Modern.Family.

S04E01

- I'm-- - Ah, you know, and these two

Modern.Family.S04E01 aren't getting any younger.
Good morning! The last thing they need is to start
There's the birthday boy! over.
65 candles on one cake. Would that be so bad?
This is a big day for you... Hey, Jay.
and for the astronauts who can see it What are you doing?
from space. - What the heck is that? - What?
Happy birthday to you. Get him!
Thank you. And just so everyone knows, Jay has been very explicit
I want a quiet day. about what he wants to do for his 65th
No surprises. birthday,
No surprises. but Phil Dunphy reads between the
Last night, I found out that I am lines.
pregnant, What the hell is going on?! What are
so Jay's gonna get one big surprise. you doing?!
Okay, two Making your birthday dreams comes true.
if you count the barbecue apron with It's your special day, buddy.
the bikini body on it. Should we put him in the trunk？
I don't blame you, Jay. Why would we put him in the trunk?
You'd had enough excitement in one You said there were no bad ideas.
lifetime-- Get this stupid thing off me!
The dawn of flight, printed books, I thought you said the hood would calm
agriculture. him down.
All right, what's with all the jokes? It works with my falcon.
It's insult comedy. Don't worry, Gloria. We'll have him
I've been watching old Dean Martin back in time for dinner.
roasts online. Which for him is at 4:00 in the
Like this guy knows from the internet. afternoon.
The other morning, 'Cause he's old! I love it!
I saw him looking for the crank on the This is really good coffee.
front of his car., It really is.
- Okay, you're done. - I make fun, and Ahh. Is it a medium roast or...
we laugh. Uh, dark.
But in all seriousness, Oh. I was gonna say dark. I don't know
if you see a light today, don't walk why I said medium.
towards it. Well, you would've been right.
I'm sorry I was asleep when you got Is it whole milk or...
home. Okay. This is ridiculous.
Cam and Mitch must be disappointed. We need to talk about the elephant in
They were really geared up to get that the room.
kid. The giant stuffed elephant
But there's a silver lining. was a gift from our good friend Pepper.
You might be right. Babies are a lot of Gay guys having kids is-- it's
work. relatively new,
No, that's not what I mean. so our community has not yet learned
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 Modern.Family.S04E01

how to modulate baby gifts. because I got to meet next year's trig
When Steven and Stefan had little teacher.
Rocco, That is not the prom I remember.
our friend Longinus sent over I have such a bad headache!
the whole cast of "Yo gabba gabba". That's the prom I remember.
Now Rocco cries whenever he sees bright Were you drinking?
colors. Mom, do we really have to do this?
I'm not allowed over there. You ask if I was drinking, I say "No,"
I guess we should donate it somewhere, and we both know that that's not true.
along with the 800-pound gorilla. I mean, aren't we past this point in
I mean, you know, now that we're not our relationship?
getting a baby. No, young lady, we are not.
A decision, by the way, Then I wasn't drinking.
which seems even better in the light of Me neither, mrs. D.
day. Dear God. Tell me he did not spend the
Mm. No, I totally agree. night here.
- So we're good? - No, we're great. Mom, do we really have to do this?
- We couldn't have handled this any Mom, I have a big decision to make
better. - No. about poetry camp this summer.
Where's my new baby brother? Is this about the walking sticks again?
Okay. Uh, slight oversight. Pack them all and decide when you're
Can I see him? Can we name him Larry? there.
Okay, sweetie. Here, have a seat with I can either focus on sonnets or free
us. verse.
Um, listen. I've always fancied myself a sonneteer,
There's something we need to tell you. But I'm thinking the free verse girls
Is it about Larry? will be freer with everything,
Well, uh, yes. Uh, sort of. If you catch my meaning.
Um, it--it turns out that... We're not Hmm? Ay. I'm sorry, Manny.
getting a baby. I'm sure you will make the right
Yeah, and I know this-- this makes you decision.
very sad, Are you okay? You seem distracted.
but I promise you we're still a Manny, sit down. I have to tell you
family-- something.
Can I have a kitten? What?
A kitten? I am pregnant.
If I can't have a brother, You're what?
then I want a kitten named Larry. I'm going to have a baby.
Okay, w-what's this about? Is Larry on Wow.
a show? What?
He's not, which is what's weird. You're not happy?
- Ooh! How was prom? - So fun. Yeah. Sure.
Michael and I danced all night... It's just a lot to take in.
And then we stayed after and helped And I'll be honest, this isn't coming
clean up, at a great time for me,
which was awesome With everything I've got going on.
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 Modern.Family.S04E01

This is not your responsibility. Ah! Score.

