Melwa & Mellon

actually God is very good and I will die on this hill

Jesus Christ, c. 30-33 AD

you ever feel like you were born with something rotten inside you and if people get close enough they’re gonna find out

Yeah, it's called "original sin", been a problem for everyone since basically the beginning

As it so happens, there's A Guy who's already got it taken care of for you, today's actually the anniversary of Him getting that handled

I want a "there was only one bed" setup but instead of this leading to irresponsible behaviour the gentleman makes a sacrifice of his comfort and sleeps on the floor

You can only REBLOG THIS TODAY

a classic

A field surgeon in a fantasy world has performed life saving surgery on many an orc war band before, unwittingly becoming blood brothers with most of his patients. In his darkest days, his extended family comes to offer their hands.

Hyrea the Healer was not a difficult goddess to serve.

Which was not to say that service was easy. Service to Hyrea took one into dangerous places, and dangerous work. A dedicate of Hyrea went into war, and plague, and famine. Risked death a thousand ways, over and over again. And yet it wasn’t difficult to serve her, if you were the right kind of person. For a person who looked at the sick or wounded or starving and longed to help, it was the easiest thing in the world.

Hyrea marked her devotees in a way impossible to disguise or to mistake. It was possible to replicate the blue tattoos, to an extent, though the ‘blindfold’ was hard to do, eyelids being difficult. The bands around the wrists were easier. But only Hyrea could make them glow with that faint, spectral light. No-one could look on that light, and not know exactly who they were looking at. There were stories about it – about the six healers who had walked onto a battlefield and stood between the two armies, and stopped the battle cold, for neither side had dared to lift a hand against the healers. About proud gods who drove out the humble Hyrean healers, so that only their own priests could heal, and cities emptied by disease spreading from the poorest quarters, where the proud priests would not go. About the warlord who, having struck his enemy down, saw a Hyrean healer kneel to help the man, and in fury struck the healer down as well – and died the next moment, with a dozen arrows in his back, fired by his own men. About villages struck by plague, who saw the blue lights approaching through mist, and opened their barricaded gates to hope. About terrible battles that lasted from dawn until dusk… and then nights full of pale blue lights, moving among the fallen, and a hundred or two hundred or five hundred men found living on the field the next morning.

Temples of Hyrea rose in odd places. In busy cities, in border towns, in little villages, with no apparent rhyme or reason. Only a certainty, in the part of some priest or priestess, that here there would be need of them. They were good at predicting need.

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I was expecting doctor without borders accidentally has army, I'm instead getting a missionary's biography, and THOSE ARE GREAT TOO!

I was not expecting that!

I don’t think anyone was expecting that!

IT GOT BETTER

This is now officially my most favorite thing on the internet

I can totally hear the end in his roaring voice.

Okay everyone can u guess what this is an ad for?

I was so wrong

I would not have guessed that in a million years, no.

So Bail, get this, Bail Organa sends some ships to an Imperial-controlled planet. And those ships get stolen by The Rebel Scum. Bail goes ‘how dare you let my ships get stolen I demand full compensation’ and the Imperial Senate goes ‘ohhhHH of course of COURSE we are SO SORRY here are your credits Mr. Senator Organa sir’ and Bail, get this, Bail uses those credits to buy MORE ships and send them on Relief Missions to planets Suffering From Rebel Presences and those ships get STOLEN right out from under the Imperials’ noses. How could this be??? The INCOMPETENCE. In THEIR GREAT EMPIRE.

And Palpatine, who knows Bail had tea on the weekends with Obi-Wan Kenobi, has seventeen different reports on his desk every week telling him that the Empire is compensating Alderaan for losses sustained on Imperial planets and he’s seething as he signs them because he just KNOWS it’s never an accident and he’s actually funding the Rebellion but he can’t do anything about it because Bail, when asked about it, just presses a dramatic hand to his own heart and says, ‘why, Emperor, I have NO IDEA how The Rebel Scum keeps acquiring my vessels. Maybe if YOUR security forces were more effective we wouldn’t be in such a TRAGIC situation so often. Sign here.’

WHERE is my Hogan's Heroes style show about the Rebellion being insane and it working very well under the slightly more insane Empire?? Yes I know Rebels already exists, but I don't want to see Thrawn turned into a villain we can beat, I want to see Palpatine glaring like Hoschtetter every time he sees Bail at the senate like "WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE" and it's a good question he's absolutely right the answer is to cause problems on purpose but somehow despite the nearly nonexistent bar of proof he'd need to arrest the man, he cannot manage to collect that speck of required evidence

on the topic of humans being the intergalactic “hold my beer” species: imagine an alien stepping onto a human starship and seeing a space roomba™ with a knife duct taped onto it, just wandering around the ship

it doesn’t have any special intelligence. it’s just a normal space roomba. there are other space roombas on the ship and they don’t have knives. it’s just this one. knife space roomba has full clearance to every room in the ship. occasionally crew members will be talking and then suddenly swear and clutch their ankle. knife space roomba putters off, leaving them to their mild stab wounds.

