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It must be Thursday

@dharmaavocado / dharmaavocado.tumblr.com

I never could get the hang of Thursdays
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WIP Wednesday

Tagged earlier by @thegingerparty and today by @geddyqueer. Have some more vegas fic.

“You gave him your room key?” Tommy hissed at Eddie.

“It’s Buck,” Eddie hissed back.  “I didn’t give it to him.  He just has it.”

“I have all the spare room keys,” Buck said, cheerful and unsuspecting because he trusted them.  Tommy really wished the hangover had taken him.  “Just in case you lose yours.  Again.”

“That happened one time,” Eddie protested, trying to throw up his hands before realizing his arms were the only thing keeping him up.  “Are you ever going to let that go?”

“You slept in the hall,” Evan said with his special brand of judgment, which was fifty percent more condescending than everyone else’s.  Tommy wasn’t the only bitch in their relationship.

“Only for like an hour,” said Eddie.

“That’s not the ironclad defense you think it is,” Howie said.  “Is that coffee?”

Evan turned the tray so Howie could grab his preferred monstrosity—Howie viewed coffee as a Splenda delivery system—before setting Tommy’s right next to his hand.  “Don’t worry, it’s just got a little cream in it,” Evan said, smile gone sly.  “I know how you take it.”

Tommy’s sweet tooth was no secret, but he preferred his coffee to taste like actual coffee.  “You do, sweetheart.”  He dodged the kiss Evan aimed for his mouth and ignored the ensuing pout.  “You do not want any of this.  I’m pretty sure my tongued died at some point.”

“Then it’s a good thing I planned ahead.”  No one in the entirety of human history had ever been as pleased with themselves as Evan was as he pulled out Tommy’s toothbrush in its traveling case and their small shared tube of toothpaste.  “And I brought a change of clothes since you definitely slept in those.”

“I really fucking love you,” Tommy said, sure down to his very marrow.

“You’re so easy.”  Evan beamed and held out a hand.  “You think you can stand?”

“No,” he said, and let Evan do most of the work hauling him to his feet.  “I’d be more impressed if I didn’t know what you bench.”

“Gotta keep these gains so I can throw you around.”

“We’re in the room, Buck,” Howie complained.

“You’ve heard me say way worse,” Evan said cheerfully, darting in to press a quick kiss to his cheek.  “You weren’t kidding about your tongue dying.”

tagging @bluemaskedkarma, @norcumii, @cecilyv, @liminalmemories21, @rcmclachlan

#wip wednesday#with any luck this baby will be edited and ready to go this weekend#that is if my job doesn't drive me to kill first
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Reblogged
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wip wednesday wednesday

finally remembered how to write! wahoo! thanks @screamlet for the tag; passing this on to @dharmaavocado @setmeatopthepyre @liminalmemories21 @alchemistc @beanarie @rcmclachlan and anyone else who wants to play. here's some more of my 8x11 fix it wip, no crying in baseball:

"Damn, Kinard," Donato says as he rolls into work the next morning. "You lose a fight?"

After a couple tylenol and a cold shower his face doesn't feel that bad, but he was right—black eye, bruise smearing over the bridge of his nose, and a rough night of sleep because he kept rolling over onto the wrong side. "I'm fine," he says. "I got hit in the face by a softball thrown by a thirteen year old."

She winces. "I thought you were doing better after the breakup, you know? Not—not going out and getting in bar fights, or whatever."

"I didn't get in a bar fight. I got hit in the face by a softball thrown by a thirteen year old," he says, as if that's somehow better.

As if on cue Richardson pokes his head in through the door. "Kinard, there's a woman out here who wants to apologize for her daughter hitting you in the face with a—Jesus! You get in a bar fight?"

#i have never wanted anything as much#as i want tommy coaching a middle school girl softball team#this giant man surrounded by 12 yo girls who are ready to throw down#i want those girls tobsurround buck like a pack of lionesses on a hunt and he's the gazelle#every grown man should be mildly bullied by preteen girls#other people's writing
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Despite My Efforts Even My Prayers Have Turned into Threats