Neither is our wooden salad bowl, So what are we gonna do now?
But I'm the only one who oils it. Get a kitten and then name it Larry.
Without me, that thing would soak up Lily, honey, this is hardly the day to
dressing like a sponge. get a kitten, okay?
Manny, I can take care of a baby. Would you just tell her?
I took care of you. I don't know.
Please. I was an anomaly. I self-potty I kinda want one now.
trained. You know, we have been through a lot,
I just did not get the appeal And maybe the presence of a cuddly
of intentionally soiling one's pants. little friend
That said, will help us ease the pain.
I will admit to missing the kisses on Okay, so what you're saying is,
my tummy. You have a child-shaped hole in your
How did Jay take it? heart,
I haven't been able to tell him yet. And your plan is to cram a cat into
He might not be too thrilled. there?
Do you think? I was starting to wonder He has a name.
the same thing. I can't wait till your eyes adjust to
He doesn't deal well with change. the light,
I know. and we see the look on your face.
He still checks the front step for the I hate you guys.
evening paper. Hey, Phil, you ever think about growing
Don't worry, mom. I'm sure he'll adapt. a beard?
Although, he still does call the remote I mean, you got the face for it.
the "Clicker." - You think? - Yeah.
Ay, yeah. That's funny. I always thought so, but
I'm bored, daddy. Make the car dance. my wife doesn't.
All right. But just for a second, all Oh, what does she know?
right? Come on, you got a great nose, those
Do it again. deep-set eyes.
No. Once was enough. I mean, you would look good.
If I can't have a brother, then I want Thanks, Shorty.
the car to dance. It's, uh, sort of a Jon Hamm in between
Wow, you are really comfortable playing projects.
that card. Okay, put me back in the trunk.
They wouldn't take 'em. Relax, you're almost there.
They were afraid they might have Nope, I'm done now!
bedbugs. - Hey, jay, no! - No! No! No! Hey!
Are you serious? They rejected our Jay! Jay!
donation? - Jay! - Son of a bitch!
I was so offended, Somebody help me!
I almost didn't buy this fiestaware I would, but--but these pants are
creamer. cashmere!
2 bucks. I got you, Jay!
Didn't know what they had. You gotta calm him down!
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 Modern.Family.S04E01

- Punch him in the head! - Don't punch say,

him in the head! let's not let a botched kidnapping ruin
Don't make me punch you! I will punch our whole afternoon.
you to save you! He's right. The whole point of this
I think I'm being waterboarded. is for you to enjoy the lake with your
You're making me do this! three best friends.
Get this thing off me! Stan coming?
Happy birthday. Burn!
We're taking you fishing. So... 65, huh?
For whatever it's worth, You're heading into the best years of
Dylan was very responsible last night. your life.
He's a good guy to have around the That's right.
house. You put in the work. You climbed the
Mm. Where we going with this? mountain.
Well, since I can't move in with him Now it's time to reap the rewards.
anymore, I guess you're right.
He can't afford his apartment. Sounds pretty good to me.
So I was wondering if it would be okay You know, the more I look at you,
if he could stay with us for a couple the angrier I get that you don't got a
weeks? beard.
Sure. Oh, you know what? I had a soul patch once.
Why don't you guys take our room? A soul patch? That's like a beard's
She's being facetious. crap.
Sarcastic. I golfed six times last week.
Dylan no stay. found 42 balls-- a new record.
what?! I don't think my falcon could have
Oh, come on! He helps out a lot. found that many,
He is very handy. And he can spot a mouse at 600 yards.
Really? The guy who locked himself in Whats that have to do with beards?
his car? I thought we were talking about Jay
You are in no position to be asking for turning 65
favors, young lady. and how good that's gonna be.
Here. Drink this. It's for your That's right. It's gonna be great, jay.
hangover. I'm telling ya. I got a vegetable
Ugh. It smells gross. garden.
Well, then you better drink it fast. Two years ago, it was a patch of dirt
Ew! I'm gonna throw up! Ugh! Ugh! in my backyard.
That's a hangover cure? Now I got tomatoes, I got five kinds of
No. beans,
Well, this is probably shot. I got squash.
Once again, I'd like to apologize for And between you and me,
punching you in the head. I'm even thinking about pickling my own
It really was the only way to save you cucumbers.
since you were bound and... hooded, Why would that be between you and me?
which leads me to my second apology. Because there's a finite number of
Gentlemen, come on. As my uncle used to pickles.
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 Modern.Family.S04E01

But don't worry. All you guys are on We're here!

