in the final minutes Street, San Francisco, Calif. 94111,
to sort of wrap things up. Good work, all of you! (415) 398-4444,

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Dear Walt: I'm sure you won't print this, and, if
Outfoxed again, you devil! My turn: you do, you'll probably misspell my
What is the difference between a cat and name. It's F-R-I-S-B-Y. That's with a
a comma? "Y," not an "E-E."
Philip, Duke of Edinburgh Dobson Frisbee
Buckingha.m Palace Salad Forks, Minn.
London
Dear Sir: Gentlemen,
If some morning we wake up and find Please send me posthaste a sample of
that there's only one kind of ice cream your remarkable product which you have
in all the stores and long lines for pork advertised extensively as being capable
chops and m a n d a t o r y marijuana injec- of ridding even the most redolent domi-
tions and no more nylon and the ham- cile of the ill you describe as "housi-
Dear Phil: mer-and-bicycle flying from the Statue
Why did the little moron take off his tosis."
of Liberty, we'll know who to thank! Roderick Usher
kneecap?
Ralph Putrillo Usher Manor, Pa.
Hon. Walter Annenberg
Sun Beach, Calif.
U.S. Embassy
London Dear Sirs: Deer Citty Slikkers,
You know what I say? I say, go to If you luk insied this note, you wil
Deal Walt: hell you rotten bums, that's what I say. fined an important bottel!
I give up—why did he take off his Bill Morola The Old Switcheroo
kneecap? Freon Park, N . J . Penobscot, Me.
Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
Buckingham Palace Gentlemen:
London Dear Editors, So that's why. All right, the hell with
You think you're so smart? O.K., if it. By the way, I noticed you misspelled
Dear Phil: you think you're so smart, why aren't
m y name as I thought you would. It's
To see if there was any beer in the you the head of the Sales Department F-R-I-S-B-Y. That's from the Norse,
joint! over here at Standard Faucet like George
Tuna? Well? Answer m e that. I dare and it means "he who brought the whisk
Hon. Walter Annenberg broom." F-R-I-S-B-E-E is a kind of toy.
you to print this.
U.S. Embassy Dobson Frisbee
London George T u n a Salad Forks, Minn.
Condom, Ohio
Gentlemen: Sirs:
You know what I think? I think you How much wood could a woodchuck
chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck
Making love guys are sick, that's what I think.
Tony Quent wood?
is your Barabbas, Tex. Sincerely,
Herbert Marcuse
business. San Francisco, Calif.
Dear Sirs:
Keeping it Hey, how about a spoof on shaving- Sirs:
private cream cans? You know the way too
much shaving cream always comes out
This time you have gone too far. Free-
i is ours. and when you get to the end there isn't
dom of speech does not imply the right
to print "fuck" in a crowded magazine.
Whether you live in a big city with its enough air left in the can, and it just
kind of sputters? Sincerely,
crowded drugstores, or in a small town Oliver Wendell Holmes
where people know each other so well, Roger Sendow
obtaining male contraceptives without Washington, D.C.
Fort Beaver, B.C.
embarrassment can be a problem.
Now, Population Planning Associates Sirs:
has solved the problem . . . by offering Gentlemen: I am seeking an unbiased opinion.
reliable, famous-brand male contra- You know what gets under my skin? Which do you prefer: Bob or Bobby?
ceptives through the privacy of the Pocket fluff. You could really do a good Mr. Robert Darin
mail. Popular brands like Trojan and parody of pocket fluff, and I know a lot Hollywood, Calif.
Sultan. Exciting British imports... the of other people feel the same way I do.
Fetherlite and the NuForm...available Dave Horst Sirs:
nowhere else. And many more. All are Slowville, Va.
electronically tested and meet rigorous I overheard this one the other day,
government standards of reliability. and have been telling it so much lately
Dear Sir:
We'll be glad to send you our free il- that my husband suggested I send it in
I fink, therefore I am.
lustrated brochure which describes the to a magazine. He was joking, of course,
Sidney Zion
products and services that we have but I figured . . . why not? (The joke is
New York, N.Y.
been bringing to 10,000 regular cus- just a little racy, however, so I would
tomers for nearly two years. Or send Gentlemen: appreciate it if you wouldn't give out
just $3 for a sampler of a dozen con- I imagine you get hundreds of inter- my name.)
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described above — plus our brochure. esting, informative, and thought-provok- M O T T O ON B A T H R O O M WALL:
Money back if not delighted! ing letters from your readers each month. THAT'S T H E WAY T H E
For free brochure or $3 sampler Why don't you print them instead of SPANISH FLY!
mailed in plain package, write: running juvenile "parody" letters with Terrific, wasn't it? I know where I can
Population Planning Associates, Dept. C-8
fanciful plans to end the war, unlikely get a million just like it if you want them.
105 No. Columbia, Chapel Hill, N.C. 27514 hate letters, "joke" junk mail, and fake Martha Mitchell
love letters? Washington, D.C.

Dear ,
®M3MQS
Thank you for letting us see your
manuscript, The Sensuous .
We regret, however, that it does not
mm
meet our needs at the present time.
Lyle Stuart, Publisher
New York, N.Y.
Sirs:
You guys probably never heard of
me on account of I play defensive right
end for the Oakland Raiders and I
wouldn't expect a bunch of phony Ivy
JUNE, 1970/BLIGHT: With Sludge Magazine, Beauty Tips for Mutants, Our Threatened Nazis, Jean
League intellectual assholes like you to Shepherd's S.P.L.A.T., Mort Gerberg's Pollutionland, and Michael O'Donoghue's Extinction Game.
know a goddamn thing about football.
JULY, 1970/BAD TASTE: Don't miss The Liz Taylor and Richard Burton Gift Catalogue, the Special
Anyway, around our locker room your Mediocrity Supplement, A Photographer's Guide to Art and Pornography, and the Most Tasteless
"magazine" ("piece of shit" is more like Article Ever Printed!
it) is about as popular as a brain tumor. AUGUST, 1970/PARANOIA: What would America be like as a second-rate power? Read We're Only
The way you four-eyed, smart-assed Number Two. Also, a Paranoia Map of the World, Is Nixon Dead? (well, is he?) and The Secret of
mental cripples dump all over our most San Clemente.
sacred institutions is enough to make SEPTEMBER, 1970/SHOW BIZ: Get your mezzanine seats now for the MGM Blackmail Auction,
Screen Slime Magazine, Raquel Welch Laid Bare, Diary of a New Left Starlet, and College Concert
me want to puke, and is probably trader- Comix!
ous to our country, too. After talking NOVEMBER, 1970/NOSTALGIA: A spin out on Memory Lane. Read reminiscences by Jean Shepherd;
about this over a few beers last night, the 1896 Sears, Roebuck Sex Catalogue; The Fifties: A Special Section; 1936: A Space Odyssey;
me and some of the guys on the team and The Death Song Game.
that still love America decided we would DECEMBER, 1970/CHRISTMAS: Prepare now for the next ghastly hollydaze with Gahan Wilson's
come to your office on our next trip to Xmas Horrors, The Santology Handbook, I Remember Jesus, and Tricia and the Prince Comics.
the Big Apple and maybe tapdance on JANUARY, 1971/WOMEN'S LIBERATION: Combat the Pink Peril with the Women's Lib Naughty
Pinup Calendar, the Anti-Sexist Children's Book, a special Cosmopolitan Parody, and the expur-
your temples. Would Monday, October gated best seller. . . The Censorless Woman!
18, at 3:00 be okay?
FEBRUARY, 1971/HEAD ISSUE: Learn the mind-expanding powers of Kitty Litter in Michael
Ben Davidson O'Donoghue's Bummers, the Natlamp Special Stoned Section, Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha Clas-
Oakland, California sic Comic, Madison Avenue, Marijuana Packs, and the 1971 Rolling Stone parody ("Mozart, We'll
Miss You!")!
Dear Abby: MARCH, 1971/CULTURE: Tote that tome and lift that pinkie with Michael O'Donoghue's How to
I have a problem with a tattoo. You Write Good, The Gracie Slick Handbook of Radical Dos & Don'ts, The Undiscovered Notebooks
of Leonardo da Vinci, The Mantovanl Strain, and The Life and Times of Captain Bringdown.
see, my last boyfriend insisted that I APRIL, 1971/ADVENTURE: Good God, Professor, it's . . . it's . . . Derby Dames on Parade, Tarzan
have his name tattooed on my tummy of the Cows, Real Balls Adventure Magazine, The Philosopher Detective, The Great American
in order to "prove that I loved him." Cereal Box, and free Booblegum Cards.
Now my new boyfriend wants to "do MAY, 1971/THE FUTURE: Hop into our steam-powered Time Trolley and stumble backward into the
it," but I am afraid of his reaction when World of Tomorrow. You'll be delighted that you won't live to see: the Zero Gravity Sex Manual
he sees my tattoo. I have tried to re- (The NASA Sutra), Time Warp Comics, the Special Pull-Out " I f " Section, the 1906 National Lampoon,
Attack of the 90-Foot Macrobes, and Toilets of the Extraterrestrials.
move it, using everything from Oxydol
JUNE, 1971/RELIGION: Listen, it's getting to be a real pain in the ass coming up with kicky lead-ins
(with green crystals) to Nair with Cocoa to stuff like Natlamp's Inferno, Magic Made E-Z, The Prophet by Kahili Gibrjsh, I Dreamed I Was
Butter, but to no avail. I have put my There In Overdose Heaven, and Buckminster Fuller-Charles Reich-Marshall McCluhan-Kate Millett
boyfriend off up until now, but he is Utopia Four Comix.
beginning to suspect that I'm "not that JULY, 1971/PORNOGRAPHY: Get it up, off, and out of your system with My Secret Life by David
kind of girl," and if he spreads that Eisenhower, The Breast Game, Dirty Dick & Jane, Filthy Sherlock Holmes, Are You a Homo? and
around you can imagine what it will Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (Aren't You Sorry You Asked?).
AUGUST, 1971/BUMMER: Have a bad trip without illegal substances with Defeat Comics, Welfare
do to my reputation. Have you any Monopoly, the Special Canadian Supplement, and Right On!, the flick Jane Fonda was making
ideas? while you thought she was working for the revolution.
Signed, SEPTEMBER, 1971/KIDS: Visit Eloise at the Hotel Dixee, meet high adventure with the Hardy
14 and worried, Boys, laugh along with Children's Letters to the Gestapo, and test your wits with Commander
Barkfeather's spicy rebuses.
Clasmy, Tex.
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SEPTEMBER, 1970 JUNE, 1971
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the way, although I really don't think
that toothpaste is all that less expensive
—and the boys chitchatted about the
secret escape tunnel that Dick was build-
ing between San Clemente and San
Diego for the 1972 Convention when the
hippies find out Mr. Ky's last shipment
of you-know-what is mostly talcum pow-
der and baking soda. John said not to
worry because if things got "hairy," they
could count on a strike to settle every-
thing once and for all. I must say, dear
Diary, that that puzzled me because I
knew that Dick had been quite angry
Dear Diary, Kissinger, then they'd have to run every about the last rail strike and how an-
I hope you will not be miffed at the virgin in Washington over fourteen other one might keep the delegates from
peculiar letterhead on this stationery, through a vegamatic just to be on the coming on time. Martha just shook her
and I suppose you may have already safe side. Well, needless to say, Hank head and laughed (she had been sam-
guessed that it really isn't stationery got mad and said something about Spig- pling my assortment of New York State
at all, but ever since that awful Pentagon gy's unusual taste in after-shave lotion, 6ooking sherrys and hadn't really gotten
Papers mess, Spiggy has made a com- and Spiggy said something about declas- around to helping with the party snacks
plete pest of himself, tearing up every sifying the blood test Hank took after yet) and said no, silly, it wasn't a strike
piece of loose paper in the house into he spent the evening with Chou En-lai's for the delegates, it was for the hippies,
little teeny bits. Already this week I'm Pekingese. Then the fur started to fly. and it wasn't going to be a rail strike,
missing two patterns for winter muu- As usual, Spiggy's sense of humor only but an air strike. Then John, who had
muus and a recipe from the Post for got us in hot water because the next overheard the conversation from the
fried-egg sandwiches that sounded abso- day a man came to the house to install rumpus room, laughed and said and
lutely deelish! one of those mechanical paper shred- what's more, it won't cost the taxpayers
ders. Then he gave me a note from Dick one red cent because if the test pilots
It's all Dick's fault, really, dear Diary,
for Spiggy, saying if Spiggy left so much at Lockheed didn't owe Dick a good
because he called Spiggy and the rest of
as shirt cardboard lying around where turn, then who did?
the boys "on the carpet" after that flap
some Commie homo kike could find it,
and gave them what for for not properly
the only official documents he'd get to
declassifying (i.e. tearing into little teeny Then the talk drifted to how mad
handle would be parking tickets.
bits) everything that passed through their Chiang Kai-shek was when he found out
hands. Just then, Spiggy says he made Well, dear Diary, the shredder was about Hank's trip to Red Communist
a joke about how if that included Hank fine for coleslaw, but it kind of gagged China. John said he got the first call and
and made rumbly sounds on the carrots told Mr. Kai-shek that Dick was busy
and stopped dead, so I sold it to that and couldn't talk to him now, but could
nice Chinaman superintendent who he have the shirts ready by Monday?
Feeling Poor? Get comes around every day to empty the Then, the next time he called, Mr. Kai-
wastebaskets and clean the microphones. shek was even madder because he just
TBEFOOD STAMP It was a piece of luck because he said
he'd been looking for one of these ever
found out that his nephew had been told
that there had been a misprint on his col-
GOURMET since he got off the submarine in '58,
and was going to surprise his little boy
with it for Christmas. I must confess,
lege acceptance certificate and his schol-
arship would have to be transferred from
Harvard to Kent State. John said Mr.
dear Diary, that his check found its way Kai-shek started saying what sounded
to the Famous Writers School, where like terrible things in chink talk so he
I've gotten a little behind in my tuition put him on "hold." An hour later, when
payments of late. But my kitchen insink- John picked up the phone to call Martha,
erator works just as well for declassify- Mr. Kai-shek was still saying those ter-
ing secret documents, including those rible things. John said it would have
nasty letters from Mr. Cerf's collection been hysterical if we weren't picking up
agency threatening to tell Spiggy where the tab for his long-distance calls al-
the grocery money has been going. ready. Then Spiggy said that's nothing,
when that little squint pig got me on the
Men! phone, I just told him to uncork a bottle
Anyway, last night, of course, was of rice wine, sit back, and Taiwan on.
our monthly card party with Pat and Get it? Taiwan on? Then I told the op-
Dick and John and Martha and Hank erator to reverse the charges and hung
Kissinger and you-know-who. (I hope up.
you will understand, dear Diary, why I
have never committed the actual name Spiggy, dear Diary, is such a card.
Patrician Eating on of Hank's . . . overnight friend to paper, Finally the hors d'oeuvres were ready
A Proletarian Budget but if it ever got out, there would be (quite tasty, too! Pat brought us all house
quite a stink and God only knows that presents of Bon Vivant delicacies she
Mr. Lodge has troubles enough without picked up for a song from a warehouse
50 brilliant pages by Wm Brown, pro- having his problem plastered all over the clearance!), and the usual bickering be-
fusely illustrated by Gilbert Shelton and front page.) gan whether to play Old Maid or G o
Greg Irons. $ 1.50 at your book store or Fish. As usual, too, everybody wanted
write: BELLEROPHON BOOKS I do believe, dear Diary, that it is a
sickness, not a crime. to play Go Fish, but Spiggy started to
153 Steuart Street, San Francisco whine and I said all right, all right, just
Pat and Martha and I scooted into
the kitchen for some girl talk while we put your shoes and socks back on and
fixed the dip—a new idea of Pat's, by get off the floor. Everybody was in a
14
perky mood including even Pat, who Dick cashes in they'll put his puss on a
has a terrific sweet tooth and had only coin that's 20 percent silver, 40 percent
that day discovered that they make an copper, and 40 percent cottage cheese,
orange-flavored chapstick. I don't think ho ho, give me your nines. Dick smiled,
I've seen her so happy since the day that but I noticed that he gave Hank a little
Onassis tramp came to the White House kick under the table, and Hank said if
to pick up some of her hoity-toity antique they ever make one for Spiggy they'll be
sculptures and Pat told her that the Girl worth their weight in gold because any
Scouts had already picked everything coin with every word misspelled is bound
up and made them into planters. to be a collector's item, hee hee. Well,
As we played, I noticed that Spiggy this time I really put my foot down and
was giving Hank funny sidelong glances, made Spiggy turn the card table back
and I realized that he might still be car- over because he was making a mess and
rying a grudge from that day in Dick's Dick made a conciliatory (it pays to in-
office. My fears were confirmed when crease your word power!) joke about the
Spiggy started making cracks to Hank criminal mentality. John said speaking
about his trip to China, like do they of criminal mentalities, several million Would you buy a new
really take American Express at those of them are going to get the vote in '72
way-out massage parlors, give me your and we'd better get cracking, because tee shirt with this used
fours. (Spiggy was still prickly about when that tunnel gets filled in after the man's picture on it?
Dick giving Hank an American Express convention it'll only hold about 700,000 Check box(es) below for desired item(s) and
card on the company for his trip. All or so. Just then Hank blinked his eyes underline color. Price includes all state and local
Spiggy got for his was a big roll of bills and said not to worry because he'd taxes and all handling charges. Make check or
with a twenty wrapped around the out- picked up some ideas on his trip from money order payable to:
side and a lot of ones on the inside.) the way Chou handled the Red Guard. TACTION 23B montgomery st. suite 1515
Hank shot a look at Spiggy over his Maybe a good way to start, he said, was X X RT, inc. san francisco. California 94104
cards and said hey Spiggy that's quite a if Dick had a little red book made up
• Tee shirts (white only) $3.00 each. S.M.L.
tan you picked up on your trip, but of some of his sayings. Then they could D Tank-tops ( navy) $4.50 each. S.M.L.
you're back now so why waste all that see if the Supreme Court would let them • Sweatshirts (white, cinnamon, light blue,
salad oil on that beak of yours, give me use Dick's sayings instead of the pledge navy) $6.00 each. S.M.L.
your fives, ha ha. Spiggy made a face of allegiance, which was getting sort of Name
and said that Hank had forgotten to give out of date anyway. Dick smiled and
him his cards this time and was he try- said that he had had exactly the same Address
ing to deal him out of the game? Hank idea himself, and, as a matter of fact, City.
laughed and said hell no, I don't have he had been making little jottings in a
them but it wouldn't hurt to give John notebook lately of his thoughts for just State Zip
Connally a call, heh heh, give me your that reason. He took out a little spiral Dealer inquiries welcome. (please print)
sevens. notebook with some penciling in it and
asked us if we'd like to be the first to
Well, I decided to sit out a hand and hear some of his thoughts and of course
change the subject (I noticed John had we all said yes yes. Dick turned a little
slipped the old maid into Dick's sock pink and cleared his throat and said
anyway), so I showed Pat some of the well here's one I think is sort of on the
* *
souvenirs we picked up in Spain, par- beam: When going to the laundry, the
ticularly the funny little miniature head foolish man does not ask for heavy
of an actual Communist set in a plastic starch. On the other hand, the wise man
?
cube that that nice Mr. Franco gave to does ask for heavy starch because his RIGHT W I N G
Spiggy as a paperweight. Pat said it was shirt can be worn several times longer PARAMILITARY
very nice and would I care for a chap- due to it's added stiffness at the collars
stick but Hank cut in again and said and cuffs and still present a fresh, neat
that it was just a piece of cheap tourist appearance to employer and fellow em-
FASCIST
junk and when he was in Peking he got ployees alike. Dick stopped and cleared and proud.J
to watch as they spray-painted Mao for his throat again and looked a little shy
the diplomatic banquet. Right then Dick and asked if we'd like to hear another.
woke up and giggled. Spiggy's ears got
ôf it!
red and he said speaking of state secrets, OR PERHAPS A
Well, there was a bit of nervous "LEFT WING COMMIE
it's a good thing that Ellsberg didn't get
coughing and people sort of shifted in OR MAYBE A ANARCHIST"
a hold of the taxidermist's estimate to
their seats waiting for somebody to
work over Pat's body for the '68 in- "CREDIT CARD CARRY-
speak, but I kept remembering Thump- INC CAPITALIST RIG"
auguration. Well, Dick stood up and 0R A
er's words to Bambi, which are, if you
everybody started shouting and I thought "ROT HEADED RINKO
can't say something nice, don't say any-
there was going to be Trouble, when a OR EVEN A REACEFREAK"
thing at all. Luckily, however, the phone
crash from the kitchen reminded us that
rang and Spiggy picked it up, chuckled, "MIDDLE OF THE
Martha was still in there sampling. By
and gave it to Dick saying it was some ROAD MILQUETOAST"
the time Pat and I got her cleaned up
chink who says he's been trying to reach
and John put her on the daybed in the
you all day. SAY IT LOUD WITH THESE 3 " DIAMETER
laundry room, everybody had simmered
BUTTONS IN PATRIOTIC RED, WHITE and BLUE!
down, and Dick had even taken the op- From Dick's face as he listened, dear
portunity to stick the old maid into a Diary, it was plain to me that Mr. Kai-
pleat in John's trousers. shek had never even heard of Thumper.
*8S SONLY $2£°
M!
All for now, 'J™'" "° BOX 1 5 7
T h e party's mood turned gayer and TT T U T T i • GWYNEDD.PA.
everybody talked about the new Eisen- - I LIT iiy.inC. 13/4-36
hower silver dollar and Spiggy said when
15
BOUND
TO PLEASE
Ho ho . . . bound to please. Get it?
Hee hee.
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until the reappearance of Haley's
comet), you can purchase this nifty
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C.
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E Jr. *
•5 - a> </»
film
Hi in 0) o
_ E O
16