Holy father I can’t pretend I’m not afraid to see you again but I’ll say that when the time comes I believe my courage will expand like a sponge cowboy in water. My earth- father was far braver than me —  coming to America he knew no English save Rolling Stones lyrics and how to say thanks God. Will his goodness roll over to my tab and if yes, how soon? I’m sorry for neglecting your myriad signs, which seem obvious now as a hawk’s head on an empty plate. I keep waking up at the bottom of swimming pools, the water reflecting whatever I miss most: whiskey- glass, pill bottles, my mother’s oleander, which was sweet and evergreen but toxic in all its parts. I know it was silly to keep what I kept from you; you’ve always been so charmed by my weaknesses. I just figured you were becoming fed up with all your making, like a virtuoso trying not to smash apart her flute onstage. Plus, my sins were practically devotional: two peaches stolen from a bodega, which were so sweet I savored even the bits I flossed out my teeth. I know it’s no excuse, but even thinking about them now I’m drooling. Consider the night I spent reading another man’s lover the Dream Songs in bed — we made it to “a green living / drops limply” before we were tangled into each other, cat still sleeping at our feet. Allow me these treasures, Lord. Time will break what doesn’t bend — even time. Even you.

Kaveh Akbar Pilgrim Bell, 2021

#poetry
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Reblogged
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Between Us And

BETWEEN  US  AND animals is a namelessness. We    flail   around generically       — camelopardalis   is what the Romans came up with for  "giraffe" ( it looked to them  like a camel crossed with a leopard ) or get the category wrong — a musk Ox   isn't  an  ox at  all but more closely  cognate with the   goat  —  and  when choosing   to   name individual animals  we pretend  they   are  objects (Spot) or  virtues  (Beauty) or  just  other selves  (Bob).

Anne Carson Red Doc>, 2014

#poetry
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Reblogged beefcakekinard
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epiphainie asked:

catie i'm kissing your tags on this. especially the part about tommy thinking he's being horrifyingly open https://www.tumblr.com/alchemistc/780001978282541056?source=share

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#complimentary to all of this is something i like to call Scorpio Honesty#when you try to relate to people with open vulnerability but you never do more rhan scratch the surface of an issue#but the moment you admit something you've gotta smooth it over because when you say it out loud it sounds INSANE#it SOUNDS like a trauma dump instead of a Fun Fact#and you gotta walk it back#turn heel and return the conversation to the other person#make a joke about it#deflect into something else#try to make it sexy instead#tommy does that shit over and over and over#its a learned response#because Someone Could Get In Trouble if you tell the whole honest truth#and you don't want to rock the boat#i don't necessarily think tommy has internalized any of that but#when you drop bits and pieces of lore it FEELS like you have overexposed yourself#but the truth is the way he goes about honesty there's an expectation (on his end) that you'll interpret twelve layers if bullshit#in order to understand him#he brushes off jealousy of the 118 and reverts to bucks jealousy#he brushes off daddy issues after admitting he barely speaks ro his father#he brushes off admiration of the 118 being there for each other#he brushes off the jealousy of the anniversary date with a 'youre hot makes sense'#any time he gets CLOSE to vulnerability he opens the door to let out a crumb and then slams and locks the door closed#he wants to be vulnerable but he doesn't know how#he thinks he IS being open when he alludes to things#and sometimes its not even that its painful or scary to open up#sometimes he thinks he's being HORRIFYINGLY open and doesn't realize he's dropping scraps that are impossible to follow to a bigger picture#he hasn't maintained Mystery Man out of any conscious desire to hide himself away#he just feels like he's exposing nerves when all he's really doing is showing a diagram of where they are

Mimi I hit the tag limit on that post and I was SO MAD ABOUT IT.

Gonna AND ANOTHER THING myself right here to add that Scorpio Honesty isn't actively trying to be deceitful or White Lying your way through life.

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"For Buck there's this hurdle where he doesn't know how to get to know Tommy without pushing him away."

And this is such a testament to how badly Buck wants to make this work, in my opinion. Buck who knows he can be too much, who knows he inserts himself in places he's not welcome in, who's taken on roles not asked of him (with Abby after her mom's death and with Taylor about her father) and ended up with a string of failed relationships. There's a level of comfort Tommy had provided him that allowed him to indulge and take his time in their relationship without asking too many questions (about himself or Tommy) but I don't think it was ever disinterest or empty "la la la" on his part as there's also a level of cautiousness with how he approaches Tommy you could see. Him trying to process and resolve the entire Abby debacle on his own without bringing Tommy into it is such a clear cut example, in my opinion. Especially when it also comes with conflicting emotions in himself which could so easily become "Buck making things about himself again" and "Buck being too much as usual" I think there was so much different with Tommy compared to his old relationships, things like him letting himself be taken care of and act freer, but he was still keeping himself small to a degree. This is why I also think he made the decision that he can't call Tommy post-dumpage because asking for Tommy to say more to him would only push Tommy further away (if he could be pushed any further.)

