Intern at the Fruity Rumpus Asshole Factory

my hottest take

Counter point, those machines can make me a peach sprite.

guys did you know the tech in that nefangled machine revolutionized preemie healthcare

yeah the guy who invented them made incredibly precise infusion pumps (as opposed to gravity fed ivs) which not only meant they could give medications to teeny tiny babies safely, it's also used for insulin pumps and portable dialysis machines. the key element is that it's a peristaltic pump so the liquid stays in sterile tubing for safety

(unholy drink cloaca uses it to dispense precise amounts of flavored sugar syrup)

Mint choccy chip today

This is cinema actually

THE ALI FORESHADOWING LIKE SHE’S A WIZARD THEY’RE PREPARING TO FACE AND THEYRE WARNING US ABOUT HER LIKE BARDS.

ALI IMMEDIATELY LIVING UP TO THE BALLDS SUNG ABOUT HER.

THE FACT THAT ALL OF THEIR MAGIC COMBINED DIDN’T COUNTER HER SPELL

Are you americans okay???

Everclear is what we have instead of universal healthcare.

Wound cleaner, anaesthetic, surgical instrument sterilizer, and post-surgical cleanup, all in one convenient bottle

what is this show even about

reblog to give your headache to elon musk instead

I’d just like to point out the growth in this post has mostly coincided with elon’s public spiral downward and I’d like to think we’re all a small part of that

bro can’t think because he’s just got a rager of a migraine 24/7

yes I would like to give elon musk my menstrual pain. I think he deserves it

Reblog to also give Elon Musk your menstrual pain.

“Wait if I sheath my sword will he not attac-DID THIS TWINK JUST SLAP ME?!”

Thanks @niksfake

carrie by jesterjamble

out of context transphobic ganon

everyone thinking this is about Link is 100% wrong

I forget, is this the same fic as the one involving a hardball (which opposes softball) game that killed a bunch of people

Every sales job I’ve worked has that one item. The white whale. The biggest ticket you can sell. The sale you brag about when you’re chatting with other industry people.

When I sold mattresses it was a split king adjustable base. That’s two twin extra long mattresses next to each other to make a king, but each side can move independently. They’re insanely expensive and honestly kind’ve impractical but it was the biggest ticket thing to sell.

When I sold sex toys though our white whale was the 20lb ass. It was a female pelvis, a cut out from the waist to the tops of the thighs. It was hyper realistic material and cost about $500. I definitely had bigger tickets but not in one item typically.

In my time at the sex shop, I sold three. Each time was completely different in terms of how the guy acted about buying it. The first man was a little embarrassed and shy about it. I was professional and supportive as I rang it up. Once I handed him the receipt he looked at the box. Then he looked at me.

If you’ve ever wondered how big a box has to be to fit a 20lb ass let me just tell you: it’s pretty damn big. It’s an uncomfortably large armful of box and every side has a picture of the sex toy inside on it. It’s not subtle.

“Could I get a bag….?”

There was no bag that existed that could possibly contain all that ass. “Hang on,” I told him.

I got scissors and tape and covered the box in cut up black bags. Looking relieved he picked up his purchase and left.

The next man to buy one carried it proudly to the counter; self assured and not embarrassed in the least. When I said I didn’t have a bag, but I could wrap it for him he gave a hearty shrug and hefted it into his arms, marching out the door with the butt on full display.

The last man to get one was just kind’ve an odd guy. Not creepy, but eccentric. We got along great, and as I rang him up I said, “Well one guy wanted his taped over, and one guy carried it out. What would you prefer?”

“There’s no bags?”

“No store bags. I think our jumbo trash bags in the back might fit it….?” It seemed rude to suggest putting a $500 item into a trash bag, but he wasn’t bothered.

He considered this then said, “Bring me the trash bag.”

When I delivered it to him he still managed to surprise me. Instead of shoving the huge box into it he opened the box. He took out his new $500 sex toy, and all the little things it came with, tipping them unceremoniously into the trash bag.

“There! Now I don’t have to deal with the box later!”

I was slightly stunned but agreed that I could easily deal with the trash. Then in a move I still think about with delight he flung the trash bag over his shoulder like a Santa with a sack full of ass and sauntered out the door.

gotta say 4chan won a spiritual war by dying via hacking (cool) rather than via capitalism like we will (trite and unoriginal)

sorry :/ your “boyfriend” was displaying a natural inclination towards the prophetic so we feminized her ^-^ your girlfriend will make a great oracle one day

by fomajc on instagram. im losing my shit over this

one detail i think is important to point out: if you look at the video frame by frame, you will see that his pants come off

Oh 𝔽𝕌ℂ𝕂! You didn’t tell me you had a beast in your home. You’ve got a little goggyee. Eh- BOGGY. A poopy dog. A buppy- a little 𝐹𝑈𝐶𝐾𝐼𝑁𝐺 ƊOƐGGУ. I’ve never seen a reell dog before! We only have Lego® Dogs on Lego® Island. 𝒪𝒽! Oh FUCK! Oh fuck nooo! This red bastard’s got teeth! Sharp teethh. He’s going to tear me into little Lego® pieces. I’ve never been so scared in my life! WHAT THE FUCK this is like a jumpscare from Five Fuckers at Uncle Festers. GET ME THE  𝔽𝕌ℂ𝕂  OUT OF HERE!

Every time I think of this I have to watch it

(worldserpent voice) she's fine, guys