View of Arles with Irises in the Foreground (1888) by Vincent van Gogh

One of the weirdest thing about growing up suicidal is that you assume you have no future, you don’t even try to envision it because you see no point. So eventually, you start assuming everyone else sees nothing in your future either. Recently, my friend and I were talking and she said something about how at her wedding I could wear a suit or a dress as long as it matched her bridesmaid’s dresses because the butler of honor has to make a good impression. This hit me so hard because I had never realized before how other people thought about me. She said it so casually like it wasn’t even a hard decision, just a given fact. She loves me so much she saw me at her wedding, standing with her on one of the most important days of her life. And you know what? There are so many people who think about you that way. If that isn’t proof that you should keep going I don’t know what is.

This is called a sense of foreshortened future and it is also very common in traumatized people, particularly in cases involving long-term abuse or the death of a loved one.

This post is making the rounds again so I wanted to add an update. I kept going, despite all of the times it felt impossible. It was absolutely worth it. I struggled for many years with this feeling, and even when not actively wishing to die I often just assumed my life would end.

I wrote a digital time capsule when I was 14, about the same time I made this post. I described what I wished I could have one day but felt like it would never happen. It was simple, my own place, potted plants, a cat. It’s been seven years and I have everything I wanted and so much more. I have a job I love, a partner who lights up my world, best friends I see every day, and I’m about to finish my bachelor’s and start my master’s degree. I have this life I am so grateful for because instead of succumbing to this feeling of nothingness, I decided if there was nothing I would make something to replace it.

Make plans for yourself, even if you don’t believe they’ll happen make them anyway. If they don’t happen you’ve lost nothing, if they do (spoiler alert they can and will!) then you have amazing things coming to fruition.

Don’t give up on or avoid therapy and medication. They can change your life, and if you have tried before and found it ineffective please don’t give up on it all. I had lots of trial and error before I found the meds I needed, and now they help me live a full life and I don’t rely on them as heavily.

Reach out to your family, friends, and communities. Do not try to go it alone because it is 1000 times harder and it doesn’t have to be. If you have a dream, no matter how small, pursue it. I mean it! I started giving myself a sense of life by decorating my bedroom. You do have a future even if you can’t see it through the fog. Light up a lantern and keep going! You will find your happiness.

If you share this post please share and encourage the sharing of this version. While I respect people’s need to express their feelings of hopelessness, I am getting an influx of messages, tags, and activity where commenters reaffirm in themselves that it will never get better, life is hopeless, and that this post just confirms their state of mind. That is not the effect I wished to make with this post in 2018 and it isn’t in 2024. The point of my original post was that despite the feeling, you are not alone, you exist, you are seen and wanted, and your depression is the thing barring you from happiness. You don’t have to magically overcome hopelessness, but please consider the impact of reaffirming hopelessness to myself and others online. You have the right to share the words I posted, but I would be grateful if you shared all of them.

Kinda want to share this with my coworker, reblogging so I can keep it while I think about how to bring it up

they should invent a Me that knows how to draw

There is not a single game on planet earth worth 70 dollars

sometimes a theme recurs in your work without your permission. and sometimes it reaches a threshold where you're like. well now i think this is saying something about me against my will. don't know what though

Day 20 of Sirentober / Doctober

Hands / Journal

You can tell who never made a deal

Available as a print on my Etsy Shop

they should. give me one thousand dollars every month so i can commission artists who are very clearly unwell

andrew's first pro game in the city aaron lives. he doesn't send tickets or ask aaron to come and he doesn't even tell aaron his team is coming to town. if aaron wants to come he will. andrew can't make him do anything.

between quarters, the jumbo tron is showing a "look-a-like" game on the screen where the camera operators find people in the crowd who look like different celebrities or animated characters. andrew's not paying any attention to it when the crowd goes wild. a teammate nudges him to look up and lo and behold, wearing a Minyard jersey is andrew minyard's look-a-like, aaron minyard himself.

he rolls his eyes when the camera focuses back on him for the side-by-side shot and but aaron can see that andrew is actually very pleased.

Two mimir

rereading aftg is so funny like I have a crystal clear image of Andrew in my mind and he's the most handsome guy in the whole series while Aaron looks like a vague shape even though they're identical twins

So in sports, it's possible for particularly skilled players to pull off unprecedented moves such that the entire sport's rulebook has to be updated to accommodate.

A player pulls some ridiculous move and everyone is in a flurry of "is this allowed?? Does this count?? Should we make this an illegal move??? Should it be a legal move??? What do we do about this, hurry before other players try to copy him!"

I'm aware of it happening once for basketball (though I don't recall the specific game changing event).

Anyway, Andrew Joseph Minyard is the first goalie to score a point for his team. Someone tries to score on him and he shoots that shit all the way into the other goalies zone and that shit lights up red. The game practically stops moving, the crowd is quiet for all of two heart beats before everyone fucking loses their shit. The stadium is shaking so hard might as well register as a small earthquake. Rulebook gets consulted expeditiously. Due to it not being referenced at all as a possibility, it's not technically an illegal move. Andrew's point stands.

They make that shit illegal thereafter, though. Making Andrew not only the first goalie to score a point across the field, but the last.

It puts him in the hall of fame.

It also gets him laid.

Neil promised Andrew ANYTHING as long as he closed off the goal and Andrew asked him to take his shirt off - the closet is fucking glass

and Neil picks up on this and starts yapping just to be kissed even more

Her tattoos are a need!

& you know what it actually IS lifechanging to smile at strangers & say please & thank you & goodmorning & compliment someones outfit & help someone in need & be more accepting of loving other people just because they are other people!!!

sisters.