“what is the point?” asks the alien as another crew member casually steps over the knife-wielding robot. “is it to test your speed and agility?”

“no it doesn’t really go that fast,” replies the captain.

“does it teach you to stay ever-vigilant?”

“I mean I guess so but that’s more of a side effect.”

“does it weed out the weak? does it protect you from invaders? do repeated stabbings let your species heal more quickly in the future?”

“it doesn’t stab very hard, it gets us more than it gets our enemies, and no, but that sounds cool — someone write that down.”

“but then what is its purpose?”

“I don’t know,” the captain says, leaning down to give the space roomba an affectionate pat. “it just seemed cool”

this is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard but I thought about it for five seconds and realized that if I were, say, a random communications officer onboard this ship and someone taped a knife to a roomba it would take maybe three weeks before even I was inordinately fond of Stabby. I would be proud of Stabby when I met up with my other spacefleet friends for space coffee, I would tell them about the time Stabby got the second mate in the ankle five seconds before the fleet admiral beamed on board and she swore in seven different languages in front of high command. 

also by the fourth day Stabby would be in the ship’s log, he’d have little painted-on insignia, people would salute him as he went by, and someone would hook up a twitter account to tweet maniacal laughter and/or a truly terrible knock-knock joke every time he managed to nick someone.

Omg so the ting I typed up might actually happen this is gold

I am suddenly astonished that Stabby isn’t Farscape canon. 1812 was weird enough.

Stabby’s little charging dock would start accruing cuddly toys and commemorative holo-vids of Stabby’s greatest stabs. Its insignia would start off at a fairly low rank, but soon, without anyone every discussing it, everyone would know that Stabby got to take the rank of the highest ranking crew member it stabbed. The ceremony for Flag Admiral Stabby was beautiful. The captain gave a speech. 

why am i proud of stabby this is irrational

INCIDENT LOG: 46-7-2 Action #45437: Desc: Covert enemy boarding attempt

Details: Six (6) members of a Mercenary/Pirate crew of little renown attempted to infiltrate ship in order to steal equipment and/or personnel.

Prior to being detained they had remained undetected for eight (8) hours and accumulated several high value materials (see attached log), and incapacitated and restrained several crewmen (see attached log) in dock #3, with the intention of using a life boat to exfiltrate.

Just prior to their would-be escape, the boarding party encountered the ship’s mascot. A cleaning unit which had been modified by crew members to mount a traditional Terran melee weapon, as well as an officer’s insignia (having been jokingly given a commission by the Captain the night before). Curious, one picked it up, before realising the mounted weapon had a nickel finish (highly toxic to their species) on the handle, and dropped it in a panic.

As the unit’s anti-impact sensors had been disabled, it immediately tried to right itself on landing. This caused it to flip over and slash the third knee of the boarder who dropped it, prompting the rest of the boarders to flee. In doing so, they tripped over a waste container, causing the unit to “chase” them, as it collected the trail of dust they left.

The security crew were alerted to the boarding party’s presence by an entry on “Sargent Stabby’s Hit List” - an account on an intership microblogging site which automatically logs any injuries caused by the cleaning unit in question - and quickly intercepted them.

Casualties: Four (4) crewmen treated for minor lacerations sustained after detaining boarding party, one (1) captured crewman treated for negative reaction to sedatives used by captors.

Belligerent status: Two (2) members of the enemy boarding party remain in stable condition in sickbay. Three (3) remaining surrendered peacefully and remain in the brig. One (1) refuses to leave the safety of a storage cupboard he went to ground in.

Recommendations/Actions:

Ok but what about that final bit - all the other space roombas respectfully standing to the side and saluting when Quatermaster Stabby comes past?

Quartermaster Stabby goes on to have many more adventures and many more promotions.

Quartermaster Stabby becomes a famous icon of the human race, proof that humans can and often are unintentionally terrifying, but maybe there actually IS something to their strange attachments to inanimate objects…?

Aliens are now convinced that humans have some weird psychic/aura powers or something. “Object Tamers” they call us. Humans are so amused that they adopt the term for themselves. They love it. They start printing it on bracelets and T-shirts. Aliens can’t tell if this is a joke or a confession.

Through a disturbing number of coincidences like the above, aliens begin to fear Quartermaster Stabby and are legitimately unsure if it has intelligence or not. It doesn’t help that humans refuse to break the joke to explain it to them.

