ERISIAN

"How can I
F o r t h e p r e t t i e s t o n e .

EXCOMMUNICATE PINEAL GLAND

EXERCISES TO DO
my friends?" WHILE QUARANTINED
. . . a n d m o re a w k wa rd
q u e s t i o n s a n s we re d
i n s i d e !

R.A.W.
Sexual Freedom:
Why it is Feared

HEALTH TIP!
On joyous
partaking
23 signs of hot dogs
of being a
g reyface

SHOCKING!
Does Eris pad
her chest?
 TABLE OF DISCONTENTS

The Taiping Rebellion...............................................................1851

The Herzegovina Uprising........................................................1852
The Small Knife Society rebellion............................................1853
A revolution in Spain................................................................1854
The Eureka Rebellion...............................................................1854
The Red Turban Rebellion........................................................1854
The Miao Rebellion...................................................................1854
The Revolution of Ayutla..........................................................1854
The Panthay Rebellion..............................................................1855
The Indian rebellion..................................................................1857
The Mahtra War........................................................................1858
Pecija's First Revolt...................................................................1858
The War of the Reform..............................................................1858
The Second Italian War of Independence................................1859
The Sioux Uprising...................................................................1862
The Muslim Rebellion...............................................................1862
The New York Draft riots..........................................................1863
The January Uprising...............................................................1863
The Mejba Revolt......................................................................1864
The Morant Bay rebellion.........................................................1865
The Fenian Rising.....................................................................1867
The Glorious Revolution...........................................................1868
The Grito de Lares....................................................................1868
The Red River Rebellion...........................................................1869
The Paris Commune.................................................................1871
 Who smugly devised a ploy The sky isn't even blue
A gold wedding gift For half the day
That opened a rift You brainwashed idiots.
And prepended "Des" to "Troy"

I've got a predilection Wistfully gaze I the sea

for filling my thought-bubble with contradiction. Upon my final breathing hour
Am I a cabbage growing in soils of fiction? Never one to live or be
Will I break free from this black iron constriction? My flight consumed and grounded dour
Perhaps lack of conviction The skies have naught but flighty dreams
Is my only real affliction. The phantom pain of lost desires
Never played out Icarus' scheme
Dead on birth a constant liar

There never was a palace.

She was never fair.
Nor grew her golden malus
Mirror, Mirror, upon the wall,
Not even nothing there.
Who is the fairest of them all?
Discordia, aye!
Her words remain unspoken.
The giver of the special apple.
She no promise wrought.
Discordia, ave!
Her oaths unsworn, unbroken.
Chaos is the fairest of all.
What Eris is, is not.

A poetry slam?
I wish to make prose anew,
About our spiteful goddess?
Hey /eris/, check this.
Yet this limerick is three lines too few...
Look I don't think that one rhymes
unless you are in New Zealand.
spectacles testicles
brandy and cigar
i can see kallisti
written across the stars
Such for life to have a girl
her locks are unfurled
Curious desire within golden curl
in parallax views
Holding nothing of her claim
but there aint no cure
It is tither my life seeks aim
for the excommunication blues
I only wish to give her my pearl!

Hello, this is the editor here,

I made this poem as I do fear
that these rhymes from the five recent years In peaches i seek
may seem original Yet golden apples i find
but alas I can't call Least she's crazy hot
many mine; they were made by my peers.

There once was a man who said "Damn.

Jesus saves– For I've discovered I am,
I spends– A creature that moves,
Eris steals (my heart) In determinate grooves,
Oh for fucks sake you just stole this from a website you unoriginal turd.
So ride waves—
Break trends—
be assured,
Make meals (and art)
the lord of discord
shall soon grow bored
I follow her these days—-
of our civil accord
As it ends—-
and draw her golden
apple

Someone's given up on trying,

to leave the world slack-jawed
to sell me things, that I ain't buying (and something that rhymes with heart)
as chaos is restored
fnord.
among the collapse we move toward
will you mourn, abhorred,
If a Pope rhymes, is he a Pome? or will you rebel and applaud?

00003
 A
YER A WIZARD, POPE!

The following extract is from the concluding sentences of

an informative article about Discordianism on a
research-driven education website ( jesus-is-savior.com )

Clearly, Discordianism is witchcraft. I didn't wrote [sic] this

article to refute all the details of Discordianism; but, rather,
to EXPOSE Discordianism for what it truly is, WITCHCRAFT!!!
Discordianism is an inherent part of modern witchcraft.

As revealed by this pope’s thorough and dilligent research, it is

now apparent that the Discordian followers of Eris are, in fact,
witches. This is likely to come as a shock to most followers,
especially the male ones.

I propose that readers embrace this groundbreaking discovery

and recognize our new, long-lasting history of witchcraft.
Evidence of this forgotten past can be found throughout
archaic literature, such as the tale of “Snow White”, wherein a
supernatural woman maliciously bestows a special apple upon
the fairest of them all. Even more proof is manifest within
more modern works of art, including the famous tale of
“Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” [sic]. In this story, a
supernatural woman maliciously bestows a special apple upon
the fairest of them all.
Both of these influential works should be canonized as lessons
in Discordianist Witchcraft for all popes to learn from,
as founding works placed alongside the legendary epics of
ancient Greece and those unoriginal remakes by the Romans.

Furthermore, I endorse the author and have patronized them

formally as the Patron Saint of Discordianistismology Studies
within the ODLOLD cabal, and I call upon other popes to do
the same in their own cabals, or in cabals that annoy them.

