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Clin Soc Work J

DOI 10.1007/s10615-011-0337-2

ORIGINAL PAPER

At Midlife, Intentionally Childfree Women and Their Experiences


of Regret
Gail DeLyser

 Springer Science+Business Media, LLC 2011

Abstract Based on the author’s exploratory qualitative lifestyle.’’ So I think… we just evolved and we are a
study of the experiences at midlife of 15 intentionally really happy couple.
childfree married or partnered women, this paper focuses
The account above sets the findings frame for this
on one finding and related themes. A constructivist
researcher’s qualitative study on childfree women at mid-
grounded theory methodology guided data collection in
life. Specifically, the study focused on exploring their
many areas of midlife, including regret, menopause, and
experiences of midlife, including menopause, regret, and
relationships. The data suggested that for most in the study,
relationships. An assumption of the study was that reaching
menopause, perimenopause, and reaching midlife did not
menopause and the conclusion of a woman’s natural
awaken feelings of regret over their decision to live
capacity for childbearing might awaken in childfree
childfree. The author discusses implications for clinical
women specific feelings, including regret over not having
work with childfree women at midlife.
children. For women who have chosen not to have chil-
dren, midlife and the biological changes of perimenopause
Keywords Childfree women  Regret  Midlife
and menopause foreclose the option of pursuing a natural
pregnancy. Apter (1995) nicely captured this idea in her
statement, ‘‘menopause could ‘ring a panic button’’’
Introduction
(p. 212) for childfree women as they face their past deci-
sions. The overall conclusion reached in the study was that
A commonly held notion, at least in the United States, is that
common societal assumptions about regret did not prove
the desire for a baby kicks in when women reach a certain age
accurate. Generally speaking, the women were satisfied
or achieve a specific marker. The usual thinking goes some-
with their lives and not regretful about their choice to live
thing like this: The longing for a baby may emerge when a
childfree. However, what emerged was a story about dif-
woman reaches 30 years old or may surface after a few years
ference, multiple pathways, and conscious choice.
of marriage or partnership. However, this need does not hold
One note about language: In this article I use the word
true for all women. Consider the narrative below:
childfree, which is the term preferred by those who have
My husband and I, neither one of us had a strong chosen not to have children. The term childless historically
desire to have children. It wasn’t really like we ever has been used to describe barren women; it is too narrow
had that final conversation. It was as if our life kept and not responsive to current culture in which women may
going on; it was very full, our friends were having opt not to bear children.
kids and we would spend time with them. But then
we were like, ‘‘Oh, let’s go home, this doesn’t fit our
Review of the Literature
G. DeLyser (&)
Institute for Clinical Social Work, Chicago, IL, USA Over the last few decades, the United States, like many
e-mail: gdely@aol.com European countries, has experienced a slight trend toward

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women choosing to forgo motherhood (Cohn and Living- the value of time, sadness about lost opportunities, or a
ston 2010; Organisation for Economic Co-operation & sense of [time] moving with painful swiftness’’ (Galatzer-
Development [OECD] 2010). Although motherhood is the Levy and Cohler 1993, pp. 297-298). Because of increasing
most common path for the majority of women, it is, of awareness of time constraints, ‘‘midlife is the heyday of
course not the only route. Using data from the National developmental deadlines for long term developmental or
Center for Health Statistics’ 2002 National Survey of life goals’’ (Heckhausen 2001, p. 355) and a time when
Family Growth, Abma and Martinez (2006) estimated that feelings of regret over past decisions can emerge as indi-
approximately 7% of all U.S. women aged 35 to 44 were viduals grapple with time left to live.
voluntarily childfree. A segment of these women were Jeffries and Konnert (2002) investigated regret and well-
Baby Boomers, those Americans born between 1946 and being among middle-aged and older women who volun-
1964 and in the midlife phase. tarily and involuntarily did not have children. They found
Though midlife women have been described with that women who considered themselves childless by choice
increasing accuracy (Apter 1995; Goldstein 2005; were less likely to experience regret over their status but if
Lachman and Bertrand 2001; McQuaide 1998b; Mitchell they did, the feelings were ‘‘minor and transitory’’ (p. 103).
