decolonizing and replanting

Hey Americans, if you have a state Supreme Court vote coming up, vote in it. A Supreme Court can make or break a state, especially in this current political climate, and we actually have control over who gets into our state courts.

Wisconsites, we have a Supreme Court vote coming up in April and if you don't vote in it, I'm going to cut a hole into all your window screens, right on the very edge so it's in a place where you can't just patch it but it's too big to just ignore. Enjoy your box elder bugs and grass spiders 🔫

The Wisconsin Supreme Court election is on April 1st. That means that it's happening this Tuesday. Wisconsites, for the love of god, if you haven't cast your vote already, go out and vote.

I'll believe that governments want to "empower disabled people to achieve employment" when they actually:

Until then, nuh-uh. Fuck off. You're not "empowering" us. You're just pushing us further out onto a perilous ledge because you think you can use inspirational supercrip narratives to force us to perform or die.

"we shouldn't fight to improve [small thing] because it's just a symptom of [big thing]" okay well big thing is too big to fall on it's own, so I'm gonna start by fighting to improve small thing, and once enough small things have fallen that people have the time and energy and bandwidth to fight then we can fight big thing, because until then all of the small things are weighing every potential fighter down to the point that they can't get out of fucking bed, let alone fight big thing.

And this isn't even getting into the fact that many of the big chances require suitably big chances in our ways of thinking. Part of living under a forceful, capitalist system is that it makes you think and act in capitalist ways, even if you may otherwise hold anticapitalist beliefs. They're ingrained in you, the same way they're ingrained in all of us, and that makes fighting the big thing really fucking difficult because you're liable to self-sabotage or get into infighting without realizing. Or even fail to institute meaningful change after taking down the big thing. You have to start small. Both for simple matters of time and energy, and also because you need the small things to help reshape the way we see the world. To help educate others, to help spread information, to help foster and grow resources amongst our communities. To then help enact small but meaningful systemic change to build the ladder for the really big changes.

And, starting small looks different for everyone. For those who have well established support systems and self care routines, maybe starting small means organizing a pressure campaign directed at local government officials, planning a neighborhood cleanup, or organizing a meal train for someone in your network who's struggling.

For those who don't have the community but do have their basic needs met, starting small probably means going to gatherings about issues important to you, attending public volunteer events others have organized, and otherwise trying to establish your support/resistance network.

And if you don't have your basic needs met... your version of "starting small" means taking care of yourself. Make manageable changes to your environments and practices to make it easier for you to take care of yourself. Schedule a doctor's appointment you've been putting off. Research something you need help with to figure out if there's resources you can access. Drink a glass of water and eat something if you haven't in a while.

there was a great study a few years that went into the whole "ppl online are bigger jerks than irl cuz theres a virtual wall and no repercussions" and the researchers were expecting to see that be the case but it turns out that people who were really angry or argumentative online were also found to just be assholes in person and people who were pretty patient and nice online were found to be patient and nice in real person as well

and it just debunked that whole cynical idea that people will naturally be mean if theres no punishment for it

source another source

the researchers found that being online didnt make people more hostile, but that being online allowed already hostile people to dominate forum conversations, and the less aggressive people were much less likely to reply or engage, ending in just the aggressive people bickering at eachother

This weekend I was told a story which, although I’m kind of ashamed to admit it, because holy shit is it ever obvious, is kind of blowing my mind.

A friend of a friend won a free consultation with Clinton Kelly of What Not To Wear, and she was very excited, because she has a plus-size body, and wanted some tips on how to make the most of her wardrobe in a fashion culture which deliberately puts her body at a disadvantage.

Her first question for him was this: how do celebrities make a plain white t-shirt and a pair of weekend jeans look chic?  She always assumed it was because so many celebrities have, by nature or by design, very slender frames, and because they can afford very expensive clothing.  But when she watched What Not To Wear, she noticed that women of all sizes ended up in cute clothes that really fit their bodies and looked great.  She had tried to apply some guidelines from the show into her own wardrobe, but with only mixed success.  So - what gives?