the list. What'd you do to your hair?
Well, I'd like to make a toast. I thought I'd try something different.
To Jay, who's not particularly buoyant. What, looking old?
And again, I'm very sorry about that. I had to get to dad
But he's the best father-in-law a guy Before he said something insensitive to
could ask for. Gloria.
All right. And we're--we're all really But she is gonna get really fat,
lucky to know him. Cheers. though.
- Here, here. - Salud. Dad, call me back.
Thanks, guys. You know what? I have something very important to tell
It is kinda nice being out here with you
all of ya. So when you get home you don't say
Hey, let's do some fishing. something stupid
I'm starting to feel better now that Like you usually do.
I'm finally getting dry. oh, happy birthday.
Let's do this! Yeah. I've gotta say,
- Let's go! - All right! You're handling this baby thing better
Sure. than I would've expected.
You know, What do you mean?
I had a little peppermints schnapps at You're used to being the only kid in
my prom, the house.
but I hid it from my parents Now there's gonna be a new kid. Jay's
and I kicked my boyfriend out before kid.
they woke up. So?
It's called respect. Well, the old Manny would've been
I'm pregnant. worried
You're gonna get fat. that Jay would love the new kid more.
You--oh! I mean... I think you're underestimating how
That's great. It's great! You're adorable I am.
pregnant! You're right. You're way cuter than a
It's great! Congratulations! baby.
It was a surprise. I'm gonna go check on dinner.
Yeah, I'll bet. What did my dad say? Sometimes I just like to toss a grenade
I haven't told him yet. and run away.
I worry that he's going to think it's All right, take a whiff.
not such great news. Make sure you like it,
Ohh, no. Don't be silly. 'cause that's what our couch is gonna
He's gonna be thrilled. smell like.
I knew he wasn't gonna be thrilled. Okay, hi. Yes, we're gonna take this
And if history was any indication, one.
he wasn't gonna be able to hide it. Oh, I'm gonna need you to slow down a
It's a french canadian delicacy called bit.
poutine. There's a process we need to go through
Mm. Well, it looks like vomit, to see if you're a suitable cat
So I'm not pou-ting it in my mouth. guardian.
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 Modern.Family.S04E01

Oh, really? Because I thought the our top priority.

process was, Okay, in light of that tableau,
I say, "We'll take this one." I would like to take back the phrase
And then you say, "Thank god because we "Receiving end."
have too many cats." Mom, I've decided I'm not going to
No. We need to ensure these cats are poetry camp.
going to good homes. What? Why not?
That's why we need you to fill out this 'cause by the time I come back,
form, Jay will have turned my room into a
And then there'll be a site visit. nursery.
Okay, um, we've just been through a No, he won't.
very frustrating year I'm not his real kid.
trying to adopt a baby, so... I'll be as insignificant as a whisper
You'll forgive us if we're not really in a windstorm.
in the mood Oh, listen to you. You have a gift.
to jump through too many hoops for a You have to go to the poetry camp.
cat. I don't think I can
Oh. Why wouldn't they give you a baby? Manny, please. I have too much to worry
- It's complicated. - So are cats. about right now.
Are they? 'cause that one over there -Okay? - You?
has been licking I dug a pretty big hole for myself
itself ever since we got here. with those insult jokes this morning.
Okay, you know what? I'm--I can't do Why didn't I learn from Rickles?
this. You gotta end with some ticker.
What about Larry? Okay, I give up.
I'm sorry, Lily. Not today. I can't find a position that's not
Mitchell stormed off, but I couldn't. sexual.
I had to give her a piece of my mind. - Just calm down. - I can't calm down.
And how'd that go? You know, maybe we're not as okay as we
I may have strayed off topic just a keep saying we are.
bit. - I know. - Maybe we should go away.
No, sir! You know, go someplace to heal.
No, she will always be Norma Jeane Where?
Baker to me. Well, someplace with a vibrant theater
What is your point, exactly? scene...
That like the thrice-married starlet, Top-notch restaurants...
This cat is being deprived a stable The jewel of Missouri's white river.
home. We're not going to Branson.
I'm sorry if you're upset. Okay, fine. Where would you go?
You're the one who should be upset, I don't know. Maybe europe?
ma'am. London?
we are animals lovers. Just somewhere far away.
That cat would've been on the receiving -I'm just sad, Cam. - I am, too.
end of affection You know, I had our mornings all
24 hours a day. planned out.
Satisfying its every need would've been The baby and I would walk Lily to
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 Modern.Family.S04E01

kindergarten we're back!

