‘by talos this can’t be happening’? no, friend. through talos all things are possible. have faith.

self-care phrases to boost your confidence

I beg my kidnappers for a phone, swearing not to make any calls or texts, and they stare over my shoulder, holding a gun to my head as I use my newly-freed hand to post, "So do like, dudes just buy ropes and baklavas from the same store or what lmfao like a specialty Crime Store"

One of the kidnappers says "balaclavas" but it's muffled under the fabric. I ask them to repeat and they do, their voice raspy from disuse. "You wrote baklava, that's a pastry." The other kidnapper goes "stfu" and then after a pause goes "Why would you buy from a crime store"

Then they spit roast me

I didn't wanna say this but now that someone's left this kind of comment I have to be honest: Everyone else's tags are funny but this is the only person who understood my vision for this scenario

Original art by @birdpaladin , thank you for letting me make a stamp out of your work!

I made some slip ups on the lining but I'm happy with the result

WHOAAA THIS IS SO CUTE OMG

why was I so full of hate and malice 17 hours ago

I think I just hate the phrase golden retriever boyfriend

Accidentally called dumplings "Peking ravioli" in front of my New Jersey coworkers and I had to frantically explain that this wasn't some insane form of esoteric Italo-Chinese racism, that's just what they're called in Boston. Had to take a picture of a menu to prove it.

Once again the québécois are on the cutting edge of innovative forms of baffling xenophobia

KILL DIE THE VIOLENCE GUY

thats one greedy worm

losing it bc Saga went to get us lunch and tried to type “you got sprite, boss” and sent this instead. you got a spore. Bitch

I've literally never been kissed this much it is frying my brain

i hope a ceiling fan fall on yall

we were at the beach on a towel so...

So watch out

knuckle tattoos that say OKAY YAY❤️