154 MORE TEN-MINUTE PLAYS

(A good-looking young MAN in a suit enters with a brightly

colored plastic tray with coffee, cups, Sugar and cream. HE
stops.) The Man Who Couldn’t Dance
MR. SKILES. Hey, babes. I’m Ricky Skiles, Mrs. Dobbs’
lackey and designated fantasy sex object. Any of you gorgeous by
gams looking for a hit of caffeine? Jason Katims
LIGHTS OUT

THE END

155
 THE MAN WHO COULDN’T DANCE
The attic of Gail’s house in Connecticut. ELIZABETH sleeps in her
crib. ERIC and GAIL enter.

GAIL. Not too loud.

(THEY walk to crib. Look in.)

GAIL. Eric, this is Elizabeth.

ERIC. Oh my God. She’s really ... ugly.
GAIL. What?
ERIC. The kid is like a raisin or something.
GAIL. (To Elizabeth, whispering.) Don’t listen to him
Elizabeth. He’s jealous. (To Eric.) I’ve been wanting so much for
you to meet her. It’s like it would make the whole thing real or
something.
ERIC. God. She’s a beautiful little raisin, isn’t she? It’s what
was behind door number two.
GAIL. What?
ERIC. I don’t know. All night I haven’t been able to shake this
feeling. It’s like I’m visiting the life I could have had. A baby. A
house in Connecticut. A subscription to House and Garden.
GAIL. You won’t let me outlive that one will you?
ERIC. Come on Gail. House and Garden.
GAIL. I put it in the basket in the bathroom for you, you know.
I remember how frightened you used to be of bathrooms without
reading material.
ERIC. Don’t make me into some sort of like neurotic old
boyfriend Gail.
GAIL. Are you going to deny your severe fear of bathrooms?
ERIC. Bathrooms are frightening, horrible places. Cold.
Lonely. Sterile. But you should not use that to make me into some
kind of little anecdote. Like a chapter of your life that was some

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THE MAN WHO COULDN’T DANCE 159
little situation comedy. Do not
mistake neurotic fears and to cry.
obsessions for light comedy. Very
dangerous, Gail.
GAIL. I don’t want to get into a disc GAIL. I regret my choices? Fuck you.
ussion like this now, Eric. ERIC. I’m sorry. I said what I thought. I broke the unwritten
ERIC. What kind of discussion is
it, and when would you like Tule between us since we broke up. I’m supposed to smile, and talk
to get into it?
GAIL. A discussion about us. And never. They to you like I’m really interested in just the right amount of sugar to
’re waiting. put into the pecan pie recipe.
ERIC. They’re fine on their own.
GAIL. What is that supposed to mean? GAIL. I can’t believe you said that thing about my pie.
ERIC. What? ERIC. I liked the pie. I thought it had a little too much sugar. I
GAIL. They’re fine on their own. Fine? just don’t understand why everyone who makes pecan pie is
ERIC. It doesn’t mean anything. obligated to put too much sugar in it because every other pecan pie
GAIL. Are you Saying that my husb has too much sugar in it. It’s like a world doomed to repeat its
and is attracted to your girl horrors. I eat that pecan pie and I think we’re just marking time
friend. Is that it?
ERIC. Wooo. Hold on Gail. All I Said until the next goddamn Holocaust.
was they’re fine on their GAIL. Are you saying I baked a Nazi pie?
own.
GAIL. Fred and I happen to be ERIC, Not intentionally.
very, very happy. Together. GAIL. You shouldn’t have criticized my pie in front of
He’s not interested in some twen
ty-three-year-old music student
and her stupid thesis on Todd Rund company.
gren.
ERIC. You seemed very interested ERIC. Gail, ] am the company.
over dinner.
GAIL. Who the hell would write a
thesis on Todd Rundgren? Is (A beat.)
she going to hand out T-shirts and
loose joints at her orals?
ERIC. She’s just a date, Gail. A
date. GAIL. Oh am I glad that you are not the father of my daughter.
GAIL, It didn’t sound like that on
the phone. “She’s beautiful. I am so happy to not have to worry for her about your
She’s intelligent. She’s not hung
up by society’s rules.” These are
your words. I think inconsistency, your stubbornness, your uncanny ability to make the
you should grow up.
ERIC. Why? most politically and philosophically interesting choices leaving
GAIL. Why should you grow up? 7 yourself and your loved ones in the shit heap. Let’s just spend the
Are you asking m e wh rest of the night playing Pictionary. All right?
Should grow up?
” ° you my ERIC. This is the fourth time tonight you brought up
ERIC. Yes. I’m interested in hear
ing about it from someone Pictionary. Are you forcing me to play fucking Pictionary?
who thinks she has.
GAIL. That is what people do. GAIL. It’s just a game, Eric. Or am I wrong. Is it actually going
They get married, They have
kids. They remember their ideals to join forces with pecan pie to cause the next Holocaust?
fondly. They try to stick to them
in their own way. They donate to ERIC. It’s a waste of time. People sit around and solve
public television. They get by.
ERIC. Don’t cry, Gail. Please do meaningless little puzzles and form arbitrary alliances for no other
not cry. reason than to pass time. Well, time is passing well enough for me
GAIL. Oooh that gets me. What make
s you think I’m going to without games, Gail. Fred wastes enough of my time talking about
cry?
ERIC. Because you regret your choi his fucking boat. Does he really think I care about his fucking
ces. And now you’re going boat? All right, great. He bought a motorized flotation device.
160 MORE TEN-MINUTE PLAYS THE MAN WHO COULDN’T DANCE 161