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PSYCHOLOGY TODAY:
The Grim Generation Is Man a Machine?
Does ESP Exist? The Nudity Explosion
Learning Under Drugs Who Will Help in a Crisis?
Is Suicide a Human Right? Dangers of Group Therapy
Are Leaders Made or Born? Are I.Q. Tests Intelligent?
Impulse, Aggression & the Gun Memory's Molecular Maze
Homosexuality Reconsidered Can We Immunize the Weak?
The Sickness of Corporations Nudity in Group Therapy
Hiding from Big Brother A Conversation with Masters
Adult Play Therapy & Johnson
Love & Will The White Race and Its Heroes
The Mentally Retarded Child Breast Feeding
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dilemmas. That would truly be throwing
out the goose that laid the golden egg
with the bath water!
From a purely military standpoint of
recruiting and maintaining a stable all-
volunteer force at an acceptable cost,
the institutionalization of heroin or other
hard-drug addiction would clearly pro-
vide a positive plus in the three key areas
of manpower acquisition, manpower uti-
lization and control, and manpower re-
tention. Right from the first, under the
heading of manpower acquisition, the
benefits are immediate and inarguable.
The ready availability of a secure source
of hard drugs of assured potency at little
or no cost, a situation which is totally
impossible in the civilian sector, should
automatically guarantee a base enlist-
ment rate close to that necessary to main-
In regard to the sodomy charges brought pages 2 and 3 of a seven-page study and tain desired force levels. Our best esti-
against cartoonist and right-wing politi- carries the classification T O P SECRET. mates indicate that in fiscal 1971, 600,-
cal activist Al Capp, we're willing to bet 000 individuals, more than 80 percent
We must of course protect the anonymity
of them males, entered the addiction
our bottom dollar it's a bum rap, and of the person or persons who supplied
pool. Even allowing for a 66 percent
we hope he doesn't turn the other cheek us with it, and so we are obviously not nonavailability rate due to rejection for
or take it sitting down. N o buts about in a position to comment on reports physical or mental reasons, disinterest,
it—Mr. Capp is well-known for his rec- that in an interview taped last week at however unlikely, in the Army option,
titude, and we can only assume that his home in Cambridge, Dr. Daniel Ells- or premature death, an annual man-
someone who doesn't like his stern views berg identified Sidney Zion as the source: power availability of close to 200,000
has chosen this back-door route to char- . . . as a problem, but rather as an op- men remains.
acter assassination. portunity. It would be indeed unfortunate
if in our haste to eradicate what conven- It should be stressed that the individ-
The following fragment of a Department tional wisdom teaches us is an evil, we uals likely to be attracted would need
of Defense document recently came into were to overlook what may in fact prove few of the more expensive inducements
our possession. The fragment comprises to be the solution to a whole series of now planned, including high pay levels,
to regard the Army an attractive option,
and that these individuals would be for
the most part precisely those whom so-
ciety is most anxious to contribute to
the Army. It is true, of course, that this
manpower pool would be predominantly
nonwhite, but the Department has long
been reconciled to this eventuality. It
should be further noted, however, that
the number of Caucasian addicts is in-
creasing rapidly, and that the lure of
drugs as a "cool thing" can be counted
on to attract many of the so-called "dis-
enchanted middle-class youth" whose
unstable natures have contributed to
civilian-control problems in the past and
whom, again, society would not com-
plain of losing.
Whether as a practical matter local

recruiters could be authorized to pro-
vide limited supplies of drugs as part
of their "selling job" would, of course,
have some bearing on the number of
men likely to become available. Adop-
tion of a fairly frank advertising cam-
paign utilizing slogans like "Roll up your
sleeves and join the new Action Army"
and "If you have a monkey on your
back, wear it proudly" could also con-
tribute to maximum manpower attrac-
tion.
In this regard, the potential dis-
taste among the general public to such
a campaign might well be allayed by a
"I Think We're All Bozos on This Bus." parallel campaign aimed at gut issues,
The Firesign Theatre. On Columbia Records-? and Tapes perhaps featuring a depiction of an elder-
6 " C 0 L U M B U . " S | M A R C A $ REG. PRINIEOIN U.S.A.
ly lady being assaulted by a nonwhite

male with the slogan: "Wouldn't you
rather he were mugging a Vietcong?"
In the second area—that of manpower
" I f o n l y I had this book
utilization and control—the benefits are w h e n I was single!"
Mike Jackson
sizable. The Army has in recent months
been faced with severe discipline and Contained in this book are actual inter-
views with 25 beautiful girls. They tell
troop-control problems, of which the you —in their very own words —exactly
recent spate of so-called "fraggings" are what it takes to pick them up.
only one dramatic part. Morale, particu- It's easy to handle girls once you've been
larly in Vietnam, is at an all-time low, introduced to them. But what if there's
and the AWOL/desertion rate has no one around to introduce you? If the
girl of your dreams is a gorgeous stranger
reached a dangerously high level. Here, you see walking down the street?
institutionalized addiction demonstrates HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS has all the
most dramatically its advantages. The answers. Here are just a few of the sure-
regular use of narcotics not only pro- fire techniques you can learn and master:
vides a euphoric, high-morale state, usu- How (o make shyness work for you
ally uncharacterized by individual acts How to be sexy
Best places to meet girls
of violence so long as the supply is main- 50 great opening lines
tained, but it also creates in the habitual World's greatest pickup technique
user a passivity that is highly conducive Why women are dying to meet you
to direction and to an unquestioning ac- How to get women to approach you
ceptance of activities that may be in- Send for your copy right away. Within
days, you can actually be picking up
herently absurd. Habitual users gener- beautiful girls.
ally perform relatively simple, intellec-
tually undemanding tasks competently
The Northern Valley Co.
and almost invariably display self-con- DeptN.PO Box 5237
fidence and feelings of invulnerability Grand Central Station
S4
and omnipotence. In fact, in many ways, New York, NY 10017
the classic addict comes close to fitting Enclosed is $7.95. Rush me my copy of
the description of the ideal soldier. HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS right away.
Needless to say, insofar as troop man- Featuring interviews Name
agement is concerned, the control of the HR 25 beautiful girls!
drug supply, which would presumably Address-
be a command function, and the threat
City .State. -Zip_
of its removal insure a level of discip-
line probably exceeding that of the most
well run unit in existence today, and a
desertion rate as close to zero as can be
attained under any circumstances. In
extreme cases, as for example in difficult
combat situations, the withholding of the
drug or its highly visible placement, per-
haps by airdrop, on an objective to be & $ & * >
seized, could well prove a decisive factor
in an engagement with an enemy force.
The advantages of this program in the
third area—manpower retention—needs
little elaboration. Personnel would be C
quite literally addicted to Army life.
Probably the only serious manpower Includes:
problem would be in effecting retire- )und-trip jet
ments. As a practical matter, however, air via Atlantis
the dramatically shortened life-span of Airways, non-stop
the average addict provides a built-in all meals and booze
included. Continental
retirement factor and, incidentally, pro-
breakfast, full course din-
vides considerable savings in pensions.
ner. 1 5 D A Y S - 1 4 N I G H T S .
In the case of personnel who did reach
Double accommodations, first
retirement age, the provision of a supply
class hotels, most w i t h private
of narcotics as the major portion of a bath. All ground transfers paid
pension should suffice. for. All taxes and gratuities included.
There are other general benefits as
well. Naturally, the general public will
be less likely to be concerned about the
Please send me information on the ski trip.
fate of "a bunch of addicts," or to press
for their release from prison camps at Mail this ad to:
the expense of strategic objectives, or American Student Travel, 27 Massachusetts Avenue
to complain of high casualty rates in lim- Boston, Massachusetts 02115
ited war situations. In fact, the public
can be expected to display an under- Destinations: Amsterdam, L o n d o n , Paris, Rome, Frankfort
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THE SQUEALER as the twig is bent
THE MONTHLY NEWSLETTER FOR ALUMNI AND FRIENDS

OF THE TOM PAINE HOME FOR DELINQUENT BOYS, SPARTA, NEW YORK.
Campus Unrest
at Tom Paine:
The Inside Story
By now, most graduates, wherever they are in these United
States, must have heard something about the disturbance here
at the school. Sensational stories about so-called "riots" ap-
peared in all the papers and on national TV—and while it was
a thrill to see the old alma mater getting all that publicity,
it was unfortunate that the story was covered by reporters
from the "crime" rather than the "education" beat.
For alumni who may not have heard the story yet, and to
set the record straight for those who got the hysterical mass-
media version, here's what really happened.
Saturday morning began quietly, with no signs of trouble.
Most of the boys were busy in the potato fields, while some
of the younger students (all of them first offenders, we might
add) were down at the pigpen playing with Rosie, the Old Principal Toomey, in his office, looks over the equipment
School Sow.
brought out of the tool shed after the recent campus hijinks
They were taking turns with Rosie, in the time-honored and deplores the sensationalism of the mass-media reports.
Tom Paine tradition, but one of the fellows was taking a little (See his open letter on the following page.)
too long, at least in the opinion of those in line behind him.
In an effort to hurry him along, someone shouted, "Off the Ramparts* reported "hunger strike" is a gross exaggeration).
pig!" The boys raided the staff pantry and made off with armloads
A new member of staff, a recent transfer from the "Big of steaks, after indulging in a little roughhouse with Cookie.
House" faculty, misunderstood, lost his head, and opened fire (Cookie will be released from the hospital shortly, and has
on the crowd. (Rosie escaped uninjured, those of you who been given a permanent pension by the state.)
harbor a sentimental attachment will be pleased to learn.) For two days, the realization that the unruly students had
Despite intensive investigation, the incidents of the next access to the contents of the shed—shears, saws, pitchforks,
half hour remain unclear. It is certain that a dozen or so stu- etc.—discouraged staff members from interrupting the party,
dents rushed over to the kitchen building (there had been the but when, early Wednesday morning, a gasoline fire broke
usual grumblings about "chow" for the preceding weeks, but continued on page 2
Goodbye, Mr. Fritz

u All Tom Painers were saddened this month by the passing away of the school's
oldest staff member. An era ended with the death of Heinie Scheisskopff, better
known to three generations of TP boys as Fritz the Screw, who first came to Tom
p Mk N* ^H Paine in 1920, fresh out of an army. And even in those rough-and-ready days he
earned a reputation as "quite a disciplinarian," for he was a hard taskmaster in the
classic Prussian manner.
'*: Jtfg B J "Fritz" never took to the new penology, and remained a staunch upholder, in
H 1 • ^m
_, "lWmj theory and in practice (until health failed him), of corporal punishment. A sharp
crack across the buttocks from Fritz's ever-present swagger stick became almost
1
"Fritz the Screw" (R.I.P.) at the height
of his popularity as a Tom Paine staffer.
an "initiation rite" for new boys, and Fritz's highest compliment was: "I vipped
your father, also, unt he vas also scum like you!"
But, however stern and fierce Fritz appeared in the classroom or workshop, we all
knew he had his tender, gentle side, too. Many a young Tom Painer, invited under
threat of severe punishment to one of Fritz's "midnight suppers," discovered that
the tyro of the campus was human, all too human, as he feasted them on Rhine
Caught by the camera in an uncharacter- wine and strudel before he shyly showed his secret collection of unusual leather
istically light mood, he is pictured here equipment.
with one of the treasures from his leather
collection. For the last few years Fritz had been unwell and was relieved of all official
duties at the school. But he remained a familiar figure around the dorms and wash-
rooms, as he befriended, in his gruff manner, each of the new boys in turn.
The end came suddenly, and as Fritz and his friends would have wished it.
Fritz was enthusiastically demonstrating his leather collection to a young favorite
by Sean Kelly and Anne Beatts when his old heart stopped. He died with his boots on.
1
Campus Unrest continued from page 1
Office of the Warden
out beside the building (its cause remains unknown), the Dear Alumni and Other Friends of Tom Paine,
students voluntarily vacated the shed and thoughtfully brought To me, one of the most encouraging facets of the last few
out with them such implements as they could carry. trying weeks have been the many letters of sympathy and
They were met enthusiastically by heavily armed staff mem- concern which have poured in from our Old Boys after having
bers, and a brief, but spirited encounter took place. heard of our Campus Difficulties.
We are certain we speak for all our readers in expressing Many of you have written to suggest a return to "more old-
our deepest sympathies to the parents or guardians of Willie fashioned methods" of maintaining discipline. But may I re-
"LumpLump" Maguire (Breaking and Entering, Class of '73) mind you that Tom Paine is a progressive institution that must,
and Claude Frazer (Attempted Auto Theft, Class of '74) who while respecting the tried and true traditions of the past, move
passed away in the skirmish. with the times. Besides, you'd be surprised how effective
Everything has returned to normal now on campus, and modern "psychological" methods can be.
survivors of the three-day prank have not even been expelled. Let me in closing assure you that the boys now under my
One healthy result of the incident is that new channels of charge are as fine a group of delinquents as I have ever met.
communication have been opened between faculty and stu- It would indeed be a shame if we let a small and untypical
dents, with the placing of a suggestion box outside the chap- group of troublemakers give them all a bad name. •
lain's office.
Principal Toomey has best summed up the long-term mean- Yours truly,
ing of the whole affair in the open letter to concerned alumni,
which we are glad to publish here in the Squealer.
Bill Toomey
Tom Paine Wins Fence Fight What Hears

