i didn’t write about her in this ficlet for Reasons but sayu's side of the postcanon deh matsusayu au is no less of a nightmare. ide is correct that she has already figured out matsuda isn’t attracted to her (at least not romantically) and in fact she isn’t attracted to matsuda either she is doing this out of
- fucked up self harm instinct due to The Guilt (if she hadn’t been kidnapped mello wouldn’t have gotten the notebook and her father would still be alive and if her father was still alive maybe light would still be alive too)
- attempt to prove to herself she has Recovered and is capable of doing “normal” things like kissing boys
- subconscious urge to get revenge on her dad by dating a cop (because he always warned her against it and she doesn’t realize it but she’s kind of furious at him for never being home and for saying that saving her, sayu, made him a “failure as a police officer”)
- mix of genuine gratitude for matsuda being the first person to ever tell her (what she thinks is) the truth about her brother rather than treating her like glass, AND an attempt to get him to shut the fuck up and stop poetically describing light dying in front of his eyes