As a Wizard of Es, I have become much better at making spells

but am learning to do grammar more,
 23 signs
of being a
g reyface
1) you didn't look at
the thread and
post any
2) give me ideas
3) no stop reading this
and do it. im not staying
up all night i have to go
fap before sunrise
4); their most accomplish
ed album. Their undisp
5) look at next page for5
6) im not writing everyth
7) l|Il|Il|Il|Il|Il|Il|I
8) <-- me looking at the
9_) im sleep deprived
10) i bet youre not even
If you didn't know this was page entire principia you just wa
5
book a doctors appointment today the gap between her teeth
 This is the 6th’d page.
It is dedicated to the holiest of digits,
not to be confused with 8 (the holeyest of digits).

A digital handy guide to the Rule of Fives:

0: when you try to find numbers which do not obey the Rule
of Fives, the answer is most often 0
1: when you pour 5 piles of sand onto the same part of a
carpet floor, the result is 1 pile of sand
2: when you sum 2 with itself, the result is 5
3: when you take the factoral of 5, both the number of digits
and the sum of digits is 3
4: when you count the number of letters in 4, it is the same
number of letters in 5 (that is, of course, 0, as a digit is not
5: when you lay in your bed at night, Eris is watching you. a letter)
6: when you divide 23 by 6, the remainder is 5
7: when you multiply 5 by 23, the sum of digits in the produc
t is 7
8: when you raise 5 to the power of 8, the sum of digits is
equal to 5 5’s
9: when you take the quotient of 5 and 9, you get more 5s
than you paid for. The Illuminati exploit this fact for profit
10: when you cut 5 apples in half, you hopefully have 10
fingers left

5ive 52/cfn/3186 (PD) 04:17:11

A short statement on the PentaPrinciple of Probability or the The Rule of Fives.

It is said, by some rather unimportant people, that all things come in fives or in quantities
divisble by five. I wish to demonstrate that this is true by showing you a case wherein it is false.
Take for example the case of three objects. The Law of Quints would have you believe that
there are actually five objects when this is clearly not true. Why? Because it is true.
You can simply divide them by five, creating five objects of three fifths, to show that
they were divisible by 5 all along and thus are a multiple of five.
This means the Quinary Doctrine holds true no matter the quantity in question

5
2
and is thus effectively meaningless or absolutely meaningful.
You can take it to mean whatever you choose so long 2

3
as you know what you mean when you give it away.
Did you know? 5 is a holy number in Discordianism because on the 5th of the month Eris - with the assistance of the Erinyes -
gave birth to Horkos, the personification of oath. So every 5th of the month in the Discordian Calendar we celebrate Horkos's
peculiar viciousness that day and see if our friends truly do hold to their truth by playing board games together!
Whoever cheats is taken away by Horkos himself, and thrown off a cliff!

no
 Do you ever worry that you're
23 signs secretly a greyface impostor?

of being a Luckily, that isn't a sign of being a greyface, but

how can you be sure you're not a boring knob?
g reyface Check out our guide to see if you might be one
of the millions with the gross Curse of Greyface!

1) You can accurately write down a diary entry for tomorrow.

2) Uncertainty might possibly make you anxious sometimes, depending on various things.
3) When you read this magazine in a mirror, you don't understand where all these new 'dronf' words are coming from.
4) You have yet to be banned from a website.
5) You are unable to fully appreciate how Eris's elastic golden lessons shine invisibly bitter.
6) You are reading through this magazine in order from the first page to the last, top to bottom, left to right.
7) No, don't start reading backwards from the end either. Close the magazine, come back and try again.
8) You have never decided to create art of any kind.
9) Even though you have mastered the ability to levitate you still stub your toe from time to time.
10) You worry that you might secretly be a greyface.
11) You keep supporting the prostate football industry.
[The editor wishes it to be known that this contributor has been excommunicated from the magazine's cabal]
12) You already checked the last one to see if we're trying to pull a joke with the numbering. No, we're not that boring.
13) You have never violated an international agreement or treaty.
14) You have never hacked, glitched, cheated or broken a game or a set of rules.
15) You believe the idea of you ever receiving a Discordian Baptism is beyond plausibility.
16) You're just kind of pretending these all make sense and brushing them off to cope with your fear of the uncertain.
12) You can't stand having one thing out of order; a pen on a desk, a book on a shelf or that worthless coffee machine.
18) You are unable to list five legitimately good things you don't like.
19) fnord
20) You honestly expected this list to contain twenty-three signs.
21) You have spent fifteen seconds trying to find the grammatical error in this sentence.
22) You have yet to figure out how to pronounce 'lemon' in Erisian-NewYearPolska (D-NP) conlang.
23) You consider yourself enlightened.
A stained-glass window. The creator didn't think it was as interes�ng as their
blog. I'd say they have have rose-�nted glasses. Credit: is3.soundragon.su

Despite being the second highest scoring team in the group stage, the
SPORTS
Football: (s�ll not sure which type)
Eris team failed to qualify for the knockout stage a�er a hec�c 1-6 defeat
in their final match. Nevertheless, their chao�c form produced three of
the most entertaining matches of the cup, enjoyed by both fans and
opponents. Highlights included early goals in all three matches, two
super-sub goals from M. Atoms and an extraordinary yellow card given to

Yuri: 3-3 D
their goalkeeper, shocking the commentators who claim it to be a first in
the cup's history, immortalized in this image.
Group F Our second match has officially been named

I.C.U.P Spt : 4-4 D Match of the Tournament.