PRINCIPAL CLOWNS, the Squealer
SINGS "DON'T FENCE ME A continuing column of news about Tom
IN" TO CLIMAX GALA Paine Old Boys, far and near.
G. W. Jackson, Breaking and Entering
GROUND-BREAKING '64, writes to us from California, where
he is enjoying a stay in sunny Soledad.
CEREMONIES^-
As he turned the first spadeful of earth
He expects to be there for the next ten
years.
Arthur Brubaker, Forgery '59, has re-
marking the installation of Tom Paine's located in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas,
new electrical fencing, Principal Toomey where he has taken up woodworking as
was heard to hum a few bars of "Don't a hobby in addition to his actual job of
Fence Me In" under his breath. Later, punching out license plates.
he delighted a mixed audience of stu-
dents, Old Boys, and local well-wishers 7 i -1- Ii Joe Riposo, Assault with a Dangerous
by singing a complete stanza of the same Weapon '43, is doing well in the cement
The gala sod-turning ceremony marking
Western ditty, while workers continued business on Long Island.
the start of construction of the Senator
the task of excavation.
Talarico Memorial Fence. Arthur "Lips" Kennedy, Fraud '69, is
The principal's efforts marked the end
of a long battle to raise the estimated completing his graduate studies at High-
$50,000 cost of the fencing. Despite the land State Farm, Highland, New York.
pressing need for a more adequate meth- Births: To George W. S. Troll, Fraud
od of forestalling runaways, official funds '67, and his wife, Mary (the former
were not readily forthcoming. "It took Sister St. Bemadette), a son, "Dougie."
us two years just to get them to listen
to us up in Albany," said the principal. To Rosie, the Old School Sow, her
An appeal to private donors netted thirty-fifth litter, this time of eleven pig-
$4,000 and several color television sets lets. Mother, babies, and proud fathers
with their serial numbers removed. But all well.
when state authorities vetoed the alterna- To Cassius "Pretty Boy" Floyd, Rape
tive, more economical, suggestion of '71, and the former Pamela Bainswoth-
trained guard dogs, the runaway rate Lindsay, a son, their first, at the St.
seemed likely to stay where it was. It should give shocks of up to 650 volts
Elizabeth Hospital, Saranac, N.Y., Au-
continued on page 4 when switched on.
gust 3.
Marriages: Cassius "Pretty Boy" Floyd
JOHNNY CASH LIVE AND IN CONCERT and Pamela (nee Bainswoth-Lindsay), in
the chapel of the St. Elizabeth Hospital,
8:00 P.M. November 22nd Saranac, N.Y. Aug. 4.
Theodore Roosevelt Auditorium
Tom Paine School for Delinquent Boys Deaths: Willie Maguire (see page one)
Public Admission $2 Students $3 Graduate Society $5 Claude Frazer (see page one)
Heinie Scheisskopff (see page one)

gland's Borstal. . . . As usual, the school
Letters The Principal's 9
Column \
\
1
needs funds . . . we'll settle for used
cars, no questions asked. . . . Students
Dear Sirs:
I realize you at Tom Paine have been The Man r>^^ have been working overtime in the fields,
on a special hemp-growing project of
having your problems of late. Perhaps
that explains the unfriendly attitude
some of my fellow merchants have taken
Ransk ^ their own. . . . Hope to see those of you
who are free at Homecoming Week-
end. . . .
No Generation Gap
toward your students. As a new term begins, it's always a
Personally, I believe it is our civic Sports Day
pleasure for me to see familiar names Tom Paine's annual invitational track
duty to accept the burden of a nearby on the list of inmates. We have a proud
correctional institution. Tom Paine boys meet was not an unqualified success this
family tradition here at Paine, and meet- year, nor was "a good time had by all,"
may be black sheep, but they are mem- ing the sons of alumni always gives me
bers of the flock nonetheless. High-spir- as the saying goes.
a real thrill, believe me. For example, A dark pall was cast over the day
ited childish pranks like looting and this year we have the sons of half a dozen
smashing store windows are no reason when, in the first event, several members
former Volstead Act offenders serving of faculty in the grandstands were in-
to reject any possibility of communica- terms for possession of marijuana. It's
tion between youth at Tom Paine and jured while watching the hammer throw,
great to see tradition upheld. an event which will be discontinued in
the more privileged members of our
fair community. Festina Lente subsequent years.
I assure you that your lads will al- For some years now, there's been a cur- In the pole-vault event, promising
ways find the welcome mat out at my riculum debate between faculty conserv- young athlete Mel Tait, Burglary '75,
place. atives ("It was good enough for their cleared sixteen feet, and the new fifteen-
Sincerely, godfathers, it'll be good enough for foot fence, disqualifying himself from
Edgar Tracy, Prop. them") and liberals (" More shop and less further competition.
Ed's Magic City Poolroom- carrots"). This year we've taken a big As the day came to a close, Tom
Luncheonette step in the direction of compromise. Paine was fifty aggregate points behind
We've made a full course in road-build- our traditional rival institution, the Free-
Dear Sirs: ing compulsory, but we've also replaced town School, with only the marathon
I know you'll think me an old con- the blacksmith shop with arc-welding race to be run. Our hopes rested on
servative, but, if you ask me, the only equipment, with a view to better prepar- young Ralph "The Limey" Stewart, an
thing wrong with today's boys is that ing the lads for the modern world of endurance runner of some note.
they lack discipline. When I was at Tom today. Ralph led the field by a good quarter
Paine, and they were the happiest years mile coming into the homestretch, and
of my life as I look back on them, there Disa 'n' Data suddenly, despite Principal Toomey's
was no mollycoddling. And we were Arrangements are nearly completed for personal encouragement, quit. "I got
made better men because of it. our student-exchange program with En- lonely," he explained.
Today's Tom Paine students are being
denied a firm grounding in the classics:
solitary confinement, bread and water,
the cat-o'-nine-tails, naked midwinter HOMECOMING '71
calisthenics, and the old "face in the
toilet bowl" routine. Honoring the Fightin' Class of '42
No wonder, then, they grow up with Theme: A South Pacific Holiday
no respect for the American way. I sus-
pect that behind "the new penology"
there are sinister forces at work, weak- This year the annual Homecoming
ening the moral fibre of the young. Thanksgiving Weekend promises to be
Think about it.
Boris Williamson
Cell Block 67
a real blockbuster, with the class reunion
of the "Fightin' Forty-Twoers" as the
big highlight.
Honorary chairman of the event is
P.
Sing Sing, N.Y.
Louis "Machine Gun" D'Amato, whose
wartime exploits were brought to the
Editor's Note screen in the Audie Murphy picture
Bataan Banzai!, which will be continual-
Many apologies for the typographical ly screened in the chapel all day Sat-
errors in the last issue of the Squealer, urday.
Our regular proofreader left suddenly, Louis, however, is only one of the 9 P.M.: Pearl Harbor Night (Hula
and the consequences were disastrous, many Tom Paine Class of '42 boys to Hop). Dancing till dawn.
as many readers observed. Special apol- have distinguished" himself in the service Saturday: All-day guided tours of
ogies to old friend and benefactor of of his country. Many Tom Paine Old grounds and facilities, displays of
Tom Paine, cartoonist Al Capp. Of Boys have made good use of their train- metal-working, stone-breaking, etc.
course, what we meant to say was that ing here to become War Heroes, and Saturday night: 8 P.M. Banquet. F.B.I.
the charges against him were a "bum recent graduates have continued the tra- Chief and long-time friend and
rap." That "e" at the end just sort of dition in 'Nam. We're proud of our benefactor of Tom Paine School
sneaked in. alumni; and we'll stand by 'em whatever J. Edgar Hoover is our honored
Readers will be pleased to know that conclusions are come to by bleeding guest speaker. His topic: "Protect-
Linky "The Skate" Stanley, Counterfeit- heart courts martial. ing Red-Blooded American Youth
ing '73, has been recaptured, and will from the Communist Threat."
be back at his old job of proofreading Friday night: 1 P.M.: Welcome Home
the Squealer for some time to come. Beer and Pretzels Reception. See you all around the campus!
3
Fence Fight Laughing on the Outside
continued from page 2
"Laugh, and the world laughs with was so successful, he didn't know what
Then New York State Senator Joe
you; cry, and you'll cry alone in the to do with all those cats?
Talarico took an interest in Tom Paine's
guardhouse," our beloved Principal Big
plight. Few of his constituents are aware What's the difference between a gardener
Bill "Bruiser" Toomey always says. We
that the senator is a Tom Paine Old Boy. and an F.B.I, agent?
Tom Painers take those words to heart.
But when Senator Talarico was reminded One pots plants, the other plants pot.
Many an old grad has made his time
by Principal Toomey that a Tom Painer
pass faster with a chuckle or two. So Then there's the one about the Tom
never forgets his friends, he. started the
if you hear any funny stories, don't keep Paine student who ran away to sea and
ball rolling by writing a blank check for
them under lock and key. Send them became a pilot. But as he was bringing
the first one thousand feet of fencing.
along, please! a ship into harbor, it hit a shoal and
A government allocation followed with-
in weeks. This issue's Dean of Laughing Gas is sank with all hands on board. An old
Tom Paine School now had all but Roy "Mad Dog" Earl, Death Row, San salt who watched it all from shore told
$12,000 of the funds needed. Like an Quentin, whose Gag of the Month ap- him he had guided the ship into the
answer to our prayers, the electric-fence pears first in this column. We know it's wrong channel. "But that's impossible,"
fund received an unexpected anonymous a "gag" that's "bound" to please. the Tom Paine alumnus said. "I heard
donation from Palermo, Sicily, filling the there was no such thing as a bad buoy."
What did one little inkdrop say to the
kitty to overflowing. other little inkdrop?
The excess proceeds were used by Daddy's in the pen for a long sentence. "Laughing on the Outside" pays $5 for
Principal Toomey to hold a small recep- each Gag of the Month. Send jokes to
tion for local dignitaries and gentlemen What's the difference between Bobby Orr
and a forger? Joke Column, the Squealer, P.O. Box
of the press before the ground-breaking 10096, Sparta, New York. In event of
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Sure, college students are signing up in droves for Marshland Ecology, Orgone Therapy 1-2, Sioux Studies,
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School of Hard Sell written by George W. S. Trow

and Michael O'Donoghue
15
Sometimes...
when you've worked very hard,
and succeeded very early.
When you've published your
thesis before your roommate has
written his.
Sometimes, you want to take a
know •m:
&m
H piit in your
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HILQSOPHY

What Do You
Look For in a Course?
() Unlimited Cuts () Congenial Instructors () No Spot Quizzes
() Smoking in Class () Plush Chairs () Frequent Outdoor Classes
() Free Parking () Ample Closet Space () Glare-Free Blackboards
() Optional Dress () Indirect Lighting () Dustless Chalk
() Modern Visual Aids () No Term Papers () Courtesy Pencils
You g e t all of this and m o r e w h e n you sign up f o r
Enroll n o w a n d r e c e i v e absolutely
GEOGRAPHY
free a f u l l - c o l o r , w a l l - s i z e d , Equidistant Z e n i t h a l
P r o j e c t i o n M a p o f t h e N e t h e r l a n d s , y o u r s t o k e e p e v e n should you f a i l t h e c o u r s e !
"Geo" students enjoy a cup of coffee in the recently Department head Dr. Howard Lundgren, seen
renovated da Gama Lounge while discussing the here explaining the Indian border, is never
rivers of Brazil. too busy to lend the personal touch. As he
puts it, "My door is always open!"

Jane Austen. Isn't that the kind
of cupcake they used to sell at
the A&P?
Sorry, cupcake, but Jane's nobody's food.

She's the English novelist who wrote
English Literature.
Pride and Prejudice, Emma, and many other A course to remember.
classics satirizing provincial life.
If you had taken English Literature,
you'd know who Jane was. And Emily.
And Geoffrey. And Oliver and Rudyard.
And even Percy. Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
Are They Throwing Away a Fortune? Is He Kicking the Best Friend He Ever Had?
Perhaps these women are flinging an alluvial deposit that contains a The. rock he gives the boot to may be telling him of riches beyond his
flawless star sapphire, or maybe it's only run-of-the-mill Moenkopi wildest dreams, if only he'd been trained to listen!
sandstone, hardly worth mentioning! How would they know?
Bright Future or Tarnished Dream? that would earn them top dollars and the fore it's too late! Our classrooms are al-
Ever notice how some guys never seem envy of their friends, they majored in ready overcrowded and, as more and more
to make it? They knock around the bot- some dreary, lackluster subject such as students discover the advantages of GE-
tom of the ant heap, holed up in a dead- Anthropology or Semantics, whatever OLOGY, we'll be forced to deal with ap-
end job, dragging home a puny paycheck those are. Instead of "cashing in on plicants on a "first come, first served"
for breaking their hump all week, even rocks," they ended up with a twenty-year basis. However, at this time, the GEOL-
though they have a college degree! "How mortgage and a secondhand Volkswagen. OGY Department does have a few openings
can this be?" you're undoubtedly asking for a select number of sincere applicants,
yourself. "How can guys who have 'the GEOLOGY—A Head Start Down the if they can meet our rigid standards*. <
old sheepskin' fail to make a bundle?" Road to Success
Don't make the same mistake! If you Are You Geology Material?
A "Major" Disaster want to be prosperous and influential, Needless to say, not everyone is capa-
The answer is obvious: they chose the enter the field that has brought happiness ble of learning this precise and exacting
wrong majorl Instead of picking a field to thousands—GEOLOGY! Do it today, be- science. Are you?
Are you qualified to become a skilled geologist and Word-Choice List

reap the benefits of prestige and big-time bucks? Take BOULDER
this test and find out! Simply fill in the blank with the STONE ^
word from the Word-Choice List that best completes MINERAL^
the sentence. Number one has been done for you. ROCKS
B
1. Neither animal nor vegetable, the fabulous Koh-i-noor diamond, just
Would you have known which of the
above is "just another rock" and which one of countless precious gems that lie virtually unnoticed under one's
is priceless, costly uranium ore? Mr. very nose, belongs to the /tftAf&ffyH, kingdom.
Gerald Brann of Farmington, New 2. A stupid person, too foolish to grab an opportunity for big-time bucks
Mexico, did, and here's his grateful when it comes his way, is said to have " in the head."
letter to the Geology Department: 3. Justly called "the pride of our hydroelectric system,"
Dam, which stems the mighty Colorado River, might never have been
Dear Geology Department, | built without the aid of skilled geologists.
Last year, my wife and I were on
a picnic in Chaco Canyon when we I 4. Someone who is searching for wealth and success would do well to
came upon a large rock. "Oh," cried I leave no . unturned.
my wife, never having studied Geology I
when she was in school, "it's just an- | Student Number
other rock!" "Wrong!" I, a one-time
Geology major, replied. "It's priceless, i Name, .Age_
costly uranium ore! We're rich beyond
our wildest dreams!" Now we own Address (or Dormitory).
our own home, drive a new Lincoln, City State Zip.
and send our daughter, Helen, to one
of those fancy Swiss finishing schools.
Thank God for Geology! When you have completed the test, mail along with 250 for postage and handling
Gerald Brann to the Registrar. If you qualify, within seconds he'll have you listed as a fully ac-
Farmington, N.M. credited Geology major, entitled to take dozens of courses in this high-paying field!
A Word to the Wise: Think twice before you pass up this tremendous opportunity only to spend the rest of your life kicking
yourself because you missed the boat)

"How do I like my guys?
Well, all I can do is tell you about Bill.
I guess I love him because he's all man.
I guess I need him because he needs me.
I guess I respect him because he knows
CALCULUS!"
iPliiliK
It's true! Gals all over campus are "getting with" the big swing to MATH because
they realize that a guy who knows his numbers is a guy you can count on. So why
not
ADD to your income
SUBTRACT dreariness from your life
MULTIPLY your opportunities for advancement
DIVIDE and conquer the girl of your dreams
Sign up for CALCULUS! You'll be glad you did.
And so will she.

