"I'm sorry I don't seem to be the person you're looking for."
"No yeah I.. I'll keep looking. Thank you."
i have a lot of things to say about realms pangi tonight (as usual) but i'll try to keep it concise. on his grief, on his coping mechanisms, and on his healing.
pangi has already grieved pili. he's disguised it under layers of vengeful plans and cartoon-villain monologues, but he's already arrived at the final stage of grief, and all he needed was the confirmation that this pili isn't his. isn't theirs. he's come to terms with the fact that he's gone.
i want to say that he's healing, but that's not entirely true yet. there will be a period where pangi denies in that way of his--not by believing that New Pili is Old Pili, but by immediately trying to move forward. quite literally by erasing the physical remanents of their friendship, and getting ros to fill-in the book in his place. he's trying to cover the open wound by painting it before it can get the chance to close. that isn't healthy! it's going to fall apart one way or another, and he's going to have to approach it again, but more gently. he has to come to terms with the fact that pili can be a memory, even if another version of him is living and breathing. pangi has to accept that no matter how angry he is at how it all ended, how shitty pili was to him, he can still miss him. he can hold onto the memories he has of him and let ros in at the same time.
pangi, as a character, is unable to linger. he feels the need to jump from thing to thing, never giving himself the proper time to sit and process. when his worst fear is proven, when he is shown that he isn't wanted or needed somewhere--he shuts down the part of himself that was trying to be wanted and needed. his way of 'staying on top of it all' is just adding another layer. he buries it under something new, and tries to forget about it and barrel onto the next thing. it never works.
as he said, he'll keep looking. instead of accepting that the spot he's carved out for pili has gone empty, he immediately tries to find someone to fill it. he hasn't entirely accepted that nobody fits that shape, and that ros cannot fill that spot. he does not believe in coexistence. i don't think this means he's stuck in an endless cycle of trying to find something to latch onto, though. i think pangi has people who will help pull him out of this loop, and i think today he took the first steps to slow it all down.
by letting go of that residual anger surrounding his death, by accepting ros' friendship and letting himself be honest with her, by teaming up with aimsey, by getting closer with hannah and bad, by letting himself admit that pili is truly gone-- he's healing. slowly and messily, as a griever does. he's getting there. he'll never be how he once was, or look at a cornflower the same way, but he's taking the initiative to be happy again. a stranger will continue to walk the realm with the body of someone he gave everything to, someone he loved, and it will hurt. but he has people who love him just as much as he aches, and eventually that will dilute the hurt. i think it already has.