and Helson 1990), midlife women without children have Those who did not choose childlessness (because of
yet to be the focus of extensive research. Much of what has infertility or other circumstances) were more likely to
been published on these women at midlife has focused on express serious, sustained regret. The researchers found no
understanding and conceptualizing their identities (Ireland significant difference in well-being between parents who
1993; Metropolis 1998) and their generativity (Spurling maintained close relationships with their children and
2001). Some popular and scholarly writings have sought to women who were childless by choice. Koropeckyj-Cox
categorize childfree women based on their histories and (2002), reported results consistent with those of Jeffries
how their choice not to have children has shaped their and Konnert. She compared parents and childless adults
identities (Cain 2001, Ireland 1993). Earlier researchers, and found that well-being in women without children was
such as Houseknecht (1979), compared ‘‘early articulators’’ tied to whether they chose their status. In her study, par-
(p. 81), women who knew from an early age that mother- ticipants who chose to remain childfree scored similarly to
hood was not an ambition, to ‘‘postponers’’ (p. 81), those mothers who reported excellent parent–child relationships
who delayed motherhood, in terms of family background (p. 962) on loneliness and depression scales.
factors, autonomy, achievement, and reference group
support.
More recently, Mollen (2006) and Park (2002) have
Methodology
expanded the body of literature on women who have
chosen not to have children. Mollen (2006) studied nine
My exploratory study asked, What are the experiences at
voluntarily childfree women ages 32 to 51; her sample
midlife of intentionally childfree heterosexual women who
included heterosexual, bisexual, and lesbian married, sin-
are married or partnered? In semi-structured interviews
gle, and partnered women. She found that gender identity
participants specifically spoke about their experiences of
and gender role resistance, messages from parents and
regret, menopause, and relationships. A potential limitation
relationships with parents, and early experiences with
for this study was the small sample size. Note that I am a
childcare influenced the participants’ reasons for remaining
member of the population studied.
childfree. Park (2002) studied voluntarily childfree women
and men ranging in age from 21 to 56 and approached the
topic from a sociological perspective. She discovered that Procedure
participants used certain techniques, including ‘‘passing as
parents,’’ substituting more ‘‘socially acceptable’’ identi- This qualitative study, based on the constructivist grounded
ties, and advocating the social value of childlessness to theory approach outlined by Kathy Charmaz (2000, 2006),
manage what Park referred to as a ‘‘stigmatized identity.’’ was primarily conducted in a large Midwestern city, although
Neither study focused on the specific developmental phase a few participants lived out of state. Interviews, each lasting
of midlife. approximately 1.5 hours, were conducted in a variety of
Not only can midlife be a time of rewarding experi- private settings. In order to accommodate participants’
ences, full of potential (McQuaide 1998a, Mitchell and schedules, I conducted interviews at their settings, including
Helson 1990), but it also marks the midway point in a respondents’ work sites and homes, and at my office. Sub-
person’s life, implying that there is less time to live than jects signed informed consent forms and I recorded the
the amount of life already lived. Confronting the reality interviews digitally. The recorded interviews were tran-
that life is finite ‘‘may lead to an intensified appreciation of scribed. To protect participants’ identities, each received a

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specific code. The Institutional Review Board of the educa- Actual Sample
tional institute where I was a doctoral student approved the
study. Fifteen women completed both first and second interviews
and six subjects participated in member-check interviews.
They ranged in age from 42 to 60 years old. Approximately
Participants 60% were between the ages of 50 and 60. All were college
graduates and were employed, with some holding advanced
Two primary means were used to recruit subjects: (a) degrees. One woman was non-White; all the others were
Posting recruitment messages on a childfree list serve (No White. Of the 15 participants, 13 were in long-term heter-
Kidding) and on a list serve for doctoral students, and osexual marriages and 2 were in heterosexual partnerships
(b) distributing fliers to colleagues. Both methods yielded of 8 or more years. Kreider (2005, P70) reported that, on
participants. In addition, participants referred other par- average, first marriages ending in divorce lasted about 8
ticipants. The sampling methodology was a nonprobability years. In this study the average length of partnership or
snowball, a purposive sampling method. Still, snowball marriage was 16.11 years. This sample is consistent with the
sampling and the small sample size (n = 15) were both known profile of voluntarily childfree women, who were
limitations for the study. However, the women recruited typically educated, disproportionally White, and employed
articulated the dimensions and dynamics associated with (U.S. Census Bureau 2008). Census Bureau, Current Pop-
the research questions. ulation Survey, June 2008 Fertility Supplement).

