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broken but gold

@lexiklecksi / lexiklecksi.tumblr.com

I’m Lexi (she/ her), a 26 year-old poet, aspiring writer, self-taught calligrapher and amateur photographer. Tag game friendly!

Welcome to my [tumblr] blog!

Here is everything you need to know about my blog. Please read through it before you follow me. If you still have questions, send me an ask.

Disclaimer: this is an LGBTIQA+ safe space and also my personal safe space, so I'll block whoever I don't want to sneak around. Blogs with no content at all, mostly nsfw content or blogs promoting self-harm and romanticizing mental illness will be blocked. Also, please don't repost my work! If you like something, you are very welcomed to reblog it.

Get in touch: I’m open to poetry collaborations! Just send me a dm and maybe we can write together. Oh also feel free to tag me in tag games, send me a message or ask questions.

About me: I'm Lexi (she/ her), 26 years old and living in Germany. If I have to describe myself with only three adjectives, I go for: creative, talkative, open-minded. The languages I speak are German, English, French and (Cypriot) Greek. My posts are written in my father tongue German and in English. I’m a poet, aspiring writer, self-taught lettering artist and amateur photographer. I've been posting nearly daily to weekly on this blog since July 2017 and I'm very thankful for the online friends I made here, especially in the writing community. Shout-out to my mutuals (you know who you are) I appreciate you very much!

About writeblrcafé: Together with @matcha-chai I founded @writeblrcafe, a platform dedicated to show the great variety of writing on tumblr. We aspire to inspire. Join our writing family or just use our tag #writeblrcafe to get your writing reblogged!

About my wip: You can read a very short synopsis of my ya fantasy wip “Drachenbrut” here (tw: murder):

Enya Arati, a half-breed of dragon and human, seeks revenge for her murdered family. She flees from her hometown Trevena and travels through the magical forest Avni, the high mountains of Zaltana and even the ocean in search of other dragon-borns. Humans, elafids, dwarfs, giants, satyrs and magical beings like faeries, elves, witches and mages either help her or hunt her down. Will she get her revenge and set Trevena on fire? Or will her girlfriend, the siren Meara Kailani, help her forgive and chose a different path?

Mobile links:

Tag lists (under the cut): I have three different tag lists: a tag list for my original writing in English (poems and short stories), a tag list for my wip and a tag list for my original writing in German (poems and short stories). Let me know if you want to be tagged by commenting.

My frequently used hashtags are listed under the cut in case you want to browse my blog easier. For a quick search just click on the hashtags under this post. I hope you find something interesting you enjoy! ;-)

I assigned a writing prompt a few weeks ago that asked my students to reflect on a time when someone believed in them or when they believed in someone else. One of my students began to panic.

“I have to ask Google the prompt to get some ideas if I can’t just use AI,” she pleaded and then began typing into the search box on her screen, “A time when someone believed in you.”

“It’s about you,” I told her. “You’ve got your life experiences inside of your own mind.” It hadn’t occurred to her — even with my gentle reminder — to look within her own imagination to generate ideas. One of the reasons why I assigned the prompt is because learning to think for herself now, in high school, will help her build confidence and think through more complicated problems as she gets older — even when she’s no longer in a classroom situation.

She’s only in ninth grade, yet she’s already become accustomed to outsourcing her own mind to digital technologies, and it frightens me.

When I teach students how to write, I’m also teaching them how to think. Through fits and starts (a process that can be both frustrating and rewarding), high school English teachers like me help students get to know themselves better when they use language to figure out what they think and how they feel.

. . .

If you believe, as I do, that writing is thinking — and thinking is everything — things aren’t looking too good for our students or for the educators trying to teach them. In addition to teaching high school, I’m also a college instructor, and I see this behavior in my older students as well.

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This! This is what scares me the most about AI! Physical exertion is difficult if someone isn't used to it, and it gets easier the more often it's done. When it's done often enough, it becomes a habit. Mental exertion is exactly the same. Thinking is a learned skill just like a sport is, and an entire generation is growing up without that most critical skill.

An unthinking populace is a more easily controlled populace.

I teach at the university level, many of whom are international students who've just arrived in the country. This is a cross-cultural issue I'm seeing. I'd say about 75-80% of my students default to outsourcing their thinking to AI unless you ask them to put all technology away. It really is such a reflex action. It's slower to get the ideas out these days, but if you put them in a situation where they don't have the AI, they can still sort of generate ideas, but they need a lot more guiding. A big part of my job is imparting information literacy on these students, but it's such an uphill battle that reflex and convenience so often win out.

