Communication Styles

Communication Styles
To identify the different communication styles
- and recognizing which one we use most
often in our daily interactions with friends,
family and colleagues - is essential if we want
to develop effective, assertive communication
skills. But how can we tell the difference
between the styles, and is there a time and
place for each one in certain situations?
 The Benefits of Understanding the
Different Styles of Communication
• A good understanding of the five basic styles of
communication will help you learn how to react
most effectively when confronted with a difficult
person. It will also help you recognize when you
are not being assertive or not behaving in the
most effective way. Remember, you always have a
choice as to which communication style you use.
Being assertive is usually the most effective, but
other styles are, of course, necessary in certain
situations– such as being submissive when under
physical threat (a mugging, hijacking etc.).
5
 The Five Communication Styles
• Assertive
• Aggressive
• Passive-aggressive
• Submissive
• Manipulative
Different sorts of behavior and language are
characteristic of each.
 The Assertive Style
• Assertive communication is born of high self-esteem. It
is the healthiest and most effective style of
communication - the sweet spot between being too
aggressive and too passive. When we are assertive, we
have the confidence to communicate without resorting
to games or manipulation. We know our limits and
don't allow ourselves to be pushed beyond them just
because someone else wants or needs something from
us. Surprisingly, however, Assertive is the style most
people use least.
 The Assertive Style
 Behavioral Characteristics
• Achieving goals without hurting others.
• Protective of own rights and respectful of others'
rights Socially and emotionally expressive.
• Making your own choices and taking
responsibility for them Asking directly for needs
to be met, while accepting the possibility of
rejection.
• Accepting compliments.
 The Assertive Style
 Non-Verbal Behavior
• Voice – medium pitch and speed and volume
• Posture – open posture, symmetrical balance,
tall, relaxed, no fidgeting
• Gestures – even, rounded, expansive
• Facial expression – good eye contact
• Spatial position – in control, respectful of others
 The Assertive Style
• Language • People on the Receiving
"Please would you turn end Feel
They can take the person at
the volume down? I am their word
really struggling to They know where they
concentrate on my stand with the person
studies.“
The person can cope with
• "I am so sorry, but I won't justified criticism and
be able to help you with accept
your project this compliments
afternoon, as I have a The person can look after
themselves
dentist appointment." Respect for the person
 The Aggressive Style
• This style is about winning – often at someone
else's expense. An aggressive person behaves
as if their needs are the most important, as
though they have more rights, and have more
to contribute than other people. It is an
ineffective communication style as the
content of the message may get lost because
people are too busy reacting to the way it's
delivered.
 The Aggressive Style
 Behavioral Characteristics
• Frightening, threatening, loud, hostile
• Willing to achieve goals at expense of others
• Out to "win“
• Demanding, abrasive
• Belligerent
• Explosive, unpredictable
• Intimidating
• Bullying
 The Aggressive Style
Non-Verbal Behavior
• Voice – volume is loud
• Posture – 'bigger than' others
• Gestures - big, fast, sharp/jerky
• Facial expression – scowl, frown, glare
• Spatial position - Invade others' personal
space, try to stand 'over‘ others
 The Aggressive Style
 Language  People on the Receiving end Feel
• "You are crazy!“ • Defensive, aggressive (withdraw or fight
• "Do it my way!“ back)
• "You make me • Uncooperative
sick!“ • Resentful/Vengeful
• "That is just about • Humiliated/degraded
enough out of • Hurt
you!“ • Afraid
• Sarcasm, name- • A loss of respect for the aggressive person
calling,
threatening, • Mistakes and problems are not reported to
blaming, insulting. an aggressive person in case they "blow
up'. Others are afraid of being railroaded,
exploited or humiliated.
0
 The Passive-Aggressive Style
• This is a style in which people appear passive on the
surface, but are actually acting out their anger in
indirect or behind-the-scenes ways. Prisoners of War
often act in passive-aggressive ways in order to deal
with an overwhelming lack of power. People who
behave in this manner usually feel powerless and
resentful, and express their feelings by subtly
undermining the object (real or imagined) of their
resentments – even if this ends up sabotaging
themselves. The expression "Cut off your nose to spite
your face" is a perfect description of passive-aggressive
behavior.
 The Passive-Aggressive Style
 Behavioral Characteristics
• Indirectly aggressive
• Sarcastic
• Devious
• Unreliable
• Complaining
• Sulky
• Patronizing (to speak to or behave towards someone as
if they are stupid or not important)
• Gossips
• Two-faced - Pleasant to people to their faces, but
poisonous behind their backs. People do things to
actively harm the other party e.g. they sabotage a
machine by loosening a bolt or put too much salt in
their food.
