That Feeling Part 3
Pairing: Dean x reader (eventual), OFC Tyler
Warnings: language, unrequited love, angst, unwanted kissing, depression, anxiety, and feelings.
Trigger Warning: This fic contains discussions of depression and anxiety and feelings that go along with those. If that could be triggering for you I would skip out on this one. It is based on some experiences I have had in real life.
*All mistakes are my own!
I'm back (kinda) here's part 3. I'm thinking possibly two more parts. Let me know what you think!
It has been 5 months since one of the worst nights of my life. I started therapy and have been doing a lot better. It was kinda weird at first talking to someone about my life issues and past traumas, I spent a lot of time just sitting there trying to figure out what to say, especially since I can’t mention anything about hunting. But overall it’s been good. I’ve been taking better care of myself, spending more time with the boys, mostly Sam. Dean has been distant lately but I figured it was because he has spent so much one on one time with me the last few months. Sam has helped me start exercising daily (even though I hate it with every fiber of my being). I’ve lost around 10 pounds which is great considering I still eat a ton of take out. I’m starting to feel like my old self again. I took a break from hunting and started writing, that lasted a hot minute before I was tired of staying home.
Being back in a routine was good, I feel good.
We are on the road currently Sam caught a case about missing bodies. One of my favorite things. They think I’m weird for enjoying the quiet of cemeteries, but I know it’s because the dead are easier to deal with than the living some days.
“Ok, we got four missing corpses. Gladis Bramford was the first, mid 80’s when she passed. They found her head a few counties over, still missing the rest.” Sam was typing away on his computer.
“Who the hell takes a head only?” Dean had a grossed out look on his face.
“Evidently someone had big plans, poor Gladis.” I poked Dean in the shoulder.
Sam rolled his eyes. “The strangest part was her eyes were replaced with red glass, they haven’t been able to figure out which funeral home she was housed at before entering her final resting place.”
“So what do we think, grave robbers, ghouls, demons?” I asked Sam.
“Not sure, we will have to see after we check the head out.”
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Sam went to check out the head while Dean and I looked over the case files.
“You doing ok sweetheart? I know I haven’t really checked in on you lately.” Dean looked at me.
“For the most part yeah, I feel a lot better than I did. I think taking time to get my head on straight helped a lot, plus therapy.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” Dean smiled at me.
I missed spending time with Dean. But I hadn’t pushed him, I figured he needed a break from me and I understood that. I can be a lot sometimes and he has his own stuff to deal with. It’s not easy being my friend. Plus after everything I realized I probably will never be comfortable enough with myself to be with someone. I’m in love with him and probably will always be. Knowing he’s here but I can’t have him is a hard pill to swallow but I’m working everyday to move past it. I know he deserves better and I know I’m not it.
“You haven’t heard anything from that douchebag right?” he continued reading over the files.
“He actually messaged me a few weeks ago from his facebook account. Asked how I was and hoped I was doing better. I ignored it and he kept sending messages, saying he was sorry and he was a dick, blah, blah, blah. I blocked him.”
“What an asshat, he must have balls the size of Texas to reach out to you after the stunt he pulled.”
“I guess so, I was upset by it but I’m moving on.” I smiled at him.
“I’m sorry sweetheart, you didn’t deserve that, any of it.”
“It’s ok Dean, I’ve accepted what has happened and I’m moving on. Choosing between a man and a bear, I’d choose the bear.”
“You don’t mean that, you just haven't found the right man yet.”
I scoffed. “Dean… I’m an overweight, loud mouthed, cursing, strong willed woman, who has extreme trust issues. I doubt I will ever find a man who is ok with that, plus I don’t think I want to put myself out there again, who knows what will happen.”
“Just have me greet them with my glock, I’m sure it will go great after that.”
“In all seriousness I hope you do find someone someday Y/N, you deserve the world whether you believe you do or not.”
My heart sank. The only man I want is right in front of me and he will never want me.
“Thanks De.” I got up to pat him on the shoulder.
“Y/N I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You didn’t, I just have a lot on my mind and need a break.”
“It’s ok Dean, really.” I gave him a small smile.
Once I was outside and had the door closed I broke down, I can’t keep doing this to myself.
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I didn’t mean to upset her. I was trying to give her hope.
It has been five months since I saw Y/N break. I’ve never been so scared in my life seeing her crumble under the weight of the world. I had to step back, let her get her head on straight without me. I don’t want to get used to relying on her to make me feel better. She needs to take care of herself, not me. I missed spending time with her but I knew it was for the best. Plus I know Sam is a better influence. I’m no good for her.
“Dean hey, is Y/N with you?”
“Nah, she’s taking a break.”
“Oh, ok. I was going to let you guys know the cops think it’s a serial grave robber, evidently this has happened before. From everything I’ve checked out, I don’t see a relation to a monster. Maybe we should just let the cops handle it?”
I sighed. “Yeah that’s fine, we can stick around for a few days to see if anything happens.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just worry about her.”
“I know you do, but she’s doing better.”
“I know man, I just feel like I’m losing her. I know I stopped hanging with her but I wanted her to be able to heal without me looming over her.”
“Dean, she probably thinks you need a break from her, you know how she thinks.”
“You’re right Sam, I didn’t think about that. God, I messed up.”
“She’ll be back man and you can talk to her, I’ll go grab us some food before I head back.”
As Dean was finishing his call with Sam, she sneaked back in.
“She’s here now, talk to you soon.”
“Everything ok?” she asked.
Her eyes were red, she had been crying.
“Uh yeah, Sam said cops think it’s a serial grave robber, it’s happened before. Told him we could stick around for a few days and see if anything happens. He’s grabbing food, and should be back soon.”
“Y/N I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” I got up to go towards her.
“It’s ok Dean, I’m just being over sensitive right now.”
“No you’re not, I shouldn't have brought it up.”
“Dean it’s fine really, let’s just drop it.”
“I don’t want to drop it Y/N, I’ve been awful to you these last few months. I was trying to give you space to heal and it backfired. You think I hate you or can’t stand you. Neither is the case.”
“I understand Dean, I know I can be a lot. It’s ok.”
I raised my voice “But it’s not, I feel like I’m losing you!”
“Dean, I was doing fine, great even. Until I realized the biggest part of me was missing you. Sam was great at helping me, sure, but you told me you would stick by my side and you didn’t. I really get it. I’m annoying as hell. Everyone deserves a break. But you know I would do anything for you, hell I have and I know you have done a lot for me. And the fact is, I’m not yours to lose. So stop apologizing, put your big boy pants on, and move on. I’m not going to keep doing this!”
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Dean took a step back and sighed.
He can’t keep doing this to me and I can’t keep doing this to myself.
I could tell I upset him.
I rubbed my head and sighed. “Look, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I just don’t need to keep hearing your apologies alright, I get it Dean. You forget I know you better than you know yourself. I’ll be ok, please don’t beat yourself up.”
Then spoke, “You know I can’t do that sweetheart, beating myself up is my number one hobby.” He laughed.
“Well you need to stop, especially when it comes to me.” I moved back.
“I just need to know it’s going to be ok Y/N, I know I messed up but I will be better. Promise.”