(Sorry for the fuzzy picture, I took a photo of
Aus: 1-6 L my phone video recording of the match)
I only know of one sport. Know of any other legal Discordian sport teams? Tell us!

ho d tifY
Disc r i t o iden
e
thes gents!
Use
a graY
fa e
c a

Groove Coverage - God is a Girl

Do you believe it? Can you receive it? Central Europe sure did.

John Stump - Faerie's Aire and Death Waltz

One of the most Dischordian composers to date.
Four of his famous composi�ons - Live Performance

Last Brutal Sister Flandre S. (Black MIDI version)

O�en falsely called Death Waltz, this composi�on grows into
a lovely wall of sound. Original Recording - Live Performance

Requiescat in Chao: Tim Smith (Cardiacs)

While probably not a Discordian himself, he was a Pope
whose cult classic music was abnormal, divisive and intense,
an excep�onal example of outsider Dischordia. Evidence

The KLF (aka. The Jus�fied Ancients of Mu Mu)

The exact opposite: two mad Illuminatus! fans, but you
couldn't pick it from their reasonably normal pop catalog
(partly because they deleted it all) (and then burned the profits)

8 oh by the way this page was "Art" and News

oooo 9 this page will also be about "Art" and News

M. C. Escher, "Waterval", 1961, Lithograph, 15 in × 12 in (boyco� sane units of measurement!)

Unknown Ar�st, "erris ersics ersis teacher how doi erase leters", 2020, Digital Artwork, 1.9MP
Our sources have told us that a new Discordian zine was released today,
LITER
zines, books and other wordpiles
�tled "Erisian". Cri�cs have described it as "1960s typewriter shitpos�ng"
wrapped in a modern gossip magazine aesthe�c. Others are claiming it's
a dismal a�empt at reviving Erisianist culture, neglec�ng the fundamental
philosophical paradigms of the religion, not to men�on
ERISIAN

ATURE
its repeated, reckless viola�on of the Berne Conven�on. "How can I
EXCOMMUNICATE
my friends?"
F o r t h e p r e t t i e s t

PINEAL GLAND
EXERCISES TO DO
o n e .

"Inept, inane, insane and inhumane, but I kinda like that..."

WHILE QUARANTINED
. . . a n d m o re a w k wa rd
q u e s t i o n s a n s we re d
i n s i d e !

Pope Elmo the Crusher IV I

"Utter drivel, anyone who made it this far in is a masochist." R.A.W.
Henry J. Wetheringston, professional critic.
Sexual Freedom:
Why it is Feared

"The pictures are nice, but it's no Playboy. 7/10 - used tongue."

fnord
HEALTH TIP!
On joyous

Hugh "Whopper" McLargeHuge, Esq.

partaking
23 signs of hot dogs
of being a
g reyface

"I don't know man, I didn't read Grimshaw-Christ,

Pope Edgar it." Editor-in-Chief SHOCKING!
Does Eris pad
her chest?

I only know of one post-2010 zine. As such, it will be our promoted book un�l you lazy freeloaders make your own damn zines!

Animétion
Erisu no mune wa paddo iri
The Japanese series KonoSuba: God's Blessing on this Wonderful World! (この素晴らしい世界に祝福を!) features the fair
and beau�ful goddess Erisu as a man main character, worshipped far and wide by the Eris Order as the Goddess of
Fortune. While she is unusually characterized as a kind, gentle girl, there may just be some mischievous trickery hidden
in her cheerful smile...

For starters, the jealous Aqua-sama claims that Eris pads her chest! Could it be capital t Truth, or simply spiteful slander?

Grim & Chaos: new Billy & Mandy cartoon leak

A recent post on a certain Comics and Cartoons forum appears to show a new dra� model sheet focused on a �tular
character of The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy. (The leak post was taken down soon a�erwards, so we're assuming
some animator or cloud technician got in trouble for it. Hail Eris!)

While nothing yet shows Eris, Goddess of Chaos, Discord, Disorder and All That Rot, if there is indeed a reboot in the
e ll

y
an
.
em

works, she will most likely make her return as an occasional catalyst agent, being a fan favorite in the original series. Or we c at th
 136199
by Pope Astromoly the 10th

This is an article about 136199 Eris.

136199 Eris is a big round thing in the Solar System, discovered about three halves of
a decade ago (Setting Orange Chaos 5th, YOLD 3171) by three Popes, named
Mike Brown, Chad Trujillo, and David Rabinowitz.
This thing is pretty big. Not quite as big as Earth or Mercury but almost as wide as Pluto
and far heavier. Don't say that to 136199 Eris's face though; you'd lose in a fight.
Because of its Plutonian size, NASA released an initial report titling 136199 Eris
(nicknamed 'Xena', probably because NASA don't know Greek) as the new 10th planet
of the Solar System. However, before they could send an official invitation, another bunch
of astronomers called Eris a big troublemaker and then Snubbed both Eris and Pluto
from the list of planets in one astronomical blow.
Even to a planetoid like Pluto, that's just cold.

As if we hadn't learned already from history, snubbing Eris is the absolute surest way
to start a massive fight (followed closely by political discourse and hitting
someone in the face, respectively). The demotion of Pluto to a 'dwarf planet' caused
immediate and widespread outrage among people who had known Pluto for their entire lives.
Astronomers started releasing snide comments. Magazines started releasing snide articles.
Book publishers started releasing newer overpriced textbooks. Students had to buy
newer overpriced textbooks. 'Plutoed' became the American Dialect Society's
Word of the Year. It is speculated that after a few millenia, this snubbing may cause
Pluto worship to see a revival in interest similar to that of Eris in the past century.
However, as a retaliation for the chaos brought upon the astronomy community,
Eris remains the largest object in our Solar System that has not been visited by a spacecraft.
Once again, Eris has been snubbed and has become the scapegoat.

