Lurkin Hurkle Durklin

one thing about americans is that they know how to make a fucking milkshake

i hate the stupid milk consistency shit you get here like if you give me a milkshake it better be rock fucking solid. i want that thang thick like concrete. it should piss me off trying to drink it through a straw. i should have to wait for it to thaw

Americans are so good at making Beverage. One of our Foundational Moments was actually a party involving Making Beverage. Google "Boston Tea Party" for more

If I were a security guard for a person who’s being targeted by assassins I simply wouldn’t devote my entire attention span to every single noise I hear.

Why do I care if there’s a random noise in this out-of-the-way dark corner? My post is right here.

But… but I threw a rock there. Y-you gotta check

If I hear a noise I’m gonna throw a flash grenade in that direction.

MY EYES AND EARS

“Got a neutralized assassin in gate 17.”

“Did they try distracting you by throwing a rock?”

“Yeah, they did.”

“Fucking idiot.”

4 years of community assassin college for nothing

You know what really makes this post? The fact that the assassin’s blog is deactivated. Seems OPs flashbang worked.

What have I done?!

A bread is one of the most vulnerable animals on earth of all time. It can die in a number of different ways, which include being smashed, being old, being rottened, being crumpled up, getting too hot, having water put on it, and having water not on it but being in the air a lot (the water (mist)). The bread’s favorite way to die is being eaten, but the world is a complicated place, and it does not care for what the bread wants, and so it dies in a variety of ways which are not the preference of the bread.

Humans are considered the bread’s natural predator, and also, are the bread’s mommy (make/give birth to the bread). Humans are a large species of ant or plant or ele phant with two grasping appendages which they use to give birth to the bread. They also have one hole which eats the bread, and some other holes, which the bread is not allowed near, generally.

Some bread can go in the fridge. Some bread has fruit in it. Scientists don’t know why, as putting fruit in the bread is considered yucky, and scientists have difficulty imagining an organism that likes yucky things.

There is the anteater, which is an organism that likes yucky things, but scientists do not need to imagine it, because it is real.

i think im getting better! :) [another event occurs]

some…interesting conversations I probably won’t forget for the rest of my life

also best advice from commander shepard everyone 

I am a 27 year old electrical engineer who works in a little secret lab in the middle of buttfuck Egypt. For one two month period, the office supply order changed from normal erasers to these, and I will not lie - every time I thought I was alone, I would sneak one out of my desk and eat it. They looked delicious. Tasted mid, but the appearance was so stunning that my brain just kept thinking, surely, the rest were a fluke, but THIS TIME it will taste like fruit and sugar.

Anyway, eventually the order stopped, and I was very worried that somehow, they’d found out that I was eating their erasers. So I kind of casually brought it up to my manager that I was sad that they swapped the erasers out, and he was like “yeah, but I kept eating them so they couldn’t stay.”

trying to explain to tumblr that the Middle Class in not their enemy

saw someone say that someone complaining about only having 7k in savings makes them contemplate “doing something bad”

you know that 7k covers like. one hospital visit WITH insurance, right?

“people who make six figures shouldn’t be allowed to complain —“ most people who make six figures are, these days, solidly middle class. where i live, a combined household income of $110k is *lower middle class*.

“people who can afford homes —“ are typically 400-600k in debt for them. also if “can own your own home” is your threshold for the rich you are contemplating eating, i think you are genuinely stupid

“boohoo your investments dropped, stop complaining rich boy” idk how to tell you this but. most of us have a retirement account. you should probably open one

My car is getting serviced and this auto shop has a shop dog and he's ridiculous. Look at this guy. This is a grown ass man.

I'm Diné (Navajo) and in high school I was put in some kind of group for native kids. It was run by a white woman who told us that if we were ever in class and feeling overwhelmed, we had permission to just up and leave class to go wander around outside and reconnect with nature. We all took advantage of this regularly

the implication she thought you were like, forest fairies that had to periodically connect with nature to regain your strength is the most racist but also kinda funny thing I ever heard

Why would you leave this absolute gem in the tags

i go to bars and coffee shops and breweries and libraries and thrift stores all the time by myself and i have a chill banger time i love my own company. so why is the grocery store a warzone. im fighting for my life. barely make it out alive. if someone even looks at me i want to blow them up with my mind

the clips i saw last night are already removed from tiktok (lol) but here's the one i was talking abt. where elon is 1) listening to grimes while 2) dying on a tutorial of a game while 3) he's trying to prove he's a Gamer and 4) everyone in chat is bullying him lmao edit: some of my fav comments

me, every single time i see people (especially women) talking about the divine feminine energy, or the sacredness of the womb or whatever it is now:

[image description: a two-panel photo of a person dialling a number and then placing the phone to their ear. the contact is saved as ‘Ursula K. Le Guin’ /end ID]

context is this quote by her:

What if you went grocery shopping and the produce section was just missing?

Cuz my local Food Lion hid the produce section from me

Bethesda ass grocery store 😡😡😡