bluesky doesn’t appreciate me the way tumblr does

It's 1am and I'm buying 120m of wood on the internet because I needed a door so I'd say adulthood is going alright

Metres? Like? Square? Or is this gonna be one long, thin door?

Had to pay $50 delivery for the door anyways so I figured I'd also get as much material as I could for my next project to avoid paying another $50 to get that delivered at a later date.

Love the way this is phrased like a 120m2 door would make more sense

Full human body has 2 square meters of skin. So that’s like 60 skin-suits worth of door. If that helps anyone else visualize it.

thanks Babs, we can always count on you

this website is free bc no one would ever pay to see this post

#i feel so dumb for reading “120m of wood” as 120 minutes of wood#as if op had to pay to get to watch a video of wood for 120 minutes#holding my head in my hands#<33

Pay-per-view is getting very uninspired

Meanwhile I thought you bought 120m of planks to assemble a door by yourself.

Yeah the castle needs a new gate

you might think the princess and maid thing is just a schtick but while making tea I did just manage to catch the teabags on fire

Incorrect responses:

Correct Responses:

fries. envelopes. ive been awake for 18 hours can i go to bed now.

you know i think the fact that friends and enemies autocorrected to this and i didn't notice is reason enough i should sleep

Honestly just imagined that an 18 hour shift at the mailing-fries-in-envelopes factory must have been grueling.

Diet culture is hilarious and rad actually

rethink your weekend. Harder liquor on an emptier stomach is just what you need. Trust me, I’m a doctor.

If we lived in an imagined idyllic age of days gone by, Sony would be running TV ads featuring a guy with frosted tips in a sports car saying shit like "switch 2? Try switching 2 Playstation instead" and he'd drive off and you see his car is full of beautiful women and twinks (it's woke) but they'd never do that these days

"oh why are the boys there why is it woke" I'm projecting cherry-picked pieces of modernity I personally find palatable onto my imagined idyllic past that's what makes it imagined and idyllic dipshit

Being chronically ill in your 20s is stupid you have to see your peers like “started a family🥰” “got married😍” “bought a house😇” “scored a promotion😋” meanwhile you’re fighting for your life to take a shower

“so peeping” as a slugcat descriptor enthralled me…

I like how boycotting Target is becoming like, a reoccurring thing done for opposing political reasons

anyone else need like. verbal confirmation that someone is your friend. like aaa i cant call you my friend if you haven't confirmed it yet!!! that's rude!!! and it only works in your case of course

I say shit like "If my memory serves me" knowing damn well it serves the dark lord

*mark as unread several times so I don't forget about it while I try to think of a reply

funny i made a week ago

im still getting notifications about this

I could call @walmart-the-official to make it so you get notifications about it all the time

but why would I do that?

do vampires just use their teeth to make a puncture wound and then suck, or are their fangs like a straw

i havent slept in three days

Vampires don’t suck. They only scrape with their fangs, and lick up the blood.

Could be like an inverse of snakes, where the teeth are grooved to have the blood flow into their mouths by capillary action, instead of venom.

Biology, brah.

Honestly never been entirely clear on this. Some vampire stories, the vampires absolutely suck blood through their fangs, which is really weird. In some they create a wound by slashing or biting and then suck with their lips and cheeks to swallow into their stomachs like fairly normal creatures.

official vampire post

sundays should be 48 hours long. 24 for enjoying sunday other 24 for mentally preparing for monday

Guy: “So what does X mental illness feel like?”

Me: “Feels like shit, bro.”

Guy: “Hmmm. I don’t think so”

Cool so like what if I hit you with a rock. What would that feel like hypothetically

I once had a licensed professional medical doctor tell me to my face within 7 minutes of meeting me that I didn’t have depression because truly depressed people don’t use metaphors.

The metaphor I used was, “I know that all these little day to day things shouldn’t be this hard- taking a shower, eating, getting out of bed- but it feels like everything I try to do, everywhere I go, I’m dragging a king-sized mattress around with me.”

So like. I guess expanding on the idea, don’t just mean “don’t tell me it’s not bad”. I kind of also wanna say, “you asked me how it felt and I fucking told you, so maybe listen to what I say when you ask instead of picking apart how I said it or how it fits within your idea of what it might be like in theory”

that is also a simile and not a metaphor