Modern.Family.

S04E02

before you pulled focus to Lily.

Modern.Family.S04E02 Oh, come on. It's--it's a big day for
Can I get everybody's attension. Real both of them. Huh?
quick. Haley going to college is a miracle.
Um, on this wonderful occasion-- Lily going to kindergarten is the law.
Our daughter leaving tomorrow for Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only
college... ones starting school.
If I could get everyone to raise their My mom and jay are going to parenting
glass. class.
As I quote from one of our nation's We're doing it for the baby.
great fathers-- Not this baby. That baby.
Jefferson. Manny doesn't believe that we know what
George Jefferson. we're doing.
"I never dreamed that one of my own A couple of new hairs under his arm,
"would be going off to a university, and now he thinks he knows more than
"but here I stand, a proud black man, his own mother.
knowing that all those hours I put in I know not to embarrass my son
at the dry cleaner--" as he stands on the threshold of
- Phil. - Not now, Weezie. manhood.
Where was I? I don't know why I have to go to this
Quoting that president. thing.
Okay, if she's the future of America, In case you've forgotten, I raised two
we should start using Chinese money kids.
now. Stop pulling my hair.
We already are. - Stop twisting my nipple. Ow! - Shut
My arm is tired. To Haley. up. Shut up.
To Haley! Why look at me? It was their mother's
And before everyone puts their glasses fault.
down, I was barely around.
uh, uh, we're also very proud of Lily. No! Ow, ow!
Tomorrow is her first day of Haley, this is, like, the third bag
kindergarten. of makeup and hair care products.
- To Lily. - Oh, Lily. Dad, if you want me to get good grades,
To Lily. And you'll be impressed to I have to look cute.
know Don't say a word.
that she's gonna be one of the smartest No. No. I agree with that premise.
girls there. Thank you. Wait.
Lily, sweetie, what's the square root Yeah, thank you.
of 64? Claire.
Wow. Hey! In Haley's stuff, a box of condoms.
Nice trick. Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her.
Hey, Lily, what's the square root of What? Why don't you just buy her some
this potato? fishnet stockings
Congratulations. You have a parrot. and a nurse's outfit?
We couldn't even get through the toast Not that that's my thing. That just
to Haley popped into my head.
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 Modern.Family.S04E02

Honey, she's an adult, and she's going I'm gonna cry harder than the first
to college. time I saw "Air bud"...
I want to be realistic. Especially when I give her this.
I don't want her to get caught "Phil's-osophy."
unprepared. A hardbound collection of all the life
24 times? What, are you buying her a 4- lessons I've learned,
year supply? such as...
Please. Phil, that would've lasted me "Always look people in the eye,
and my college boyfriend, like, a "even if they're blind.
long-- Just say, 'I'm looking you in the
La, la, la, la, la, la, la! eye.'"
Okay, we gotta hit the road. Or...
Give your sister a hug good-bye. "If you get pulled over for speeding,
Don't dork up our room. tell the policeman your spouse has
Don't slut up your college. diarrhea."
Seriously, though, don't study too Phil's-osophy.
hard, okay? Look how much fun you're gonna have
I'm totally going to have fun. here, Lily.
I'm Iceland in the mock U.N. So many great toys to play with,
Mom, we're gonna lose her. and you're gonna make so many new
I am doing my best. friends.
Luke, come say good-bye to your sister. Oh, I wish I was in kindergarten again.
I'm right here. Oh, not me. Did I ever tell you about
Bye, Haley. Have fun. David Anthony?
Don't drink too much beer and shots of He used to call me "Cam the ham."
tequila. - Okay, Lily's day. - Yeah, you're
Why are you wearing that mask? right.
Uh, I like it. You know what? It's gonna be a great
He doesn't want you to see him cry. day.
He's literally masking his emotions. I'm just saying, it's difficult to grow
No! up
- That's so sweet. - Come here. with a name that rhymes with "ham."
It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg. Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch.
Half my face was burned off in an Bitch.
industrial accident, Elaine Stritch.
and the mask is hiding the servos that What?
control my mouth. Not all bullies are straight.
Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving, Okay, parents...
but I'm gonna be okay knowing I've done Oh! We'll see you at 12:00.
everything I can All right. Mm!
to get her set up and prepared and off This is when the crying starts.
on the right foot. Does it ever stop?
Not me. When we're standing in her dorm Come on, Cam.
room saying good-bye, Okay. You know what, Lily, sweetie?
it's gonna be one of the most emotional I know this is gonna be difficult--
moments of my life. Bye!
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 Modern.Family.S04E02