and then cut back home through the park Birthday boy's here!
and feed those ducks that you're not Hey, Jay, you're all wrinkled.
supposed to feed Yeah, yeah, I'm old. I get it.
but everybody does. No, I mean your clothes.
I bought a picture frame for my desk, Yeah, when I was your age, I was
and it's just sitting there, wearing animal skins.
Waiting for his face. Bam! You got me.
Come here. I think, bam! You got yourself.
I already feel better. I'm just expressing concern.
Me, too. Let me guess-- about my bone density.
See what the power of a hug can do? You know, you're a real smart-ass.
Just saved us a long plane ride with a At this rate, I'll be living in the
toddler. basement.
- And a cat that we didn't want. - Oh, Lucky.
we're still getting that. Dad? Dad, okay, quick. Just come here
All right, how does this look? one second.
Perfectly innocent. They're not even I gotta tell you something.
touching. Somebody is about to tell you some very
Great. Okay. Let's go. important news.
All right. And for the first time in your life,
You ready, honey? I need you to react nicely.
Go. Go. - I always react nicely. - You never
Hey, Mrs. Dunphy? do.
I heard about what Haley asked you, and And this person in question is very
just so you know, vulnerable right now.
I never wanted to put you in that So could you please just be loving and
position. supportive?
- I'll be fine. - That's good to know. - Happy birthday, dad! - Oh, thank you.
My cousin Dylan said I could stay at That's a boy.
his house. Sorry we're late, but it's for a good
Well, not really at his house. reason.
More like behind it... In the garage. We're thinking about getting a cat.
Okay. Well, isn't that wonderful?
Well, actually, there are no walls, I'm thrilled for you both. This is a
So it's more of a porte cochere. heck of a decision.
Fancy. You have my full support.
Anyway, I'll be sleeping in it. Okay.
It's got a bathroom. I think it'll be a perfect addition to
More of a half-bath. the family.
It's a coffee can. I know I'll love the heck out of the
Anyway, I'll be fine little bugger.
once I find a nice tent to protect me I'm just hoping that little one over
from the coyotes. there doesn't get jealous.
Well, be sure to hang your food up Oh, this little one will be just fine
high. now that he knows where he stands--
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In the shadow of your new baby! Hey, dad, Gloria, open our present.
What's he talking about? Ooh! I hope it's something fancy.
He's talking about I am pregnant. It's for the baby. I love it!
- Oh, come on! - Pregnant?! We got it in a shop at Heathrow, duty
You gotta be kidding me! free.,
Oh, gross. I didn't know grandpa could Not for long.
still do it. Isn't it absolutely brilliant?
Don't be disrespectful, Luke. Okay, we were in london two weeks.
Anyone could do it with Gloria. Lose the accent, Madonna.
And if you're too set in your old ways Why is your face all scratched up?
to be happy about it, Stupid Larry.
I can raise it on my own. This feels so weird.
I have done it before, and I can do it It suits you.
now! Don't even joke about it.
I come from a very long line of strong That's it. He is moving out of the
Latin women house tomorrow.
whose husbands are nowhere to be found! Really?
- Are you done? - Yes! Oh, and that beard is going.
- Can I say something? - Go on! Fine, but it's gonna kill shorty.
That's the greatest news I've ever Okay, everybody, let's gather together.
heard. Manny's gonna read us a little
It is? something
I spent the day hearing what my future that he prepare in his poetry camp.
had in store for me, Thank you, mom.
and I didn't like one bit of it. This is for my new baby brother or
It felt like my life was ending. sister.
And now you're telling me that I get to "Welcome, little one.
have a new start... Open your eyes and take your place.
with the woman of my dreams. This is where you're meant to be,
I think I'm gonna cry. Nestled in the bosom of your mother."
I'm way ahead of you. Lucky baby.
Can you believe this? - What? - Love you, baby.
I know. They wouldn't even let us get a "This is where you're meant to be,
cat. in the arms of your father.
It's gonna be great! His long, long journey has readied him
I'm gonna get so fat. for this day,
Mostly great. though his skin may be loose,
Oh, gross. They're at it again. his hair but a wisp,
If you don't like it, don't look. and his eyes milky with age,"
She looks great, doesn't she? All right, we're done here.
Yeah. Get a drink.
Not really gaining weight the way I Don't feel bad about making move out,
would've expected. mrs. D.
I finally understand why people say I knew this day would come eventually,
pregnant women glow. and I'm totally covered.
Phil, I have had three children. Great. So we'll see you around.
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 Modern.Family.S04E01

I got a place with an old friend of

mine.
Well, not so much of a place as a
storage pod.
And not so much of a... friend as a
raccoon.
Good to know you'll have company.
I call him bubbles because his mouth is
all foamy.
Dylan, I'm on to your little game.
I know non of this is ture.
You just try to guilt me into I letting
you stay.
You're right, I'm sorry.
I'll just live in my car.
Think I can borrow a coat hanger
in case I get lock in there again.
- God. - What's going on?
No, no no. All of it.
Sure you don't wanna dance with the
devil before I get rid of it.
Go.
Fine.

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