AARON BLISS

‘A MOST PERFUNCTORY AFFAIR’

The persons of the play

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM

LORD LUPUS-GREEVES LADY LUPUS-GREEVES
LORD THISTLEWICK COUNTESS HULME
DUKE OF WILMSLOW CAMILLA FORSYTH
EARL OF DORCHESTER
CONSTABLE WARBURTON
REVEREND GIDEON
CHARLES FORSYTH
NATHAN WRIGHT
ALBERT, Footman

ACT ONE

LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: So can we expect the Right Honourable Councillor

Fairfax be joining us on Thursday?
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: I believe so, but then the blaggard is notoriously
unreliable! (guffaws)
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Oh darling, you are scandalous!
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Well, with your notorious culinary masterpieces,
hopefully Lord Thistlewick will have an excuse to use his mouth for something other
than his infamously long-winded anecdotes and dirty jokes!

[Both laugh. REVEREND GIDEON approaches]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Good morrow Father, we certainly enjoyed your service

this morning. A bountiful congregation I should say.
REVEREND GIDEON: I thank you Lord and Lady Autumnbottom, both for
your compliments and invite to Thursday’s dinner party, which I am most looking
forward to, [gesturing to LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM] especially your famed dishes my
Lady!
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: You are too kind Father.
REVEREND GIDEON: Nonsense my dear, I believe that the late Earl Winchester
remarked that your marinated duck could inspire the dead to rise again!

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LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: (Laughs politely) Let us hope not. Wherever should we

seat them?

[All laugh together]

REVEREND GIDEON: (Stifling laughter) On that note, I shall wish you well.
Until Thursday! Good day to you both!

[REVEREND GIDEON exits. LORD and LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM walk arm in arm]

LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: You know, darling, Father Gideon’s sermon discussed

the blessing of children. Makes you think…
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Hah! There’s enough rapscallions tormenting the streets
and churning out a ceaseless din as is, without us adding to the furore!
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Seriously dear, would you not wish an heir? Someone to
blaze a trail? To continue your good name after we have fairly departed?
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Really Margaret, you are well aware of my stance on this
issue. All of those I should revere are continuously shamed by their offspring. Did you
hear about young Cecil Ellington being discovered with those East End harlots? Nothing
but dependence and disgrace!
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Oh Francis, you are prone to hyperbole! Imagine those
wide eyes looking up in awe, hanging on your every utterance, eager to learn from
you…tell me the prospect does not thrill you to your very core!
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: (scoffing) Yes, and what do you propose to do about your
commitments my love? You are already stretched with the duties thrust upon you by my
somewhat overbearing title, how in the world could you cope with an infant child, who
would demand every free minute of your occupation, who would disturb your slumber,
who would require constant attention? More to the point, how would I handle the
challenge to my position as head attention-seeker? (smiles broadly)
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Oooh you always end an argument with some ludicrous
statement! (tries to maintain angry expression but fails)

[They laugh together. LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM clings to LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM]

LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: (gushing) I think you would make a wonderful father.

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[As they pass an alley, they are suddenly disturbed by sounds of breaking glass. They turn
to the distraction to discover a young boy casually tossing full milk bottles into the air,
cackling as they smash and splash]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: My stars! That young ragamuffin is smashing people’s

milk bottles! Where are the constabulary when you need them?

[LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM takes an exaggerated scan of his surroundings for any sign of
authority. Meanwhile, LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM approaches the boy. LORD
AUTUMNBOTTOM realises her intentions and dashes to her, grasping her hand to
prevent contact.]

LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Please Francis, let me attempt to reason with him.

[LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM wrestles free of his grasp, LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM lets her
go reluctantly, and watches apprehensively]

LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Hello young man.

[NATHAN stops dead and turns to LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM. Her wears a suspicious
expression and does not speak]

LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: That’s quite a mess you’ve made there. (gestures to

broken bottles and streams of milk) What’s your name?

NATHAN WRIGHT: (surly) Who wants to know?

[LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM is taken aback. LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM makes a move

past her, until her hand gestures for him to stay back]

LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Well, I must say we are used to a slightly more polite
request, but I am Lady Autumnbottom, and (gesturing) this is Lord Autumnbottom.
NATHAN WRIGHT: (aggressive) What d’you want lady?
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: (flustered) Autumnbottom, Lady Autumnbottom. Well, I
suppose I would wish that you would tell me why you feel the need to destroy other
people’s property like that. Are you angry? Where are your parents?