Okay. That was a knife to the heart. have less in common than one might
No, it's--it's a good thing. Come on. think.
Oh, you know what? She forgot her Like in the Venn Diagram of sexual
snack. Oh. identity,
Where'd she go? You have gay men...
Ow! That hurts! Ow! That hurts! And straight men.
Oh, Lily, honey! Both the same gender.
Sweetheart, come here. Come here. Then you have gay men...
If you ever put your hands on my And straight women.
daughter again, Both attracted to the same gender.
I will string you up by your feet, run But gay men and lesbians?
you up the flagpole, No.
and let the birds peck out your eyes. Nothing.
You understand? I am so sorry we have to meet like
Mr. Tucker, put that boy down! this,
He pulled my daughter's hair. but I'm sure you can understand, as
Please apologize to Connor parents,
for using your hands instead of your the instinct to protect your child.
words. Yeah, it's what makes me want to punch
Sorry, little fella. you in the neck right now.
I would like to see you in my office. Wow. I see where your son gets all of
Right. his aggression.
- Now, please. - Me, too? Oh. Okay, let's all take a time-out.
Stop it. Leave him alone. That's a good idea. This is getting a
Mr. Tucker, what happened out there was little heated.
unacceptable. Yeah, Pam,
I agree. Is this kindergarten or "The we don't want another incident like at
hunger games"? the lumberyard.
I'm speaking of your behavior. Oh, my god. You guys go to the
We've never had an incident like this, lumberyard, too? D--
and now we've had one on the first day, I didn't know they had a ladies' night.
Before circle time. Not the bar, sally.
What the fudge were you thinking? Okay, you know what? He's trying to be
Now the boy's parents are coming in, nice,
and trust me, And you just called him "Sally."
they're mad as hello kitty. Yeah, you're not being very helpful,
Oh, you told his parents on us? peppermint patty.
That is--that is so not cool. Okay. Let's just stick to our actual
Well, I'm sure once they hear what names.
their boy did, Enough.
they will be understanding. I'm gonna give you a little homework
All right, whoever made our son cry assignment.
has messed with the wrong moms. I want you and your kids to have a
Lesbians. family playdate.
While often lumped together, gay men Maybe if the four of you can get along,
and lesbians You can set a better example for your
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 Modern.Family.S04E02

children. Here. And try like this.

I think that's a wonderful idea. Pam? And see?
- Fine. - Cam? Now your baby can breathe.
Fine. We'll host, obviously. I wrapped my son with one hand while
"Obviously"? driving a stick.
I assume you have an unfinished I think I know how to keep a baby safe.
woodworking project at your house. Man, I love being back in the dorms.
You've got a lot of nerve. It's like I never left.
Yeah, and you've got half a canoe in Throw up a David Copperfield poster,
our living room. this could be my room.
I look forward to your frittata. Honey, Haley and I have to go fill out
Oh. Why, are you visiting us in 2008? some paperwork.
Oh, my god. Why don't you throw the linens on the
You have some explaining to do. bed?
I'm so sorry that you had to find out - Oh, and move the car before they tow
like this, Jay. us. - Okay.
Wow, you two are really far along. Oh, my god. What is that shirt?!
We're, uh, we're still in our first Pretty sweet, huh? "Haley Dunphy moving
trimester. co."
Ay, that's nice. 'cause we're moving you here and here.
Yeah, we've been trying to get pregnant And also...
for ages. Here.
She's Latina. You just gotta look at Man, you used to love it when we swung
her funny. you like that.
Okay, now that everyone has their doll, I bet we could still do it.
Let's talk about swaddling. - Yeah! - Yeah.
Now you want to start by turning one Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
corner of the blanket Don't you dare pick me up! And take
toward you, like a diamond, that shirt off.
And folding the top down, - What? Why? - It's cute!
Like this. It's not cute! Do you see what's
I think they made a mistake at the happening out there?
hospital. People are walking around and judging
Tough room. each other.
Now we are going to pull the other No, they're not.
corner 'round, Oh, really?
And tuck it in nice and snug You didn't see the way
Like a burrito. muffin top across the hall was looking
Done! I win. at me?
It's not a race. People can be cruel. So take it off.
You're darn right. It wasn't even Fine.
close. Oh, my god! Put on a shirt!
Okay, it's good, but it's a little I don't know what you want from me!
tight. "You only get one chance at a first
It's a burrito. You don't want the meat impression.
to fall out. I suggest Julia Child, because it's
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 Modern.Family.S04E02

easy to do." Oh, she would love that.