His answer was that everything you will ever see on a celebrity’s body, including their outfits when they’re out and about and they just get caught by a paparazzo, has been tailored, and the same goes for everything on What Not To Wear.  Jeans, blazers, dresses - everything right down to plain t-shirts and camisoles.  He pointed out that historically, up until the last few generations, the vast majority of people either made their own clothing or had their clothing made by tailors and seamstresses.  You had your clothing made to accommodate the measurements of your individual body, and then you moved the fuck on.  Nothing on the show or in People magazine is off the rack and unaltered.  He said that what they do is ignore the actual size numbers on the tags, find something that fits an individual’s widest place, and then have it completely altered to fit.  That’s how celebrities have jeans that magically fit them all over, and the rest of us chumps can’t ever find a pair that doesn’t gape here or ride up or slouch down or have about four yards of extra fabric here and there.

I knew that having dresses and blazers altered was probably something they were doing, but to me, having alterations done generally means having my jeans hemmed and then simply living with the fact that I will always be adjusting my clothing while I’m wearing it because I have curves from here to ya-ya, some things don’t fit right, and the world is just unfair that way.  I didn’t think that having everything tailored was something that people did. 

It’s so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t know this.  But no one ever told me.  I was told about bikini season and dieting and targeting your “problem areas” and avoiding horizontal stripes.  No one told me that Jennifer Aniston is out there wearing a bigger size of Ralph Lauren t-shirt and having it altered to fit her.

I sat there after I was told this story, and I really thought about how hard I have worked not to care about the number or the letter on the tag of my clothes, how hard I have tried to just love my body the way it is, and where I’ve succeeded and failed.  I thought about all the times I’ve stood in a fitting room and stared up at the lights and bit my lip so hard it bled, just to keep myself from crying about how nothing fits the way it’s supposed to.  No one told me that it wasn’t supposed to.  I guess I just didn’t know.  I was too busy thinking that I was the one that didn’t fit.

I thought about that, and about all the other girls and women out there whose proportions are “wrong,” who can’t find a good pair of work trousers, who can’t fill a sweater, who feel excluded and freakish and sad and frustrated because they have to go up a size, when really the size doesn’t mean anything and it never, ever did, and this is just another bullshit thing thrown in your path to make you feel shitty about yourself.

I thought about all of that, and then I thought that in elementary school, there should be a class for girls where they sit you down and tell you this stuff before you waste years of your life feeling like someone put you together wrong.

So, I have to take that and sit with it for a while.  But in the meantime, I thought perhaps I should post this, because maybe my friend, her friend, and I are the only clueless people who did not realise this, but maybe we’re not.  Maybe some of you have tried to embrace the arbitrary size you are, but still couldn’t find a cute pair of jeans, and didn’t know why.

This post is one of those things that I will reblog every time it appears on my dash.  This is so important, and no one ever tells you about it.

I almost didn’t read this but then I did and I’m really glad that I did.

Super important

Tldr: The reason clothes never “looked right on you” is because models and celebrities always had their clothes tailored to fit them perfectly.

I love this post but it always frustrated me just a little because I can’t even afford to buy new clothes let alone get the clothes I have tailored. But then I remembered that a lot of things are easier to do than you think they will be, so here’s some resources on how to alter your own clothes!

Please read this, it’s an opportunity to learn about yourself, possibly a new skill and why it isn’t you, it’s the industry.

people laugh at me for always asking a baby's permission before picking them up but let me tell you when my nephew was seven months old I picked him up off the floor without checking first and he was absolutely outraged and reproached me with terrible wails. just because a person is very small doesn't mean it's not scary and upsetting to be scooped up out of nowhere by a much larger person. quite the contrary. obviously if a baby is in danger or the situation is otherwise pressing you can temporarily suspend the rules of polite behavior and just grab them up, much like you are allowed to violently shove a grownup if a speeding car is bearing down on them. but that doesn't mean you just go around shoving people as a matter of routine. show some consideration to our latest arrivals on this horrible planet. they are better at communicating than you think

I asked my doppleganger's toddler if I could pick her up once and she loudly said NO for all and sundry to hear and while that got some laughs, I then told her that she can't go into the (restaurant's) kitchen because people move quickly with hot and sharp things and she could get hurt. And that if she went into the kitchen anyway Id have to pick her up to get her out.