34
J W ^
35
OOO OO•JOOO
)
o e o o o * ooof o
This Game
May Shock
YouSome will say it's going too far. But
they said that about Galileo. They said
it about Lenny Bruce. And how many
of them would dare to say it now?
Right On! The Campus War Game is
an education in itself. It has been played
by the underground for years, and is
now standard equipment in army think r^^^^^^^|
tanks. Soon you'll be able to buy it in
your local supermarket. Isn't it time you
knew the rules?
Here, in a specially edited version for
young readers, is your chance to become
deeply involved with the issues of yester-
day. This is the game that tells it like
•3
it was. Right On! You've used the ex- ^^R^B
pression—now find out what it means.
Object of the Game
Right On! is a game of strategy for two
players, the Radicals (Red) and the Es-
tablishment (Blue). The game is played
on a map-board representing a typical
strife-torn campus. The Red side of the
board belongs to the Radicals, the Blue
side belongs to the Establishment.
The object of the game is to score a
higher number of PR Points than the
opposing player. PR Points are awarded
for various maneuvers, notably the oc- ic
#o
cupation of enemy Buildings.
Each player begins the game with a
fixed number of markers—Red or Blue,
depending on which ideology he has
elected to defend. At the start of the
game, the markers are deployed about
the Campus in Buildings of their own
color, except for a token number behind
*9t)
enemy lines. In addition, each player
has a reserve force in the Bleachers along
his side of the board.
Yellow markers, including the Press,
make up the Common Pool and can be
moved by both players. Positioned along
the Time Chart at the top of the board
and in their own Bleachers, they are

grammed to enter the gam*, at moments
of crisis.
There are two Clock Markers, one Red
and one Blue. These are placed at 12:00
noon on the Time Chart before the game
begins. Each player must move his
o Clock Marker half an hour ahead at the

end of his turn.
After twenty-four turns, the game is
over. The player who has amassed the
greater number of PR Points is declared
^do o e ©3 the winner.
How to Play
Fighting Forces. The number on the top
of each marker indicates its effectiveness
in combat, or EFF. Numbered markers
may capture enemy markers with a lower
EFF. A marker may capture an oppos-
ing marker with the same EFF, but is
itself captured in the process, becoming
a martyr either to the cause of Revolu-
CO tion or to the principle of Law and
Order.
Some markers are unnumbered. Al-
though inevitably involved in the con-
flict, they are considered noncombatants
and cannot capture or be captured.
oo - (For a complete roster of participants,

see overleaf.)
Maneuvers. Each player moves up to ten
GO markers per turn. Markers are placed on
the points of intersection of the yellow
lines. They move along the lines in one
direction or a combination of directions,
but never diagonally. All markers can
move up to five spaces at a time. The
regular rate of movement is doubled on
Roads.
Movement Through Enemy Lines. Al-
though all markers may move through
markers of the same color, numbered
markers cannot move through enemy
lines. But they may move through any
unnumbered markers, friendly or un-
friendly. As noncombatants, unnum-
bered markers may move through all
other markers.
Joint Attack. In order to increase their
EFF when attacking, numbered mark-
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 37

ers may combine forces in stacks of no
more than two. The EFF of a stack is
the sum of the EFFs of the individual
markers. Moving a stack counts as two
of the ten moves allowed each player
per turn.
Capture by Jumping. Capture is accom-
plished by jumping, as in checkers.
Markers may jump only enemy markers The Leader
Radicals
(or stacks) with an equal or lower EFF. The Leader is a hypertensive marker who moves at double the normal rate.
A marker may jump only one marker He is worth 250 PR Points to the Establishment if captured, and must be
or stack of markers at a time. Captured ransomed immediately for another 250. Opening position: in student news-
markers are removed from the board paper office in the Union, writing a letter to the editor.
and banned from the Campus for the
duration. Faculty Sympathizers
These ten leftish Sociology, English Lit., and Philosophy professors evoke
Capture by Surrounding. Capture can the sympathy of the public when captured, thus penalizing the capturing
also be brought about by surrounding. player 50 PR Points. Not allowed in the Bushes with Women's Lib or Coeds.
A marker is considered surrounded
when the only exit open to it would in- Women's Lib
volve jumping opposing markers. Sur- The support of these fifteen markers will invariably be lost if the Leader
rounded markers are powerless to help asks them to rustle up some sandwiches.
themselves. If they cannot be rescued Longhair*
from outside by the end of the turn, These are English and Sociology majors who give the V at Baez concerts,
they go limp and are removed from the worked for Gene McCarthy, and are opposed to meaningless violence. They
board. If a marker is up against the are useful for absorbing the first club-swinging police assault, getting Cokes,
wall, it need only be surrounded on working the Gestetner, etc. Twenty-five, including Reinforcements.
three sides.
The Fink
Neutral Territory. Markers on Bush spaces Although the Fink looks just like a Longhair, in actual fact he belongs
cannot be captured. Under cover of the to the Establishment, and is planted amongst the Radical forces at
foliage, markers may move through en- the start of the game. His true nature is indicated on the reverse side
emy markers. Any marker may be of the marker. At any point the Fink may instigate the removal of
stacked on any other marker, even if adjacent Radical markers by showing his true colors. Having done
one is Red and one is Blue. his duty, the Fink is recalled and may not return to the board. For
The Bushes not only provide a haven employing the Fink, the Establishment forfeits 100 PR Points.
from combat, but also serve as a short-
cut from one part of the Campus to Yippies
another. After entering a Bush a marker There are fifteen of these ego-trippers, shit-disturbers, geniuses, and other
may, in the next turn or any turn there- psychotics, including Reinforcements.
after, exit from any other Bush on the Panthers
Campus. This is useful in launching These ten dangerous and unpredictable markers have a weakness for guns
sneak attacks. and will exploit the racial aspects of any quarrel.
Occupation of Buildings. To occupy an Weathermen
enemy Building, a player must drive out These ten adherents of violence are liable to place Bombs in Buildings oc-
all opposing markers and position at cupied by the Establishment.
least one of his markers on every space
in that Building. Bombs
For occupying a Building, a player The Radicals have two Bombs, which may be planted inside occupied Build-
gains a specific number of PR Points. ings. A Building with a Bomb in it must be evacuated immediately, and cannot
Provided that the occupying force is be reentered until the Bomb is dismantled. For endangering lives with childish
kept at full strength, he continues to pranks like planting a Bomb, the Radicals must surrender PR Points equal
score the same number of PR Points to twice the value of the Building being liberated.
every half hour.
Heads
If a player is forced to evacuate a These five acid-rock fans, panhandlers, Hare Krishna freaks, macrobiotic-
Building and then manages to reoccupy food addicts, and other dropouts can always be found on the grassy areas of
it later in the game, he is again entitled the Campus. Since they do not attend lectures, they never need to enter
to score PR Points for its occupation. Buildings. Even their fellow Radicals are forced to step around their recumbent
The PR value of each Building is forms, thus wasting precious moves. Any Establishment marker passing a
written below it beside its name. Some Head must stop for a whole turn in order to yell obscenities. Needless to say,
Buildings are more strategically valuable Heads do not know the meaning of the word violence.
(larger) than others, and thus worth
more PR Points.
Evacuation of Buildings. One way to dis-
lodge enemy markers from a Building
which they are occupying is to surround
the whole Building so that no exit is
possible, thus sealing off access to ham-
burgers, malteds, and birth-control pills.
38

The player whose markers have been sur-
rounded has one turn to break through
from the outside and come to their aid.
Otherwise they are dragged out and re-
moved from the board.
(For an alternate method of evac-
The Dean
Establishment uating Buildings, see the sections on
Weathermen, National Guard, Bombs,
and Tear Gas.)
Red and Blue Reinforcements. Each
A well-meaning marker with an EFF of zero. If he is captured, the Radicals player begins the game with forty Rein-
gain 250 PR Points for sheer nerve. Like it or not, the Establishment must forcements in the Bleachers at his side
ransom him back at the cost of another 250 PR Points. Opening position: in of the board. After hostilities commence,
the Administration Building, just back from Washington. either player may bring on as many of
Faculty Yes-Men his Reinforcements as he likes, as long
The Establishment has ten Faculty Yes-Men under its thumb. Public outcry as he does not move more than ten
at their capture results in a loss of 250 PR Points by the Radicals. If a Faculty markers in one turn. Reinforcements
Yes-Man is caught in the Bushes with a Coed or Women's Lib, the opposing must be called up according to the al-
player gains 25 PR Points. phabetical order of their sections in the
Bleachers.
Coeds Red and Blue Reinforcements enter
These fifteen cheerleaders, sorority girls, freshettes, and home-economics the Campus through the Gates at the
majors are willing victims of male chauvinism. regular movement rate (double on
Straights Roads). The Radicals use the West Gate,
These fratmen, ROTC types, commerce students, engineers, and science majors the Establishment uses the East Gate,
don't believe in rocking the boat. They can be distinguished by their crew-neck and both may use the Main Gate. If
sweaters, slide rules, and attendance at various sporting events. Twenty-five, entry to the campus is blocked by op-
including Reinforcements. posing markers inside the Gates, a way
must be cleared from within before the
The Dealer Reinforcements can enter.
The Dealer appears to be one of the Straights, but his true identity
links him with the Radicals. Lurking among the Establishment mark- Initiating Hostilities. Play begins at 12:00
ers, he is moved as though he were a Straight. Yet, at any moment noon. The Leader has called a meeting
he may wipe out the adjacent Blue markers with a dope rap. Un- of the Radicals. At least ten of them
fortunately, this blows his cover, and he is busted along with the must have assembled in the Dell in front
rest, costing the Radicals 100 PR Points. of the Arts Building before the Leader
can take up his position on the Founder's
Jocks Tomb. Meanwhile, the Establishment,
There are fifteen of these brawny animals, including Reinforcements. They sensing trouble, rounds up ten of its
are likely to start fights whenever they are not busy demonstrating their virility most trusted markers. Taking it upon
by doing push-ups. himself to represent the voice of reason,
the Dean shows up in the Dell. Hostili-
Pigs ties commence immediately.
Any use of these ten markers is defined as police brutality. They are all family The Establishment player, if he has
men who are just doing their job. any moves left, completes his turn ac-
National Guard cording to the post-hostilities rules
These ten armed men are very nervous and equipped with Tear Gas. They (which allow entering Bushes, stacking,
are bound to put any small-town college on the map. capturing by jumping or surrounding,
and the introduction of Reinforcements).
Tear Gas If either the Leader or the Dean fails
Tear Gas may not be lobbed at random, but only used for clearing out oc- to show up by the time both Red and
cupied Buildings. When the occupying force has been flushed out, both players Blue Clock Markers have been ad-
must wait until the effects of the Tear Gas have worn off before entering the vanced to one o'clock, the other player
Building. The penalty for resorting to Tear Gas is twice the PR value of the gains 1,000 PR Points, and hostilities
Building in question. The Establishment has two Tear Gas canisters. commence out of boredom nonetheless.
Rentapigs Tactical Hint. The Leader and the Dean
The Establishment should not place too much faith in these five men. They are should be protected at all times. Since
ridiculously underpaid, and most Radicals know them by their first names. any Longhair on Campus might well be
Their sole function is to keep the Heads circulating so "that they don't block the Fink, and any Straight may prove to
the thoroughfare for the Establishment. They are not qualified to make arrests. be the Dealer, the Leader should be kept
Position at start: one at each of the three Gates, and two playing gin rummy away from Longhairs, and the Dean
on the lower Campus. away from Straights. The Leader and the
Dean both lay themselves open to attack
when venturing out for a Press Confer-
ence. They can also be endangered by
the Chaplain, who can pin down one
or the other when placed on top of him.
This freezes the Leader or the Dean to
the spot and makes him a sitting duck
when the Chaplain's presence is lifted.
continued
Undecided
Common Pool be placed on top of any enemy marker, engaging it in con-
® /S5\ Students
( • ) The forty Undecided Students are two-sided,
v J L ^ with a Red question mark on one side and
a Blue one on the other. At the start of the game, they are
versation and immobilizing it for an hour. At the end of this
time, the player who has been victimized must transfer the
Chaplain onto an enemy marker, or be stuck with him for
lined up in the Bleachers at the bottom of the board. When- another hour. The Chaplain's position is inviolable, and a
ever a Building is occupied, ten of them are sufficiently im- marker or stack of markers underneath him cannot be cap-
pressed to make themselves available to the occupying player. tured, surrounded, added to, or taken away from.
They are not brought on through the Gates, but appear out
of nowhere wherever groupies are needed. The Press
When jumped, Undecided Students are not considered cap- These five markers represent reporters, photogra-
tured, but only won over by their attackers. They are flipped phers, TV cameramen, documentary-film makers,
over and may be moved immediately by the player who has novelists, and other parasites essential to our way of life. One
acquired them. There is no limit to the number of times after the other they appear where the action is as they are
Undecided Students can change their allegiance in this way. displaced by the Clock Markers. Newsworthy actions, such as
If one Undecided Student jumps another, both are flipped the capture of the Dean, are worth more PR Points if actually
over, each defecting to the opposite side. witnessed by the Press from five or less spaces away.
The first Press marker to witness an event doubles the PR
Concerned Mothers Points scored, thus creating a new score which is again doubled
The five Concerned Mothers become available as by the second Press marker present. The presence of a third
they are displaced by the advance of the Clock Mark- Press marker then doubles this new figure, and so on, from
ers. They are positioned on Campus wherever they are most local coverage through wire service to network television.
likely to get in the way. Either player may move any Concerned Either player may manipulate the Press to his advantage.
Mother already on the board. The Concerned Mothers act as Press Conferences are held to bring the Leader or the Dean in
a deterrent to violence, protecting any markers adjacent to contact with the Press to gain PR Points. Each player is en-
them from capture by jumping or surrounding, as well as pre- titled to hold one Press Conference of his own, in addition
venting them from attacking others. to taking part in the one held by his opponent.
/^Zj\ The Chaplain
UeHSu The player who first allows one of his Buildings to
v.2^/ be occupied wins the services of the Chaplain in
compensation for this act of aggression. The Chaplain may
PR Point Chart Right On! The Campus War Game was developed by Michel
Choquette in collaboration with Anne Beatts, Sean Kelly, and
Event PR Points For Ivan Rezucha, Jr. Board and markers designed by Araneus
Leader Captured 250 Blue Ltd., Montreal.
Dean Captured 250 Red It is technically unfeasible to play the game according to
Leader Ransomed 250 Blue the above rules. But if you're that keen, and you can keep a
Dean Ransomed 250 Red secret, you might as well be the first to know that the real game
is coming out soon. Fill out the coupon, and we'll keep you
Leader Caught in Bush 250 Blue informed. In the meantime study this article, so that when
Dean Caught in Bush 250 Red the actual game appears, you'll be very confused.
Leader at Press Conference 250 Red
Dean at Press Conference 250 Blue Please consider my qualifications to play Right On! I am
Faculty Sympathizer Captured 50 Red totally committed to the following cause:
Faculty Yes-Man Captured 50 Blue • Radical • Liberal • Conservative
Faculty Sympathizer in Bush * 25 Blue • Fascist D Other
Faculty Yes-Man in Bush 25 Red
Name
Red Building Occupied PR value Blue
Blue Building Occupied PR value Red Address_
Bomb 2X PR value Blue Length of Hair
Tear Gas 2X PR value Red
40
LMJJ-
>Q>c
.y^j±
X
v
WELL, THAT CERTAINLY TECHNICALLY, YES, BUT IT

CUTS POWN ONJ THE FUN, POESN'T QUITE WORK THAT
BUT SHORT OF ACTUAL WAY/ IF WE WERE EVEN
PENETRATION, WE ARE TO KISS, MAW MAGAZINE
PER/VtITTEP TO ENGAGE PISTRIBUTORS WOULP PULL
IN ALL VARIETIES OF ,. US OFF THE STANPS ANP
EROTIC FOREPLAV, RIGHT£> A LOT OF NEWS VENPORS,
WOULP REFUSE TO SELL US/
(GTAHPMO FOR WHAT?]