Does he really think I want to go on for hour after hour about it? GAIL. You threw it away.
GAIL. So good. It’s good to know how you feel about Fred. ERIC. I never threw you away.
ERIC. How do I feel about Fred? GAIL. Not me. It. Everything. Eric you’re such an asshole.
GAIL. I always knew you didn’t like him. Everyone’s goddamn guru. Living by your values. True to
ERIC. How can I like him or not like him? I don’t know him. I yourself. The ascetic. The 20th Century Philosopher. Eric, I have a
know his boat. I could draw the blueprints for his fucking boat. I question for you. A real question, Why are you working on a farm?
don’t know him. Why? It’s like I’m supposed to admire you or something. I’m so
GAIL. It’s so goddamn easy for you. sick of your untraditional paths. The Farm Boy from Bensonhurst.
ERIC, What? You're wasting your intelligence. You’re wasting your intelligence
GAIL. It’s so easy for you not to play Pictionary. You’re funny, to pick vegetables. There is nothing to admire about that. It’s
verbal, provocative. Do you know how intimidated my husband is stupid.
by you? ERIC. You’re right. Why work with my hands to produce a
ERIC. Play fucking Pictionary, Gail. Play your heart out. I’ll reasonably priced source of nourishment for my fellow human
stay here with Elizabeth. beings while I could be getting fat and playing Pictionary.
GAIL. You belong with Elizabeth. GAIL. I gained four pounds. Four. Don’t you dare say I'm
ERIC. Purity-wise? getting fat. And there is nothing wrong with playing Pictionary,
GAIL. Maturity-wise. you goddamn all-knowing fool. You lost me.
ERIC. (Change of tone.) You don’t love Fred. ERIC. I know.
GAIL. What? GAIL. It pisses me off. It really pisses me off. That thing you
ERIC. You don’t love Fred. said about me regretting my choices. At least I made a choice.
GAIL. That’s it. I demand that you play Pictionary, Eric. I ERIC. But you do regret it.
goddamn insist. GAIL. I love Fred, Eric. I do love him. Not like I loved you.
ERIC. Why did you marry a man you didn’t love? But we have these things together. This family. This feeling. This
GAIL. I never said I don’t love him. sureness.
ERIC. Christ, Gail. Tell me you love him. Please. ERIC. I don’t consider your need for structure your strongest
GAIL. YOU GOT ON THAT FUCKING BOAT. The crucial trait.
point. The pinnacle time. The absolute quintessential turning point GAIL. Look, Eric, I don’t think I can have this conversation
om relationship and you’re on a fucking boat to fucking Saint with you. I’m sorry things had to happen the way they happened.
ohn. Let’s go downstairs.
ERIC. That has nothing to do with it. ERIC. Right. I’m sorry.
GAIL. It’s got everything to do with it. GAIL. You're just being yourself.
ERIC. You make it sound like you made some kind of choice ERIC. That’s what I’m sorry for. I should say goodbye to
between two men. Like it was me or him. : Elizabeth. Who knows when Ill see her again.
GAIL. It was.
ERIC. It was? Come on Gail. It’s a huge world. If it were a (ERIC walks to the crib. HE looks down. In a moment HE bends
choice between me or Fred most women would just fucking shoot over to her.)
themselves.
162 MORE TEN-MINUTE PLAYS THE MAN WHO COULDN’T DANCE 163

GAIL. I would arrange this? Like I did this to you?

