Aro Futures

An aromantic reading of "Method to the Madness" by The Wombats:

Fuck my sadness and fuck your roleplay No construction, I'll build it my own way No more subscribing, no reviews Fuck our options and fuck the life plan No more worry, I've killed it with both hands Just give me something to light the fuse

As someone nonpartnering, I'm always dancing on the razor's edge of relating to and having no patience for "forever alone" sentiments from alloro single people.

Because on the one hand, to be perfectly honest, yes, I am lonely! And while there's numerous factors involved in that, my being single is one of them. It's hard not to feel isolated as a single adult and I'm very cognizant of my friends, coworkers, family members etc... who have this whole category of social life that I do not.

However. While if someone individually happens to want a partner, that's fine and well and good, but 'everyone must partner off' cannot continue to be the broader social model. If your mentality is 'I'll get a romantic partner and that'll be that', then you're contributing to the problem -- for both yourself and everyone else.

Community has to be the real focus. When I think about combatting loneliness, I think about universal basic income and affordable housing, walkable neighbourhoods and robust public transit, free community events (both in-person and online), access to high-quality affordable healthcare, access to public restrooms, etc...

Even if we woke up tomorrow to find sudden cultural acceptance of permanent singlehood as an option, I and many other people would still be lonely! We need to support social infrastructure outside of romantic relationships and nuclear families at the policy level. If you have to work multiple jobs to afford a place to live or if you have a 2 hour commute because the local bus service sucks or if the best spot in town to meet new people is an accessibility nightmare, all of these things are going to stifle community and we're still going to be lonely. I genuinely do sympathize with the plight of the single alloro, but there has to be an understanding that your individual loneliness is not the end of the line.

I think people who consider aromanticism as "basically straight" underestimate how noticeable absence can be to those around you.

Whether you're a kid in school with classmates who won't take "no one" as an answer to who you have a crush on or an adult whose coworkers have picked up on the fact that you've never mentioned a romantic partner; after enough time, a lack or insufficient amount of romantic interest will raise the antennae of friends, family, coworkers, etc... They will notice and they will speculate and they will ask.

It is impossible to meet the societal bar for straightness through inaction.

I do find myself wishing tumblr had more in the way of a 30+ aro community. When I scroll through the aromantic tag, I'm often struck by the fact that a majority of posts are from people distinctly younger than I am.

And to be clear, that's not inherently a bad thing. It's not that I want to hear less from aros in their teens or twenties, it's just that I want to also hear more from aros in my age range and especially from aros older than me.

Realising I was aro 10+ years ago unraveled a lot of what I had just always assumed about my future. And there was a real lack of models for what life without a Traditional Romantic Relationship could look like around me to help me re-envision my future. And honestly that's something I still struggle with. Which is a big part of why I want to see more from aros older than me, as well as be that for aros younger than me. But at present, it's all a bit isolating.

There are aspects of aromanticism that we share across ages groups, but at the same time, the day-to-day realities of being aro at 18 vs 35 vs 70 are very different. And I think it would benefit the entire community to see all of those realities represented.

I do sometimes feel a bit between worlds in aro spaces as someone who is both aro & ace, but views them as entirely distinct identities.

Over the years, there's been a shift from "aro ace" (with a space) to "aroace" (no space) in popular usage. And I get that for a lot of people, it is a single entity. And even absent that, that it's a bit silly to quibble over a space. But for me personally, it feels as nonsensical to combine into one as, say, my height and my religion. Both true, sure, but way out of left field.

And of the two, my aromanticism is vastly more important to me than my asexuality. My being ace is a footnote vs my being aro is a multi-volume saga. And given that, I get the frustration from alloaros or non-SAM aros about the conflation of the two. Aro and ace represent a single identity for some, but in the broad scheme, they are distinct.

But I feel like an intruder weighing into those conversations, because I am the guy that's both. I don't know what it's like to be alloaro or non-SAM aro and have that be erased or demonized. But on the other hand, I'm aro first and ace like....eighth, so I often feel myself relating more to the thoughts/experiences of non-ace aros than my fellow aro aces.

So I end up in this sort of counterintuitive venn diagram scenario, wherein I am in the middle, yet somehow feeling more alone for it. And I just never know how to talk about that without feeling like simultaneously I'm overstepping non-ace aros and accidentally snubbing aroaces.

Even after 10 years of knowing, I still struggle quite a bit with being aro. I see posts on here from other people who love being aro and I know I'm still a long ways out from that. Sometimes I think that if I could wave a magic wand to make me alloro, I would.

But the more time passes, the more I recognize that if I hadn't been aro, I wouldn't be me. Yes, it's an identity defined by absence, but that absence has shaped me profoundly. My experiences being aro and being part of this community have shaped my thoughts on some of the obvious things, like sex, relationships, love, and community. But also on healthcare, housing, disability, gender, religion, income inequality, death, and on and on.

It has had a ripple effect into so many other things in my life, and I wouldn't want to lose those perspectives I've gained in the last decade. To take out my aromanticism, you'd have to unmold so much other stuff that I want to keep. And so maybe that means if I could wave a magic wand to make me alloro, I'd have to say no. And maybe that's not loving being aro, but maybe it's a stepping stone.

I wish I could hold myself up as an example of how aro adulthood isn't lonely, but sometimes it really is staring at a blank emergency contact form and not knowing who you could ask.

Loneliness is an emotion but often it's in the logistics that it hits me the hardest.

When I walk into a store mid-February and am met with displays of roses and chocolate-covered strawberries, I don't begrudge the people who buy them; it's not about the individuals, it's about the infrastructure.

I walk into that store and it's a physical manifestation of a society that's not structured for me. A day dedicated to emotions I don't experience and the fallout thereof. It's not just in the missing out, but in the practicalities.

A heart-shaped box of chocolates doesn't bother me because I've never been kissed. It's because what housing can I afford on a single income? And who is there to tell about my burial preferences? And with whom can I discuss my health?

I do not and never will have The Person expected to fulfill these roles. And it hurts in a way that is sharp and emotional, but also in a way that is cold and logical, each radiating into the other.

I see a dozen roses and I see that at end of the day, my friend can put her husband as her emergency contact without a second thought, while I'm left staring at an empty form.