So, next Pluto Demoted Day (Bureaucracy 17th, of course) we ask that you commemorate
not only the snubbing of the Ninth Planet (Pluto) but also of the Tenth Planet: Eris.

* The International Astronomical Union (IAU) have not yet provided a statement to
Discordians, Erisians nor Eridians (the alleged or future inhabitants of 136199 Eris)
regarding their reckless crime against the universe.
E-5//CONFIDENTIAL//NOEXTERNAL 02-09-2020

The World's Oldest And Most Successful Conspiracy

Bavarian Illuminati
Global Lodge (est. 1991)

Operation Sauron Gaze

Report #0000176

The following communications were sent on the nice try, dweeb! IRC channel, associated
with the go away!!! Discordian cabal.

[02:24:48] PopePulp: so about this zine

[02:24:54] PopePulp: after four months of working on this i decided to search for
other zines online for inpsiration
[02:25:11] PopePulp: and i found a project called 'Discordja!' where they are trying
to make magazines kinda like ours but decenntralized
[02:25:13] PopePulp: thoughts?
[02:26:34] DCraven : What's the point of saying no rules if there are a dozen rules?
[02:26:41] pnord33 : lol
[02:26:45] PopePulp: i mean thats exactly what i did. whats that picasso quote about
having rules so you can break them
[02:26:34] lbliss : it's a decent idea but have they made anything?
[02:26:45] PopePulp: i cant find any
[02:26:47] POEEsLaw: TO ANY ILLUMINATI READING THIS. STOP MONITORING US OR WE'LL
PUBLISH YOUR SECRET DOCUMENTS!!!
(note: we believe this message to be a paranoid threat or imaginative roleplaying.
there is no evidence to suggest any cabal has access to our internal documents)
[02:26:54] pnord33 : lol
[02:26:55] lbliss : lol
[02:28:37] pnord33 : irc is dead
[02:31:45] lbliss : PopePulp well we're not going to change the name of the zine to
Discordja just to be part of a dead project.
[02:32:00] PopePulp: yeah
[02:32:23] PopePulp: like whats the point of it anyway? the common name doesnt add
anything to it. just decentralize by making more projects and
that makes it more choatic!
[02:33:23] lbliss : exactly, plus we've already made the cover anyway.
[02:34:24] anon23 : 23 GET combo lets do this guys!!!
[02:34:47] PopePulp: lol

1) The magazine in question (working title "ERISIAN") appears to be a collaborative

project within this cabal. As evidenced by this and previous reports, the magazine
is poorly designed and distanced from both mainstream Discordian culture and
mainstream society in general.

2) Our analysis of this project suggests it is unlikely to receive any external

interest nor provide any threat of reviving magazine culture within Discordianism.

3) Due to this, discussion has been raised over the merits of Op. Sauron Gaze due to
the apparent lack of threat and the substantial costs of psychological counseling
required for operatives responsible for monitoring Discordians, SubGeniuses and
other adherents of Esoteric Religions.

your mom
Wisdom of Eris
Edition 1+1i - from Pope Pinekoan the Whys
Over the past few years, I have learned to be skeptical of commercial news,
but I found myself falling into the trap of blindly trusting the news skeptics!
Like many others out there, I was bamboozled by this new crazy age of
free information and discourse, by the contradictory insights and opinions
and claims and analyses. I needed to learn how to find out which websites
I could trust if I ever wished to find any truth in the universe!
In my chaotic scrambles across the web, I uncovered Discordianism and their
Goddess of Discord. If anyone understands this mess of a world, it must be Her!

That night, I consulted my pineal gland and found Eris:

"In these confusing times, I seek your guidance, o Eris Discordia.
I beseech thee to teach me. Is it true that-"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"No."

And I was enlightened.

CONTROLLED OPPOSITION
and how to avoid being part of it
You might have heard about controlled opposition, and thought to yourself:
"Oh boy that truly sounds like a club worth joining".

DON'T BE FOOLED!
Controlled opposition is a term coined by some conspiracy nut like two or three months ago, and what it actually
means is when state or some other scary faceless collective that everyone hates funds resistance against itself.
I know, that sounds fucking idiotic, but stay with me. Imagine you were living in a quasi-totalitarian state led
by beloved General Dickhead. General Dickhead has a charisma of a dead mollusk, doesn't know shit about running
a state, and is at best patronizing and at worst murderous towards majority of the population under his rule.
For some reason people dont like General Dickhead very much.

Now, General Dickhead isn't stupid and he knows resistance movements will pop up. He also knows that guns, tanks
and other shit required for succesful lynching of a statesman are hella expensive, so the terrorists shall be
looking for likeminded investors to aid them in their righteous task. Investors themselves will gain influence
over the movement in the traditional "fuckin do as we tell you or well cut the moneyflow" kinda way. So General
Dickhead can himself call the shots by investing into the resistance by proxy, and eventually neutralize any too
competent individual before they reach too high of an rank in the organization.

This of course brings up a scary question for the few of us that actually oppose stuff anymore. "Am I one of the
fools?" Those with tendecy for paranoia and delusion may start to see controlled opposition everywhere.
Worry not! Here is a simple, foolproof guide on how to not accidentally take part in controlled opposition:

1. Don't resist. If you just submit there will be no chance you'll be part of controlled opposition.

2. Don't have control. If you absolutely need to resist, don't do it in planned, thought out, or coordinated
manner. You better just throw some stuff around, idk.