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LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: (condescending) Yes, do they know where you are right
now?

[NATHAN reacts angrily, picking up an untouched milk bottle from his crate, and hurling
it in LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM’s direction. LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM ducks in time, as
the projectile narrowly misses his head, and smashes behind him. Losing his cool, LORD
AUTUMNBOTTOM makes a charge at NATHAN]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Why you impertinent little…!

[LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM acts as a barrier between the two. LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM

scans the streets again and spots a policeman. He hastily makes his way to said policeman,
gesticulating wildly. Soon, the two men approach, with LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM looking
sympathetically at NATHAN, who turns to run. CONTABLE WARBURTON soon catches
up and apprehends the youngster, marching him back to LORD and LADY
AUTUMNBOTTOM]

NATHAN WRIGHT: Get your filfy ‘ands off me, pig!

CONSTABLE WARBURTON: Do you know this charming fellow my Lord?
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: I should say not! Why he damn near struck me with one
of those bottles! I dare say his father needs to acquaint his backside with some well-
tailored loafers.
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Calm down darling, the youngster is clearly troubled.
CONSTABLE WARBURTON: Quite right m’lady. I’ll take the lad down to the station
and we’ll have some strong words with his parents, don’t you worry.
NATHAN WRIGHT: I ain’t got parents!
CONSTABLE WARBURTON: What’s that? You’re an orphan? Where do you come
from?
NATHAN WRIGHT: I dunno alright! Dunno how I got here innit!

[CONSTABLE WARBURTON looks at LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM, confused]

CONSTABLE WARBURTON: Very strange m’lord. He speaks in some strange strain of

English.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: (addressing NATHAN) Do you know your parents? Did
you come from the orphanage? Speak up lad.

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NATHAN WRIGHT: I don’t know how I got here! Me ma lives down the East
End. My dad don’t give a shit, ain’t never met the c-
CONSTABLE WARBURTON: (interrupting) That’s quite enough out of you! You are in
the presence of a lady! We’ll talk about this down at the station.

[CONSTABLE WARBURTON leads NATHAN away by his neck]

CONSTABLE WARBURTON: Dreadfully sorry about the disturbance. We shall deal

with this vulgar little oik, and let you good people go about your business. Good day
m’lord. M’lady.

[CONSTABLE WARBURTON tips his helmet to LORD and LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM,

and leads NATHAN away. LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM starts to follow, but is restrained by
her husband]

ACT TWO

[LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM sits at his writing desk, scrawling busily away on a stack of
important-looking documents. He is disturbed by the sound of a key in the front door.
Enter NATHAN WRIGHT, accompanied by LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: What in the world?

[LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM stands up and assumes masculine posture]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Unhand my lady wife you little miscreant, or I should…

LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: (interrupting) It’s okay Francis, I am quite safe. On my
way to collect the eggs from Mrs Cracknell I was filled with the most insatiable
humanitarian urge. After our encounter with this clearly-troubled young boy, I simply
had to discover his circumstances. Nathan does not know the whereabouts of his
parents. The officers could not find record of them, and my conscience implored me to
help a child in need.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: What are you saying my dear?
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: I….well, we have….adopted Nathan here.

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[LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM presents NATHAN in front of her, hands on his shoulders.

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM wears an expression of sincere astonishment]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: (clearing his throat) May I speak with you alone in the
dining room?
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Of course. Stay here for now Nathan, and do make
yourself at home.

[LORD and LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM adjourn to the dining room]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: By Lucifer’s beard! What in the name of God were you
thinking!? You have trifled with some foolish notions before Maggie, but this is beyond
the pale!
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Please, lower your voice Francis. Think of the
Cartwrights.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Believe me Margaret, our insidious neighbours are the
least of my concerns right now! I cannot begin to comprehend…
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: (interrupting) Let me speak for a moment. Now I realise
that this would not normally be our concern, but try and view it from my perspective.
Nathan is effectively an orphan, and he appears to be delusional.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Delusional?
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Oh goodness, yes. At the police station, he quite frankly
turned the air blue, had to be constantly restrained, and appeared to suggest he was
being persecuted due to his African origin. (pauses)
I mean, he is quite clearly of West European heritage.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Clearly.
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: His dialect is a strain of which I am not familiar, and his
clothes are almost all synthetic fibres, the likes of which I have never encountered.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: So where on Earth did he come from?
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: I should certainly like to know. Maybe we can get
through to him.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: With all due respect Margaret, this is an uncontrollable
petty thug! The very fact you have welcomed him into our home puts us both at risk!
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Please…don’t you remember Father Gideon’s service?
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: I know you feel strongly about this issue of children, but
really, I must insist that-

