Pinned
I keep being unwell about how deranged the Season2 arc is for them. so i had to make a playlist soundtracking the Jayvik "Bodyhorror Divorce to Cosmic Marriage" speedrun
(cover art by @alphaeridanis and used with permission! I originally pulled it for when this was a divorce playlist but honestly the level of unhinged and horny still captures the vibe Jayvik delivered so well. incredible. no one's doing it like them. no one should.)
for april fools we’re deleting this entire site sayonara you weeaboo shits
"Write for yourself"
Brother, I literally have more than 2 million words sitting in my drafts folder instead of posted on AO3.
I write for myself. I post for community interaction.
Hi Bitches! I have a fun food story I think you'll like.
So I recently discovered there's a produce rescue in my state that purchases unsold wholesale produce at the border to prevent it from being tossed in the landfill. They then sell it off at hella cheap prices. You don't get to pick what's in your box, but, uh. It's 70 pounds of produce for $15, you get what you get and if you're like me you will figure out what to do with it rather than let it go to waste.
Anyway, my last box included an absolutely insane number of Persian cucumbers. So I decided I'd try something I've wanted to try for years, because if I wrecked one or two in the process it wasn't as big a disaster as if I'd tried it with expensive store bought ones, and...
I can make my own glatt kosher dill pickles now, and holy crap, Vlasic can eat its heart out. Mine are crunchier, more flavorful, better-cut and kept perfectly good food from being thrown away, doing them with my produce box meant they were about 1/8 the price, and also pickling is very easy but people think you're amazing and fancy if you pickle your own stuff.
Also if anyone is in Arizona and wants in on this action, it's called Borderlands P.O.W.W.O.W. (Produce On Wheels WithOut Waste) and you can find them here. Here's what my last box looked like:
I should note that's what's left after I split the box half and half with a friend.
HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHITBALLS THIS IS AMAZING!!! Thank you so much for sharing this extremely frugal win AND telling the rest of us how to get in on it. With grocery prices the way they are, this is sure to keep a lot of people from going hungry or missing out on necessary nutrition. I encourage everyone outside of Arizona to look for similar programs in your state! (Though I suspect it's mostly only applicable to border states.)
Also, drop that super crunchy pickle recipe, baby.
Here's more advice:
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YOU HAVE ASKED FOR PICKLES AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE You will need a 32-oz GLASS jar with a screw-on lid. Please note the glass part is really fucking important. We're about to be pouring hot liquids and also pickle brine by its nature will leach crap out of plastics. I reuse storebought sauerkraut jars because I know they're good for holding pickled foods, but mason jars were also literally designed for this. Also please note that if you do this and then put the lid on and put it in the fridge right away, it'll vacuum-seal itself. Which isn't the least bit necessary, but is extremely cool and makes me feel like a boss, 10/10 recommend. INGREDIENTS:
--1/2 cup white vinegar
--1tbsp white sugar
--1 1/2 tsp kosher salt
--grab a bottle of dried dill and just kinda hang onto that
--4-6 ice cubes, or you can use 1/2 cup of cold water if you're afraid of eyeballing cooldown times (I recommend the ice tho)
--cucumbers 1) slice your cucumbers into coins. I used just under three Persian cucumbers and repeated the experiment later with about 2/3 of one of those giant-ass English cucumbers that's as long as your arm. You will almost definitely have to eat a little bit of unpickled cucumber. Or put it on your eyes and pretend you're at the spa with Oscar Isaac handing you a fruity drink with an umbrella, I'm not the boss of you.
2) layer the coins into your glass jar, with a pinch of dill between each layer. Your layers will probably be flat-ish, not actually flat. This is okay and normal.
2a) (some people will say to just dump a teaspoon of dill in there and call it a day. You can do that. I think layering it helps to provide stronger pickles, but it's your kitchen and your pickles, you get to call this shot.)
3) heat your vinegar, sugar, and salt, stirring gently until everything is dissolved. I've never had mine go as far as boiling, but it does get pretty hot, so watch your hands. Congratulations! You've made brine. (Yes, it's really that simple.)
4) put your jar on top of a potholder, paper towel, or trivet--basically you just want a layer of neutral between your about-to-be-hot jar and your cold counter. Pour the brine slowly into the jar. "Slowly" here just means "in a steady stream you can control without dribbling all over the place."
5) put in your ice cubes ONE!!! AT!!!! A!!!! TIME!!!! I cannot emphasize this strongly enough! This isn't one of those "and if you don't remove the souffle at exactly 37.542 seconds at precisely the speed of 1/28th miles per hour then it will collapse" things, but it is an "if you let the brine cool too quickly you will crack or even shatter your jar" thing. You don't have to move like a snail, but please. One at a time. A second or two is all it needs before the next one goes in, but it does need that second or two.
6) put on the lid and stick it in the fridge.
7) shake it once a day. There is no precise timing on this. It just makes sure any cucumbers that've gotten too cozy-cozy with each other get fully dilled and brined.
8) after three days, you have some damn fine pickles. Also if you want some of the most sinful veggie topping ever for grilled chicken breasts, do this with sliced red onion and carrots, and just swap white vinegar for rice vinegar and dill for about one inch of grated ginger. I refuse to take responsibility for any noises you may make in front of your in-laws and regret as a result, but they'll probably understand anyway once they also taste the onions.
Now do watermelons.