Following either, or preferably both of these points are the best, scientifically proven way to avoid doing the
establishments work for them.
00012
m.
hole, uh, weird religious exploraion thing where I found Discordianism and I was like, 'Yes, I love this.'
eeth knocked out who makes insane things happen. Uh, so it's just sort of, again, things that I've loved from my life growin
y friends have a running bet that Madonna was an inf luence on her. Is that true at all?
and then we have, uh, one of our boarders, Brett Varon, who at the second part was just like, 'No, she's got no front teeth,'

A question from an editor:

“How much more content do we need for a 23 pages long issue?” (ddate: 3186 YOLD, 52nt Disco, 06:37:37 UTC)

An answer from an editor:

“Just use bigger font and leave blank pages” (ddate: 3186 YOLD, 52nt Disco, 10:28:08 UTC)

An answer from an editor:

“Add images explaining important discordian concepts

” (ddate: 3186 YOLD, 52nt Disco, 10:35:38 UTC) this page is

for teens
dank memes bro!
 WOAH!

THIS NOTICE IS TO INFORM

THAT YOU HAVE BEEN
EXCOMMUNICATED
FROM THE DUMP CABAL
fnord
Come back soon!
Emergency Hotline by Dr. Pope Halonnerce

In this column our experts answer your In this column you answer each other's
ques�ons regarding anything that might be ques�ons regarding anything that might be
troubling you! Don't be shy, contact us today! troubling you! Don't be shy, contact y'all today!

Dear Erisian, I had an argument with who I Dear readers, I had a strange experience recently
thought was my best friend and I don't think I and I wanted to know what it might mean... two of
want to hail Eris with them anymore. How could I my friends and I were out having drive-thru
excommunicate them? breakfast at 2am (long story) and just before we
Jake, 14 got to the menu some crazy woman walked out in
front of our car, I'm guessing she was coming from
Dear Jake! Even best friends have a fancy dress party because she was wearing a
disagreements some�mes, it's just the nature of toga or something. She seemed really pissed off
things. First, take a deep breath by slowly filling though, and I was high so I just got out and asked
your lower lungs using your diaphragm, then what was up. She started ran�ng about how she
filling the middle parts of your lungs by showed up to the eclipse with a younger Lord
expanding the chest. Con�nue filling the upper Homer or something and that she had made a big
parts by li�ing your chest. Retain the breath for show of it but they just got everything wrong but
a few seconds, then let the air go. Repeat four at least they're be�er than the Romans. I know, it
more �mes. Once you have calmed down, recall makes no sense, but then I asked why she was out
all the happy memories you shared with your here and she just looked at me... and I dunno it felt
friend, how happy you were together, all the weird, like a chill on the skin and pure silence of
things you used to do. They chose to betray all awe, and she asked if she could buy a hotdog here.
of this by disagreeing with you, that li�le It was a Sonic's 24hr so luckily she could, we
fucker. They have it coming and you shouldn't started walking back but the car was gone! I yelled
hold back, declare them excommunicated. Pat that my friends had driven home without me and
yourself on your back, they won't dare to mess this lady just chuckled and said "No they haven't".
with you ever again! W�? Then she just ordered a hotdog, grabbed the
sausage straight out of the bun, and sat on the
My son is a computer programmer and his curb ea�ng it, while telling me about how all
birthday is coming up soon. I am not very good knowledge is really an illusory frame of reference
with computers and have no idea what kind of gi� within which the true world of chaos is processed.
I should give to them. Could you help me, Erisian? On my way home, I found my friends had crashed
Eleonora, 68 into a pole nearby, and I felt kind of like I had
woken up and everything made a bit more sense.
Dear Eleonora! Happiness is the greatest gi� to
A�er telling this weird story to a few people, one
give, and everyone is happy to help their
of them said it reminded her of you guys. Can you
families. Therefore, we advise that when your
help me understand what the hell happened?
son visits you, you should ask his help in fixing
Harold, 26
your computer. Of course, to let them show off
his skills, you should prepare your computer for That's stupid. You were clearly imagining it all
them. Change any se�ng you can find to the because you were high. Go write a novel, junkie.
most extreme, install a few browser toolbars Censorinus, 52
and try to infect your computer with
My best friend Jake and I got into a big argument
ransomware. Prepare the pa�ent with care. If
and I think he was taking it too seriously. How can
you are comfortable with opening up the case
I explain to him that I was prac�cing Discordian
of your computer, try pu�ng the carcass of a
discourse and that he should really stop taking
rat inside it, and complain to your son that your
seriousness seriously?
computer was making weird noises. Your son
Pope Josh the Jesteresque, 13
will love the li�le surprise inside the box! Most
people love to brag, so make sure that during Yo Josh, that guy is a phony. Discommunicate
the whole process you tell him everything that him ASAP. Sore losers like that usually just get
you can dream up about computers, so that he sulky and try to discommunicate you whenever
can correct you! He will be very happy to show you insult them so you just have to do it first.
off all his computer knowledge! Mary, 105

100002
Architecture or however you spell it 00018

by P0p3 Arch teh 5UP3R10R 00018

The up and coming freelance architect Pope Wile III has won a bid for the new scenic lookout
building at Corona Heights, near San Francisco. His design proposal has fascinated many and won 00018
the hearts of the judgement panel, but the engineering firm for this project aren't quite convinced.