A NATIONAL LAMPOON PARODY OF
OUR P R I C E
40c
YOU GET
W H A T YOU
PAY FOR
!N f<b/W

SCENES WE'D LIKE TO SEE
I've been a fan of your magazine for U I've done a MAD Peek Behind the There's a MAD Look at Murphy Beds,
years. Believe me, the stuff I write i s n S c e n e s at a Cave, a Taffy Pull, a the Dewey Decimal System, Tuning
right up your alley. I I Ravine, and a Deserted Parking Lot. Forks, Fan Belts, and Different Kinds
of Bricks.
And how's this for a se- Just take a look at these original
ries—You Know You're feature ideas—Guns & Butter,
Really Tall When, They Birds & Bees, Needles & Pins,
Know You're Really Tal Dot Vs. Dash, Colon Vs. Dash,
When, and You Know and Vice Vs. Versa. And how
They're Really Tall about my MAD Specialized
When? And here's a twist Greeting Cards for Left-Handers,
— They Know Y o u ' r e Korean War Veterans, Lip-Read-
Really Tall If! ers, Tree Surgeons, and People
• with Type O-Positive Blood?
This is just more of the same old crap we've been turn-
ing out for years and we're not going to do it anymore.
Now GET LOST!
ARTIST: JOE ORLANDO WRITER: JOHN BONI

NUMBER 147 NOVEMBER 1971 VITAL FEATURES
CITIZEN
GAINES
"I grow old, I grow old . . ."—J. Alfred Newman
JOHN BONI, SEAN KELLY, HENRY BEARD writers

MICHAEL GROSS art director ELLEN TAURINS production
RALPH REESE, JOHN ROMITA,
JOHN LEWIS, ERNIE COLON, AL WEISS,
BABI JERY, STUART SCHWARTZBERG,
JOE ORLANDO artists
DEPARTMENTS
THE MAD
BAG GAG DEPARTMENT MAGAZINE
Luggage . . . Then and Now 15 PRIMER
BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT

The Lighter Side Of Heavy Petting 12
BORSCHT, BABY, BORSCHT DEPARTMENT

Jokes Shecky Green Told At The Concord
Last Month 27
CAN YOU STOP THIS? DEPARTMENT YOU KNOW

More "So Who Gives A Sweet Shit?" 17 YOU'VE REALLY
OUTGROWN MAD
CELEBRITIES'GULLETS DEPARTMENT WHEN...
Inside The Throats Of Weil-Known Singers 31
DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT

One Morning 7
Later In The Day 14
That Evening 19
The Next Day 24
Later On In The Week 34
Early The Next Month 38 v\ '' THE LIGHTER
INSIDE-OUCH DEPARTMENT r J SIDE OF
DAVE BERG
A MAD Peek Behind The Scenes At A / ^SZZZ?^
Tuna-Fish Sandwich 28
IT ONLY KURTZ WHEN I LAUGH DEPARTMENT

"Who Is Harvey Kurtzman And Why Is He
Saying Those Terrible Things About Me?"-
(A MAD Movie Satire) 5
LINEN DEPARTMENT?
Sixth Floor, Second Aisle From The Right 23
HORRIFYJNG
REGULAR DEPARTMENT CLICHES
A MAD Look At Roller Skates. 9
RELEVANCE DEPARTMENT
A MAD Look At Hippies Wearing Roller Skates 10
SATIRE DEPARTMENT
A MAD Look At Hippies Wearing Roller Skates
And Falling Down A Lot 11
SPIRO AGNEW DEPARTMENT ONE DAY

Pictures Of Spiro Agnew Only He's Wearing IN THE
A Propeller Beanie 33 PARK
TONGUE IN CHEEK DEPARTMENT
You Know You're Really Getting Artificial
Respiration When 35

LETTERS DEPT. BEHIND THE SCENES I thought your worthless satire
"A M A D Peek Behind the Scenes at "2001: A Space Pasta" was really
a Coat Closet" was your best yet. It stupid. Good the work upkeep!
was even better than your "Peek Be- Terry Robertson
hind the Scenes at a Glove Compart- Wilmington, Del.
ment." H o w d o you do it? " T h e Owl and the Pastacat" was
Richard Gasvin great! W o r k good keep the u p !
West Newt, Ariz. Bert Roberty
I didn't realize just h o w true your Wilmington, Del.
" M A D Peek Behind the Scenes at an Congratulations on that great series
Invisible Reweaver" was until I went of letters, Sol! They read just fine, and
to get my cardigan last Tuesday. Sure I especially like the one about the kid
enough, you could see the stitches! who thought "2001: A Space Pasta"
A n n e Fusco was stupid — it kind of gives the
THE SOUND AND THE FUHRER Coriander, Fla. thing credibility.
At last someone had the spunk to Congratulations on your "Peek Be- Al Feldstein
portray Hitler for what he was—a rot- hind the Scenes at a Christian Science N e w York, N.Y.
ten, cold-blooded murderer,. For too Reading Room." Y o u handled a po-
long, people have been led to believe tentially tricky subject with taste and PHILOSOPHY LESSON
that he was a misunderstood kid who tact. Do you call your magazine trash
took a w r o n g turn at Bavaria. N o w because you believe it to be trash; or
M A D has told it like it is! Miriam Plesher
Caster, N.J. do you believe it to be trash and call
Jerry Kosinski it trash to anticipate the arguments of
Painted Bird, Wyo. MAD MOVIE SATIRES those who, believing it to be trash,
Heil M A D ! Y o u really did in old would logically call it trash; or do
Kudos on your nifty spoof, "Cleo- you believe it not to be trash, a priori,
Adolph! It's bound to cost you some pasta. "Although I am only fifteen, I
German readers, but I guess that's the and call it trash in the hopes that those
certainly enjoyed your clever satire of who believe it to be trash will reject
price of being gutsy! Keep those right- what has to be one of the dopiest
on spoofs coming! the evidence of their senses rather
movies ever! Keep up the good work! than accept a nomenclature which
Art Decco Terry Roberts they must regard as only another as-
Bangor, Maine W i l m i n g t o n , Del. pect of its trashiness? I, for one, think
Stalin, Mussolini, and now Hitler. it's a piece of shit.
Many thanks for your jazzy takeoff,
H o w about taking a poke at Marshal " T h e Pride and the Pasta." Y o u r Jean-Paul Sartre
Petain next? He's really due for a "usual gang of idiots" deserves cheers Paris, France
bringdown. and applause, which is more than that
Rosemarie LaBinaca A FAITHFUL FAN
d u m b movie got. Keep u p the good
Los Angeles, Calif. work. I take your magazine with me
A MAD LOOK AT MOTHBALLS Robert Terry wherever I go.
W i l m i n g t o n , Del. T o m m y Tongyai
"Mothballs" was the funniest arti- Atlanta, Ga.
cle I ever read in MAD. I especially I read your delightful ribbing of
liked the part about how they smell I n g m a r Bergman's idiotic film, " T h e MAD WINS AGAIN
so funny and break into lots of little Seventh Pasta," and I recommended it W h e n I wuz smart I uset to read
pieces when you d r o p them on the to my entire English class as a good Nashinul Lambpoon but now I read
floor. example of h o w to write funny satire.
M A D
Noreen Klevish Continue with the good work! ' Charly
Naismith, Ore. Bob Robertson Boston, Mass.
Wilmington, Del.
I smiled at your " M A D Look at SATISFIED READERS
Sash Weights." I chuckled at your My hat's off to you for your hilari- All of the unicellular flagellates in
"MAD Look at Linoleum Floors." I ous "Moby Pasta" and last month's hys- my petri dish read your magazine. W e
guffawed at your "MAD Look at Shoe terical "Marjorie Pastastar." They're may be pretty low down on the Great
Polish Tins." I howled at your "MAD the funniest things I've read since Chain of Being, but we think it's
Look at Mechanical Pencils." But I your classic "Pastacus"! U p the w o r k
keep good! gfeat
just went into fits over your "MAD ' Bifistula Ciliati
Look at Mothballs!" Rob Terryson Sandham Laboratories
Lionel Trilling Wilmington, Del. Travis, Okla.
N e w York, N Y .
YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY
HOT W H E N . . .
Great article, but you forgot "You
know you're really hot when . . . you
perspire!"
Patsy T r a m m i n g
Brooklyn, N Y .
I thought your article was swell,
but you missed one—"You know
you're really hot when . . . your shirt
sticks to your back!"
Vince DiMuerta
La Caeca, Calif.
Terrific! But you left out "You
know you're really hot when . . . you
drink a lot of water!"
Frank Craspi
Gentian, Pa. Bifistula and his friends reading the latest issue.

THE HEARST IS YET TO COME DEPT.
Hey, gang, have ya noticed how over the years a certain magazine
has dropped its standards, its values, its commitment—but NOT its
WRITER: J O H N BONI
price? Didja ever wonder, "Wha hoppen?" Huh? Didja? Well, won-
der no further, for here's the epic struggle of that mag's downhill ARTIST: ERNIE COLON
metamorphosis as presided over by its publisher...
CITIZEN GAINES
No, you idiot. His last words. Intriguing, right? Here was Bring me "satire" dead or
That's what distinguishes a man who assembled and con- alive. It's probably some-
man f r o m other men trolled the Establishment humor thing very simple. Go ask
Gaines's last words were magazine, yet at the end, the everyone who made Gaines
satire. only thing on his mind, his last laugh.
words, were satire. Why?
Satire!? Is it a U Wait!!... Seems to . . . to call... sorry, can't re-

word, or what? Al, as MAD's new editor, it's up to you.to keep member. It's been so long.
me . . . something our readers laughing. It won't be easy.
Well, it doesn't Gaines once tell you what. Go to the li-
have anything to said... brary and read Sol Furd's
do with MAD or I'd memoirs. Maybe satire's in
know about it. it. Sol was an agent who had
a lot to do with Gaines's
youth. He was a real sweet
guy.
1 What's the book called?]
'10% or Your Life!" ]

Now, I meets the Gaines kid when he Jokes??! He left my son I
was eight. His folks rented a room to jokes?! But we n e e d
one of my acts, a deadbeat comic money, not jokes1
^ | who skips town owing them money.
Then the guy dies on me in Peoria— Look, sweetheart, you
) and everyplace else—and in his will want money, you
' he leaves the Gaines kid all of his . . . shouldda rented to a
banker. You rent to a
comic, you get jokes!
But I does right by the brat anyway and invests his gags in tax K . . . the kid was great. He
sheltered comic books, plus I gives him a nice allowance of / couldda been another Henny
socko punch lines and setups, which he squanders on his S Youngman, but he meets this
pals • • • ; 4 ( Harvey Kurtzman a n d . . . s
Hey, didja hear the one about • • • M Take my wife... please! j I wanna start a comic book
that people will laugh at. I'
There was this traveling ..-. so the Indian says, prepared to invest all my
salesman, see... "Matzos?l thought they
were suppositories!"
Save your jokes, Bill. I have

something better—satire!
, I told him the idea is MAD, j

A'cause who knows from satire'
S^yanyway? It always closes on Sat-,
w o/t urday night. J
j Half man, half goat. Right? Wrong! It's a streetcar, Uh, puddon me. Don't ask me, I only draw what they give me. I
like in a Streetcar Named Satire. I'se lookin' fo' mah wife, Satire!
These dolts are no help.

'm gonna try the guys
who used to write for
MAD.

U L
Are you Gary Belkin, I also wrote f o r I saw this film. No- Mr. Kurtzman, you started MAD with | | Nurse, come quick.
who once wrote fun- money. And don't body's supposed to Bill Gaines. Do you know about satire? , — , He's haying some
ny stuff for MAD? ask about satire. [ find out about satire kind of a fit.
won't tell. until the end, in the
last scene. It's part
of this picture's tre-
mendous suspense,
which I'm ethically
bound to honor as a
sacred trust never to
be betrayed.
4 <
**M*"^0^
.. . then we did terrific stuff—Super-

duperman, Woman Wonder, Bat Boy . . . and you want us to tell you about satire. Well, I guess we should start from the top.
& Rubin, Little Orphan Melvin . . . Right, Bill?
Starchie...
In the beginning...
He won't for Go talk to Bill Elder and Wally once upon a time...
You'll have alongwhile. Uwood. Mr. Kurtzman always
to leave now. He's gone into f] mentions them when he's in this
deep flashback, n condition.

RUBBISH OR PERISH DEPT.
THE MAD
CHAPTER 1
See the reader.
H e is very loyal.
MAGAZINE
He wouldn't miss an issue of his favorite magazine.
Even when its price went up,
He kept right on buying it every month.
PRIMER
Why is he such a loyal reader?
Because he likes a magazine that rejects silly old shibboleths
And takes a bold stand on important issues
And treats difficult topics in a mature way.
Of course, his mother buys him M A D
So he reads it, too.
ARTIST: A L WEISS
CHAPTER 2
See the editor. See the writer.

H e is very harried. H e writes for M A D .
He is editing an article for the next issue of M A D . See him flog a dead horse.
He has a deadline to meet. Flog, flog, flog.
The article needs a lot of work. Take that, Hollywood bigwigs!
To start with, it's too long. Try this one on for size, Madison Avenue phonies!
The editor has to take out some words. Later On, when he really gets warmed up,
Most of the words he is taking out have only four letters, He'll attack rigged T V quiz shows
But boy, they sure do add up! And automobiles with big tail-fins
The article also has problems in "pacing" and "timing." And segregated lunch-counters.
There's a reference to an ethnic group that breaks the pacing. Well, maybe not segregated lunch-counters.
And there's a joke about a major religion that spoils the timing After all, fun's fun, but you have to'draw the line somewhere.
Being an editor isn't easy. Nobody minds a little ribbing now and then,
To be a good editor there are three things you must have: But there is such a thing as knowing when to stop.
An eye for talent. Look at Lenny Bruce. If he knew when to stop,
An ear for good writing. H e could be a great comedian.
A nose for new ideas. He could even be a M A D writer.
To be a M A D editor, there is one thing you must not have. He's what? When did that happen? N o kidding!
Balls. Well, that just goes to show you!

STRICTER IMMIGRATION LAWS DEPT.
JOlC.I.«H((u^|B K<*A< V l iWliii((//) J"*111 lti'ifJl.<i/«H««...-''*.>* '»r'*7t«<..*-HM..t,v«t|.w&,|
[4uAî*s '¥ ^biîkiuAoSh
/£/r'jHf

THROWING UP ABSURD DEPT.
You Know You've

REALLY OUTGROWN MAD When...
You Know You've REALLY OUTGROWN You Know You've REALLY OUTGROWN
MAD W h e n . . . MAD W h e n . . . .
. . . you start going to movies they . . . you discover that you have ac-
don't do spoofs of. quired a secret power that enables you
to know the contents of every issue
before you even open it.
You Know You've REALLY OUTGROWN You Know You've REALLY OUTGROWN You Know You've REALLY OUTGROWN
MAD W h e n . . . MAD W h e n . . . MAD W h e n . . .
. . . you adopt complicated ruses to . . . you realize that the "Now" in . . . you find a richer source of humor
avoid being seen reading it so your their "Then and Now" articles is in everyday things, like rocks,
friends won't consider you "imma- 1957.
ture.
You Know You've REALLY OUTGROWN You Know You've REALLY OUTGROWN
MAD W h e n . . . MAD W h e n . . .
... you find out what @ @%$&$%( . . . you give the charity drive a ham-
means. ster cage, your brother's chemistry set,
a butterfly net you used to catch crap-
pies, The Golden Book of Squids,
ARTIST: JOHN LEWIS Meet Mr. Weather, and all your back
BERGSHIT DEPT.
THE
LIGHTER
SIDE O F
Thanks for coming over, Mr. Sure you're confused, son, and But when the going gets . . . so then me and Jimmy, that's
Berg. I wish more citizens had maybe a little bitter, too, but, tough, that's when the Jimmy Trinelli of 364 Baycrest,
your community spirit. heck, who wouldn't be in this tough get going! I mean, are you getting all this? Like I say,
crazy, mixed-up world, what with you want to leave the world me and Jimmy took the stuff to
the A-bomb and the current wave a better place for your hav- Rico's, you know, to fence i t . . .
Just doing my part, Of of permissiveness. Let's face i t - ing been here, right? You
ficer. I was a kid once things are in one hell of a mess, see, I have this theory that
too, you know. deep down inside, people O.K., Mr. Berg, I
if you'll pardon my French!
are basically good, and . . . think that does it. If
we need you again,
we'll call.
STOP!! I'LL TALK!!
ANYTHING!!
JUST GET THIS
CREEP
OUTOFHERE!!
I • «
Package for Mr. Dave Berg. Say, No kidding, you're the guy who Hey, you're putting me on! \ \\ i
you aren't the same Dave Berg does that Lighter Side thing? You really write all that stuff 'iV-l L
who draws for MAD magazine, about baby-sitters and blind
are you? dates and drive-in movies?
FASCIST PIG! COMMIE QUEER! There are two sides to every You see, I've found that all WISHY-WASHY
DUPE OF T H E PAWN OF T H E question. And after all, it takes to bridge the gener- LIBERAL FINK!
MILITARY IN- KREMLIN SLAVE- everyone's entitled to his ation gap is a willingness to
DUSTRIAL COM- MASTERS! GET A own opinion. Variety is the meet the other guy halfway,
PLEX! ALL HAIRCUT! spice of life, so let's live and a little give and take. Now
POWER TO THE let live. I'm sure there's something
PEOPLE! you two can agree on.