Alien scientists try to explain the strange phenomenon that is Quartermaster Stabby. They cannot. Humans are delighted.

Quartermaster Stabby is eventually promoted to a position of authority over all autonomous drones in the entire human empire. It also escaped the ship once and managed to become the mayor of a small alien city. That city has since begun using the fact as a tourist attraction, and the episode has brought to human attention the fact that Mayor Stabby technically fulfills all of the criteria necessary to become a president or council member. (Minus the sentience.)

Humans are now trying to vote Mayor Stabby into office, using the aliens’ inability to determine its sentience level to their advantage.

They are successful. Counselor Stabby is most universally beloved representative of the human race. (Among humans, anyway. The aliens have mixed reactions, ranging from amusement, to fear, to outrage.)

Counselor Stabby goes on to somehow reveal a corrupt plot among several other counsel members and essentially averts a huge political catastrophe, all because one of the spies dropped her earring and Counselor Stabby ate it. The earring was bugged. Good call, Counselor Stabby.

Every time Counselor Stabby breaks down and has to be repaired, trillions of humans flood its social media accounts with ‘get well’ messages, and many flowers and gifts are sent to the repair bay or to its charging station.

Counselor Stabby has somehow blundered its way into receiving all of the highest honors that can be bestowed by human society. It helps run an empire. It saves lives. It cleans donut crumbs off of the floor without being asked.

All without a single sentient thought.

Counselor Stabby becomes legend.

The humans have started a campaign to use Counselor Stabby as a model to create better bots. 

“Why does a human’s consideration for a ‘better bot’ mean more knives, sir?” the young ambassador said, staring at the contraption in front of him. 

“ we are unsure of their purpose, we have many reports of these creations protecting their home ships. “ The advisor said also staring at the contraptions many spinning blades. 

The residing human walked into the room squealing, quite to loud for the ambassador’s taste, at the contraption. 

“ Aren’t you just a spinning bundle of death! “ The human cried out happily? (The ambassador was still unsure of humans deployment of emotions.) The delivery droid, with knife blades above its propellors, bobbed up and down before depositing it’s ‘gift’ (as the human called it) and leaving through the bot-hatch with a frightening scream accompanying it.

Thes humans, they were, well, humans. The ambassador would need to read more on their culture to even remotely understand them. 

**STABBY**

*buzzes happily*

NEW STABBY FIC!

well maybe the power of love would fix things did you guys think of that? if not we could try biting

@babsbabbles

Gotta preserve these tags via @as-dreamers-do

ironyofslytherin

Science side of Tumblr, please explain how dragons might be able to breathe fire without absolutely obliterating their throats because they’re shooting FLAMES through it and tbh it’s gotta have some sort of protection to not be burned to a crisp.

Is it like a sort of anti-flame mucus that protects the throat and mouth n stuff when a dragon breathes fire?? Simple natural resistance? Magic??? I wanna knoW

~*~*~

onaslansside

There’s no fire in the throat. Instead, dragons spray a liquid (or gas) through specially shaped teeth, similar to a spitting cobra. Different sprays are used for different types of breath weapons as seen in D&D.

Fire-breathing: Sprays a liquid that ignites on contact with air, such as diphosphane, created and stored in a gland in the dragon’s head somewhere. Torchy organs would probably need to be slightly magical to be effective without killing the dragon, but it is chemically feasible. 

Acid breath: Hydrofluoric acid can be sprayed as either a liquid or a gas, depending on the dragon’s species. This chemical compound is created by ingesting the mineral fluorite and combining it with sulfuric acid. Some sea life can organically manufacture sulfuric acid, so it is plausible that dragons could have this ability. Biological note - acidic breath would function as poisonous breath, but because D&D says biological diversity is a thing, here you go.  

Poison gas: Possesses an organ which uses the chloralkali process. The chloralkali process uses electrolysis on pure+salt water+salt to turn it into poisonous chlorine gas+lye+hydrogen gas. This is then sprayed on irritating hobbits. Or trees. Or other dragons, I dunno.

Frost breath: This is not a chemical reaction. Instead you have an organ similar to the lungs crossed with the heart so it has multiple chambers that can be manipulated or filled with air, that is also good at dissipating heat. By use of the Hampson-Linde cycle (read: exploitation of ideal physics by real physics and said organ) it cools the air off and pressurizes it, so it can spray liquid air and make human flavored snowcones. 

Lightning breath: Magically alters the charge of the air just in front of the dragon’s nose, then ionizes a pathway to the target for the electrons to travel through. Like normal lightning but the charge is created magically at funky places.