Pinned
to be loved is to be known. i needed you to dive in deeper, to devour every little thing about me with fervent curiosity.
and you never could. or maybe you just didn't want to.
in my dreams, you hunger and you ache for me. you devour me with curiosity and you are eager to see me, to know me, to unravel and understand me thoroughly.
they don’t feel the need to protect themselves, because they never had to.
you can just tell.
there’s an air of lightness to them, a carefreeness that can only come from a life free of unspeakable terrors. a life filled with love. good love. the kind that tells you “it’s okay”after you break a mug and cleans up the mess with you instead of berating you or hitting you for it.
and so, they don’t flinch at loud noises. the opposite in fact, they are always the loudest in the room.
never needing to be aware of what’s going on, who’s feeling what, because they never ever have to pick up those skills for survival.
they listen but they don’t understand. they don’t pick apart words to analyse them, they don’t tense up or feel uneasy around strangers or feel the need to be guarded.
they aren’t haunted by anything or anyone, wherever they are and whatever they’re doing, they’re always present.
and sure, you can say that i envy them, of course, who wouldn’t wish for a life voided of all the pain & trauma?
but if i’m being honest, a part of me cling onto it like some sort of medal.
look at me, i survived. i’m still good despite it all. am i good enough for you now? i had to fight and claw my way out. you were hand held and you were given it all. all of the love and all of the light. i had to earn it, scavenge for it.
i fought hard to still be here. to be this good.
and that’s something you’ll never understand.
i hope you know how lucky you are to be this young, to be this free and to be here now.
to be unburdened by the lifelong (and often undervalued) responsibilities of motherhood and the emotional torture of an entitled partner’s weaponised incompetence.
so treasure your youth, your freedom, your independence.
in fact, i hope you revel in it every chance that you get.
