oh my god. holy shit. deez nups. the entire buttering-up of seeing lassiter happy the whole episode only for the shules event at the end..? the look on shawn’s face is horrible. just seeing the moment where he realizes that nothing he ever did was good enough for anybody; that his life and choices in life aren’t worth the effort he put into them. where no matter how much good he does- how many murderers he catches; he’s a failure above all else. it’s a direct parallel to his relationship with his dad; the way that he has to choose profession or love and neither way is a good option. where love sculpts you into an ugly vision of self where you only live to please others; and profession offers you joy but only at the expense of never being able to be yourself. shawn doesn’t win in either of these scenarios and he can’t because there’s no way to. no matter what happens after this episode; I don’t think shawn will ever be fully redeemed as a concept; as a character? sure, they need to keep the plot moving. but as a person? in real life that kind of thing doesn’t just disappear after a couple of filler episodes, it lingers and reminds you that people love you until; until they meet a part of you they don’t like, until they figure out a part of you that they didn’t want to. and it’s your fault for being broken; it’s your fault for having that part; that indescribable part that even you aren’t too sure you’d like to share. but they see it, and all the time before that is only until.

I drink the liquid uranium, my last dying word is shawngus.

something about how gus needs to be needed and shawn always needs.

how long do you think shawn spends crying on gus’ shoulder due to self-worth issues from henry? how many times has gus deconstructed unhealthy thinking patterns shawn developed from constantly being told that he wasn’t enough or wasn’t trying hard enough? sad part is, I’m sure shawn finds himself defending the mannerisms and teachings of his father that’s he’s unknowingly adopted because it’s all he’s ever experienced. to have something like that be inherently wrong in your core developmental years? it changes you. it makes you lie, it makes you loud, it makes you act like somebody you’re not because you’ve been told your whole life that what you are isn’t enough. i think gus has to hold him together for hours in a gentle hug just to make sure the pieces stick together. i think even then, he’s not sure how many more times shawn can take being belittled before he’s unrecognizable.

you ever wonder how shawn would’ve turned out without gus? because i do. sometimes i think that if gus hadn’t been there, that shawn wouldn’t have survived henry’s parenting. i think that his presence and love and kindness were a big part of what made shawn kind, loving, and present.