And like you said, I think Tommy was thinking he's been extremely horrifyingly open during that breakup, not realizing he didn't give Buck anything to reflect on other than that while he wanted to be with Buck, Buck would one day fuck it up and break his heart. Even though he had valid reasons in Buck not connecting the dots of Tommy Kinard yet, or seeming not very interested to do, and Buck having another special guy in his life. (I still maintain that Tommy, despite whatever insecurities, is keener and more attuned to Buck to genuinely think Buck wasn't stupid into him. Tommy not trusting Buck when Buck says he wants a future for them to me is another layer of bullshit in what I like to call "Tommy being scared of acknowledging what really scares him, namely committing to something real which would put him in a position where he'd need to be more open with this one person than he's ever been with anyone before")

You know, I rolled my eyes at people saying "Tommy was being vulnerable with saying he drove by Buck's place" because it's just so clearly nothing more than scraps (especially considering how he sidesteps Buck's comment about being dumped and literally swerves the conversation into getting into the territory where they speak about the break up) but maybe Tommy himself was really thinking he was bleeding his heart open there lol.

They have the most incompatible maladaptive behavior. It's delicious.

#this is all very good#and i love this take on tommy#who is barely shares anything but is convinced he's just ripping open his belly#that's truama baby!#i must not project onto tommy (i'm gonna project onto tommy)#other people's meta#911: there's a baby in the wall
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I really like the “I don’t have to sleep with everyone I have feelings for and I don’t have feelings for everyone I sleep with”/”Got it” exchange because it’s so emotionally messy and interesting but also revealing about the characters.

I’ve seen the take in a couple of fics where Buck says that he didn’t mean that about Tommy, and hey we’re all playing with dolls and having fun, but I’m going to disagree.  Buck’s comment was deliberately aimed at Tommy and was meant to hurt him.  Buck was angry that Tommy seemingly spent their entire six month relationship thinking he was competing with Eddie for Buck’s affections, which also calls into doubt all the times that the three of them hung out (see the bad idea birthday party and Masks), and Tommy refusing to believe him when Buck says he has no romantic/sexual feelings for Eddie.  As Buck explained to Maddie, he was angry that Tommy seemed happy that Eddie was gone when Buck himself was struggling with it, and so he lashed out “in the meanest way possible.”

That’s consistent with Buck’s character: he’s got a lot of big feelings and he tends to get defensive when he’s hurt.  What I find interesting is that Tommy is the opposite of that.   When he’s hurt, he shuts down.  Buck’s blow landed just as he meant it to, and instead of snapping back or fighting, Tommy just locks it down, and says, “Got it.”  His parting line of “Evan, thank you for last night.  It was fun,” is passive aggressive, but it’s not blatantly hurtful in the way that Buck’s comment was.

Like I said, I find that really interesting because one of the bits of fanon floating around is that Tommy let slips these little sarcastic barbs when he’s cornered or hurt, but that’s not something we really see in the show.  Don’t get me wrong, Tommy is a bitch (affectionate), but he’s not a bitch in response to being confronted.  He’ll be bitch in stressful situations—see his entire dialogue in the hurricane scene—but he doesn’t do it on purpose to hurt someone.  The closest we come to that is in the first Micelli’s scene with his “ain’t that the truth, Evan,” in response to a comment about closet space.  It’s a petty dig, but when he’s actually cutting the date short, he’s direct and upfront but not mean.  He even calls Buck adorable.  That’s the opposite of a sarcastic bitch.

We see it again in the 8.06 breakup.  His reasons for breaking up with Buck are bullshit, but bullshit rooted in insecurity, but he’s never deliberately mean or unloving.  Or look at his reaction to Gerrard calling him a slur.  He doesn’t lash out, he doesn’t let loose with a sarcastic barb; he withdraws into himself.  Chim steps in because Tommy has shut down.  He doesn’t even raise his voice in the morning after scene; it’s Buck who comes closest to shouting.  This is a man who does not handle confrontation well.

Which is what makes him such a great foil for Buck.  In that moment Buck is amped up.  He is mad.  He is ready for a drag down fight.  He’s expecting one, and he is so thrown when Tommy just refuses to fight him.  He immediately regrets his comment when he realizes that Tommy is taking it at, for lack of a better term, face value.  The consequences for it are immediate, which I think Buck is genuinely surprised by because the other people in his life push back on him.