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♾️ Books for World Autism Month + Neurodiversity Celebration Week

♾️ The last week of March was Neurodiversity Celebration Week. My post is (obviously) late, but April is also World Autism Month (beginning with World Autism Awareness Day on April 2). To generate additional awareness, here are a few books by autistic authors and/or about autistic characters. On the last slide, you'll also find books with additional neurodiversity rep (including characters with ADHD, dyslexia, and OCD).

✨ The Bride Test - Helen Hoang ✨ Daniel, Deconstructed - James Ramos ✨ Tonight We Rule the World - Zack Smedley ✨ Paige Not Found - Jen Wilde ✨ Something More - Jackie Khalilieh ✨ Uncomfortable Labels - Laura Kate Dale ✨ The Luis Ortega Survival Club - Sonora Reyes ✨ Margo Zimmerman Gets the Girl - Brianna R. Shrum and Sara Waxelbaum ✨ The Spirit Bares Its Teeth - Andrew Joseph White ✨ The Brightsiders - Jen Wilde ✨ The Boys in the Back Row - Mike Jung ✨ Hating Jesse Harmon - Robin Mimna

✨ Queens of Geek - Jen Wilde ✨ The Maid - Nita Prose ✨ The Heart Principle - Helen Hoang ✨ The Girl Who Played with Fire - Stieg Larsson ✨ Even If We Break - Marieke Nijkamp ✨ The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time - Mark Haddon ✨ Unseelie - Ivelisse Housman ✨ This Could Be Us - Kennedy Ryan ✨ Act Your Age, Eve Brown - Talia Hibbert ✨ The Kiss Quotient - Helen Hoang ✨ On the Edge of Gone - Corinne Duyvis ✨ Against the Stars - Christopher Hartland

✨ Tell Me How It Ends - Quinton Li ✨ Izzy at the End of the World - K.A. Reynolds ✨ Late Bloomer - Mazey Eddings ✨ Fake It Till You Bake It - Jamie Wesley ✨ Whatever Happens - Micalea Smeltzer ✨ Gimmicks and Glamour - Lauren Melissa Ellzey ✨ Last Call at the Local - Sarah Grunder Ruiz ✨ Reggie and Delilah's Year of Falling - Elise Bryant ✨ The Charm Offensive - Alison Cochrun ✨ A Prayer for Vengeance - Leanne Schwartz ✨ Tilly in Technicolor - Mazey Eddings ✨ If Only You - Chloe Liese

Temples are built for gods. Knowing this a farmer builds a small temple to see what kind of god turns up.

Arepo built a temple in his field, a humble thing, some stones stacked up to make a cairn, and two days later a god moved in.

“Hope you’re a harvest god,” Arepo said, and set up an altar and burnt two stalks of wheat. “It’d be nice, you know.” He looked down at the ash smeared on the stone, the rocks all laid askew, and coughed and scratched his head. “I know it’s not much,” he said, his straw hat in his hands. “But - I’ll do what I can. It’d be nice to think there’s a god looking after me.”

The next day he left a pair of figs, the day after that he spent ten minutes of his morning seated by the temple in prayer. On the third day, the god spoke up.

“You should go to a temple in the city,” the god said. Its voice was like the rustling of the wheat, like the squeaks of fieldmice running through the grass. “A real temple. A good one. Get some real gods to bless you. I’m no one much myself, but I might be able to put in a good word?” It plucked a leaf from a tree and sighed. “I mean, not to be rude. I like this temple. It’s cozy enough. The worship’s been nice. But you can’t honestly believe that any of this is going to bring you anything.”

“This is more than I was expecting when I built it,” Arepo said, laying down his scythe and lowering himself to the ground. “Tell me, what sort of god are you anyway?”

“I’m of the fallen leaves,” it said. “The worms that churn beneath the earth. The boundary of forest and of field. The first hint of frost before the first snow falls. The skin of an apple as it yields beneath your teeth. I’m a god of a dozen different nothings, scraps that lead to rot, momentary glimpses. A change in the air, and then it’s gone.”

The god heaved another sigh. “There’s no point in worship in that, not like War, or the Harvest, or the Storm. Save your prayers for the things beyond your control, good farmer. You’re so tiny in the world. So vulnerable. Best to pray to a greater thing than me.”

Arepo plucked a stalk of wheat and flattened it between his teeth. “I like this sort of worship fine,” he said. “So if you don’t mind, I think I’ll continue.”

“Do what you will,” said the god, and withdrew deeper into the stones. “But don’t say I never warned you otherwise.”

Arepo would say a prayer before the morning’s work, and he and the god contemplated the trees in silence. Days passed like that, and weeks, and then the Storm rolled in, black and bold and blustering. It flooded Arepo’s fields, shook the tiles from his roof, smote his olive tree and set it to cinder. The next day, Arepo and his sons walked among the wheat, salvaging what they could. The little temple had been strewn across the field, and so when the work was done for the day, Arepo gathered the stones and pieced them back together.