"Save the giblets." Oh, great. Are you guys having a clown?
Time to go to the beach! Oh, god, no.
You're gonna go to the beach with a I hate clowns they're so creepy.
dog? Maybe you just don't like them because
I don't know what I did they wear makeup.
- to deserve this. - Yeah. You know what? I'm out.
I want to show Connor my toys. - Okay. - Pam.
Oh, okay. You do that, sweetie. Connor, we're leaving!
Hey, Connor, uh, no hair pulling. - You--you don't understand. - Pam!
Thank you for that. Pam!
Okay, we have an assortment of spring Cam used to be a clown.
rolls here. "Used to be"? Once a clown, always a
All vegetarian, of course. clown.
Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian, I'm God! Not now! Not now!
automatically a vegetarian? Connor, let's go.
Well, I saw it on "The L word." Pam.
I assume they have consultants. Why is this door locked?
I'm just saying it's an offensive Here. Let me, please.
stereotype. Lily, open this door right now.
Okay, Pam, you are a vegetarian. Okay. I'm not hearing anything.
Knock it off. I'm sure they're fine.
Worked out. Oh, how are you sure?
Yeah. So glad that we are doing this. Connor!
- Yeah. Yeah, me, too. - Yeah. - Lily! - Connor!
I mean, we're the only gay parents in Lily!
the class. Make the water comfortably warm
Yeah, we should be supporting one 90 to 100 degrees max.
another. And never leave the tub unsupervised.
I mean, we have so much in common. Is there something you two want to
Exactly. share with the class?
So... No. It's dirty.
Tell us about yourselves. Excuse me. We're trying to learn here.
I'm an environmental lawyer. Don't worry so much. Babies are tougher
Uh, and I'm a homemaker. than you think.
And--and, uh, and what do you do? When I was 5 years old, my babysitter
I'm a financial consultant. was a goat.
I'm a contractor. What?
You thought I was a P.E. teacher? Ay, please. You know about Lupe.
Well, figured. You never said she was a goat.
Hey, I have a question real quick. You know, it's great that we have
How do you guys get the car seat on the a couple of experienced parents in the
motorcycle? class.
Uh, you know, Connor is having a Perhaps you can share some of your
birthday next week. wisdom with the rest of us.
Maybe Lily would like to come. Absolutely. It's not rocket science.
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It's babies. They're hungry, you feed Apparently, that's what people do these
'em. days--
They're teething, you give 'em some Buy condoms for their kids.
scotch. When I went to college,
Scotch? my parents bought me a bicycle helmet.
Really? Are you serious? That was their idea of safety.
What? Certainly didn't need condoms.
So we left. Mm, not if you were wearing
I didn't need a lecture from Mary a bike helmet around campus, you
Poppins. didn't. Am I right?
And I was suddenly in a mood for a Why don't we let you guys finish,
burrito. and we'll come back later?
I'd like admission to your student Okay.
body. Yeah.
Oh, my goodness! Yep.
I am so sorry. I thought you were my Yeah, that sounds good.
wife. See you on parents weekend!
What's going on? They seem nice.
He grabbed me and said-- - Guys, I-- - I know. I know.
I thought she was my wife. My wife Look, we need to reorganize a little.
works out a lot. Your dad will go out and get us some
Dad? new sheets.
How'd he grab you? You and I can hang up all the pictures
He squeezed my butt. on the walls.
He what? You know what? I think it's best if you
- Phil! - I thought it was you! guys get going.
Believe me, sir. I'm a respected But we--we wanted to help you, sweetie.
realtor. No, I got it.
This is an innocent mistake. W-what if you wanna move the furniture
Honey, turn around and show him your-- around?
your butt. And we were gonna take you to dinner
- It--it's uncanny. - Dad. before we left.
I am very normal. Please do not judge I like the furniture where it is, and
me based on them. I'm not hungry.
Are those your my little pony sheets? So...
What? No! - Okay. - Okay.
I ordered them online. Um, well, uh, before we leave,
They must've sent the wrong ones. I'm I wanted to give you a little present.
very sorry. It's actually not a little present.
That's what was in the box. It's probably the best present you're
Okay. ever gonna get.
Uh, for the record, I am a respected - It's a collection of all the things
realtor. I've learned-- - Thanks.
Those are not my condoms. Attention.
She bought 'em. Dorm meeting in the common room.
Oh, my god. Okay, so...
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 Modern.Family.S04E02