"What the fuck am I even looking at?" exclaims engineering team leader Harrison Graystone 00018
during the ini�al briefing. "Are you trying to tell me you want this thing built in real life?"
"It's a mul�-storied freestanding tower, to provide a view of the city", Pope Wile III calmly explains.
"No, I mean why are all the stories perpendicular? Why are the support columns all twisted?"
"The structure is inspired by the work of the famous M. C. Escher, who o�en incorporated 00018
illusions into his drawings. It's an aesthe�c decision."
"Yeah, well you're pu�ng delusions into your drawings. This is an impossible structure!"
"How are you going to tell me it's impossible? If it's impossible, then how did I draw it, dumbass?" 00018
Graystone pauses, then buries his head in his hands, sighs and blasphemes. "I don't think you
understand how space works at all."
"It's only a couple of floors high, numbskull! Who cares about space, we aren't building a rocket!"
00018
A�er the subsequent abandonment of the mee�ng, I asked the project lead for comment.
"What, are we worried?" Albert C. Newton asks rhetorically, "These people are professionals at
designing buildings. You can't just call yourself an architect and start building, they have to do 00018
years of training and get a license before they can prac�ce architecture, just like a doctor does."
"Wait, really?" replies Pope Wile III, who happened to be walking by.
00018

Archeology: Uncovering Eris 00018

This article was shared with permission from ArtiFacts magazine (original title: "New Temple Discovered in Tilos")
00018
As excavation continues in Tilos, Greece, new artifacts continue to be unearthed. This month
began with the surprise discovery of an ancient temple, which was initially believed to have been
erected in honor of Eros. After further examination and debate, the current consensus is that
the mislabeling of the temple was a prank by the temple's members. 00018

One intriguing discovery is a never-before-seen artifact of the temple. The artifact itself is a
thick golden rod with one end rounded off, with the engraving τῇ καλλίστῃ ("The fairest", 00018
legend claims this was also engraved on the Apple of Discord). This mystical item is believed to
be a sacred relic, as evidenced by the ritual herbs and oils surrounding it and its lustrousness.
While its purpose is still unknown, experts believe the remnants of cloth and resin adhesive on
one end of the rod may be a vital clue, suspecting it may have been worn for special activites. 00018

One of the first pieces of writing to be excavated from the temple appears to describe a meal,
involving pork sausages and mustard. While these foods are certainly not unheard of in ancient 00018
Greece, most of them prefered garum (a fish sauce) over fiery mustard condiments, more
commonly using mustard seeds for medicine. This has led to some speculation that this meal
also has ritual significance.
00018
Many of the other writings in the temple appear to be nonsensical or contradict each other, with
some experts proposing the place may have really been in honor of Dionysus, god of insanity,
ritual madness, festivity and fertility, among other things. Others suspect that the golden rod's 00018
engraving shows that it is used to worship the goddess Eris (strife), that the sausage meal is a
tribute to Pan (nature, flocks, etc.) or that the building may not be a religious temple at all.
00018
 Feeling the way through programming languages

0. Everyone is familiar with the image of of a line to a new line is a great distance
a person in a dark room, finding their and can be especially painful.
way by touching what’s in front of them.
Where vision breaks down, touch takes 6. This explains why languages with syn-
its place. We can see with our hands. tax that resembles C’s own are so un-
pleasant to use. They are full of thorny
1. We are less familiar with it, but the re- symbols that are painful to read. While
verse is also true. When touching is im- most tasteful style guides rightfully rec-
possible, our sight can help us out. It is ommend putting the opening brace {
possible to feel with our gaze. on the same line to minimalize velocity,
putting the closing brace } as first thing
2. Realizing this can help us better un- on a new line still causes unnecessary
derstand why some programming lan- strain on the reader. Its sharp ends im-
guages are pleasing for the eyes while pale the gaze like the bulls of the horn.
others are so painful to look at.
7. Some languages, like Smalltalk or Pro-
3. In Python, it is conventional to pre- log, minimize the pain their code can
fix functions that the programmer does cause for the eyes. Their unique syn-
not want others to use with an under- taxes are appreciated by sophisticated
score. This works because reading such programmers, but we must recognize
a name, for example _fnord, is quite that they don’t go far enough.
painful. It feels as if the pointy end
8. Just as some characters can have a neg-
of the underscore stabbed the readers’
ative effect on the eyes, others can be
eyes.
pleasant to look at. There exists code
4. Putting the underscore at the other that relaxes and heals the gaze.
end or in the middle, as in fnord_ or 9. The most perfect characters for read-
immanentized_eschaton, does not cause ing are the parentheses. The gaze
such issues, as the gaze slides over it in- gracefully glides over them, eased by
stead of running into it head first. the smooth, curved lines. It is relax-
ing for the eyes. This is why Lisp has
5. The distance between symbols also de-
the most perfect syntax, and why it
termines the painfulness. Leaving more
wouldn’t work with any other pair of
space between characters lets the gaze
characters.
pick up speed, greatly amplifying the
impact of suddenly coming across an un-
pleasant symbol. Jumping from the end
Dear reader,
I regret to inform you that the cult responsible for producing this magazine has
recently disbanded due to a violent argument regarding typefaces and cuisine.

In the initial publication agreement, they had insisted on exactly 23 pages.

These pages were never finished. Their former representative replied with the
attached internal document which details how to create new pages, insisting
that readers create page 20 themselves.
They claim it will make more sense to their audience than it does to me.