Data Analysis
Regret?
Once the interviews were transcribed, I began coding data
using the qualitative methods detailed by Charmaz (2000, I sought to learn if intentionally childfree, midlife women
2006) and Strauss and Corbin (1998). Coding began with regretted their decision to forgo motherhood. I wondered if
line-by-line reading of the transcripts, labeling them with nearing or reaching menopause might be a catalyst to regret
words that classified and summarized information and or might generate panic. Narrative statements from two
resulted in initial categories of data. My dissertation chair participants best sum up the views from this sample: ‘‘I
and I met every 2 weeks to review, discuss, and analyze the have to say that I think it is an erroneous assumption that
data. This process continued for the duration of the project. women at midlife are regretful’’ and ‘‘I don’t think of it as
Data analysis used constant comparison to identify simi- sad or regretful. I think of women who have made that
larities and differences among transcripts. Through this decision as having more interesting lives.’’
process, more defined categories of data evolved and Only two women were regretful regarding their choice
meaning began to emerge. As the amount of data increased, not to pursue motherhood. One, who married a man more
I constructed a visual ‘‘map’’ or diagram of the evolving than a decade older than she, expressed regret over not
categories, seeking connections between pieces of infor- having children. She explained that her wish for children
mation. Once I fractured and categorized the data, I moved was ‘‘for selfish reasons.’’ As an only child, she was
into axial coding, further subcategorizing the data. The without siblings and extended family and she assumed she
complete dissertation committee further reviewed the data would outlive her husband. She does not ‘‘beat [herself]
and findings. To help counter limitations and to increase up’’ over the decision, yet reported ‘‘I wish I had [had
applicability of the findings, six subjects read and respon- children]. It is not one of those, like that cartoon, ‘Oops, I
ded to the results and participated in additional follow up forgot to have children.’ It is not that. It is just, you can’t
interviews (Lincoln and Guba 1985). control everything and that’s life.’’ Although she ended the
statement with an optimistic ‘‘I am happy the way I am,’’
her point was made that she wanted a family. Yet she
Findings added, ‘‘I am considered very opinionated. I would say
‘assertive’ and other people would say ‘aggressive,’ a
The overall exploratory study yielded rich data or findings person with strong opinions. And when it came to kids I
on women at midlife who were intentionally childfree; this was like ‘whatever.’ So it is odd.’’ The second, when asked
paper focuses on the finding of regret and related themes. about regret, projected herself into the future and wondered
For a summary of all results and findings please consult the how she might feel decades from now. ‘‘My only thinking
full dissertation (DeLyser 2007), which is available online is that I could be regretful when I’m 60 or 70 and I don’t
and from ProQuest. have children to come visit me.’’ In part, what seemed

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expressed by both women were natural worries about who questioned their childfree status. The ‘‘Who will care
loneliness, old age, and hope for ongoing connections. for you…?’’ argument seemed pliable enough to be used in
a variety of ways. Some women took ‘‘Who will care for
Menopause Closes the Door you’’ into consideration when debating their choice to live
childfree:
Women in the study greeted, in various ways, the actual
I trotted out the old things like ‘‘You are going to be
decline of their biological capacity to produce children. One
alone when you are old.’’ ‘‘Nobody is going to be
individual stated, ‘‘I did think there was always the option
around to take care of you.’’ But I didn’t feel any of
[to have children]. I had options and now I don’t.’’ Another
that was valid or scary enough to make me want to
replied that ‘‘Menopause closes the door,’’ but someone else
reproduce.