I better go. When it comes to the safety and well-

- I know. - Okay. being of our children,
Okay, come here. That's my girl. we're all a little bit nuts.
- Let me get in there. - Okay. You have dainty little hands, just like
- All right. - Bye! your daughter.
Bye. You have boots like my dad.
"The most amazing things that can I'm not saying that the goat put me to
happen to a human being sleep or brushed my teeth.
will happen to you It just stayed outside my bedroom
if you just lower your expectations." window
Oh, they've got something over the and scared all the strangers away.
hole. Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little
- Lily! - Connor! disappointed.
We can't see anything from outside. Hey, kid!
The curtains are closed. Jay, mom, how was class?
Open up, Connor! We'll let you have a It was great. It was very educating
hot dog! and--
What if something happened to them? And now we know everything about the
What kind of hazards do you keep in baby, no?
there? Interesting, because your teacher
Well, let's see. That's where we keep called,
our gun collection, and you forgot your sunglasses when you
our abandoned refrigerator, left...
and our chocolate-covered hypodermic Three hours early.
needles. Ay, Manny, don't be mad.
Why are gay men always so sarcastic? I'm not mad. Just disappointed.
It's my coping mechanism! I hate this. I prefer when he screams.
Okay, that's it! Manny, it's no big deal.
Lily, Connor, if you can hear me, They weren't telling us anything we
back away from the door. I'm gonna didn't already know.
break it down. We're going to have a baby.
I'll help you. Am I the only one who's terrified?
I don't want Connor to go! But why?
I wanna stay! Why are you so terrified?
Oh, thank god they're alive! What if it doesn't know not to pick up
I love him! knives
No, you love the idea of him. Now open or stick its finger in an electric
this door, sweetie. socket?
Can we really have hot dogs? You were pretty lax, mom.
Yes, we promise. I was the one who told you
Oh! Come here, sweetheart. to turn the pot handles towards the
If you ask me... stove
Sometimes we get so hang up on our so I couldn't reach them.
differences. Manny, I didn't worry about those
We forget there's one thing that we things
have in common. because you worried for the both of us.
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 Modern.Family.S04E02

What if this baby doesn't think things Almost home, honey.

through? Dad, I really like that book.
It's part Jay. You do?
No offense taken. Sweetheart, is everything okay?
If the baby's different, we'll be Yeah, I just wanted to say thank you
different. for everything,
Hey. you know, today and stuff.
When you were growing up, O-of course.
you had to be the man of the house and - Sure. - Of course. If--if you need
the kid. anything at all...
Now I'm here. You just have to be the You just call us.
kid. I'll probably need some more condoms
I'm not gonna let anything happen to soon.
the baby, Not funny.
just like I'm not ever gonna let I'm sending you some care bear sheets.
anything happen to you. Anyway,
Okay? I should probably get going. We have
Okay. That is a load off. orientation at 7:00 a.m.
Although you forgot to pick me up last G-good luck with that, sweetie.
week after tango class. I love you, guys.
We didn't forget. We were just ten We love you, too, honey.
minutes late. So, so much.
Ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy Bye.
neighborhood. Bye, Haley.
Please. It was between a gymboree I'll miss you.
and a pottery barn. "Marry someone who looks sexy while
"Dance until your feet hurt. disappointed."
Sing until your lungs hurt. See?
Act until you're william hurt." "Older black ladies make the best iced
How you doing? Are you okay? tea."
Yeah. No, I'm... "Success is 1% inspiration,
I'm--I'm--I'm good. You? 98% perspiration,
Fine. Yeah. and 2% attention to detail."
Great. "You can tell a lot about a person from
"Take a lesson from parakeets. his biography."
If you're ever feeling lonely, "Watch a sunrise at least once a day."
Just eat in front of a mirror." "If you love something, set it free,
"Never be afraid to reach for the unless it's a tiger."
stars, "If you're ever in jam,
because even if you fall, a crayon scrunched up under your nose
you'll always be wearing a parent- makes a good pretend mustache."
chute.", "When life gives you lemonade,,
TM." make lemons.
Haley. Hi, honey. You okay? Life will be all like, 'what?!'"
Yeah.
Where are you guys?
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