Compare this to Eddie and Buck’s fight after Buck purposely lets slip that Eddie is leaving the 118 to move back to El Paso.  When Buck tries to protest that he didn’t do it on purpose, Eddie immediately calls Buck out on that lie. Buck is used to people pushing back on him when he goes too far, to being reigned back in.  So I genuinely think he doesn’t know what to do when Tommy refuses to engage.  He’s confused and asks what’s happening, despite it being pretty obvious, and while he pretty much immediate regrets what he said, it doesn’t occur to him to apologize or explain what he meant.

And I genuinely love their completely opposite approaches to conflict because they’re going to have to work at communication.  Buck’s emotions tend to dictate his perceived reality (for the record, this is not a complaint; it’s a great character trait that the show tends to simplify and reduce to childishness) and Tommy just emotionally shuts down and runs at the slightest whiff of conflict, which means getting the two of them are going to have to make an effort to actually sit down and talk through their issues.  And that opens up so many juicy narrative options—I love the trap them in a helicopter and/or collapsed building options—that I do not at all trust the show to actually explore.  But, hey, that’s what fandom is for, and I believe in us to make it messy and painful and amazing.

#just rotating these two constantly in my mind#i'm fascinated by tommy's refusal to fight#i have so many feelings about that and the elaborate backstory i'm constructing in my head right now#i'm normal about this i feel normal how are you#my meta#911: there's a baby in the wall
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one-two-three-four-five tag game

Tagged by @beanarie and @cecilyv. Thank you!

Rules: Give us the links to your fic with the most hits, second most kudos, third most comments, fourth most bookmarks, fifth most words, and fic with the least words (feel free to interpret however you would like; if not on AO3, can be on Tumblr or FFNET!).

I'm leaving out any that are just fic collections and unfinished wips.

Fic with the most hits: Our Bodies Safe to Shore aka the selkie au (star wars: the clone wars, 43,983 hits)

Fic with the second most kudos: Our Bodies Safe to Shore again (3,937 kudos)

Fic with the third most comments: Kind, Sober, and Fully Dressed aka the b99 au (star wars: the clone wars, 128 comments)

Fic with the fourth most bookmarks: Put Color in Your Cheeks (star wars: the clone wars, 703 bookmarks)

Fic with the fifth most words: Like Real People Do (star wars: the clone wars, 20,847 words)

Fic with the least words: Maybe Sprout Wings, a fic I completely forgot I wrote (Shadowhunters (TV), 1,404 words)

tagging: @bluemaskedkarma, @norcumii, @thegingerparty, @liminalmemories21, @leashybebes

#ask meme#hey can you tell what my major fandom was before 911?#can you maybe guess
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Reblogged a-mel0n
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In honor of Buck and Tommy's anniversary here's a (rather random and incomplete) list of fic I read and loved and bookmarked throughout the past year. Happy reading! 🩷💜💙

the air it hurts by Anonymous Rating: G, Words: 7,569 After Tommy gets hurt in a near-fatal accident, he learns that there are some things he doesn't have to be afraid of. And that he no longer has to feel jealous of the family he left before it became one.

Relax and Breathe by @nine-one-wanton Rating: M, Words: 2,213 Tommy teaches Buck some introductory yoga. And Buck can’t stop wondering.. “Are we still talking about yoga?”

i want it all by @firehose118 Rating: M, Words: 964 Tommy kisses Buck and Buck understands why he gets so horny at the gym.

smelling like a bonfire, lost in a haze. by milominderbinder Rating: T, Words: 4,059 Buck meets Tommy Kinard while rescuing him from a car accident. Buck's got no problem with being flirted with on the job, really, it's just — well, it's not usually older men with biceps bigger than his head who are doing the flirting. And he didn't really expect how much he'd like it.

Second Wind by Persiflager Rating: E, Words: 2,210 “I want to blow you,” says Evan, kneeling in between Tommy’s legs. “Knock yourself out,” says Tommy, because he’s generous like that.

i'll make a wish on a star (and i'll wish i was home once again) by @26-cats-in-a-trenchcoat Rating: M, Words: 9,735 tommy and evan have big feelings after jee-yun picks the 1983 best of ernie cassette tape as her bathtime soundtrack when they're babysitting. they figure it out. pinkie promise. or: the best thing the buckley parents ever did was bring maddie's old boombox and tapes with them while visiting california.

they begin by screamlet Rating: M, Words: 12,784 Buck, lost in the bisexual sauce, seeks counsel from his elders: his boyfriend, his co-worker, and her wife. AKA: Buck, Tommy, Hen, and Karen go on a big gay double date.