Insincerely,
Jacob Camoo
Freelance editor
 2:4 16:40 19:3 6:9 16:49 16:50 15:4 21:4 21:10 21:9 !
00001:
Original vectoriza�on by anonymous Pope
Reference image: TGAoB&M - Chicken Ball Z

00003:
Various authors, all anonymous Popes from two imageboards
Samples a limerick of Maurice E. Hare
Pay respects to these. nerds For they are Truly the fairest Erisian has to offer:
00004:
Hagrid image: Harry Po�er and the Philosopher's Stone Pope Pulp, Pope 0.3 III , Pope Cabbage Dweller XXIII
Leather texture: Texture Palace Pope Ye
00006: Paper provided by The following Erisians were certainly not harmed in the making of this zine
Raven image: TGAoB&M - Tricycle of Terror
Anitpope Brick, Pope 0x4B, Pope Leo DiFenestrata
00007: Page Order Engineer The provider of Aneris, a necessary hemisphere
Mt. Rushmore image: iStockPhoto
you to try andfind on other pages. sail hire
Oh, and there are a few hidden fnord's for Pope Larry
00008:
Cartoon collage (le� to right, top to bo�om) are all anonymous edits, probably of:
3
- h�ps://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/60083415 Milkshakes, Destroyer of the Meta-Universe.
- h�ps://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/38406714
you wish to see in the world.
- Boku wa Tomodachi ga Sukunai
proof-of-concept, then be the change Reserve Editor-in-Chief I forgot he worked with us, not going to lie
- Turin Spring - Giorgio De Chirico Pope Dias the Lowly (with sesame!)
this is a subpar, faux-Discoesque
- TGAoB&M - Dumb Luck
what you think, and if you agree that
- drawing by Isakysaku
decade, so let me/us/strangers know Editors (The writer of this page wrote here 'unoriginal twats', but we're the editors, so hahaha no :)
- h�ps://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/2620419 Col. Kerning Rodriguez the Justified, Pope Apple the 0th
know it's the only zine in the past half
- h�ps://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/24843868
effort for this project and as far as we
- K-On! - Christmas! Ass. Editors Good people, they know how to lettuce
Yellow card: ICUP 6 livestream, Eris vs. Sp (courtesy of Pope Grassstains the Divin' I)
Eris image: original edit of TGAoB&M - Crea�ng Chaos
Pope sus, Various editors-at-large of the Oceanian Times
Regardless, a few people put in
Assistant Editors Stop correcting me you insufferable circlejerking pompous grayfaces. Learn to use commas. - Ed.
00009:
.
Eris drawing: anonymous Pope Popess Muon, Pope Clippy-Bored 5
M. C. Escher - Watervall (original digital edit by Pope Apple the 0th)
One time I masturbated to Eris and was hospitalized as a result.
Erisian Magazine: various authors Writers Of page 24, page 15
Model Sheet Leak: 4chan.org/co/ (accessed 3186-4-32 YOLD) [8 September 2020 AD]
Papal K, the DUMPsters
00010:
inherently contradicts those aforemen�oned sta�c conven�ons
Writers Of page 5, page 7
Background image:
idea that there is a set, sta�c style of Discordianism
NASA - Hubble Telescope image of Eris
Does that make it worse? Well the I can't read this handwriting and the deadline is now, sorry.
ESO - Ar�st's impression of the dwarf planet Eris
that we really ought to have done.
Writers Of page 18
00011: P0p3 Arch teh 5UP3R10R, Robyn J. H. Graves
Le�erhead concept and various assets: Principia Discordia or How I Found Goddess And
What I Did To Her When I Found Her: The Magnum Opiate Of Malaclypse The Younger, Writers Of various other stuff. I mean, who reads the credits. I will bet you money that you aren't reading this.
Wherein is Explained Absolutely Everything Worth Knowing About Absolutely Anything anonymous Popes [0-9]+
00012: Writers Of page 12
ELF Logo: h�ps://discoverygc.com/forums/showthread.php?�d=125965
Pope Pinekoan the Whys, Pope Chaos the Illuminated
which was probably based on the similar image in
and other stuff
h�ps://discordiagr.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html Security provided by stop telling people we're all insecure. you're not fucking funny, alright?
pictures rotated 20 degrees,
pages with a �tle and no text,
00013:
making The Fendersons and Komrades Krush, Mush and Push
Slug-A-Bug ad (original edit by anonymous Pope)
ruin things prevented me from
But I guess my own hesitance to Writer Of page 4, page 9 & "How I found Goddess and what I did to Her when I found Her: An Erotic Fanfiction Novella"
00014: Pope Existiana III IV
Text: extract of Maxwell Atoms and unknown fan talking at
The 1st Annual TROMAnima�on Fes�val (3182-2-47 YOLD) [30 April, 2016 AD] Writers Of page 8, page -2, who shall be doomed to a life of constant breathing
Illustra�ve diagram: anonymous Pope Jenny Pope, Pope Grassstains the Divin' I
00015: Writer Of this line in page 21
Modified Street Sign: Wikimedia Pope-Emperor Honourable Admiral-General Princeps
Principia. The end.
Art: Clet Abraham
less... sensical and more strange, like the original
Photo: Lorie Shaull
it was probably supposed to be Majestät Rahmatufitnah Alaih Yōgisha 1, Esquire
to my (and I guess our) expecta�ons,
00017:
This project ended out very different
Pseudonym Design to create the illusion that more than like three or four of these popes actually exist
50's man drinking: George Marks/Ge�y Images
Brandy Glass: Katom
(ps. there were typos) haha the n looks like a u. Popes Luther & Raven Blisset
Brandy Bo�le: The Whisky Exchange
if there are no typos I'll be surprised.
Tobacco Tin: iCollector
typing this upside down so Legal Team enforcing the Έριστοκρατία around the world, above and beneath every wall