reported, ‘‘I didn’t feel a need or compulsion that I was
missing out or that my life was going to be ruined or that it Another participant thought along those same lines when
was something I should have done. I didn’t feel any of that.’’ resolving her own feelings about having children:
One woman was happy that menopause was finished: ‘‘I’m
All my reasons had to do with I was afraid not to. I
just happy not to have a period any more. I think it is fan-
wasn’t positively embracing it in any way. I was
tastic. I don’t think I had a moment of ‘Oh my God I can’t
afraid I would be 60 or 70 and who would take care
have babies’ because I dealt with that on a psychological
of me? Who will take care of me the way I have taken
level in my 40s.’’ Several cited their happiness having fin-
care of my mother the last 20 years?
ished with ‘‘annoying symptoms’’ whereas others looked
forward to relief. ‘‘I hope menopause will come and get In part, the experience of caring for an ill parent
over with and done and give a little relief from all the prompted anxieties in women about their own future care:
symptoms and the periods and all that stuff.’’ ‘‘It concerns me as I get older. When my mother was ill, I
Predictably, few women lamented the passing of meno- did everything for her. I don’t have someone to take care of
pause and its symptoms, but its passing does foreclose an me and it concerns me.’’ For some the concern was
option or choice to naturally reproduce. Yet for this group delivered in a joking manner, ‘‘I always say to my niece
of women menopause did not activate regret. Many spoke and nephew, ‘Payback is that you have to take care of me
with decisiveness regarding the absence of regret. ‘‘Every- when I’m old.’’’
body says ‘Oh, you will be sorry when you are 45 or 50 that Many women turned the passive worry into action by
you don’t have children.’ I am, like, so certain that I made making plans for their own care as they age. Several
the right decision. I never felt sorry that I didn’t have reported ‘‘planning well’’ for retirement and ‘‘Insuring that
children.’’ Others were more matter-of-fact regarding the we have the funds to take care of us, that we have a decent
absence of regret. One responded, ‘‘No, I didn’t get all retirement strategy, and that we do take care of ourselves.’’
emotional and say ‘Now I am not going to have children.’’’ Most participants embraced a realistic view of ‘‘Children
Another said, ‘‘Any regrets? Not really. I can’t think of are no guarantee of care’’ as they planned for their own
any.’’ One voiced surprise that she does not feel regret, ‘‘I care. ‘‘You don’t have children so that you hope somebody
thought I would be regretful, but I’m not.’’ will take care of you when you are old.’’ These women
A few participants had yet to reach menopause; their recognized the difference between embracing motherhood
responses indicated an awareness that they may need to and hoping for care when they are elderly.
cope with regret in the future. ‘‘I am okay with the fact that
if at some point in the future I have any regrets at all I will
Re-evaluating the Decision
deal with that when it happens.’’ Another stated, ‘‘I sup-
pose sometimes I wonder if in 10 years will I feel regret. I
In discussing regret and menopause, several women in the
suppose it is possible I will. I don’t know.’’
study recounted events that led them to re-examine their
feelings about living childfree. In those cases, external
Worries About Aging
events prompted an internal, psychological reconsideration
of what previously felt like a settled decision. For one
In the minds of participants, menopause and aging were
woman that point occurred when a slightly older co-worker
closely connected. In the interviews, menopause, a symbol
announced that she was pregnant. The participant was, at
of physical change, prompted thoughts and feelings about
the time, in her early 40s, and recalled a period of feeling
old age and caregiving. Some expressed anxieties con-
that she had made the wrong decision.
cerning care toward the end of life as they pondered who
would look after them in their elder years. Conversely, Now women are having babies later but it would have
such anxieties were also voiced to participants by others been sort of cutting edge. I felt like I was missing

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something. I mean I really think that I had that expressed an openness or flexibility to a potential change in
feeling. But it wasn’t one that was an overriding their feelings and thoughts should their lives evolve in new
feeling that I couldn’t say, ‘‘Well your life would ways. This potential flexibility was a feature these women
change. Do you really want it to change that much?’’ shared with those in another category—the Decision
Evolved.