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LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: (interrupting) No, no, part of the sermon discussed

offering shelter to the weary traveller. Or what about the story of the Good Samaritan?
This is our opportunity to come to the aid of one in need.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: The orphanage is far better equipped to take care of the
lad!
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Oh really, you know as well as I they should put him to
work and forget about him. Nathan is in far too fragile a state to be toiling all hours.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Are you not forgetting one crucial detail? The dinner
party on Thursday? Why, the Countess, Earl of Dorchester and Duke of Wilmslow will
be attending! This little vagabond will make a mockery of etiquette and decorum!
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Fret not, I shall train and nurture young Nathan. By
Thursday he shall be the very epitome of polite and articulate social grace!

[LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM puts his hand to his head, conceding defeat. He beckons
NATHAN]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Here lad.

[NATHAN enters the dining room, sullen]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: I realise the circumstances aren’t ideal, but I’d like you to
think of me as your father. For the time being. you are not merely a guest in our abode,
you are a member of our family, and as such shall pitch in and shoulder the
responsibility-
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: (interrupting) Really dear, don’t overload him. Nathan’s
been through a lot. Perhaps he would like a beverage. Would you care for a cup of Earl
Grey Nathan?
NATHAN WRIGHT: You got any cider?
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: How old are you son?
NATHAN WRIGHT: Eighteen mate. Gimme some cider.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: (taken aback) I’m afraid you are neither of sufficient age
nor maturity to drink in this household.

[NATHAN hurls a glass across the room, and storms outside, slamming the door. LORD
AUTUMNBOTTOM is indignant]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Why of all the nerve!

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LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Oh my! I’ll retrieve him.

[LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM hastily exits in pursuit of NATHAN. LORD

AUTUMNBOTTOM hangs his head]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: (addressing audience) Alas, alack! What dreadful

maelstrom has revealed itself? What frightful demonic youth has thrust itself upon this
hitherto harmonic household? Just three days to prepare for a gathering of the most
celebrated cognoscenti and intelligentsia in the Shire, and now fate deals this cruel hand
of uncontrollable brutishness. Whatever are we to do?

ACT THREE

[It is Wednesday, the day before the heralded dinner party. LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM is
pacing the drawing room. Enter ALBERT, the footman]

ALBERT: Would you care for luncheon yet, my lord?

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Not right now thank you, Albert. Lady Autumnbottom
should return at any moment. I will summon you.
ALBERT: Very good Sir.

[Exit ALBERT. LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM continues to pace, before a sound of the front
door opening stops him]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Margaret? Is that you?

[LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM calls out from the hallway]

LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Yes darling!

[LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM makes his way to the hall. LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM is

removing her coat. NATHAN stands next to her, dressed head to toe in impressively
tailored formal dinner wear, wearing a face like thunder]

LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Doesn’t Nathan look frightfully precocious?

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: (coughing) Well, I must say the lad looks rather spiffing.

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LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Okay Nathan, you can change out of those togs until
tomorrow. Careful not to crease them!

[NATHAN storms upstairs, yanking at his waistcoat]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: How on Earth did you convince young Nathan to wear
that delightful garb? I am most impressed my dear.
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Oh it was quite simple really. I promised you would take
Nathan hunting later today. You would not believe quite how enthused he was!
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: I….see. Well, perhaps you should work on the lad’s table
manners and etiquette post-luncheon. He seems to have much to learn.
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Nonsense, he has more about him than you realise
Francis. I dare say he simply needed to channel his boundless energy into more positive
modes of expression. No mind, we shall have a rehearsal of tomorrow’s revelry, and
Nathan will surely make a delightful impression on our esteemed guests.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Yes, well about these ‘modes of expression’. I could not
help but notice this morn that my best shoes were inexplicably located among the upper
branches of the great willow tree.
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: (stifling laughter) Yes, Albert did reminisce the retrieval
in great detail, an unfortunate occurrence. It won’t happen again. (calling upstairs)
Nathan dear! Are you ready?
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: What plans have you now?
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Nathan is about to learn the fine art of handling one’s
cutlery.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Very good. Well I will away. I’m to meet the Duke
Rochester at 1. Now, where is my cane?

