Pinned
Marcille: "Uhhh . . . I'm so hungry . . ."
Laios: "We should have waited until we were at the end of this maze to kill and eat the minotaur. Senshi, what do we have left?"
Senshi: "We're good on water due to that aquifer leaking into the maze, but otherwise all we have left is my spices and this unopened bottle of benadryl."
Laios: "Hmm . . ."
Marcille: "Laois, look at me. Benadryl isn't food."
Laios: "I know that, but what if we were to kill and eat the Hat Man?"
Chilchuck: "WHAT?"
Senshi: "What's the Hat Man?"
Marcille: *sighs* "It's a shared hallucination, generally induced by certain kinds of drug intake. Some mages have tried to study if it's real but were unable to prove that it stayed tangible or present after they sobered up."
Senshi: "So that benadryl would lure the Hat Man to us, and give us a chance to fight it? That will be tough. Sounds like we will have to kill, cook and eat it all before the medicine wears off if it will lose tangibility otherwise."
Laois: "That's it! If we need only one or two of us to kill the Hat Man, then the rest can be dosed up only right before the meal is done cooking."
Senshi: "There's one problem with that. Dwarves are basically immune to any tallmen drug that isn't prescription strength. I'll need half the bottle just to have enough time to eat the meal. Chilchuck, you'll be able to use it the most efficiently because of how little you weigh. I can make sure that the fire is ready, but you'll have to fight the Hat Man alone and dose Marcille afterwards to help you with the cooking prep. Laios and I shouldn't risk taking more than needed just to eat."
Chilchuck: "ARE YOU CRAZY?! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THE HAT MAN IS REAL! And I don't do the fighting in this group! There's NO WAY that-"
Narrator: And so with their plan formulated, Chilchuck took a heavy dose of benadryl and prepared to fight the Hat Man in single combat.
The dub being so incredible allowed me to imagine this scene vividly enough that I was compelled to write it down.
Anyways I never intended to have a part 2 for this but now ideas won't leave my brain after some of you were cruel enough to remind me of benadryl chicken.
Part 2; content warnings for vomiting, body horror and disgusting descriptions of food:
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Laois: "See it yet, Chilchuck?"
Chilchuck is sitting with his back against the wall, eyes bleary as he struggles to shake his head.
Senshi: "Hm, it must have been around half an hour at this point. Marcille, are there any better descriptions of the Hat Man?"
Marcille: "Well the 'Man' part is mostly a placeholder. Getting coherent reports is difficult so we know nothing about the potential biology of the creature, let alone if it even has a gender. The 'Hat' part is more interpreted from its silhouette, meaning that it either has headwear or possibly horns that resemble the brim of a hat. Anything beyond the vague details from witnesses is all guesswork."
Chilchuck suddenly flinches, struggling to stand upright. His eyes are wide and fixed on an empty point in the hallway as he begins a weak scream of fear.
Senshi: "That must be it!"
Senshi helps Chilchuck up and puts the kitchen knife into his hand.
Senshi: "Steady, try to make sure you find a vital point for your first sta-"
Chilchuck throws the knife in front of him, where it clatters against the wall and doesn't do anything unusual. He then turns as if to flee, prompting Laios to help Senshi point him forward.
Laios: "You've got this, Chilchuck. Here, you can use my kni- Hey! Not the benadryl!"
Chilchuck throws the bottle of medicine that he managed to swipe out of Laios' other hand. An arc of the syrupy liquid spins out as the cap comes loose, splattering as if against an invisible surface. A figure fades into view, pale skin and empty eye sockets in a misshapen approximation of a human. Its head expands out as if to imitate the brim of a bowler hat, and the benadryl is splattered across its chest, it wears no clothes and the only distinct feature is the mouth that is too round and too full of teeth.
Everyone starts screaming as it lunges towards Chilchuck. Senshi's scream takes over as it proves to be a scream of determination, driving him forward as he cuts the head off of the figure.
The screaming fades and everyone stares as the body collapses and the head rolls, no blood pouring from the wounds. The head fades as if it were an illusion, and everyone turns their attention to the still body.
Marcille: "It's real . . . the Hat Man is real . . ."
Laios: "It's a real monster . . ." His expression shifts from shock to awe. "And we get to eat it!"