Hotshots' Number Two Fans by IDontGoHereEither Rating: T, Words: 7,748 Tommy gets sucked into the Hotshots fandom. (It's Karen and Maddie's fault.)

makes me want to pull you closer by @screamlet Rating: M, Words: 2,674 Buck finally takes Tommy up on his offer to fly somewhere sometimes. The trip is shorter than they expected.

Closet Conversations by eyesonstars_feetonground Rating: M, Words: 10,559 After his boyfriend dumps him, Evan Buckley goes on a date, makes a new friend, has some conversations, and realizes he's queer. Tommy haunts him every step of the way.

We shall by morning / Inherit the earth. by Anonymous Rating: T, Words: 4,621 Karen offers Buck a political perspective, looking for a political victory, in the face of everything.

Misperception by @emphasisonthehomo Rating: M, Words: 7,289 There’s a new kid at Harbor. He’s the youngest rookie they’ve ever gotten, one of those guys that went for the academy right out of high school. He’s also gay. Flamboyantly gay. Tommy’s jealous. OR It doesn’t occur to Tommy that he should come out.

Truth or Dare by writerdot Rating: E, Words: 1,114 Buck and Tommy and a kind of new beginning.

These are the days of miracle and wonder by @geddyqueer Rating: M, Words: 4,080 Tommy goes grocery shopping, runs into his ex's sister, gets stuck in the middle of a shelter-in-place order, and delivers a baby. Things only get more awkward from there.

"I'm different, too" by federaldust Rating: E, Words: 5,406 Buck takes Tommy back to his place after Chimney and Maddie's wedding. any part of this series can be read as a standalone.

Won't You Come By and See Me (I'm a Love Letter Away) by @dharmaavocado Rating: T, Words: 42,149 In which Buck's world gets bigger and he tries to be better.

A tunnel to crawl through by @geddyqueer Rating: E, Words: 25,538 Tommy makes a decision. Buck meets him halfway. (TW Suicidal Thoughts, Self Harm)

from the shallows to the deepest end by @gaytommykinard Rating: M, Words: 10,557 Evan Buckley (an ally) signs up on Grindr looking for a fake boyfriend to take as his plus-one to his parents' wedding anniversary. Tommy Kinard (guy who should know better) agrees to be his date.

#thank you for the rec!#all of these fics are so good#other people's writing
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WIP Frinesday

Tagged on Wednesday by the impeccable @rcmclachlan and today by the talent @beanarie, here's some more of the Vegas fic.

Tommy ignored the throbbing in his head to look his fill of Evan—the line of his jaw and the dip of his lower lip, the deepening laugh lines around his eyes, the catch of his tongue in the corner of his mouth—and saw the shape of his future.

When Evan had asked him to move in that first disastrous time, he’d felt the trap spring, and he desperately gnawed off his own foot rather than risk Evan cutting him free later.  But they were different now.  Evan wasn’t skipping ahead because he was afraid of being left behind and Tommy wasn’t running because he was afraid of what Evan would see in him.  They were in this together, and even if it turned out to be a trap, it was one he was happy to step into.

“Yes,” Tommy said, the certainty settling down into his bones, “I'm ready.”

Evan’s smile broke with all the inevitability of a new sunrise.  He glowed.  “Hey, guys,” Evan said, gaze trained unblinking on his face, “you need to leave.”

“This is my room,” Eddie protested.  “You leave.”

Evan shrugged with a truly terrible play at casualness.  “You can stay if you want, but I’m not responsible for anything you’re about to see or hear.”

And then before Tommy could brace himself, Evan was on him.  He stumbled back into the sink, Evan following along, one hand slipping up under his shirt and the other cupping his jaw, holding him in place as Evan licked into his mouth, devouring him.  Tommy made a noise he really wasn’t comfortable with his friends hearing.

There was a thump of Eddie presumably falling out of bed.  “Jesus Christ, Buck, at least wait until we’re out of the room.”

Evan drew back just enough to shout, “I gave you fair warning!”

“Do not fuck on my bed,” Eddie called back.

#wip wednesday#guys i'm almost done with this fic#and by that i mean a completed draft that has to have the shit edited out of it#but still very close!
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