[Exit LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM. NATHAN descends the stairs, and is led sullenly into
the kitchen by LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM. Opening the drawers of the cabinet, LADY
AUTUMNBOTTOM retrieves several items of cutlery. She presents a steak knife]

LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Now, do you know how to use this?

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ACT FOUR

[NATHAN stands beside LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM in a vast field overlooking woodland.

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM aims a shotgun high into the air and fires. A pheasant drops
dead some distance ahead of him. He lowers the weapon to address the boy]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Now, you say you’ve handled a weapon before?

NATHAN WRIGHT: I used to fire me air rifle at cats.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Why in the world would you be hunting cats? I’m not
sure they should be palatable.

[NATHAN shrugs]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Anyway, I spy another bird over yonder, do you see?
NATHAN WRIGHT: Yeah.

[LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM hands NATHAN the shotgun. A BEATER provokes the bird
into flying into range]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Steady lad. Just like I showed you. Follow the
line….there he goes! Now!

[NATHAN raises the shotgun. The weight is too much and he fires wildly off-target. The
BEATER is thrown backwards with the shot]

NATHAN: Oh shit!

[NATHAN drops the shotgun and begins to run]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Wait! Nathan! Come back!

[LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM swiftly catches up with NATHAN, halting his escape]

NATHAN: Look, I didn’t mean to shoot the guy I swear!

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Calm down, boy. You’re not in trouble. I dare say that
Higgins has been shot once or twice, perhaps not always by accident!

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[LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM laughs heartily. Soon, NATHAN joins in, and they laugh
together]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Yes, well, it’s not a problem; we should just have to
practice all the more. What do you say?
NATHAN: (smiling) Yeah!
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Though perhaps we shall need a new beater!

[They laugh together]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Well, my lad, we can try again tomorrow. Right now, the
Lady will be expecting our imminent return. Humphrey will collect our spoils. When he
recovers!

[NATHAN looks disappointed]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Chin up then. I dare say you will be a smash at the dinner
tonight.

[LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM puts his arm round NATHAN as they walk]

ACT FIVE

[The Dinner Party. REVEREND GIDEON, LORD THISTLEWICK, LORD LUPUS-

GREEVES, LADY LUPUS-GREEVES, EARL OF DORCHESTER, DUKE OF
WILMSLOW, CHARLES FORSYTH, CAMILLA FORSYTH, COUNTESS HULME,
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM, LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM and NATHAN are seated around
a long table. They appear to be waiting on their final course]

COUNTESS HULME: Speaking of drunks, I hear that Wilfred Winterton made

the most frightful spectacle of himself on Sunday last. A little too fond of the sherry I
should say.
LADY LUPUS-GREEVES: (snootily) What do you expect? His wife is the most
crashing bore, and his company is sinking faster than Walter at the swimming baths!
LORD LUPUS-GREEVES: (sarcastic amid laughter from the group) Why thank you
my dear, I do so enjoy being the butt of a good joke.

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LADY LUPUS-GREEVES: Oh darling, don’t be a stick-in-the-mud!

[LORD LUPUS-GREEVES rolls his eyes]

COUNTESS HULME: But what of the Copplestones? I hear their eldest is

engaged-to-be-wed…to a stable girl!
LADY LUPUS-GREEVES: (scoffs) Shameful. Not the slightest idea of their
obligations.

[LORD LUPUS-GREEVES rolls his eyes again]

COUNTESS HULME: (addressing NATHAN) So, Nathan isn’t it? I hear you
were quite the ruffian when the Lord and Lady took you in. I imagine you must be
eternally grateful to them, with your background, being welcomed into this wonderful
home, with all this privilege.
NATHAN: (pausing) Is your bling for real?
COUNTESS HULME: (coughs) I beg your pardon?
NATHAN: The rocks, they hot or what?

[COUNTESS HULME wears an expression of part outrage, part utter confusion]

LORD THISTLEWICK: (amused and tipsy) Why, I believe the lad is querying the
authenticity of the diamonds you are wearing my dear. (chuckles)
COUNTESS HULME: (angry and loud) Why, I never-
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: (interrupting) It’s quite alright, Countess. Young Nathan
meant it as a joke. His delivery and dialect are hard to decipher, so I am quite sure this
is why it was ‘lost in translation’, so to speak. No harm intended.
COUNTESS HULME: (upset and cynical in tone) Hmmm, yes, and where exactly
do you derive from, Nathan?
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: (anxious to prevent further conflict) He is from the
deprived East End my good lady. Despite our generational and class differences, Nathan
has proved an admirable adopted son, and I am proud to be his father.