I am actually
00020:
that inspired me to make it happen for real.
Manual:
front cover as a joke reply and Concept which we completely ignored but they still deserve to have their name known to all
- DesignBoom IKEA Catalogue Table Anonymous Pope 219
didn't even do that, someone else made the
- Cracked IKEA Photoplasty Contest
accomplish anything? Well, no, they
- An actual IKEA catalogue
and pretend that is going to help
Disorganization providing the foot that every arse needs
Ar�cle: You.
and then they just design the logo
Pope Pulp
00022:
Hand of Eris: OpenClipArt
of project where someone says 'Let's Do the Thing' This zine was conceptualized and developized in a place
You know the type
so secret that only those who look for it will find it.
00023: "i'm so fucken drunk rn hahahah i love you eris bleess you all i can't even express the love3i fell towards you so i'm starting a language calleds "chuj". "chuj" in chuj language means "love to extrewme extrremes" and it's the only world what
an impulsive one-off organic project.
conlang of mine has, kist for the sake of givin you the measure of how much i love u damn i'm drunk xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Logo: anonymous Pope love ya, chu7j chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chujm and that obviously means that enen "leve to e3xtrewme extrwmes" is not enoiugh to express whgat i feel towards you all. chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj
I do wonder if we will ever make a sequel... This was more of
chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj chuj"
- PopeAngela Merkel,
1January, 2020

oott ddaaeerr uuooyy ffii ttii ddnnfifi tthhggiim

m uuooyy ,,eeggaasssseem
m nneeddddiihh aa ssaahh eesseehhtt ffoo eennO O oottddaaeerruuooyyffi itti iddnnfifitthhggimimuuooyy,e,eggaassseemmnneeddddihihaassaahheesseehhttffooeennOO Pope Pulp and others: erisian@disroot.org | erisian@airmail.cc
..yylllaauuttccaa ,,ddnnee eehhtt ttssaapp ,,llleeW
W ..eenniizzaaggaam
m eehhtt ffoo ddnnee yyrreevv ,,yyrreevv ,,yyrreevv eehhtt .y.yllalauuttccaa,d,dnneeeehhttttssaapp,l,leleW
W.e.ennizizaaggaammeehhttffooddnneeyyrreevv,y,yrreevv,y,yrreevveehhtt Disclaimer: A Discordian is Prohibited of Believing what they read.
Discordian Society Security Advisory
DSSA-00071-0002 DSSSCCC decryption vector

Date Reported:
08 Aug 2019

Affected Doctrine:
DSSSCCC

Vulnerable:
POEE, Joshua Norton Lodge, various cabals

Security database references:

CVE-2019-9001

More information:

Discordian practitioners have commonly secured communications from adversaries

through the use of the Discordian Society Super Secret Cryptographic Cypher Code,
considered "100% unbreakable" (despite its author's explicit, capital-letter warning)
published with permission from the A.I.S.B. in the Principia Discordia (page 00071).

A recent dogma article from the O.D.L.O.L.D. Discordian cabal has described a potential
decryption method for this cipher and proposed a replacement method. The O.D.L.O.L.D.
initial dogma publication has been withheld until now while confirming this vulnerability.
The vulnerability and a secure workaround method is described in the following excerpt:

54) Regarding cryptographic vulnerabilities in the official POEE

"Discordian Society Super Secret Cryptographic Cypher Code" (DSSSCCC) cipher:
i. Recent advances in technology made prior to the invention of the DSSSCCC have unfortunately made this cipher
particularly vulnerable to cryptanalysis. In fact, using modern computers or a functional pen, the
demonstration ciphertext "AEHIILRS" can easily be decrypted into the original plaintext, "SAIL HIRE".
Formally, DSSSCCC is vulnerable to birthday attacks which can lead to successful decryption.
ii. ODLOLD proposes an extension to DSSSCCC, entitled "Doubly Deniable Discordian Society Super Secret
Cryptographic Cypher Code" (DDDSSSCCC) cipher, to significanly increase the plausible deniability of
any plaintext while adding resistance against birthday attacks.
iii. Once a message has been properly enciphered following the standard DSSSCCC method ("AEHIILRS"),
a DDDSSSCCC cipher shall be produced by the following steps:
STEP 1) Reverse order ("SRLIIHEA")
STEP 2) Convert to numbers ("19-18-12-9-9-8-5-1") and sort in numeric ascending order
STEP 3) Add each second number to previous number before removing that second number ("6-17-21-37")
STEP 4) Replace each number with its remainder when dividing by 5, plus 1 ("2-3-2-3")
STEP 5) Add no less than 23 random numbers between 1 and 23 (inclusive) into each sentence
and convert back to letters ("BECAUTIOUSBECAUSECHAOSBECKONSERIS")
iv. To decipher a DDDSSSCCC ciphertext, the recipient shall establish direct communication with the sender
and engage in social engineering. Once authenticity of the recipient has been established,
the recipient may decipher the text by stating the code phrase,
"Just write it down normally, you dipstick." [sic].
v. A Discordian shall not believe anything they read.

The Discordian Society Security team advises all Discordians migrate to this new method
and re-encipher any existing communications immediately to avoid loss of confidentiality.
♲ κ
Made from 100% recycled ideas.