No seriously, watermelons are related to cucumbers— not closely enough to cross-pollinate, but close enough that the white part of watermelon rind tastes like cucumbers and it! Can! Be! Food!
I still have three different forms of watermelon rind squirreled away from last summer: sweet pickles (Alton Brown’s recipe), candied in syrup (from a recipe for Greek “spoon sweets” I found online somewhere), and just plain frozen (sliced into green-bean-sized matchsticks first.
They are tougher than your average cucumber and need some cooking to tenderize. But that also means if otherwise unprocessed, the rind can still be crunchy even after being frozen and (briefly) cooked. I mix a handful in with sliced meat to marinate for stir-fry and the rind absorbs the flavors like mad.
If you cook them longer (like soup), the frozen rind does soften but holds its shape and doesn’t fall apart. If you put a *lot* of the rind into an otherwise mild soup, it’ll taste a lot like Chinese wintermelon soup which makes me nostalgic bc my parents used to grow wintermelons in the back yard. I also dice the pickles to mix with ground meat for empanada filling.
In theory it might be possible to shred them fresh into salad/slaw, but I always cook mine before eating bc they’ve already had the melon part eaten out of them first. The green outer skin is very tough so I usually peel that off, unless I want the pickles to be extra-crunchy.
Behold: candied w some pomegranate syrup for extra flavor/color, sweet pickle chunks, and frozen matchsticks.
👀👀👀👀👀👀👀
Another option is Jam.
Jam is fucking expensive, and yours will taste better. This recipe makes bespoke sets of jam
what you want is
4 parts fruit (stone, berry, pear, apple(not mango))
2 parts sugar
1-2 tablespoons lemon juice.
Stove and Thermomix versions
I love how this has turned into a home-preserving thread.
With that said, I invite you all to join me in what I'm starting this year: a LIBERTY GARDEN. As food prices go up, growing your own will become cheaper than the alternative.
The Liberty Garden takes its name from the Victory Garden of the 1940s. Americans at the time were asked to grow gardens for home use so as much fresh produce as possible could be used to feed the troops. This time WE are the troops, and an army travels on its stomach. Grow to fight for liberty!
Good, nutrient-dense options that store well are onions, garlic, potatoes, sweet potatoes, and yams. Growing your own herbs is easy and will save a ton on seasoning. (You can also grow your own ginger!) With appropriate preservation you can also plant basically anything else you like--I'm going for corn, carrots, peas, tomatoes, cucumbers, pumpkins, bell peppers, habaneros, and possibly some other stuff.
Two years ago I got about three dozen Roma tomatoes off a single plant. It was the only plant I got that year--I made many planting mistakes. My Fry's app tells me Roma tomatoes are currently going for about 30¢ each. That means once you take out the cost of a seed packet, I saved $8.
Now multiply that by many plants. Grow your own.
...thank you for reminding my ADHD brain to look up local crop/farm shares, since I live in a co-op building and have no space to plant things (not even a balcony, since my unit is a semi-basement). May be another option for some people - certainly it will help to keep the money I spend on food in the local economy, rather than lining some corporation's shareholder's pockets.
... please don't use random, untested recipes for making and canning jam. The recipe above talks about the lemon juice helping the pectin set, but its primary purpose is PROPER ACIDITY. It's also essential that this is not fresh lemon juice but BOTTLED lemon juice, bc bottled lemon juice is consistently acidic, whereas fresh lemon juice is variable in its acidity and tends to be slightly less acidic.
Without your jam or jelly being at a ph of 4.5 or lower, you can end up with botulism, which can fucking kill you.
(Miss me with "I've done it this way and been fine." To borrow from Tony Stark bc I just rewatched Endgame, "No, you accidentally survived. Totally different thing.")
I would really prefer that you not die.
(Downloadable PDF of the USDA Complete Guide To Home Canning)
I have guides and videos under my "my peasant roots let me show you them" tag, but please, please, please, DO NOT use any unverified recipes to can foods for shelf-stable storage. Y'all are gonna give me a goddamned heart attack.
Mage Viktor
Put baby in pelican mouth poster. For you
I love you, George Takei.
Ireland I love you and for reasons I have not been able to pinpoint, socializing with random people around Irish pubs is so much easier to me than in random bars in America. The food even at run down dive joints is fantastic so far and the water is gorgeous
but what the FUCK is up with bringing sauces to the table as a cup of individual little packets??? Get squeeze bottles??? A glass bottle???? The drippy honey is in this regular ass jar so what I'm supposed to just get sticky honey globs everywhere bc you can never get the spoon fully non drippy???? Squeezie bottles!!!!!
Ngl I totally forgot fandom discourse was a thing. I don’t care man, I have car payments
starting a collection
If I may submit:
At least with your green hair you won't have to worry about wearing something visibly green for paddy's day but you'll definitely get a good few people asking if you specifically dyed it for the day, especially if you're anywhere near a parade or event
Honestly I worried too much about assuming American st. Paddy's day was overdoing it and I was too judgy of the americans on the plane decked out in their st paddy's gear. They were meeting the energy.
Source: I'm currently in a tiny pub on a tiny island in the off season, surrounded by old men speaking Irish. The pub is decked in sparkly green and there is an old man wearing a fake leprechaun beard and hat. So far it honestly looks like American St. Patrick's is not too different from Irish St. Patrick's