IN YOUR HEART, YOU KNOW IT'S TRITE DEPT. ARTIST: RALPH REESE WRITER: SEAN KELLY
» mwzm mmk w ^ «"**
nir< Avoiding A DELICATE SUBJECT

Insulting A READER'S INTELLIGENCE
imflfr p
Following A FORMULA Blowing A JOKE
Belaboring THE OBVIOUS Raising A DEAD ISSUE

DON MARTIN-WASN'T HE THE NUTTY GUY WHO DREW ALL THOSE CRAZY CARTOONS THAT WE THOUGHT WERE SO
SICKINTHE50's?DEPT. "
ONE DAY IN THE PARK

M* ^JJ^fT* &W
vkjt+îiu. _^\$
What kind of a magazine do you think you're in,
anyway? This isn't one of your perverted porno
rags! You've got young, impressionable minds
out there!!
:: s, LOOTCH
^m ^' ' .-
HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER REVOLTING
M A D FOLD-IN
"The magazine developed through the years
from a somewhat sophomoric, meat-cleaver type
of humor into what I regard as the sharp satiric
style it features today."* To see how this wonder-
ful transformation was accomplished, fold page
in as shown. *MAD writer Frank Jacobs, in the Travel section of the
New York Times, Sunday, July 1 1 , 1971
A* FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT • * B FOLD BACK SO "A" MEETS "B"
RTIST: R A L P H R E E S E
WELL, THERE THEY ALL ARE, OR WERE, WHEN YOU WERE ONLY A KID. WE
JUST PRINTED THEM FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE. JUST IN CASE YOU FORGOT
RIDICULOUS AS THAT SOUNDS. YOU MUST STILL HAVE MEMORIES OF ALL OF
THAT INCREDIBLE CAST OF CHARACTERS. SUPERDUPERMAN, THE MOLE. DUMB
KIND OF QUESTION TO ASK. NO ONE COULD FORGET ELDER'S OR WOOD'S STUFF.
IT WASN'T SATIRE,THOUGH,WAS IT? JUSTSOPHOMORIC HUMOR. HUMOR'S EASY.

1
•
1
1 fi' i. vfl ^» ^K
& ~ . . -
$&!
1
I ' m ~^Â. ^ ^

Going
Back
by Michel Choquette and Anne Beatts
If you knew then what you know now, boy, would you be in trouble...
Someone's talking in the other room, piss without lifting the seat. But I get I've done that much. It's a book report
loud enough to wake me up. I must have chicken and wipe it off afterwards. on The Mystery of Cabin Island. Boy,
left the television set on. I feel around They'll probably give me hell if I don't what crummy handwriting. I still make
for my watch and knock over a glass shave. But what if the old man finds out my r's the same way, though. "In this
instead. As the water soaks into my bed I used his razor? What if I cut myself? story, Frank and Joe have a specially
I notice that my Yves Saint Laurent Maybe I can go one day without shav- good adventure. The adventure is . . ."
sheets have little soldiers on them. ing. I feel my chin. N o way. I can't go I stick the paper back in the book
From the light around the blind I to work, I mean school, like this. because I'm getting carsick, the way I
know it's morning. I get out of bed, and I'm too big to fit into any of my used to then.
something dangling from the ceiling hits clothes. If I'm lucky and this is the year Dmitri, that's his name. Fat slob. You
me in the face. I swing out at it. I think it is, Chuck should be away at should see him try to do push-ups. What
I walk over to the window, but even college. I take a pair of chinos and a a riot.
before I lift the blind I know where I sport shirt from his closet. The shoes Kenny Raskin gets on the bus. So does
am. Back in Chagrin Falls, Ohio, in are too tight, but I have no choice. his sister. She has big tits. Real star-
1951 or 1952. I look to see if there are I see a photograph of Marilyn on his gazers. But Kenny's so brainy I bet he
cowboys riding broncos on the wallpa- dresser. I wonder what he'd say if he doesn't even notice. He's going to pass
per, and there are. It must be before knew she was going to ask me up to her that test like nothing. I hope she doesn't
my thirteenth birthday. hotel room in Chicago six years from ask us about Andrew Johnson and the
There's a mirror on the inside of my now. The little slut. Reconstruction period. Or what about
closet door. I look myself over. I'm six By the time I get back to the kitchen the League of Nations? That's worse.
feet tall, on the far side of thirty, and my father has left for work, but my Wait a second, I must know something
have a slight roll around the middle just mother says he wants me to come straight about the League of Nations. I had it
like I did last night. home from school so I can clean out the in college. I'll just say that the League
Reflected over my shoulder in the garage. My oatmeal is cold. My mother of Nations was an ineffectual political
mirror is my Messerschmitt Me-109, is trying to get me to finish it when the organization and that its successor, the
hanging over my bed with one wing school bus arrives. U.N., is also hampered by the rising
smashed. My Me-109! It took me a I grab my books and run to get the growth of nationalism. Anyway, the
whole week to paper it. It's still trem- bus. As soon as my feet hit the gravel Common Market provides a more valid
bling from the blow I gave it. of the driveway I get an icy feeling in basis for association among the major
"Greg, come down to breakfast." the pit of my stomach. I probably didn't European powers. That's it. And if she
It's my mother's voice. I figure I better do my homework. asks about DeGaulle, I'll say that he
get there before the bacon's gone. The was a brave man who sacrificed his po-
T h e cold shakiness persists even after
stairs have fewer steps than I remem- I am on board the bus. There are no tential as a great statesman because of
bered. seats left, and because of my height I the demands of an overpowering ego.
As soon as I get into the kitchen my have to stand up with the big kids. I What am I so worried about? I can
mother yells at me. "What are you doing recognize the bus driver, but he's not fake my way through. And it's not even
here like that? G o back upstairs and the one who usually drove us. Maybe faking. I really know the answers. I'd
put some clothes on." I realize I'm still it's his day off. The fat kid in front of like to see Kenny Raskin's face if I get
wearing the underwear I slept in. me hasn't turned around yet, but I know 100! What if I got 100 in every subject?
On the way upstairs I can hear my from the back of his neck that I don't I mean, hell, it's just sixth-grade stuff.
mother saying, "He'd forget his head like him. In a second I'll remember his Mrs. Mitescu'll think I'm a genius. Wait
if it wasn't attached." I always hated name. till I bring home my report card. They'll
that expression. I've got my history book, so today probably buy me an English bicycle!
My father says, "He didn't forget, must be Tuesday or Thursday. History. I can stick it in the back of my Mustang
he's just being smartass." She'll probably give a test. I look in my and use it to ride around the lakeshore
Nuts to them. They can't push me book to see what we're up to, and my in Chicago. Maybe I can even ride it
around anymore. In the bathroom, I English homework falls out. At least to the office.
continued
continued
Along with the others I push my way "My Future Career," capitalizing each have put in an extra g.
out of the bus and into the school build- word. , "Spell exaggerate for the class, Julie.
ing. I practically have to kneel down The rest is easier. I'm careful to make And if you're going to squint like that,
to get a drink at the fountain, which is my handwriting a little messy. The next Greg, maybe you should tell your
full of chewing gum as usual. My class- time I glance at the clock I have fifteen mother you need glasses."
room is the one with the poster of Mont minutes left. But I see that nobody else The fact that Julie gets it wrong, too,
St. Michel on the door. I wonder who's has even filled up a page and figure I'd doesn't make me feel any better. Mrs.
going to get to go to Europe on the better stop. Mitescu asks Gretchen to spell it. She
Bonbel account—me or Ed Brotsky? I spend the rest of the time writing is obviously floundering, and I am de-
Julie Neuberger has the desk next on the desk, so that it'll look like I'm ciding whether to help her out, when
to mine. She says hi and I say hi back. still hard at work. Before Kenny Raskin Kenny Raskin hisses the answer. "E-x-
I know she'll have to drop out of school comes round to collect my paper I use a-g-g-e-r-a-t-e," says Gretchen. She turns
in tenth grade because she gets in trouble. my sleeve to rub out what I've written. around and gives Kenny a blinding smile
Too bad she doesn't realize she's wast- He's such a brownnose he'd probably of gratitude.
ing her time here. tell on me. If he's this bad at twelve, Painful as it is, I don't want spelling
We pledge allegiance to the flag and can you imagine what he'll be like later? to be over, because math is next. It took
say the prayer. If they're going to abol- I never got to find out because his fam- me until high school to realize that I
ish one, why don't they abolish the other? ily moved away. was never going to be any good at math.
We sing "The Star-Spangled Banner" The next subject is spelling. Gretchen Now I use adding machines.
and only the girls know all the words. Smith comes in late and has to bring an Just then Chris Johanneson comes
When I sit down, I can't get my legs excuse because she had a dentist's ap- into the room with a note from the
under my desk, so I stick them out in pointment. How could I have forgotten guidance counselor asking to see me,
the aisle on each side. Mrs. Mitescu that she was in my class? It wasn't just Dmitri Roberts, and Alex Sangewicz.
takes attendance. She looks much a childish crush. She really is beautiful. Fat Dmitri pinches my arm as we walk
younger than I remembered her, around But in those days I never had the courage out the door. "Boy, are you in trouble,"
thirty-five or forty. to speak to her. he says. I try to stay cool, but I'm afraid
"All right, boys and girls, put away As she comes down the aisle toward I've blown the Bonbel trip to Europe.
your books and get your pens and pa- me, I realize that for the last twenty When we get to the office, I'm re-
pers ready." years I've been looking for her. I lost lieved to see that it's only the guidance
Desk-tops slam all around me as I track of her Once, and this time I don't counselor, not my account supervisor.
coolly plan my triumph. want to let her out of my sight. Any- Mr. Mex takes Dmitri inside, and Alex
"Today, we are going to begin by way, I think she likes me. When she and I sit on folding chairs in the hall,
writing a short composition on the sub- brushes by my desk, I whisper casually, waiting to be called in. There aren't even
ject "My Future Career." Papers will "That's a beautiful skirt you have on, any magazines to read. Through the
be collected in half an hour. Please hand Gretchen." closed door we can hear "Butterfly . . .
in your book reports at the same time. Immediately, she yells out, loud c a m e l . . . ostrich . . . butterfly." It sounds
Remember, spelling and penmanship enough for the whole office to hear, like Noah's ark. Alex says it's some kind
count!" "Mrs. Mitescu, Greg is bothering me!" of mental test.
English. That's even easier than his- Charlie Rittenhouse puts his arm to When Dmitri comes out, he's sweat-
tory. English was my best subject. I used his mouth and makes a fart sound. ing. "Mex's really got it in for you," he
to get nearly all B minuses. This should Everyone in the class laughs at me. says to me. I go in. Luckily, Mr. Mex
be a snap. Mrs. Mitescu says, "Since you've got doesn't notice my outstretched hand. He
I write my name, Greg Sampson, in so much to say, Greg, why don't you has a bunch of large white cardboards
the top right-hand corner of the paper. tell us how to spell exaggerate?" on the desk in front of him.
Then, finding the exact center of the I reel it off quickly, with my eyes "Oh, a Rorschach test," I say.
top line, I write across it, very neatly, closed. Her silence tells me that I should "Sit down, Sampson," he says. "This
is an inkblot test." He passes me the
cards one by one, and I tell him what
each one suggests to me. I'm deter-
mined to show him that I have more
imagination than Dmitri Roberts, but I
try to steer away from anything too sex-
ual. I give him poetic images, great
paintings, cloud formations, and mytho-
logical symbolism. I'm impressed myself.
Mex doesn't say a word, and I can tell
I've snowed him. On my way out, I
can't help asking how I did.
"There is no score on this test, Samp-
son. But I'll tell you something you might
find interesting. You are the only person
so far who didn't think of turning the
cards sideways or upside-down."
When I get back to class, I find I've
missed recess. Mrs. Mitescu is asking
Kenny Lewis to name the principal
products of the Philippines. He taps him-
self on the forehead several times with
his ruler before answering, "Rice?"
Social studies, I think, as I wedge my-
self into my seat.
"Herman . . . stop playing with your dinner!" "Rice is correct. But can you tell us
60
any others?" out of society, and go and live in New noting a sprinkling of awkw., wrong
Kenny Lewis can't. Kenny Raskin al- Mexico. Even assassinating President wd., and sp. At the bottom of the last
ready has his hand up. But Mrs. Mitescu Kennedy won't be enough!" page, where my composition leaves off,
passes him over in favor of Charlie Mrs. Mitescu suddenly comes to life. Mrs. Mitescu's begins, in perfect Palmer
Rittenhouse. He suggests cigars. Mrs. "Stop it! I won't hear another word of script.
Mitescu isn't sure. it! What utter nonsense! Insulting col- Your spelling and punctuation are
"Manila envelopes?" Julie Neuberger ored people in that disgusting fashion! above average. However, your grasp of
calls out. In despair, Mrs. Mitescu calls Is this your idea of a joke?" grammar is faulty. Too many slang
on Kenny Raskin. I realize I'm standing in front of her words! A better alternative to "bull-ses-
"Sugar, corn, copra, and hemp." desk. The bell rings. Thank fucking sion" should have been found. A good
I still don't know what copra is. I try Christ. rule is: if a word has to go in quotes,
to make myself invisible. She is looking I could use a drink, but I didn't bring it is not part of the English language.
in my direction. any lunch money. Charlie Rittenhouse Do not begin sentences with "and" or
"Can anyone tell us who liberated the comes up to me in the cafeteria. "You "but." You have been told this before!
Philippine Islands before they won their sure are cuckoo," he says. I bum an A sentence must have a subject, a predi-
independence?" apple and half a sandwich off him. May- cate, and a verb. "All the way to the
Gretchen waves her hand. "General be tonight I'll ask Gail over and cook top" is not a complete sentence.
MacArthur." us up a couple of steaks on the hibachi. I hope you plan your life better than
Of course, she would know that. Her When I walk back into the classroom, you did your composition. All in all, the
father is in the army. Mrs. Mitescu looks up from correcting writing is repetitious and uneven. Per-
"In the Spanish-American War," she papers. "I hope we've gotten over our haps you bit off more than you could
adds. She should have quit while she little temper tantrum of this morning," chew. You would have done better to
was ahead. she says. describe what an account executive ac-
"Greg Sampson, sit up like a little Mrs. Sheehy comes to us for art. tually does and what would be the best
gentleman and tell us when General Mac- college preparation for this. I fail to see
Picking the colors carefully, I execute
Arthur liberated the Philippines."
a set of crayon sketches of the four sea- the benefit of the "two-year brush with
I make a stab at it. "Forty-four or sons. Mrs. Sheehy says my work's im- the academic life" which you propose.
forty-five," I say. proving but that we don't make faces There is little point in going to college
"Which is it?" on suns in sixth grade. if you don't plan to graduate.
Well, he didn't liberate them in one I am no expert on the advertising in-
In the free period before gym, M r s .
day, you dumb tit. "Nineteen forty-five,"
Mitescu hands back our compositions dustry, but some of the steps which you
I say.
from this morning. Gretchen's paper is have outlined seem unrealistic to me.
"Well, a little learning seems to have Why would you want to spend six
on top of the pile for my row. "My Fu-
rubbed off on you after all. We've been
ture Career As a Model." I wonder what months selling encyclopedias, a year and
hearing the name General MacArthur a
agency she's with. If it's in Chicago, a half training to be a supermarket man-
lot recently. Why is that?"
maybe I could take her to Europe with ager, and a whole summer as a lifeguard,
I see myself whiz by on my Raleigh, when your true aim is a career in ad-
me on the Bonbel account. She got B
winning the Tour de France. "President
plus. vertising? Once again, you don't seem
Truman has just kicked him out of
I find my paper in the pile. C plus. I to be able to settle on what you want
Korea," I announce.
put it face downwards on the desk be- to do within the advertising company.
"What? What did you say?" Perhaps you would do better to remain
fore turning around to hand the other
Oh Christ. It hasn't happened yet. papers to Gretchen. She probably never a copywriter. The clear thinking needed
"Well, I mean he should, he's prob- in business does not seem to be your
got to modeling school anyway.
ably planning it right now, because
Mrs. Mitescu has written all over my strong point.
otherwise we'll get involved in a full-
scale land war in Asia, and the Soviet paper. The red ink still makes me cringe. Personally, I cannot see why anyone
Union will come into the fighting, and I run my eye quickly down the margins, with any creative talent whatsoever
anyway our allies will never put up with continued
it, not to mention the other Asian coun-
tries, and it would be only the beginning.
What are we doing there anyway? We
can't police the world!"
Mrs. Mitescu and the rest of the class
are immobilized. But I've crossed the
thirty-eighth parallel, and it's too late to
turn back now.
"We haven't solved the problems of
democracy in our own country, and here
we are forcing it on the rest of the world!
Why should we be in Vietnam killing
colored people, when at home our black
people and our poor people don't even
have a chance to get ahead? They won't
stand for it much longer without pro-
testing. You'll see 200,000 black people
marching on Washington! Watts, Cleve-
land, Detroit, Newark will go up in
flames! Students everywhere will re-
volt like in France! Meanwhile America
is spending its money to let a man play
golf on the moon. N o wonder half the
country will grow its hair long, drop