 The Passive-Aggressive Style
 Non-Verbal Behavior
• Voice – Often speaks with a sugary sweet voice.
• Posture – often asymmetrical – e.g. Standing with hand
on hip, and hip thrust out (when being sarcastic or
patronizing)
• Gestures – Can be jerky, quick
• Facial expression – Often looks sweet and innocent
• Spatial position – often too close, even touching other
as pretends to be warm and friendly
 The Passive-Aggressive Style
 Language  People on the
• Passive-aggressive language is Receiving end
when you say something like Feel
"Why don't you go ahead and do • Confused
it; my ideas aren't very good • Angry
anyway" but maybe with a little • Hurt
sting of irony or even worse,
sarcasm, such as "You always • Resentful
know better in any case.“
• "Oh don't you worry about me, I
can sort myself out – like I usually
have to."
 The Submissive Style
• This style is about pleasing other people and
avoiding conflict. A submissive person behaves
as if other peoples' needs are more important,
and other people have more rights and more
to contribute.
 The Submissive Style
 Behavioral Characteristics
• Apologetic (feel as if you are imposing when you ask
for what you want)
• Avoiding any confrontation
• Finding difficulty in taking responsibility or decisions
• Yielding to someone else's preferences (and
discounting own rights and needs)
• Opting out
• Feeling like a victim
• Blaming others for events
• Refusing compliments
• Inexpressive (of feelings and desires)
 The Submissive Style
• Non-Verbal Behavior
• Voice – Volume is soft
• Posture – make themselves as small as possible, head down
• Gestures – twist and fidget
• Facial expression – no eye contact
• Spatial position – make themselves smaller/lower than
others
• Submissive behavior is marked by a martyr-like attitude
(victim mentality) and a refusal to try out initiatives, which
might improve
things.
 The Submissive Style
 Language  People on the Receiving end Feel
• "Oh, it's nothing, • Exasperated (annoyed )
really.“ • Frustrated
• "Oh, that's all right; • Guilty
I didn't want it • You don't know what you want (and
anymore.“ so discount you)
• "You choose; • They can take advantage of you.
anything is fine."
• Others resent the low energy
surrounding the submissive person
and eventually give up trying to help
them because their efforts are
subtly or overtly rejected.
 The Manipulative Style
• This style is scheming, calculating and shrewd.
Manipulative communicators are skilled at
influencing or controlling others to their own
advantage. Their spoken words hide an
underlying message, of which the other
person may be totally unaware.
 The Manipulative Style
Behavioral Characteristics
• Cunning
• Controlling of others in an insidious way – for
example, by sulking
• Asking indirectly for needs to be met
• Making others feel obliged or sorry for them.
• Uses 'artificial' tears
 The Manipulative Style
Non-Verbal Behavior
• Voice – patronizing, envious, ingratiating,
often high pitch
• Facial expression – Can put on the 'hang dog"
expression
 The Manipulative Style
• Language • People on the Receiving
• "You are so lucky to have end Feel
those chocolates, I wish I • Guilty
had some. I can't afford • Frustrated
such expensive chocolates.“ • Angry, irritated or annoyed
• "I didn't have time to buy • Resentful
anything, so I had to wear
this dress. I just hope I don't • Others feel they never know
look too awful in it." where they stand with a
('Fishing' for a compliment). manipulative person and
are annoyed at constantly
having to try to work out
what is going on.
 Conclusion
• Good communication skills require a high level of self-
awareness. Once you understand your own
communication style, it is much easier to identify any
shortcomings or areas which can be improved on, if
you want to start communicating in a more assertive
manner. If you're serious about strengthening your
relationships, reducing stress from conflict and
decreasing unnecessary anxiety in your life, practice
being more assertive. It will help you diffuse anger,
reduce guilt and build better relationships both
personally and professionally. Remember the first rule
of effective communication: The success of the
communication is the responsibility of the
communicator.
 Translation
• The words Fire Department make it sound like
they’re the ones who are starting fires, doesn’t
it? It should be called the “Extinguishing
Department.” We don’t call the police the “Crime
Department.” Also, the “Bomb Squad” sounds
like a terrorist gang. The same is true of wrinkle
cream. Doesn’t it sound like it causes wrinkles?
And why would a doctor prescribe pain pills?
I already have pain! I need relief pills! Carlin
(1997).