“Useless work,” the god whispered, but came creeping back inside the temple regardless. “There wasn’t a thing I could do to spare you this.”

“We’ll be fine,” Arepo said. “The storm’s blown over. We’ll rebuild. Don’t have much of an offering for today,” he said, and laid down some ruined wheat, “but I think I’ll shore up this thing’s foundations tomorrow, how about that?” 

The god rattled around in the temple and sighed.

A year passed, and then another. The temple had layered walls of stones, a roof of woven twigs. Arepo’s neighbors chuckled as they passed it. Some of their children left fruit and flowers. And then the Harvest failed, the gods withdrew their bounty. In Arepo’s field the wheat sprouted thin and brittle. People wailed and tore their robes, slaughtered lambs and spilled their blood, looked upon the ground with haunted eyes and went to bed hungry. Arepo came and sat by the temple, the flowers wilted now, the fruit shriveled nubs, Arepo’s ribs showing through his chest, his hands still shaking, and murmured out a prayer. 

“There is nothing here for you,” said the god, hudding in the dark. “There is nothing I can do. There is nothing to be done.” It shivered, and spat out its words. “What is this temple but another burden to you?”

“We -” Arepo said, and his voice wavered. “So it’s a lean year,” he said. “We’ve gone through this before, we’ll get through this again. So we’re hungry,” he said. “We’ve still got each other, don’t we? And a lot of people prayed to other gods, but it didn’t protect them from this. No,” he said, and shook his head, and laid down some shriveled weeds on the altar. “No, I think I like our arrangement fine.”

“There will come worse,” said the god, from the hollows of the stone. “And there will be nothing I can do to save you.”

The years passed. Arepo rested a wrinkled hand upon the temple of stone and some days spent an hour there, lost in contemplation with the god.

And one fateful day, from across the wine-dark seas, came War.

Arepo came stumbling to his temple now, his hand pressed against his gut, anointing the holy site with his blood. Behind him, his wheat fields burned, and the bones burned black in them. He came crawling on his knees to a temple of hewed stone, and the god rushed out to meet him.

“I could not save them,” said the god, its voice a low wail. “I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so so sorry.” The leaves fell burning from the trees, a soft slow rain of ash. “I have done nothing! All these years, and I have done nothing for you!”

“Shush,” Arepo said, tasting his own blood, his vision blurring. He propped himself up against the temple, forehead pressed against the stone in prayer. “Tell me,” he mumbled. “Tell me again. What sort of god are you?”

“I -” said the god, and reached out, cradling Arepo’s head, and closed its eyes and spoke.

“I’m of the fallen leaves,” it said, and conjured up the image of them. “The worms that churn beneath the earth. The boundary of forest and of field. The first hint of frost before the first snow falls. The skin of an apple as it yields beneath your teeth.” Arepo’s lips parted in a smile.

“I am the god of a dozen different nothings,” it said. “The petals in bloom that lead to rot, the momentary glimpses. A change in the air -” Its voice broke, and it wept. “Before it’s gone.”

“Beautiful,” Arepo said, his blood staining the stones, seeping into the earth. “All of them. They were all so beautiful.”

And as the fields burned and the smoke blotted out the sun, as men were trodden in the press and bloody War raged on, as the heavens let loose their wrath upon the earth, Arepo the sower lay down in his humble temple, his head sheltered by the stones, and returned home to his god.

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Sora found the temple with the bones within it, the roof falling in upon them.

“Oh, poor god,” she said, “With no-one to bury your last priest.” Then she paused, because she was from far away. “Or is this how the dead are honored here?” The god roused from its contemplation.

“His name was Arepo,” it said, “He was a sower.”

Sora startled, a little, because she had never before heard the voice of a god. “How can I honor him?” She asked.

“Bury him,” the god said, “Beneath my altar.”

“All right,” Sora said, and went to fetch her shovel.

“Wait,” the god said when she got back and began collecting the bones from among the broken twigs and fallen leaves. She laid them out on a roll of undyed wool, the only cloth she had. “Wait,” the god said, “I cannot do anything for you. I am not a god of anything useful.”

Sora sat back on her heels and looked at the altar to listen to the god.

“When the Storm came and destroyed his wheat, I could not save it,” the god said, “When the Harvest failed and he was hungry, I could not feed him. When War came,” the god’s voice faltered. “When War came, I could not protect him. He came bleeding from the battle to die in my arms.” Sora looked down again at the bones.

“I think you are the god of something very useful,” she said.

“What?” the god asked.