GAIL. Eric! She’li wake up. ERIC. Invariably you would want to dance. And I wouldn’t
dance with you. I wouldn’t dance with you, Gail. And I could see
(But ERIC lifts her into his arms. When HE turns back his face is the hurt register on your face. I could see the anger build within
flush with TEARS.) you. I could see that this just wouldn’t do for you.
GAIL. Why didn’t you just say I can’t dance. Why didn’t you
just tell me?
GAIL. Eric. What is it? ERIC. Because it was the dam holding the water. If I let that
out. That one thing, everything would follow. I couldn’t dance. I
(ERIC coddles Elizabeth. HE puts his lips to her forehead. HE couldn’t have a normal talk about the weather with a neighbor
places her gently back in the crib.) without getting into a conversation about God, love and eternity. I
mean, after all, the weather has these huge connotations. I couldn’t
GAIL. What? act correctly in social situations. I couldn’t sacrifice truth for a
ERIC. It’s um. It’s this thing I need to tell you. I can’t dance, relationship. I couldn’t hold you when you needed to be held
Gail. because I wanted you to be stronger. Because I wanted to be
GAIL. You can’t dance. This is why you’re crying? Eric, a lot stronger. I couldn’t ask you for the warmth of your touch out of
of people can’t dance. need. I couldn’t let myself. I would only ask for your touch out of
ERIC. I don’t know why I can’t dance. But it’s—I can’t. I can’t Strength. Out of something that wouldn’t become sick and
make my body move in these ways that the music is demanding interdependent and symbiotic. I wasn’t able to do these things. I
that I move. It’s just so goddamn embarrassing. The situation. I don’t know, Gail. I mean, you marrying Fred didn’t really say
mean, standing in public around hundreds of people who are anything to me. It was like something in this continuum. This
displaying their purist, truest selves. I mean, it takes them no more cycle. I mean, it was this thing that happened in my life. The love
than two drinks and their souls are out there on the dance floor. of my life got married to another man. It didn’t seem permanent.
Their goodness. Their sensuality. They’re sharing and loving. I But the fact that Elizabeth ... The fact that this angel ... this
unbelievable gift isn’t mine. And will never be mine. This is
watch that, look at that. But my body fights it. I start to analyze the
music. The rhythm. The time signature. I understand the theory of killing me.
dancing. The idea of spontaneously sharing in this moment that GAIL. Oh my God, Eric. You’re human.
exists now and only now. The give and take with your partner. ERIC. I'll never have a daughter, Gail.
Two mirrors on a land where gravity holds you to this point and GAIL. Yes, you will.
then leaves you free. And that the universe happens right there and ERIC. I’m thirty-seven. I have done nothing but make myself
then. Like, truth. I understand this intellectually. But Gail, I never more isolated, unavailable, and unappealing. Believe it or not, it’s
have experienced it. I can’t dance. difficult picking up women with this type of conversation. I work
GAIL. How did Elizabeth make you think of that? for four dollars an hour, Gail. I never earned a college degree. I
ERIC. When we were together. There were all these times can’t bring myself to work for someone who is not producing
when you would arrange for us to be in these places. These parties. something with some kind of goodness. That rules out ninety-eight
And invariably there would be a band, or music playing and percent of job openings. And the other two percent pay
invariably people would start dancing. approximately four dollars an hour. I am not really going to
164 MORE TEN-MINUTE PLAYS THE MAN WHO COULDN’T DANCE 165

change. I don’t know why this is. People think I make these GAIL. I’m sure you’! do just fine on your own.
choices. But you’ve got to believe me, Gail, I have no control. I ERIC. She was just an excuse to see you. I figured, I’d call with
can’t dance. this woman in my life. I’d be less of a threat to the home. It was
GAIL. I never knew you couldn't dance. I always thought it really stupid of me.
was that you wouldn't dance. GAIL. No. It was human.
ERIC. Could you hold me? ERIC. Thank you for showing me your daughter. She is
GAIL. I don’t think so, Eric. I mean, I don’t think I would be absolutely the single, greatest thing I’ve ever looked at in my entire
able to let go. life.
ERIC. Yeah. You’re right. (Pause. ERIC wipes his eyes.) Gail,
there were these things that you needed. Just to breathe you needed (THEY are about to leave.)
them. And it was so clear that there was no way I was going to
provide you with them. And it was this thing that I did. This thing GAIL. Eric.
that I did. It wasn’t that horrible. You needed to find someone. I
felt that you needed me off the continent. Please believe me, Gail. (ERIC turns. GAIL walks up to him slowly. SHE puts her head into
When I got on that boat. I was thinking of you. Not of me. his chest. His arms fold around her.)
GAIL. I believe you.
ERIC. Well, this is a sign of times to come. The first time we GAIL. Eric, you are Fred Astaire. You are Fred Astaire.
had a conversation where your eyes stayed dry and mine didn’t. ERIC. No, no. Sweetheart. I’m Eric.
GAIL. I cried. GAIL. You are Fred Astaire. Just move the slightest bit. You
ERIC. We better get downstairs before Marie tells Fred about have nothing to prove to anyone. Just move a little slowly. The
her orgy with the British invasion. slightest bit. Don’t worry.
GAIL. There was one time you danced with me. ERIC. We should go down there.
ERIC. I don’t remember. GAIL. In a minute. Just one minute.
GAIL. On my wedding day.
ERIC. I couldn’t have. (GAIL rocks back and forth musically. ERIC makes a slight
GAIL. You did. I remember it clearly. I remember thinking movement trying to follow her. In a moment, HE relaxes. HE is
how strange it was to be in this wedding gown. On my wedding dancing. GAIL reaches over, still holding him and pulls the
day. Dancing with you. And you weren’t my groom. light cord.
ERIC. Oh yeah. That. I wasn’t dancing, Gail. I was walking. I BLACKOUT.)
convinced myself that I was walking very slowly and sideways. It
was the only way I could do it. THE END
GAIL. Eric, maybe one day ...
ERIC. Please don’t say it.
GAIL. Right.
ERIC. Gail, I cannot stand Marie. I can’t stand her. Please, find
something to say to her about me so she won’t expect me to sleep
with her tonight.