continued
would want to waste his time writing Standards have loosened a lot. If it's a we haven't finished eating. I've never
ads. Work hard, and there will be many best seller, I'll send a copy back to the seen him do that before. "Gregory, what
careers open to you in the liberal arts. school library, autographed. books have you been reading lately?"
If you find you are still interested in One of my blisters has burst. I wasn't ready for that. Did I leave
writing by the time you finish college, Motel Lust in my locker? No, it's under
the American novel is sorely in need of It takes me quite a while to clean the the bathtub. I decide to play it cool.
help!! garage, figuring out where to hang the "What do you mean, books? Sir."
Handwriting—fair. Your capitals are rakes and everything. I'm just sweeping "You know what I mean. I mean
not consistent. the floor when my father drives up. He where did you get the goddam ridiculous
Teachers must be sadists. Imagine parks outside and comes in to inspect notion that General MacArthur isn't
telling all this to a twelve-year-old kid. my work. He says I've done a pretty qualified to defend our country? What
I fold up the paper until it is so thick it good job. He tells me to set up the water do you know about it, you pipsqueak?
won't fold any more, and drop it through sprinklers on the lawn and goes into Who's been telling you these things? If
the hole in the top of my desk. Stupid the house with his paper. you've been down at Wasserman's candy
assholes. Nobody's used inkwells since Pretty soon, supper's ready. The store again, I'll beat you within an inch
1920. whole house smells of gingerbread. My of your life! Filling your mind up with
It's time for gym, and we file down mother says it's a reward for being a garbage!"
to the locker rooms. It's a nice day, so hard worker. "He's always reading comics," my
we're going outside. I hope it's softball. She's piling more mashed potatoes on mother contributes.
I'm wondering what position I'll get to my plate when the phone rings. My "He'll be sorry he ever learned how
play when Dmitri Fatso asks me where father gets up and goes into the hallway to read. He thinks he can get up in front
my gym clothes are. I don't have any. to answer it. The way he says, "Yes, this of the class and insult the teacher, and
Dmitri's face lights up. "I bet Coach is he," suddenly makes the potatoes hard insult our country. The only thing he
gives you a thousand laps." to swallow. didn't do was spit on the flag!"
One thing, it gets me out of the warm- It's a long conversation. My mother Mitescu, you cunt. How did I know
ing-up exercises. I didn't remember the. and I are both eating silently, straining you had a soft spot for MacArthur?
field was so big. By the time I've run to hear. I am listening for the one word "Military school, that's what heneeds,
around it once, I'm exhausted and my that will let me know I'm off the hook. goddammit!"
brother's shoes are giving me blisters. I try to persuade myself that it's my "Watch your language, Earl."
I start cheating on the corners. father who's in trouble for a change. "It's probably all over town by now.
I'm thinking of my air-conditioned But I know I'm wrong. The next thing you know, Joe McCarthy
office at Leo Burnett. Who could have My mother knows, too. She tries to will be phoning here, wanting to start
told Mitescu I wasn't management mate- catch my eye, but I look down at my an investigation. They'll probably kick
rial? Probably Ed Brotsky and that wop plate, pretending I'm involved with the me out of the Lions Club."
art director he thinks is so shit-hot. mashed potatoes. It's not Mrs. Mitescu. Oh, shit. McCarthy. Wasn't he later?
If I hadn't left State, I could have I know it's a man because otherwise my My father stomps out to move the
gone into teaching. I'd be an associate father wouldn't let himself get that an- sprinklers. I'm wondering what the odds
professor by now. I bet Mrs. Mitescu gry. I hear the words "MacArthur" and are on gingerbread.
doesn't even have her M.A. then "patriotic as the next m a n " and He is back inside already. "Margaret,
How long would it take me to finish did you move my car into the garage?"
"only a crazy kid." The principal.
my novel if I really got down to it? I When my father comes back into the "It was me, Dad," I say, trying to get
guess it's still in the liquor cabinet under on his good side. "I didn't want the
room, he's so worked up he can't even
the phone books. Maybe I should go sprinklers to ruin the Simoniz job."
sit down. "Who was it, Earl?" my mother
someplace with it for a couple of weeks. "Have you gone crazy?"
asks.
I never took it out of my suitcase in "You could have killed yourself." My
My father takes his cigarettes off the mother is panicked.
Barbados. I should put more sex in it. sideboard and lights one, even though Twelve-year-olds don't drive.
"Go to your room. I'll speak to you
later. And don't let me ever catch you
doing a crazy thing like that again."
In revenge, I don't do my homework.
Hopeless as it looks, I start putting the
wing back on my Me-109. The smell of
the glue gets me thinking. Wow. All
suburbia will be turning on in a few
years. I'd like to dump LSD in their
water supply. Chagrin Falls, totally
stoned out.
I squeeze the other blister before I
get into bed. I bet I'd make a fortune
if I could be the first one to put "Old
Soldiers Never Die" on a record.
As I fall asleep, I can't help thinking

of my nineteenth-floor apartment, where,
after watching a whole day of color
television, eating two-thirds of a lemon
meringue pie, playing all the records
and leaving them out of their jackets, a
twelve-year-old kid in pajamas is lean-
ing out the window, dropping water
bombs on the cars below. •

Illustrated by
RANDALL ENOS
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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. £ "
The Final Seconds by Tony Hendra
Something had happened to Moose Moose trotted into the showers, where, as not would turn the tables on his
Nixon. In the very first day of fall prac- naturally enough, there was a good deal would-be baiter by having a glib come-
tice, everyone noticed it. Where there of friendly razzing and ragging of the back on the tip of his tongue.
had been a dependable reserve halfback, varsity for letting one of the scrubs steal "Hey, Nixon, old man, I hear they're
there was now a whirlwind of dynamite the ball. Moose listened happily. offering you a big contract in the talkies,"
who could smash holes in the defense Outside the gym, he was joined by said one jolly chap.
like a pile driver. his roommates and inseparable chums, "I'm holding out for more money,"
And what had transformed the tall, Ruff Mitchell and Bubbles Kissinger. hurled back Moose.
blond young giant into a born gridiron "I couldn't believe it was the same old And then everyone knew he was a
warrior? A simple little thing called Moose," quipped the irrepressible Bub- stout fellow and that the publicity hadn't
determination. When Moose passed bles. gone to his head.
through Whittier's great main gate in "I feel the same," came the neat re- There was one exception to this rule
September, he knew that his grueling tort. —the varsity halfback, Blade Reagan.
summer had been worth it. A lump had But all this frivolity was cut short by Of all the varsity team Reagan was the
risen in his throat as, bareheaded, he had Coach, who suddenly emerged from his shakiest. H e was fast and could pull off
looked up at the immortal words chiseled office and handed Moose a sheet of some tricky laterals, but his blocking and
into the ivy-covered granite: paper. tackling left a lot to be desired. His
"Get these," he implied quietly and jibes at Moose were not good-natured
PRIDE COURAGE VERACITY
disappeared. and sporting like the others', but sar-
"One more play, fellows," cried Moose-regarded the paper in disbelief. castic.
Coach. "Then you can take your run Blood and ice raced up and down his "In the heat of a game you'll see the
and shower." spine. His clean-cut face flushed, and his difference between a scrub and a varsity
Moose's heart beat a little faster, and massive knees went momentarily weak. man," he hissed, for instance.
a fine dew of perspiration stood out on "What is it?" requested Ruff. Moose fought down a hot flood of
his brow. This was his last chance to The well-formed lips parted breath- anger.
show Coach what he could do against lessly. "Oh yeah?" he averred.
varsity. The deep-chested, slim-waisted "The varsity signals," whispered Nix- His teammates chuckled at the clever
frame was like a coiled spring as the on. riposte, but something about Reagan
signals were called. gnawed at Moose's vitals. He talked it
The ball snapped! Moose sped for the After classes the next day, Moose, over that evening at supper with his
goal like a bullet from a gun. Two of the Ruff, and a few other jolly fellows were chums Ruff and Bubbles in the low-
varsity secondary raced alongside him, gathered round some lucky chap's beamed dining hall.
covering him pace for pace. Ahead, the boodle box, when Bubbles suddenly "Perhaps he's trying to get your goat,"
safety completed the six-pistoned dyna- burst through the throng, waving a news- suggested the stolid Ruff.
mo he had to beat. It was all or nothing. paper. "If he is, give it to him in the seat of
Four pairs of clear blue eyes watched "You're a star, old man," he cried. the pants," offered the unquenchable
the pigskin drop slowly out of the ozone Moose grabbed the paper, which was Bubbles.
as they ripped towards goal. Moose open at Levine's column: They all roared at this, and their talk
Nixon knew he would have to leap as turned to other things, such as running
N E W L U M I N A R Y ON
he'd never leaped before. plays and cleats.
WHITTIER H O R I Z O N
He was in the air. His hands were but Looks like the hallowed halls of
two in a forest of outstretched arms, The game against Salem was Moose's
Whittier have given us yet another
reaching for the prize. And then sudden- first chance to show his form for the
gridiron gladiator 6f the first cali-
ly, there it was, safely clasped in his varsity. Coach did not send him in till
ber. At the first-day scrimmage
arms, and he was over the line. the second half, with Whittier trailing
today, a huge blond scrub named
"Who is that huge blond youngster?" by a hefty 13-0.
Moose Nixon . . .
someone asked Coach on the sidelines. From the first play, Moose noticed
It was Levine, sportswriter for the He read no further before the paper that something was not.clicking. When-
Whittier Courier and Post-Dispatch. was torn from his hands. Within seconds ever he had the ball and Reagan was to
"Nixon. Moose Nixon," muttered his broad back was raw from congrat- open a hole for him or run interference,
Coach. He did not trust newspapermen, ulatory pats. he was stopped for no gain. A dark sus-
especially Levine. But he was not so lucky at practice. picion began to form in his mind, but
"He looks like varsity material,", Coach and team were merciless in giv- he sent the idea packing. There wasn't
mused Levine, fishing for his fountain ing him the merry razz. Moose took the a man alive who'd stoop so low as to
pen. joshing square on the jaw and as often betray his team and school for a per-
continued
continued
sonal grudge! for yourself because you play like a by the curb.
In the last minutes of the third quar- load of lard," he yelled without con- "Isn't that Reagan's jalopy?" inquired
ter, Roche, the varsity captain, sent viction. the undauntable Bubbles.
Reagan out on an end play with Moose "You can insult me all you like," "Couldn't be—he's in training," in-
running interference. After taking out grated Moose quietly. "What gets my sisted Moose.
seven men for him, the sleek-haired goat is that you could stoop so low as The car was outside a local hall where
halfback scored. Moose was the first at to betray your team and school for a some hayseeds were evidently holding a
his side. personal grudge." barn dance. As usual, all that could be
"Great work, old man. Beautiful run." "You play like a hillbilly," snarled heard inside were angry words and raised
But there was no praise in return, no Blade emptily. voices. Above them all, however, was
manly arm flung round his shoulder, no Hot rage flushed Moose's clear face. the thick, drunken .sound of Reagan.
friendly slap on the pants for teamwork "Those are fighting words," he ex- The untrustworthy halfback was
well done. Reagan turned away to ac- pectorated, his manly voice sawing the standing unsteadily in the middle of a
knowledge the cheers of the crowd. air. Reagan unleashed a crippling left cheering crowd of locals, one hand
Whittier could win with another hook at Moose's square jaw without the round the waist of a painted woman and
touchdown. In the final seconds Roche least warning. Just then there was a the other waving a bottle of cheap
called a Statue of Liberty play. The ball commotion on the old stone steps below. whiskey.
snapped! Reagan stood, arm outstretched "Massa Moose, Massa Moose, where "Good Lord," blasphemed Ruff, "he's
with the ball, feinting the snarling Salem yows gwine?" utterly polluted!"
line. Moose shot behind the dark-eyed It was the team handyman, Rasty. H e Quickly the shocked trio pushed
halfback, poised for the toss-out. came staggering up the steps, round eyes through the tipsy farmers and, prying
It never came. Reagan looked straight popping and froth speckling his thick their worthless colleague free of the
at him and turned away. He feinted twice lips. Under his arm was the varsity mas- hussy, propelled him towards the door.
more and was engulfed by the. huge cot, a little terrier named Hash. Moose "Hey, you," slurred one of the hicks,
Salem defense as the gun went. And in threw a casual glance over his shoulder. his glazed eyes bloodshot with liquor,
that split second Moose Nixon had seen "What is it, Rasty?" he demanded "ain't you that football star we read of?"
what the dark gleam of revenge looked evenly. "I'm busy with Mr. Reagan." Moose shook off the calloused mud-
like in a man's eyes. It was not a pretty "Dis heah dawg am mighty sickly caked hand.
sight. Massa Moose an I's ascared he's gwine "You? Read?" he snapped. "Don't
Moose confided his suspicions to his up to hebben where de angels am," gib- make me laugh."
chums that evening as they gathered bered the darkie. The huge chums pushed through the
round Ruff's boodle box. Moose smiled despite himself at the stunted hayseeds and hauled the reeling
"I can't imagine," he completed, "that coon's quaint lingo. He took Hash in halfback out into the crisp night air.
any man could stoop so low as to be- his arms. The dog's eyes were dull and "Fine name you're giving Whittier,"
tray his team and school for a personal his snout warm. burned Moose.
grudge." "He is sick," he mused, tears darting "Save it for Sunday school," vomited
"This is a matter for the honor com- to his eyes. "We must get him to the Reagan. H e leapt into his roadster and
mittee," cried Ruff impetuously. vet." weaved off down the road.
"This whole thing's between Blade Within minutes Reagan's caddish be- Levine's column the next morning
and me," shook Moose with his head. havior was forgotten, and the three was not a pretty sight:
"Aw, take off the kid gloves and house chums were speeding through the chilly
slippers, Moose," interposed the undous- fall night in Bubbles' roadster. WHAT GIVES AT
able Bubbles. "Give him a good poke in There was nothing seriously the mat- WHITTIER?
the schnozz." ter with Hash, so, leaving the pooch in Seems the gridiron gladiators
Moose confronted Reagan in his the medico's trusty care, they tooled tackle more than dummies during
study. Blade looked uneasy and a shadow back to Whittier. A mile or so from the their training. At least two had a
crossed his thin face. school the bright swathe of their head- crack last night at wine, women,
"You're just trying to find an excuse lights revealed another roadster parked and song but went down to a crush-
ing defeat. And one of the bozos
who gave away points to painted
women and cheap liquor was none
other than our star, Moose Nix-
on...
"That does it, Moose," rasped Ruff as

he scanned the Jew's bitter words.
"You've got to tell Coach everything."
"I can't, fellows," sighed the enor-
mous fullback, heartbroken. "I can't tat-
tle. That's all there is to it."
Coach took Moose aside at practice.
"Is this Levine's story true?" he
snapped sternly.
"Partly," parried the wretched lad
thickly.
A hot flush of grimness crossed
Coach's face questioningly.
"I did nothing dishonorable to team
or school, sir," he insisted quietly.
Coach turned away decisively. Moose
left the field dejectedly. Ruff and Bub-
"The will is quite simple." bles joined him miserably. Blade watched
continued
70
\
<.
wr^î
•**»'»f*^
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. id »l