The woman did not act upon her feelings, the feelings
Participants in the Decision Evolved group thought they
subsided, and she resumed her life. When questioned about
would have children because motherhood was considered a
regret, she stated that she did not feel regret over her
normative experience, ‘‘what women do.’’ Having children
decision.
was initially part of their psychological landscapes. Over
Another participant re-examined her decision when her
time, as they came to know themselves, as their lives
remaining parent, her mother, died. While this young
progressed, and as their relationships developed, the deci-
woman was caring for her mother, who was dying of
sion about children took shape. Some individuals and their
cancer, she had only fleeting thoughts about children. But a
partners had a final conversation about children that
period of full re-examination occurred following her
resulted in a decision, but others ‘‘went on’’ with their
mother’s death. ‘‘It was my first experience of not being
lives, knowing they were in tune on the issue. A couple of
connected to the level above me. Now I am at the first level
participants fell into the Circumstances group. They felt
[in the family]. I thought maybe we made a mistake by not
that their life circumstances led to their midlife childfree
establishing our own family.’’ She ultimately resolved the
status rather than their having made a conscious choice.
issue by placing her feelings within a context:
Most conveyed an underlying assumption that if they had
My remaining parent died, my family house was sold. settled down with someone perhaps they would have
We used to make trips there to spend lots of time. The become mothers, yet they also were not interested in set-
idea had popped into my head about children for a tling for just anyone. They chose not to settle and also
reason that was not related to wanting children but chose not to pursue motherhood without a partner or to
the idea of wanting a family, replacing a family. adopt a child.
Whether the participants knew early in their lives that
Just as issues large and small are revisited and psycholog-
motherhood was not their ambition, or let the decision
ically reworked throughout life (Galatzer-Levy and Cohler
evolve over time, or felt circumstances facilitated their
1993), several women in this study revisited and psycho-
choice, they were all united in their capacities to seriously
logically reworked their decision regarding motherhood
and thoughtfully contemplate potential motherhood.
and decided to remain childfree.
Deliberating about having a child occurred at different
times and might continue long after a woman felt she had
Why Not Regretful?
reached a solid decision. One participant, in an effort to
facilitate her decision process, pretended she had a baby:
I knew what my limitations were. I think I knew more
than most people what children take away from We said, ‘‘Let’s pretend we have a baby and let’s see
parents in time because I’m a family therapist, how it would affect our lives.’’ When our friends
whereas lots of people just get married and have three called we said if we had a baby we would have to get
kids and then find themselves overwhelmed by their a babysitter or if we wanted to go away, someone
lives. They don’t seriously think about it ahead of would have to stay with the baby. It was pretty much
time; how many people make a conscious choice? then that I decided it would be too much of a change
to the lifestyle that I really, really enjoyed.
One might wonder why most of the women did not
experience regret at midlife. A partial answer, gleaned Trying on the motherhood role in her imagination helped
from the data, resides in their deliberation process and in this subject actively contemplate her choice. A more
their choice. With few exceptions, the women in this study common practice was to observe a sibling in the mothering
chose their childfree status. Many had actively been con- role as a way of assisting with the decision. When watching
sidering and re-considering motherhood for many years. her sister care for her children, one woman thought,
Overall, study participants fell into roughly three catego-
ries: Knew Early, Decision Evolved, and Circumstances Wow, this is not something that I could do! Although
regarding their pathways to living without children. A I could see it could be very rewarding if you had the
number of women Knew Early that motherhood was not resources and if that is what you wanted to do. You
something they wished to pursue. Some reported that they could really devote your life to it and you could have
held an early, resolved, almost core sense of ‘‘I just knew it a wonderful time. But that wasn’t really what I
wasn’t for me’’ about motherhood. Others in that category wanted.

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Other participants spoke about their ongoing, but occa- At that time [when they married] he really wanted to
sionally fleeting, thoughts or musings about parenthood. have children. I said I thought it would destroy our
For one woman such thoughts occurred while attending a relationship. ‘‘You work nights and I would be like a
religious coming-of-age service for a friend’s child. ‘‘I can single mom. We would never have a relationship,’’
appreciate how proud they [the parents] are and wonder and my relationship with him means more to me than
what it would be like to be the parent.’’ Another reported, being a parent.
