asstight - hatesleep - squirrelboss

this post's hypothetical by itself is already ridiculous but the thing that gets me is how the wording implies two very funny things that become funnier in tandem

1. "Accidentally, the pitcher tosses a Christian baby" means this is a mistake on the pitcher's part. i imagine the pitcher is breastfeeding on the field and they pitch and they look down at their hands and they see the ball still in the glove and they go "fuck"

2. hitting the baby will still win you the game

[Image ID: Image 1. A screenshot of a post with the poster cut off. "Athiests, imagine you're a famous baseball player and are about to bat the winning hit. Accidentally, the pitcher tosses a Christian baby at you. Would you still hit the baby out of the stadium and win millions, or spare the Christian baby?" the post is listed as having 637 views.

Image 2. A screenshot of four replies, the first from Jan 25 and the rest from Jan 26. First, from @apas-95 "thired implied fact: *not* hitting the baby will lose you the game". Second, from @spaceampersand "Fourth implied fact: you are such a powerful batter that you can launch an entire, un-aerodynamic human infant out of the park. Third, from @fullthrotlaxolotl "Fifth: there is a baseball game which, if you win it, the prize is millions". Fourth, from @haroldosaur "Sixth: you have the unerring ability to determine the religious denomination of a baby that's just been pitched at you".

End Image ID]

it has a certain je ne sais cock

so much of being an ok person is just 1) not panicking, 2) not taking things personally, and 3) not letting the vindictive gargoyle that lives in your head tell you what to do. this sucks because brains love doing those things

not everything needs to have a deeper meaning except for every single little thing in my day that was obviously sent from the universe to serve as some sort of divine sign which must be analyzed and ruminated upon for months on end

you don’t really realize how awesome huge fuckoff intricate medieval tapestries are until you see one in person and then you’re like “oh yeah this beats Netflix”

kitten I’ll be honest the finality of everything in this world haunts daddy like a second shadow

truly the most american thing is Big Drink. more than late stage capitalism, more than an unparalleled cultural focus on individualism, more than 9/11 jokes

what binds all americans together culturally is Big Drink

and you might be saying "is this fat shaming" or "but mayor bloomberg outlawed Big Drink in nyc" or "gays are so annoying about their iced coffee" or some other dumb comment but no open your minds, Big Drink isn't just sugary or caffeinated beverages

every day i see one of you hydration bitches (affectionate) on the train with a water bottle so big a toddler could drown in it. that too is Big Drink. we literally invented a bigger beer can (tall boy) in wisconsin in the 60s in the service of Big Drink

anyway i never feel more american then when i have Big Drink in my hands

"it's all in your head" correct! unfortunately I am also in there

a couple weeks ago this guy posted in the chicago pagan facebook group saying that he’s a djinn and that there’s a portal between here and egypt and only he and one other person had the power to close it and there was going to be a massive sandstorm… like dude, close the fucking portal, why are you even telling us this

youtube needs to implement some sort of 'do not recommend channel + kill yourself for recommending me this' button

the first rules of being pretentious and a hater in an honorable way is to not take yourself too seriously and acknowledge that you're being a little antisocial. if you become self-righteous about your correct attitudes and opinions on things that dont matter then you have become the very cringe you have sworn to fight