And you know what? We stood at the doorway of the kitchen where we were out of the way and she could watch and she didn't go in the kitchen. And then she asked to be picked up so she could see better by making grabby hands at me. She knew how to say maybe six words total at the time but she understood me.

i don't remember whose story this is, but someone was visiting a mother and her baby. the mom was holding the baby, and the visitor asked "can i hold the baby?" and the mom says, "ask him," referring to the baby. when the visitor reached their arms out to the baby, the baby leans away, back into the mom's body - a clear no. later in the visit, the visitor tries again, and the baby eagerly reaches forward for them with their own arms held outstretched.

even without words, body language can give you a lot of information about other beings' desires!

this is applicable with animals, too. when my cat approaches me and yells, i ask her "food? play? treat?" - all words i've taught her to recognize - until she chirps to tell me what she's asking for. or at least, what she'll settle for if i haven't named exactly what she wants, lol. and there's a face she makes that i know when i see it means that she wants me to give her a head massage. <3

Please remember that almost everyone around you is traumatized. I didn’t understand this when I was younger. I wondered why people acted so strangely and irrationally. Maybe all children wonder this. The author Robert Anton Wilson said (paraphrasing), “We have never seen a completely sane adult human.” No one makes it out of this life alive. It’s not their fault. Mercy, kindness, forgiving — these are what makes one human. They are other names for love. People break in the strangest of ways.

“Under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. we have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief. we have never seen a totally sane human being." — Robert Anton Wilson

Why We Don’t Equate “Narcissistic” With “Abusive”

Our blog does not support using stigmatizing language like “narcissistic” because we want to maintain a safe environment for all survivors, including those with personality disorders. 

We do understand that a lot of people are not aware of the harmfulness of using  “narcissistic” to describe abuse and that is why we are writing this post. We believe that offering insight into the matter is important. 

“Narcissistic” is an example of a term that people use to be synonymous with “abusive.” It is important to refrain from armchair diagnosing people. 

It’s important to note that personality disorders, (including narcissistic personality disorder) do not make someone inherently abusive. Using terms like narcissistic to describe abuse is ableist. 

Narcissism as a concept existed before the diagnosis of NPD existed, however, it’s become hard to separate. When someone uses the term “narcissist” to equate it to being a “bad person” this will lump in everyone who has NPD. 

In a lot of cases, those with personality disorders have been abused themselves and are in need of support and feel they cannot get it in a lot of places due to the stigma surrounding their personality disorder. 

It’s important to be clear that the abuse you went through is valid! However, instead of saying “narcissistic,” try to use other negative terms in place that will reduce stigma and harm. Some terms may include: manipulative, selfish, or conceited. 

Further, using the word, “narcissist” to describe someone due to their abusive behaviour is similar to saying someone is “so ocd” when you don’t know their diagnosis and are equating behaviour to a disorder.

Please only use “narcissist” to refer to someone with NPD and when doing that, don’t use it as an insulting term. 

Hope it’s okay if I add OP, terms such as sociopath and psychopath are harmful as well since they’re often used to describe and/or armchair diagnose people with ASPD (antisocial personality disorder).

Do not demonize personality disorders.

Thank you for adding that!

Reblogging for that add on.

[ID text–

Tweet from Dr. Jen Wolkin @‌drjenwolkin posted on Twitter 7:59PM UTC 22 February 2024:

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The tweet is linked here:

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[Plain text version of the text in the image:

Reminder from a neuropsychologist. When you're down about the fact that Trauma Changes The Brain I want you to remember:

[all caps] So. Does. Healing.

So. Does. Healing.

So. Does. Healing. [end all caps] End plain text.]

beaming a message into the minds of all autistic 12 year olds: the way people treat each other in th shows is actually really really mean in real life. don't do that. literally anything but that. Thank you

learning to steal is genuinely a vital life skill even if you rarely use it. you have to reprogram your relationship with the concept of owned resources by just taking something and walking off with it at least once. think of it like an inoculation. you just need to know you can do that so that your compass for navigating material resource negotiations has a north.

"a good negotiator is always ready to walk away from the table" yes and a great negotiator is always ready to just grab the shit and go

Trans rights are human rights - a self indulgent essay.

[IDs: Each image is an artwork depicting a light-skinned, slim person with short brown hair.

1: Text says, "Oh, how I love my scars / How I love them dearly". The character is shirtless; they touch their top surgery scars with a tender facial expression. Sketched leaves and flowers bloom from the top surgery scars, and from a diagram of their heart on their chest. Their top surgery scars are glowing. End description 1.

2. Text says, "I never thought holding her could be more of a wonder". The main character embraces a straight size person with pale skin and long brown hair who is topless except for a bra. You can only see the back of the person they embrace, but the main character is blushing and looks endeared. Blooming plant stems sprout from between the two characters. End description 2.