Marcille: "No! I didn't think it would look that much like a person! Even if it's not a demihuman it certainly can't be edible!"
Senshi guides Chilchuck to Marcille.
Senshi: "Help the kid out, make sure he throws up the medicine. I don't think he needs the full dose at this point. Laios and I will figure out if there's anything to be done with the thing's body."
Senshi and Laios crouch in front of the Hat Man's headless body, examining it and testing their knives on it.
Senshi: "Huh, no blood or bones. And the meat is all white and formed around cartilage."
Laios: "No hair, nails or organs. How was it even alive?"
Senshi: "Maybe it's like jellyfish, limited nerves but otherwise a simplified biology."
Laios cuts off a thin slice of the meat, and watches as it fades from view after a couple seconds.
Laios: "It looks like contact with the benadryl is what anchors it to reality. I could even feel the weight of it vanish."
Senshi cuts off a part with benadryl splatter on it, which doesn't fade. He then nibbles on it.
Senshi: "Huh, tastes odd."
Laios takes a bite.
Laios: "Yeah, the meat looks somewhere between poultry and fish, but the taste is more like-" (Chilchuck scream vomits, preventing the viewer from hearing what Laios says.)
Senshi: "Are you sure? I'm thinking the flavor is more like-" (Chilchuck scromits again, drowning out the dialogue.)
Laios pauses and considers.
Laios: "If only we could study its activities, what it eats. If we weren't in a rush we could probably learn so much more." He stares at the carcass. "How do we cook it without it vanishing?"
Senshi begins preparing his shield for use as a pan.
Senshi: "That's easy, we just cook the benadryl into the meat."
A cooking montage begins.
Senshi: "First, salvage the remaining benadryl in the bottle while we melt down that last chunk of minotaur fat that Marcille was planning to use to make more soap."
Marcille: "Hey!"
Senshi: "Next, add the benadryl to the fat and stir until it's fully mixed. This will make a glaze that can cover more surface area and let us salvage more meat."
Laios: "For the meat prep, what if we slice perpendicular lines into the Hat Man meat then rub the spices in like this? That will also make more surface area for the glaze to stick to. Given how much cartilage is in the limbs we can only really make use of the torso, so the cuts will be thick."
Senshi: "Good idea. We'll brush the glaze over the outer edge of the meat, then cut it out of the carcass. Now we're free to use the glaze on all sides. Sauté the meat in the leftover glaze, flipping as each side browns fully. Sprinkle some diced herbs on top and it's complete."
A food title pop-up appears for "Sautéed Hat Man with Benadryl Glaze."
Everyone sits with a plate of the meat in their hands, hesitating. The gazes turn towards Laios.
Laios: "Right, this was my idea, only fair I try it first." He takes a bite and begins chewing.
Chilchuck: "I almost want you to say it's not edible."
Laios: "It's strange, but not awful." He takes another bite. "Probably not an ideal recipe but with how little is known about this monster we should still consider it a success."
The others begin to slowly eat. Marcille and Chilchuck grimace and gag.
Chilchuck: "All I can taste is benadryl."
Senshi: "The texture sure is strange once it's cooked, and it looks like whatever juices are hidden in the meat managed to caramelize with the benadryl in those spiced incisions you made, Laios."
Laios: "Yeah. It looks like a fish fry but with the caramelized benadryl it has the texture of a grilled cheese sandwich."
Laios and Senshi continue to eat unabated. Chilchuck and Marcille look despondent.
Chilchuck: "Are we sure starving isn't better?"
Marcille looks at the meal, then her face sets in a determined grim.
Marcille: "If we choose to starve then we might as well throw away our chances down here. I'll force this meal down for Falin's sake."
Chilchuck watches Marcille gag between each bite, then looks down the hallway. From his perspective he's still not quite sober, and his eyes lock on the Hat Man's head. The eye sockets glow with a sickly orange light and limb like an infant's hand emerges from the side of the head, pushing it so it rolls out of view. Chilchuck's hand trembles as he takes his next bite.
Narrator: "Um, well. Life holds many mysteries, and more of them are edible than you might think! Delicious . . ." The narrator audibly gags. ". . . in Dungeon."