continued
happily. The team played badly. Night expounded his mission. "Hold State, men," he barked, and the
fell slowly. "Is this true?" lammed Coach. -team felt a new surge of strength shoot
"As if God had written it," nodded through them at the husky, familiar
Days passed. Whittier lost game after Levine. voice. Sparks of companionship and
game. They fell to Bear Lake, Ivy House, Ignoring the Jew's blasphemy, Coach iron determination sprang from one
Moneymound, Hick Cliff, Deer Park, dispatched Rasty to find Moose, while man to the next as they touched in an
New London Poly, Almond Tech, and he made a beeline to the field where impregnable line. Three times the des-
Fruit Hall. The day of the big game State was already pressing Whittier for perate State line crashed against that
against State grew closer. And, although a seven-yard loss. human bulwark, and not an inch could
he kept himself in tip-top shape, Moose "Reagan," Coach thundered. "Turn in they move it. They kicked.
knew that he would not be there for the your uniform and leave this stadium— Whittier huddled. Less than a minute
grand old game. He could not tattle on for good." » and eighty-three long yards from the
a teammate, however despicable a cad The dark-haired halfback knew the prize. This was no time for deception.
he might be. jig was up. Without a word he slunk off There was only one play. The first time,
And so the day of the State game the field, never to be seen again. Already Roche, hanging tenaciously onto the ball,
dawned. Moose sat alone in his room, the air seemed cleaner. went down for a loss beneath the mas-
reading the Bible. Far away he could Meanwhile, trusty Rasty was banging sive State onslaught. The second time,
hear the roar of the crowd as Roche on Moose's door. State blasted through the Whittier line,
kicked off for Whittier. He could tell "Doan youse no gwine I's minded red-dogging Roche unmercifully for an
from the cheers of the Whittier rooters bodd bossy, and youse beah picks up yoh incomplete pass. Only seconds left!
that his team was fighting a desperate feets." Two fifty-yard runs to no avail had
battle against an overwhelmingly pow- But the huge blond fullback ignored sapped Moose's strength. Yet still he
erful State team. the frothing blackamoor. sprinted back.
At the stadium, Levine had been "Massa Moose youse beah gwan "Let's give it that old Whittier try,"
called from the stands by an old ally of down mushy sebben pons less youse he emphasized.
his—the painted woman who had se- roanin heah?" Buoyed to superhuman effort by the
duced Reagan. But her face was no And on he went, smashing at the vast blond young giant's stirring voice,
longer painted and her figure was clad panels with his big black paw. Finally the Poets girded their loins.
in the demure uniform of the Salvation Moose relented and opened the door a The ball snapped! The line held! The
Army. crack. pigskin flew up up into the ozone. Moose,
"That's the whole story, Mr. Levine," "What is it, you stupid old nigger?" streaking downfield, calculated it would
she admitted. "I never was with Moose he inquired wijh a tired smile. be sixty-two yards. He had to drive his
Nixon that night like I said. It was Blade Risking everything for the team, the legs like pistons. The five-yard stripes
Reagan," she faltered. ancient darky grabbed Moose by the passed beneath him like railroad ties. His
"But why did you do it? Why? Why?" wrist and dragged him bodily to the heart hammered in his breast like a mad
pressed the journalist. field. thing. Six men covered him.
"It was Nixon's straightforwardness, "Nixon, get into your togs! Levine re- He was in the air. He was above them
his quality of simple trust, his upright counted everything," gasped Coach in all. The ball was safe in his arms and
moral stance. I had to destroy him." relief. "Why in heaven's name didn't there were ten yards to go. Two men
Tears flowed from the clear blue you tell me?" remained. They caught him at the seven-
eyes. "I couldn't tattle, sir," came the calm yard mark, but he stayed on his feet.
Muttering in Hebrew, the narrow- reply. Five yards to go. He smashed his mas-
shouldered sportshound rushed to the Coach ruffled the blond hair affec- sive thighs and calves deep into the turf,
Whittier locker room. It was half time, tionately. dragging four hundred pounds of bone,
and Whittier was trailing 6-0. "You young fool," he muttered, a muscle, and leather with him. He had
"What the heck do you want?" break in his voice. to make it, that last desperate inch of
snapped Coach as the bespectacled press- Moose Nixon ran out to a deafening ground. Summoning up every ounce of
man appeared round the corner. Levine cheer with only minutes to go. strength, straining every fiber, the vast,
wavy-haired, square-jawed young colos-
sus crashed his way across the State line.
Seconds later, with the kick good,
Whittier's victory and the Great Run of
Moose Nixon were already history. And,
as he was lifted bodily to the shoulders
of his cheering teammates, his blond
hair whipped by the chilly November
wind, wave after wave of tumultuous
applause flooded over him like an ocean,
and, thundering through his head like
the crashing of surf went the three sub-
lime words
PRIDE COURAGE VERACITY
"Dick, Dick," interspersed Pat fondly.
"Hrmpf, wzzn, gnnr," mumbled the
short, puny, weak-kneed, paunchy, blue-
jowled, flat-footed, narrow-shouldered,
s u n k e n - c h e s t e d , n e a r s i g h t e d , flabby-
waisted, slack-muscled President
thickly.
'Now what's he sulking about?" "I'm falling," said night slowly. •
72
Gerald R. Leslie, Ph.D.
President, National Council on Family Rela-
Announcing one of the most tions; Prof, of Sociology, Univ. of Florida

Harold I. Lief, M.D.
Professor of Psychiatry and Director of the
important new publications Division of Family Study, Univ. of Pennsyl-

vania School of Medicine; Dir. of the Center
for the Study of Sex Education in Medicine
of our time Eleanore Braun Luckey, Ph.D.
Why a serious Sexual BehaviorI devoted lo aulhorilall

Professor and Head of the Department of
Child Development and Family Relations,
University of Connecticut
J. Lawrence Manuell, M.D.
magazine about sex? Sex conflicts in President-Elect, American College Health As-
sociation; Director, University Health Services,
"I lose my respect for the man who can "young marrieds"
make the mystery of sex the subject of New York University
a coarse jest, yet when you speak earn- Sex away from home * James L. Mathis, M.D.
estly and seriously on the subject, is Debate: will Professor and Chairman, Department of Psy-
silent." Henry David Thoreau women's lib chiatry, Virginia Medical College
Masters and Johnson, the emi- really help women? Roy W. Menninger, M.D.
nent researchers in the physiology President, The Menninger Foundation
Sadomasochism
and psychology of sexual behav- What happens to
Thomas C. McGinnis, Ed.D.
ior, estimate that at least half the marriages built
President, American Association of Marriage
and Family Counselors; Associate Professor
marriages in this country are con- primarily on sex?
in the Graduate School of Health Education,
tending with some form of sexual Sex quiz New York University School of Education
inadequacy. Physical attraction
Emily H. Mudd, Ph.D.
This is one of the reasons why in courtship Professor Emeritus of Family Study in Psy-
many of America's leading au- chiatry, University of Pennsylvania School of
Sex and the heart Medicine
thorities on sexual matters—from Patricia Schiller, J.D.
a variety of disciplines—have Common causes
of frigidity Executive Director, American Association of
joined together to create one of Sex Educators and Counselors
the most interesting, informative New sexual
attitudes of John L. Schimcl, M.D.
and helpful publications you young people Associate Director, William Alanson White
have ever received: SEXUAL Institute of Psychiatry, Psychoanalysis and
Answers to questions Psychology, New York City
BEHAVIOR.
"With the increasing emancipation of science
Some of the subjects
from the shibboleths and taboos which have The distinguished that will be covered:
fettered knowledge of human sexuality, more
and more important material is evolving. It is Editorial Board: Alcohol and sex • Blackmail and sex
Cross-dressing • Child molesting • Coital
important that this scientific material be trans- Richard D. Amclar, M.D. frequency • Psychological castration
lated and transmitted to the lay public by qual- Pres., Society for the Scientific Study of Sex; Compulsive coital activity • Dreams about sex
ified scientists." Clinical Professor of Urology, and Director, Depression and sex • Duration of intercourse
ALAN F. GUTTMACHER, M.D. Male Infertility Clinic, N.Y.U. Medical Center Sudden death during sex • Effeminacy in boys
Pres., Planned Parenthood—World Population Robert L. Arnstein, M.D. Effect of TV on child's sexual attitudes
Chief Psychiatrist, Department of University Fantasies during intercourse • Flirting
Health, Yale University Frigidity • Foreplay and female orgasm
"It is high time that the nonsensical and titil- Graffiti • Hypochondria and sex
lating sex material on the newsstands made Alan P. Bell, Ph.D.
Senior Psychologist, Institute for Sex Research Hostility and sex • Headache and sex
room for valid, honest, scientific and helpful Inability to reach orgasm in men • Incest
material about sex. There has long been a Jessie Bernard, Ph.D. Impotence • Jealousy • Lesbians
need for forthright, intelligent discussion of Honorary Research Scholar and former Prof, Lewd phone calls • The "Lolita" complex
sexual matters, and SEXUAL BEHAVIOR of Sociology, Pennsylvania State University Marriages without sex • Masturbation
will go a long way to fill this need." Carlfred B. Brodcrick, Ph.D. Multiple orgasms
HAROLD I. LIEF, M.D. Professor of Family Relationships at the Col- Menstrual cycle and sexual desire
Prof, of Psychiatry, Director Division of Fam- lege of Human Development, Pennsylvania Men who are uninterested in sex
ily Study, U. of Penna. School of Medicine State University Misconceptions about genital dimensions
Catherine S. Chihnan, Ph.D. Nymphomania • Nudity in sleep and coitus
Dean of Faculty, Hood College for Women Obsessions about sex • Painful coitus
"I welcome very much the kind of treatment Pretended climax • Phobias about sex
of sex promised by this magazine. The dis- Harold T. Christensen, Ph.D.
Professor of Sociology, Purdue University Peeping Toms • Prolonging intercourse
tinguished Board of Editors guarantees both Premature ejaculation • The "call girl"
scientific accuracy and honest, socially con- John F. Cuber, Ph.D.
Professor of Sociology, Ohio State University Promiscuity • Petting • Rape • Ritualized sex
scious treatment of the subject." Sex in old age • Sadism • Sexual jokes
Eleanor B. Easley, M.D. Sexual causes of divorce • Sexual myths
SEWARD HILTNER, PH.D., D.D. Clinical Associate Professor of Obstetrics and
Professor of Theology and Personality, Theo- Sex-related problems in business
logical Seminary, Princeton, N.J., and Edward Gynecology, Duke University Medical School. Sex without passion • Simultaneous climax
Gallahue Consultant on Religion and Psychi- Alex L. Finkle, M.D. Teenagers and the pill • Violence and sex
atry to The Menninger Foundation Associate Clinical Professor of Urology, Uni-
versity of California School of Medicine
"SEXUAL BEHAVIOR promises to fill a
Warren J. GadpaiUe, M.D.
Psychiatrist, Denver, Colorado; Member,
Special FREE
vacuum in the knowledge of the general pub-
lic. Sex is the one area that affects our lives so Committee on Adolescence, Group for the
Advancement of Psychiatry; Consultant in
EXAMINATION offer
strongly, yet about which so little is known. SEE FOR YOURSELF-
Certainly, sexual misconceptions are a primary Family Living, Jefferson County School Dis-
trict, Colorado WITHOUT RISKING A PENNY
cause of personal and marital difficulties, and
SEXUAL BEHAVIOR promises to be an ex- Paul H. Gcbhard, Ph.D. Already, hundreds of thousands of readers
cellent antidote." Director, Institute for Sex Research are enjoying SEXUAL BEHAVIOR. We in-
vite you to send for a copy of the newest
THOMAS C. McGINNIS, ED.D. Rabbi Roland B. Gittelsorm, D.D., Sc.D. issue.
Pres., American Assn. Marriage and Family Temple Israel, Boston, Mass. If you like it, you will be enrolled as a
Counselors; Assoc. Prof. Graduate School of Alan F. Guftmacher, M.D. Charter Subscriber at the special rate of one
Health Education, N.Y.U. School of Education President, Planned Parenthood Federation of year (12 issues) for only $7.50—instead of the
America, Inc. regular $10.00 subscription price. If you're
"While small groups of professional people Joan G. Hampson, M.D. not satisfied with your first issue for any rea-
have been publishing and discussing the re- Clinical Assistant Professor, Dcpt. of Psychi- son, simply write "Cancel" .on our bill, keep
sults of research on sexual behavior for several atry, Univ. of Washington, School of Medicine the issue, and pay nothing.
decades now, SEXUAL BEHAVIOR prom- Seward Hiltner, Ph.D., D.D. Act now. Don't miss another issue of
ises to provide a public forum that will open Professor of Theology and Personality, Theo- SEXUAL BEHAVIOR-the magazine more
communication and coordinate the efforts of logical Seminary, Princeton, N.J., and Edward and more Americans arc reading and talking
medical people, social scientists, attorneys, and Gallahue Consultant on Religion and Psychi- about.
others working in this important area." atry to the Menninger Foundation Published by Interpersonal Publications, Inc.,
S. Leon Israel, M.D. 299 Park Ave., New York, N.Y. 10017. Sub-
GERALD R. LESLIE, PH.D. scription Offices: 1255 Portland Place, Boulder,
Pres., National Council Family Relations; Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology, Uni- Colo. 80302
Prof, of Sociology, U. of Florida versity of Pennsylvania School of Medicine

f\\
+ *4
f&5
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A
Hi, I'm Big Rat.Welcome to 125th Street, the television show that teaches ghetto children their place.
One arrow leads up. Which pill leads up?

One arrow leads down. Which pill leads down?
Hey, Cocaine Monster, do you know Boy, do I!

the difference between high and low?
74
Oreo the Roach talks about colors. This shows the color white.
This shows the color black. What color does this show?
mo
mAnt'ssz
Ramon the Silverfish, do you have a 132 is a number. 014 is a number.

number for me? 582 is a number. 963 is a number.
301 is a very lucky number. It just paid off 500 to 1

75
.. •<
C^SrS
Hi, Oreo! Come and help me talk B has a Buh sound. B-b-b-bag. Bag.
about the AG family. -*
Let's count to ten. How many peo- One, two, three.

ple live in this room? -»
These rectangles are beds. These triangles are broken beds.
76
With the letters SK we can make an- The final word for today is Drag.
other word in the AG family. Skag. D-R-A-G. What a drag!
Four,five,six. Seven, eight, nine, ten.
Can you fit these triangles and rec- Probably not. But this square is the
tangles into this square? room the Jackson family has to
move into next month.
Who are the people in your neigh- The grocer sells the things you eai
borhood? Like gristle, chuck, and rotten meat
^"gg^mi^milWlW^'-^P'î
Holler for help and he never appears, It's exciting to think about some c
Rip something off—get. fifteen years. the other jobs people do in you
(Unless he takes a cut from you— neighborhood.
He's got to make a living, too!)
Pusher. Pimp.
Let's talk about hot and cold. When you feel hot, the hydrant help
you cool off.
78
Whatever food you're looking for, Can you recognize The Man in this
[f you are poor, then you'll pay more. picture ?
i/almmmM^^
Fireman. Exterminator.
Wino. Which of these would you like to be

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The mayor will let you have all the Then you will be cool. You will not
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Free Diploma
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shell, like the rest of them. It's not a Where can I get six gallons of cocktail
Coming pretty death."

"Dad, no, you can't," Doris screamed.
"I'm sorry, honey, but I've got to try,"
said Carstens. "It's for the good of hu-
sauce? Yes, you heard me right, cock-
tail sauce. All right, but hurry!"
"What is it?"
"No time to explain," said Havemeyer
Next
manity." abruptly. "Jeff, we've got to get some-
"Oh, Jeff, somebody, please stop him, thing to distract those beasts' attention!"
don't let him do it!" "How about this contents list from the
"And just how do you plan to talk National Lampoon!"
Month
to those overgrown appetizers, Doctor?" "It just might work. Let's have it."
"With mathematics, the universal lan- City of the Living Dead/A weekend in
guage. Now open that door!" Philadelphia!
"Do as he says, Professor," said Hazle- Dragula/From deep within the brood-
ton. ing mountains of Transvestia comes this
Horror "You'll be able to hear me through tale of the Queen of Darkness, a gay
"It's no use, Professor Havemeyer," this," said Carstens, pocketing a walkie- vampire able to assume the form of a
said Hazleton, as he turned the rheostat talkie. "Now all of you, get out of my poodle . . . and worse!
to overload. "The pleonastic electro- way." Bill Kunstler at the Salem Witch Trials
stator doesn't even slow them down! The T h e outer door closed with a heavy If Bill had defended the Salem 6, they'd
giant clams are still coming!" thud. be alive today!
"Our puny weapons can't stop those "He's mad, completely mad," said Sick Jokes of the Seventies /What weighs
mollusks," insisted Carstens, his voice Hazleton, putting his arm on Doris' VA pound and crawls? Why a fat Biafran
filling with emotion. "Nothing our sci- shoulder. baby, silly! And many more boffs guar-
ence can create is powerful enough. But "I'm getting'something on the radio," anteed to make you throw up all over
if we could only communicate with cried Havemeyer. your hand-tooled boots . . . and worse!
them, reason with them. After all, any "A2 plus B2 equals C2. A2 plus Coffins of the Great and Near Great/Is
civilization that can build a service for B2 equals C2. A2 aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!" it Jackie Kennedy's casket or a hand-
ten capable of spanning the stars must "Oh, it's horrible," cried Doris. some piece of Vuitton luggage? Only her
be enormously intelligent. Think of the "So much for peaceful contact," said undertaker knows for sure!
benefits for mankind: the cure for can- Hazleton bitterly. The Phantom of the Rock Opera Clad
cer, immortality, maybe even an answer "Wait a minute," barked Havemeyer. in a ghastly pink shirt, a weird charcoal-
to the servant problem!" Something he said, something about gray suit, and curious suede shoes, the
"I don't know about you, Dr. Car- there being nothing science could create last of the Sparkletones haunts the Fill-
stens," said Hazleton, "but I wouldn't powerful enough to stop them. Nothing more, breaking Peter Townsend's guitar
want to trade small talk with a fifty-ton science . . . that's it!" . . . and worse!
cherrystone that just ate South Bend, "What is it, Professor?" And much more, including rubber spi-
Indiana! "It's only a chance," continued Have- ders, trick teeth, electric noses, the Da-
Carstens snatched a soldering gun off meyer, frantically dialing the telephone. nish-modern novel, cruel and unusual
the workbench. "I'm going out there," "I just hope the lines aren't down. Hello, punishments, autos-da-fe, culs-de-sac,
he hissed, "and anybody that tries to hello, get me General Brycewell. Yes, silver pullets (1: "Who was that man?"
stop me is going to be wired for sound!" yes I'll wait. You see, Jeff, maybe we 2: "I don't know, but he gave me this
"Put that thing away, you fool," cried were on the wrong track, maybe the silver pullet!" 1: "Maybe he kills were-
Professor Havemeyer. "You don't stand answer is . . . hello, General Brycewell, chickens!"), and a free lifetime subscrip-
a chance. You'll end up on the half this is Havemeyer at the observatory. tion to Scanlan's magazine! •
80

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