3. Text says, "I lay down and I [underlined] truly rest [end underlines] - knowing I'll wake up in this body - I truly rest". The main character is depicted in the fetal position with their feet in between "truly rest" and "knowing I'll wake up." They only wear socks and shorts, and more flowering plants bloom from their top surgery scar. The plants stretching to the top of the image; towards the top of the image, leaves and flowers float into the air, away from the stems. The character has a bandaid on their knee, their elbow and their finger. They smile in their sleep. End description 3.

4. The character lays on a flat surface on their stomach. A blanket is partially scrunched under them as a pillow and partially draped across their back. One of their eyes is open, and they're grimacing. Dropped leaves and flowers surround them. Text says, "But as I embrace my bliss, sometimes I end up thinking: 'Do I even deserve this?'" End description four.

5. The character wears a t-shirt, shorts and socks. They sit on the ground with their back to the viewer. They clutch a blooming plant in their hand, which appears to be growing from their chest. Text says, "But I do. This is me being happy, living life fully. Why the hell should I not deserve this?" The orange and yellow background of the artwork makes the whole image look like it's glowing in the sun. End description five.

6. The character looks earnest, tired and sad. Leaves and flowers radiate from their chest. They wear a hoodie and a t-shirt. You can only see the upper half of their body, but behind them you can see several people standing, wearing different clothing styles and different hairstyles. Everyone behind them has flowers and leaves sprouting from their chests, too, each in different colors. The trans pride flag colors are painted across the image in a gradient. Text says, "In fact, it's a human right." End description six.

End image descriptions.]

please think about male pregnancy outside of a meme context at least sometimes. idc if you say "I'm gonna get him pregnant" or things like that but male pregnancy is going to become an increasingly serious issue for us trans men/mascs

just. acknowledge that there are men irl who can get pregnant, not always by choice, and how that effects us. because we're going to need it. we already need it

my first roommate in college at one point had the epiphany that "male pregnancy finally makes sense," and it was because she had read her first omegaverse fanfiction. 😐

like, please spare more of a thought for diverse reproductive rights than what you're putting your blorbos through.

I think a big reason why "children are an oppressed group" gets (wrongly!) read as a "pedophile talking point" is that everyone treats children so terribly that actual child molesters can speedrun winning a kid's trust by like, actually respecting their needs and perspective, at least at first. Which means that the only way out of this mess is for all of us adults to treat children with respect, so that abusers can't use the rareness of that respect as a weapon.

Yeah I've been thinking a lot about how cults will prey on marginalized people and how it's so much easier to push an "us versus them" mentality on a person who already (legitimately, accurately) perceives the world as hostile to them

It Could Happen Here - The Tiktok Zoomer Bin Laden Episode also recently talked about how growing up hearing only propaganda about your country/minority-group/religion/etc can make you more vulnerable to misinformation by cults and conspiracy theories because all the conspiracy theories or cult leader needs to do is accurately debunk a few aspects of the propaganda you grew up with, and suddenly they become the 'truth speakers' who helped you realize that you were being lied to, and once you see someone as the 'truth speaker' who opened your eyes, you're likely to continue to believe them and to see people who oppose them as the liars trying to keep you from learning more of the truth.

Also important to note that it isn’t just individuals who groom others: communities will collaboratively groom themselves. Why? To create a stable in-group identity that makes them feel safe.

Questioning any aspect of a group’s beliefs is seen as an attack on the group. The group may genuinely provide love and support for lonely individuals—but when the group is organised around beliefs that can’t be publicly doubted or questioned, it will use the threat of exclusion to police and punish dissent.

When you’re lonely and in pain, when all your support comes from one group—you are vulnerable to being controlled. Because it hurts to be alone. And the people most invested in that group will punish you for dissent, because questioning the group threatens it, and they don’t want to feel alone either.

"you're so strong" "you're so resilient" "you're so brave" what if I don't want to be? what if I want to break down and cry? why do I have to be strong?

it's really sinister to me the way people will try to compliment you for these things. like saying "oh you're so good at continuing to be alive despite experiencing grievous harm and trauma!" it's condescending. it others the person who had no other choice but to keep going. i can't tell you how many times i've heard this from people who had the power to make that person's circumstances better, too.

Even if you don’t like kids, don’t want kids, and will never have them, you as an adult member of a semi-functioning society should want kids to be safe from harm in general. that was you once