i love this tweet bc it’s the exact same genre of culturally tapped in unnecessary haterism i also peddle in

Walking around my neighborhood wearing my sick as fuck custom T-shirt that says "I STEAL EVERY FRIENDLY CAT I MEET WITH NO REMORSE I DO IT ALL THE TIME DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK I BEEN HERE FOR YEARS KEEP THAT BEAST ENCLOSED LEST YE FACE MY LIGHTNING CAT GRASP" and smiling politely while my neighbors' indoor-outdoor cats gently trot down the sidewalk towards me as the neighbors themselves read my shirt with a growing sense of panic.

Unfollow me for cat theft all you want. You'll never catch me and you'll never stop me. Those things are this season's must-have lipgloss in an understaffed Sephora, and baby? I'm a middle-class teenage girl who's not getting enough attention at home...

People in the notes keep saying, "This is just another reason you should keep your cats inside," and I know they just mean the fact that someone in general could steal them, but I like to think they all mean that you gotta watch out for me specifically. Because you do. I'm everywhere. And I'm fast.

more people need to be made aware that the down with cis bus and fefe happened on the exact same day

Professor Layton and The New World of Steam

???

finally misogyny for men 😻

shoutout to the woman from my high school martial arts class who liked to get me in joint locks and then joke about how I was easy to catch. you cannot comprehend how psychosexually formative that was for me

imagine, if you will, having an adolescent half-crush on someone way older than you, which is also confusingly blurred up with admiration of them as a role model. now imagine that you and that person are in a social environment where it is acceptable to (platonically, consensually) choke someone. I think I was very normal about it considering the circumstances

she would demonstrate takedowns on her husband (also in the class, and who was not a small man) before we got to try them and the first time I saw her twist him around and down onto the floor like it was easy my entire abdomen clenched

I cannot stress enough how eager this guy was to be manhandled (womanhandled?) and flipped around by his wife. he was her de facto guinea pig whenever she got to teach and I never saw him unenthusiastic about it. he'd set himself up for a joint lock fully smiling. the other adults in the class occasionally teased him about it (being so quick to let your wife put you in a submission hold tends to raise a few eyebrows), and I always kind of wanted to defend him but what would I have said? like, don't worry. I won't judge you. I also like being pinned down by your wife

That last sentance really hits ya like a psychosexually formative takedown

Same vibes

Why’s it called Real Estate though. Where’s the Fake Estate

Leebeearts quick on the draw today

hey its me your immune system. looks like we caught somethin here. try sneezing real fast see if that gets rid of it. yeah no dice, huh... alright lemme try filling your lungs with fluid. no yeah i do it all the time dont worry works like a charm. hmmm... still no good... alright well just hold tight here for a minute maybe it just needs time to start working. in the mean time ill go fire up the ol' neuron cooker n see if that helps

HEY its me again. false alarm turns out it was just like pollen or somethin haha sorry i can be a little jumpy is all. ...hey man youre not lookin so good are you okay?

PLEASE CYBERBROS DRIVE YOUR TRUCK INTO THE NEAREST LAKE. DONT WORRY ITS A FEATURE

if you willingly drive your car into a lake, expecting it to float, knowing it was built by elon musk its just natural selection at that point

the sky has turned black and scary due to the power of the cruelest monster of the haunted castle

You're taking your time to reappear

2012-09-03