Sora carefully lifted the skull onto the cloth. “You are the god of Arepo.”

Generations passed. The village recovered from its tragedies—homes rebuilt, gardens re-planted, wounds healed. The old man who once lived on the hill and spoke to stone and rubble had long since been forgotten, but the temple stood in his name. Most believed it to empty, as the god who resided there long ago had fallen silent. Yet, any who passed the decaying shrine felt an ache in their hearts, as though mourning for a lost friend. The cold that seeped from the temple entrance laid their spirits low, and warded off any potential visitors, save for the rare and especially oblivious children who would leave tiny clusters of pink and white flowers that they picked from the surrounding meadow.

The god sat in his peaceful home, staring out at the distant road, to pedestrians, workhorses, and carriages, raining leaves that swirled around bustling feet. How long had it been? The world had progressed without him, for he knew there was no help to be given. The world must be a cruel place, that even the useful gods have abandoned, if farms can flood, harvests can run barren, and homes can burn, he thought.

He had come to understand that humans are senseless creatures, who would pray to a god that cannot grant wishes or bless upon them good fortune. Who would maintain a temple and bring offerings with nothing in return. Who would share their company and meditate with such a fruitless deity. Who would bury a stranger without the hope for profit. What bizarre, futile kindness they had wasted on him. What wonderful, foolish, virtuous, hopeless creatures, humans were.

So he painted the sunset with yellow leaves, enticed the worms to dance in their soil, flourished the boundary between forest and field with blossoms and berries, christened the air with a biting cold before winter came, ripened the apples with crisp, red freckles to break under sinking teeth, and a dozen other nothings, in memory of the man who once praised the god’s work on his dying breath.

“Hello, God of Every Humble Beauty in the World,” called a familiar voice.

The squinting corners of the god’s eyes wept down onto curled lips. “Arepo,” he whispered, for his voice was hoarse from its hundred-year mutism.

“I am the god of devotion, of small kindnesses, of unbreakable bonds. I am the god of selfless, unconditional love, of everlasting friendships, and trust,” Arepo avowed, soothing the other with every word.

“That’s wonderful, Arepo,” he responded between tears, “I’m so happy for you—such a powerful figure will certainly need a grand temple. Will you leave to the city to gather more worshippers? You’ll be adored by all.”

“No,” Arepo smiled.

“Farther than that, to the capitol, then? Thank you for visiting here before your departure.”

“No, I will not go there, either,” Arepo shook his head and chuckled.

“Farther still? What ambitious goals, you must have. There is no doubt in my mind that you will succeed, though,” the elder god continued.

“Actually,” interrupted Arepo, “I’d like to stay here, if you’ll have me.”

The other god was struck speechless. “…. Why would you want to live here?”

“I am the god of unbreakable bonds and everlasting friendships. And you are the god of Arepo.”

I reblogged this once with the first story. Now the story has grown and I’m crying. This is gorgeous, guys. This is what dreams are made of.

This is amazing!

firm believe that not everything happens for a reason, sometimes things are just cruel. and they shouldn’t have happened and it’s not supposed to be a lesson because we never deserved such thing.

hm some people in my inbox got really mad at this specifically. nothing you can say will convince me that some of the pain and suffering we go through is our “fate” no, it isn’t

I don’t believe in fate, I only believe in coincidences. Sometimes cruel things happen. There is no virtue in suffering.

Learning anything about marine mammal training will make you re-evaluate so much of your relationship with your own pets. There is so much force involved in the way we handle domestic animals. Most of it isn’t even intentional, it just stems from impatience. I’m guilty of it myself!

But with the exception of certain veterinary settings where the animal’s health is the immediate priority, why is it so important to us that animals do exactly what we want exactly when we want it? Why do we have to invent all these tools and contraptions to force them to behave?

When a whale swam away from a session, that was that. The trainer just waited for them to decide to come back. If they flat out refused to participate in behaviors, they still got their allotment of fish. Nothing bad happened. Not even when 20-30 people were assembled for a procedure, and the whale chose not to enter the medical pool. No big deal. Their choice and comfort were prioritized over human convenience.

It’s almost shocking to return to domestic animal medicine afterwards and watch owners use shock collars and chokers and whips to control their animals. It’s no wonder that positive reinforcement was pioneered by marine mammal trainers. When you literally can’t force an animal to do what you want, it changes your entire perspective.

I want to see that mindset extended to our domestic animals.

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I met my depression

for a drink.

We discussed

fate

and inspiration

as our veins warmed.

Drunk, we stumbled

to the graveyard

and mourned

the adolescence

he stole from me.

He apologized

with eyes welling

in stomach acid

and I

forgave him

for he didn't know better.

Robert J. W.
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