[A hush descends over the table. NATHAN looks startled yet pleased at this announcement]

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REVEREND GIDEON: Then I propose a toast! For offering shelter to the

homeless, guidance to the wayward, and love to the unloved. For doing their Christian
duty. To Lord and Lady Autumnbottom, and their adopted son, Nathan!

[All, including a slightly reluctant COUNTESS HULME, raise their glasses]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Thank you kindly Father. It is a rare pleasure to have

such dignitaries in the same room at one time. Thank you all for attending.

[NATHAN stands up from the table]

NATHAN: (to LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM) I need to use the bog, errr,

toilet.
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Okay Nathan, you may be excused.

[Exit NATHAN]

COUNTESS HULME: (cynically) Why, what a charming young man.

LORD THISTLEWICK: Not many get the better of you my dear! (sniggers)
EARL OF DORCHESTER: Quite. Good to see some spirit in a youngster, even if he
could do with a great deal of refinement. I applaud your vigour. My goodness, it is dark
outside, what hour is this?

[THE EARL OF DORCHESTER fumbles around his waistcoat pockets, looking suitably
confused]

EARL OF DORCHESTER: Gadzooks, where is my pocket watch? (pause) Oh fiddle,

I must have left it in my jacket again. Excuse me everyone.

[Exit EARL OF DORCHESTER]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: So, Charles, how is your new venture coming along?
CHARLES FORSYTH: Well, i-(interrupted by voice from hallway)

EARL OF DORCHESTER: (raised voice from hallway) And just what do you think
you are doing young man!?
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: My goodness, what is that commotion?

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[LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM rises and heads into the hallway, quickly followed by the rest
of the guests. In the hallway, THE EARL OF DORCHESTER stands, indignantly facing
NATHAN, who is holding what appears to be the EARL’s pocket watch]

LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: What in the world? Nathan! Explain yourself!

EARL OF DORCHESTER: It is quite clear what has occurred here. This uncouth
little oik was making away with my new pocket watch!
NATHAN: I didn’t take nothing!
LADY AUTUMNBOTTOM: Nathan, explain yourself please.
EARL OF DORCHESTER: What’s to explain? I caught the ruffian red-handed on his
way out of the front door! I insist he be reprimanded severely. I admire you for offering
shelter to the great unwashed, but this is intolerable! Can’t you see, the lad has been
raised to steal, he cannot change now. Better off to the orphanage with him I say.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: That’s quite enough! How dare you castigate the child
without hearing his side of the story? It is pure snobbery I suggest!
(To NATHAN) It’s okay. Speak, lad.
NATHAN: I didn’t take nothing. I saw this dirty old man rooting
through the coats, he had silver stuff under his arms too. I grabbed the pocket watch off
‘im and he ran out into the street, dropped stuff as he ran.
EARL OF DORCHESTER: Hmmmph! A likely story!

[LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM strides to the front door, which is ajar, and peers out into the
night]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Well I’ll be! Look at this!

[LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM steps back inside, holding aloft a silver candelabra]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: This was on the steps. The vagrant must have dropped it
as he fled! Nathan chased away a thief!

[The guests give a warm round of applause, bar the EARL OF DORCHESTER, who looks
sheepish]

LORD THISTLEWICK: Bravo my lad! But how on earth did the rapscallion find
his way in?

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[The guests look at each other]

COUNTESS HULME: (to the EARL) Why, you were the last one in tonight
Cedric!
EARL OF DORCHESTER: Oh, hmmph, yes, I, well…I guess I may have neglected to
check the latch on my entry. Humblest apologies my Lord.
LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: I dare say I am not the person who deserves an apology.
Not simply an apology, but surely gratitude for retrieving your pocket watch from a
scoundrel!
EARL OF DORCHESTER: (humbled) Yes, well, I am man enough to admit when I
have misjudged someone. Nathan, I thank you for risking yourself to save my watch,
and for proving me, and a few others, wrong about youngsters from your background.
When you are busy judging the flaws of others, you forget your own flaws can be just as
damaging. I think you shall fit in fine here my lad.

[LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM proudly puts his arm around NATHAN]

LORD AUTUMNBOTTOM: Yes, you will fit in just fine here. My son.

Curtains

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