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Death Prophet

CALL ME HELEN FORREST AND HER ORCHESTRA BECAUSE I'M MAD ABOUT THE BOY

Happy Trans day of Visibility!!

[i am looking out the window at the darkening horizon. you walk nervously into the dimly lit room, clipboard in hand, unsure if i’ve noticed your footsteps echoing on the concrete floor. you try to say something, but without looking back i begin to speak] been thinkin some gay stuff lately

listening to tickers star days lines im sobbing again i need to tell my fwiens i lov them

one consequence of transmisogyny (but not unique to it) is that it makes you into a paranoiac. take the example of the "degendering they" or like the "backhanded compliment," relatively minor interpersonal interactions that trans women increasingly feel hypervigilant about. it's probably counterproductive to assume everyone who gives you a compliment or refers to you as "they" or "this person" (<- phrase that actually revolts me a little now in this context) is doing so condescendingly, in a malicious or even just incidentally diminishing way. but also, everything about your life as a trans woman encourages you to be on alert for these kinds of cues, because if you're not paying attention to them then when the hammer drops it will hit that much harder.

this is one of the best posts ever

People often say LOTR is a story about hope. (I'm reminded of it because someone said it in the notes of my Faramir post.) And that's true, but it's not the whole picture: LOTR is in large part a story about having to go on in the absence of hope.

Frodo has lost hope, as well as the ability to access any positive emotion, by Return. He is already losing it in Towers: he keeps going through duty and determination and of course Sam's constant help.

For most of the story, Sam is fueled by hope, which is why it's such a huge moment when he finally lets go of the hope of surviving and returning home, and focuses on making it to the Mountain. To speed their way and lighten the load, he throws his beloved pots and pans into a pit, accepting that he will never cook, or eat, again.

When Eowyn kills the Witch King, she's beyond hope and seeking for a glorious death in battle. It's possible that in addition to her love and loyalty for Théoden, she's strengthened by her hopelessness, the fear of the Nazgúl cannot touch someone who's already past despair.

Faramir is his father's son, he doesn't have any more hope of Gondor's victory or survival than Denethor does, he says as much to Frodo. What hope have we? It is long since we had any hope. ... We are a failing people, a springless autumn. He knows he's fighting a losing war and it's killing him. When he rejects the ring, he doesn't do it in the hope that his people can survive without it, he has good reason to believe they cannot. He acts correctly in the absence of hope.

Of course LOTR has a (mostly) happy ending, all the unlikely hopes come true, the characters who have lost hope gain what they didn't even hope for, and everyone is rewarded for their bravery and goodness, so on some level the message is that hope was justified. But the book never chastises characters who lost hope, it was completely reasonable of them to do so. Despair pushed Théoden and Denethor into inaction, pushed Saruman into collaboration, but the characters who despaired and held up under the weight of despair are Tolkien's real heroes.

(In an early draft of Return, Frodo and Sam receive honorary titles in Noldorin: Endurance beyond Hope and Hope Unquenchable, respectively. Then he cut it, probably because it was stating the themes of the entire book way too obviously, because this is what Tolkien cared about, really: enduring beyond hope. Without hope.)

Also, people who know more than me about the concept of estel, feel free to @ me.

grief is so crazy like what if i forget what her laugh sounds like. does she know i loved her. i miss her so much. i catch myself doing things she used to do. i wish i could call her. i miss her so much. i do a crossword puzzle. i cry while washing the dishes. does she know i loved her? my heart feels like a hummingbird. i miss her so much. what if i forget what her laugh sounds like. what if i forget.

i talked ab this feeling in therapy yday and my therapist asked me, “would it really be so bad if your memories changed? if they softened and faded or looked different over time? why does that frighten you so much?” and i said, “i don’t want the love to disappear.” and she looked at me for a long moment and then she said, “it won’t. it doesn’t work that way. even if the memories soften or change, it doesn’t mean the love does. that love keeps going backward in time, forever, because you love her still. all is not lost.” i just thought i would share that in case it resonated w anyone else too.

Even the top is broke as hell

Put a pancake on a girl’s head when she’s asleep to keep her warm and safe. 

solidarity with osha. i love a good railing