‘‘Every once in a while I see a mother and a baby and I
The data suggested that most of the women in the study
think ‘That is really nice. Maybe I want that.’ And then I
were not regretful because they had consciously and
don’t do anything and move on.’’ For some, contemplating
carefully deliberated about motherhood and had allowed
led to placing the decision in a new relational context, ‘‘I
themselves to revisit the idea, often with their partners or
chose early on to work with children in therapy rather than
spouses and at various times throughout their lives. This
having my own [children]. It just seemed like I could do
process allowed them to psychologically rework their
more that way.’’
decision. For most in this group of women, deliberating
The relational capacities of the participants also sug-
resulted in their remaining childfree. They also lived pur-
gested another reason most were not regretful regarding
poseful, meaningful, and related lives. Many maintained
their status. The majority of the subjects demonstrated deep
close relationships with nieces, nephews, siblings, and
empathic, relational capabilities in their marriages or
friends’ children and valued their committed partnerships
committed partnerships, in their friendships, and in their
and marriages.
connections to children. However, many women in the
study differentiated liking children and having relationships
with children from wanting their own. By not having chil-
Discussion
dren, they found themselves in peril of being labeled child
haters—a pejorative label that did not fit. As one subject
For many in the sample, questions about perimenopause,
stated, ‘‘I’ve been a little surprised by some of society’s
menopause, and regret awakened feelings concerning their
reactions that some people seem to lump me in a category
futures and aging. Yet none of them experienced a ‘‘panic’’
with people who hate children because I choose not to have
(Apter 1995, p. 212) about their choice to forgo mother-
any.’’ About half the women maintained close, ongoing
hood. Overall, the women in this study were living
connections with children. For some the relationships were
meaningful lives; they were well educated, employed or
with nieces or nephews, others served as godparents to
employable, and relationally connected to others (DeLyser
friends’ children, and some did both: ‘‘I have a very close
2007). The original research assumption that an aspect of
relationship with my nieces and nephews. My goddaughter,
midlife development for intentionally childfree women
I have been with her since she was an infant. I made a
would include regret was not confirmed. Such an
commitment to always be there for her.’’ Another reported,
assumption may have evolved from older models of
My sister, who is 10 years younger than I, has a development that inadequately accounted for diverse paths.
3-year-old, who is like the closest thing to a grand- Older models presented parenthood as an expectable,
child I’m going to get. I can’t see being without her in developmental achievement for adults who were married or
my life. I don’t want to miss her life. in a committed partnership.
The women also spoke about the quality of their mar- Benedek (1959), in her seminal article on parenthood,
riages or partnerships and their relational satisfaction. They emphasized that humans feel a biological push toward
frequently expressed contentment with their family’s con- reproduction with the physical changes and maturation that
sisting of just two. As one participant stated, she and her occur during adolescence setting in motion ‘‘motivation
husband married because ‘‘we wanted to be together.’’ for the next phase of development which is parenthood’’
Others reported, ‘‘We didn’t need to have children to make (p. 389). Biological readiness is but one aspect of prepa-
the relationship work or to make the relationship better’’ ration for parenthood; the other facet is psychological
and ‘‘We didn’t feel unfulfilled by not having children.’’ readiness. One might think of this as the capacity to con-
Another stated, ‘‘I consider my family my husband and me, template, imagine, fantasize, or deliberate parenthood.
and I think we each put the other one before ourselves.’’ The childfree women in this study also consciously
Yet another said, ‘‘Now we are at a point of deep friendship contemplated the choice to parent, and many revisited their
and love and set in a groove and really happy. We try to decisions about parenthood at various turning points. They,
meet each other’s needs if we can.’’ Still others acknowl- too, had thoughts about parenting, observed others parent,
edged consciously protecting the couple relationship from and even imagined they had a baby in an effort to clarify
the strain they assumed would come with children. their thinking about childbearing. Participants did not

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demonstrate an absence of thought concerning children but Healthy midlife development might best be conceived by
rather displayed an ability to consider, to think of, and to an individual’s developing relational capacities rather than
imagine themselves as mothers. What does this capacity achieving a certain outcome as the older model of adult
illustrate? Perhaps the biological push toward parenthood development did.
