A Whole Gremlin

remember when it was fun

it will be fun again

she let me hit because i’m- [i remember she didn’t actually let me hit] [i remember she never really existed] [i remember the accident] oh my god the accident…

this feels derivative of a beany tuesday comic but i felt it was the best way to convey this phenomenon

i am a tragedy enjoyer before i am human

also, its sister tweet:

How could you forget:

Had to add this gem

Pouring one out for Poison Junior.

collapses in your arms princess style after casting the biggest evil most fucked up spell you've literally every seen

This is your captain speaking and yeah we’re not landing. I just feel like we’ve got a really good thing up here and I don’t want to ruin it. This is my home and you are my people

We never have to go back

highly recommend keeping a small portrait of a historical figure who met a grisly end on your work desk. for perspective.

me: oh thomas cromwell, we're really in it now. every day i get emails.

the postcard of thomas cromwell i keep on my desk: i was on committees with the duke of norfolk. and they beheaded me.

me: yep. good point.

me: cromwell. cromwell this post has got too big and famous and people are starting to misunderstand me on it.

the postcard of thomas cromwell i keep on my desk: oh no! you achieved too much fame and status? and now people are misrepresenting you? should we strip your lands and title? have you been beheaded?

me: YES ALRIGHT FINE

"Rationalism" is up there with "Objectivism" in terms of "definitionally funny things to call your own belief system".

"Yeah man I've been doing some thinking and philosophy and I've come up with a framework called Being Right"

commuting to the bit. yeah ill be there in about 40 minutes just keep stalling

Not enough people talking about tzatziki

Customer started yelling at me because I was 1 minute late to open the shop so I banned him from shopping with us and locked the door on him. Play stupid games.

This man had the audacity to come back at the end of the day as I was closing up by the fucking way. Ranting and raving about how he had been mistreated and that no one had even bothered to reply to his complaint email all day

Well I had the UNBRIDLED joy of informing him that not only had I seen his email, which was insanely abusive towards me for the crime of being 1 minute late and not putting up with his shit first thing in the morning, but that I was also the manager who he demanded to speak to, and I’d now also had our IT team block his IP address from being able to contact us or order with us ever again.

I should’ve been allowed to castrate the man but this will have to do

Okay this got way more notes than I was expecting so I feel like I should add some important context here. I’m not management. I’m not even middle management I’m just some guy that works here. I don’t have the authority to do any of this I just like lying to customers

university professors love to create the most fucked up pdf ever known to mankind. it's enrichment for them.

what HAPPENED here

I am right about things you have never even heard of.

His yucky face is my favourite thing ever