that Benedek described could be broadened to include the For many, midlife can be a time of reflection and an
ability to deliberate parenthood. Developmental maturity opportunity to prompt changes in their lives, especially as
could be expanded and thus conceived as achieving the people recognize their own finitude (Colarusso 1999).
ability or psychological capacity to consider another Lachman and James (1997) wrote that for most ‘‘midlife
human and engage in relationships, with the outcomes appears to be a time to look back and a time to look ahead,
differing between those who chose to parent and those who a time to ask how things are going and what is left to do’’
did not. (p. 3). Recognizing the finitude of life can introduce a
In writing about the transformation of narcissism psychological shift in the self, leading individuals to
through the developmental process of parenthood, Elson ‘‘reminisce and so rework the emotional significance of
(1984) described ‘‘vital factors’’ in preparing individuals past events (Munnichs 1966)’’ (Galatzer-Levy and Cohler
for parenting. What is vital is ‘‘the capacity of each partner 1993, p. 288). Revisiting past emotional events could result
to increase modes of meeting the needs of the other’’ in some feeling regretful about choices. This is a part of
(p. 300). The ‘‘modes’’ Elson deemed vital are the ‘‘deep- mature development. Some previous research (Jeffries and
ening and broadening’’ of one’s ability to feel empathy for Konnert 2002; Koropeckyj-Cox 2002) on voluntarily
another and an expanding ‘‘tolerance of differences’’ and childfree women revealed and the narratives in the current
understanding of how differences are reconciled (p. 302). study confirmed that feelings of well-being in midlife are
Elson described the necessary elements for deep, intimate tied to whether one chooses her childfree status. A woman
engagement with another person. She assigned, rather nar- who chose to live childfree engaged her sense of personal
rowly, however, these empathic modes to individuals who agency and initiative (Siegel 1996; Stern 1985) about
were preparing for parenting. Yet, these relational capaci- herself and her life. In addition to personal agency, for the
ties can apply to anyone: parent, pre-parent, or non-parent. women in this study, contemplating motherhood in ongo-
The women in the study offered abundant evidence of such ing ways and revisiting their choices, often within an
empathic engagement in describing their marriages or ongoing relationship, significantly contributed to feeling
partnerships. In deliberating motherhood and, therefore, positive rather than regretful about their midlife, childfree
deliberating about the imagined child, these women were lives. This research on chilfree midlife women offers a
considering the needs of the imagined other. Must the different, yet additive perspective on the normal adult
capacity to deliberate literally equal producing one’s own aging process.
child?
Many of the participants were deeply engaged in nur-
turing, maternal, ongoing relationships with children. They Implications for Treatment
were connected to their nieces, nephews, and friends’
children in stable ways. Subjects revealed a complex It may be tempting to think a childfree woman at midlife
ability to engage in relationships, including their partner- would seek mental health treatment for regret related to her
ships or marriages and with children and friends. In 1984, childfree status, but she is actually more likely to seek help
Kohut alluded to an expanded, more inclusive perspective for the same kinds of issues (troubled relationships,
on development, ‘‘There are certainly great variations depression, retirement, divorce, transitions, job change,
within the spectrum of normality or maturity’’ (p. 203). grief and loss) that concern others at midlife (Goldstein
Elson (1986) perhaps interpreted Kohut’s ideas and applied 2005). What is important when working with a childfree,
them to parenthood when she wrote: midlife woman is to understand how she came to be
childfree and to explore both her decision making pro-
The question of whether there are other routes to cesses and the meaning she attaches to her decision. I have
maturity than parenthood for men and for women observed in my clinical work that young adult women in
may be answered affirmatively…the individual may their 30s are more likely to present for treatment around
still find fulfillment of the central core of the self their uncertainty about motherhood.
through pursuit and attainment of other goals… The data from this study suggested that the decision to
[they] may also achieve maturity through vocation, pursue motherhood is revisited and reworked at various
profession, personal relationships, and community times, frequently occurring in the initial phase of midlife
activities as the expression of a vigorous harmonious, around the early 40s. Women whose decision to forgo
cohesive self. (p. 29) motherhood evolved within a committed partnership

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reached a decision that was in sync with the wish of their Cohn, D.V., & Livingston, G. (2010). Childlessness up among all
partners or spouses. Yet such agreement is not always the women: Down among women with advanced degrees. Social &
Demographic Trends. Retrieved from Pew Research Center
case: Partners or spouses may present for treatment in early http://pewsocialtrends.org/2010/06/25/childlessness-up-among-all-
midlife with the woman resolved to continue childfree and women-down-among-women-with-advanced-degrees/.
her male partner wanting to pursue parenthood. Colarusso, C. A. (1999). The development of time sense in middle
adulthood. Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 68(1), 52–83.
DeLyser, G. (2007). Experiences at midlife of intentionally childfree
women. Doctoral dissertation. Available from ProQuest Disser-
Areas for Future Research tations and Theses database (UMI No. AAT 3264617).
Elson, M. (1984). Parenthood and the transformation of narcissism. In
Much of the literature on childfree women has been pro- R. S. Cohen, B. J. Cohler, & S. Weissman (Eds.), Parenthood: A
psychodynamic perspective (pp. 297–315). New York: Guilford
duced by sociologists and social psychologists, not clini- Press.
cian-researchers. Most areas of treatment are open for Elson, M. (1986). Self psychology in clinical social work. New York:
future exploration, including those that focus on issues of Norton.
sameness and difference between the patient and therapist. Galatzer-Levy, R. M., & Cohler, B. J. (1993). The essential other: A
developmental psychology of the self. New York: BasicBooks.
For example, the potential emergence of countertransfer- Goldstein, E. G. (2005). When the bubble bursts: Clinical perspec-
ence and transference reactions between a therapist who is tives on midlife issues. Hillsdale, NJ: Analytic Press.
a mother and a childfree woman should be investigated. Heckhausen, J. (2001). Adaptation and resilience in midlife. In
Researching intentionally childfree couples is another area M. E. Lachman (Ed.), Handbook of midlife development
(pp. 345–386). New York: Wiley.
for future study. Although some studies have examined the Houseknecht, S. K. (1979). Timing of the decision to remain
marital satisfaction of childfree couples, there is not much voluntarily childless: Evidence for Continuous socialization.
data on the narratives of such couples and how they create Psychology of Women Quarterly, 4(1), 81–96. doi:10.1111/j.
meaning in their lives and in their marriages. There should 1471-6402.1979.tb00700.x.
Ireland, M. S. (1993). Reconceiving women: Separating motherhood
be more research on how childfree couples negotiate the from female identity. New York: Guilford Press.
decision to live childfree and on how, together, they Jeffries, S., & Konnert, C. (2002). Regret and psychological well-
manage the potential stigma attached to their choice. being among voluntarily and involuntarily childless women and
Additionally, more should be known about couples whose mothers. International Journal of Aging and Human Develop-
ment, 54(2), 89–106.
marriages or partnerships dissolve when one partner wants Kohut, H. (1984). How does analysis cure?(A. Goldberg, Ed., with the
a child and the other does not. An exploration of the collaboration of P. E. Stepansky). Chicago: University of
internal processes for the couple as well as the external Chicago Press.
social experiences could provide rich material for further Koropeckyj-Cox, T. (2002). Beyond parental status: Psychological
well-being in middle and old age. Journal of Marriage and
study. Family, 64(4), 957–971. doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2002.00957.x.
Kreider, R. M. (2005). Number, timing, and duration of marriages
Acknowledgments My thanks to Drs. Amy Eldridge, Dennis and divorces: 2001 (P70–97). Washington, DC: U.S. Census
Shelby, Kim Sarasohn, & Denise Duval for their thoughtful assistance Bureau.
with this article. Lachman, M. E., & Bertrand, R. M. (2001). Personality and the self in
midlife. In M. E. Lachman (Ed.), Handbook of midlife devel-
opment (pp. 279–304). New York: Wiley.
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