What cars would all the little characters in Helluva Boss drive?

My brain continues to rot in relation to Vivienne Medrano's wonderful hell world, so let's do the same thing we did with Hazbin Hotel and figure out what cars everyone drives!

Starting with everyone's favorite spineless jackass, Moxxie.

Moxxie has a lot of mafia backstory, so an imposing black sedan is the ideal choice. Unfortunately, Mox is too much of a dorky theater geek to drive something like a Mercedes or Cadillac, so he gets a Volvo 240

It's precisely at the correct intersection of tough and badass, but also soft and sensitive.

Next up, Millie. A country girl with a penchant for battleaxes.

She gets a Ford Bronco. Country girls make do. (Blitzø frequently asks to borrow it)

Without further ado, onto the furry bait. Loona! Everyone's favorite syphilitic goth girl.

Loona is a naïve, troubled teenager who puts on an aggressive outward appearance as a self-defense mechanism. And when a teenager is trying to find themselves? Volkswagen Golf.

Diesel.

Divesting away from the working class characters, there's my personal favorite gay recently divorced owl, Stolas!

As royalty, Stolas couldn't be seen driving around in anything as plebian as a people's car or Swedish brick, he gets the best of what Europe has to offer. A relatively new Bentley Flying Spur. It blends in well in the driveways of other Goetia family members.

Stella, Stolas' recently ex-wife, insisted forcefully that she did not want to be a passenger to Stolas.

She would much rather take her Range Rover, long wheelbase of course. Think of what people would say if she only had the standard model?

Let's see. Fortunately for us, there aren't actually that many characters in Helluva Boss, so we're nearly done already!

Fizzarolli! What a guy. Great clown and burn victim.

Fizzie didn't buy his own car, of course, His boyfriend Asmodeus bought the car for "himself", but in practice only Fizz drives it.

Fortunately, our friends at General Motors made a car that's exactly as comically exaggerated and larger than life as Fizzarolli himself. Asmodeus picked the Hummer EV because it's big and safe.

Finally! Last but far from the least, the Helluva Boss himself, Blitzø!

Unlike most of the other characters, we've actually seen Blitzø's car on the show! Multiple times, the company van driven by him is shown to be a 1980s-era first-generation Dodge Caravan

That's the main cast!

Which show do you want to see next? I've been thinking about all the digital circus characters lately, specifically how Ragatha would drive a Kia Soul.

BONUS ROUND:

Mammon! The sin of greed and very not funny clown himself.

Mammon is pretty bad. Sin of green personified, and all. He needs a car that's ostentatious. Over-the-top and a symbol of excess wealth.

For me, there is no better automotive version of that than a Gold-plated Brabus G-wagen. The Mercedes G-wagen is already the richest most pointlessly ritzy car around, and Brabus is a tuning house that makes the car both more expensive and even more luxurious. Plating it gold is just the icing on the cake.

they need to make hrt that replaces your skin with metal plates and your internal organs with circuitry

CRT, circuit replacement therapy.

We literally cannot let them start charging 80 dollars for video games 70 dollars was already outrageous 60 was pushing it. 80 fucking dollars. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND. For MARIO?!?!?!?!?

ideally people would use some critical thinking and talk with their wallets by simply Not Buying It but at the end of the day emotionally immature and financially irresponsible morons are still gonna buy it day one because "buhubbuhh but maro look so good ......"

i really really dont understand the outrage like things have gone up in price due to inflation yeah im sorry but the whole reaction from people just seems treatlerite

if it was inflation, why havent wages gone up? if it was inflation, why aren't all game publishers releasing their games at that price? baldurs gate and black myth: wukong released at 70, but they've both been lowered to 60. helldivers was and is still 40 dollars.

theyre not gonna send you games, you dont have to defend them

Hey look! A thread about game prices that completely ignores any history before the year 2000!

In the 1990s, Super Nintendo cartridges could cost $60 - $70. Adjusted for inflation, that's up to $150 today! And these 2D sprite games did not cost hundreds of millions to even billions to develop. Starfox64 in 1997 cost $79.99. These game prices *are not a new thing*.

Games got cheaper when the Playstation and other disc-based consoles hit the scene. A disc costs significantly less to manufacture, so PS1 games could come down to $50. Then over the course of 30 fucking years, the price of *everything*, including games, has gone up steadily. That's how economy works.

Expensive AAA games also are made by hundreds if not thousands of brilliant artists and developers working harder and longer hours than ever before. HD textures, high-polygon models, all the graphics and technical advancements gamers complain if they don't get cost a lot of money.

And you know what? If that's too expensive for you, simply don't buy AAA games. We live in the golden era of indie games, for every $80 GTA there are literally hundreds of creative, excellent, and brilliant games made my passionate independent artists. Go buy those games if you can't afford the latest and greatest, gaming is more for everyone now than ever before.

And if you have no money, fortnite is FREE.

People freak out about check-engine lights, but they've never bothered me too much. They're just there to let you know that something mild has gone wrong, and that maybe you should pay your mechanic too much money to take a look at it in the immediate future. Me, I don't worry about what it has to say.

Most of its complaints are not critical. An engine, even equipped with modern electronics, is not capable of figuring out its internal state to this level. Let's consider a normal, everyday situation: I'm halfway down what is likely to be a 12-second quarter-mile pass, the nitrous is flowing, and I've missed my shift.

Despite the imminent danger to manifold, I will not get a check engine light for bouncing the valves off of the top of the pistons, degrading them into the modern-art form of scrap metal. At best, I'll get a little "oopsy woopsy, misfired!" warning as the block saws itself into three million razor-sharp pieces, and ejects the crankshaft into the stands. However, I will get one on the way to the racetrack, because my gas cap is loose.

With this known, the enlightened mind realizes that you can ignore whatever the check engine light has to say. If it really found out something important, then it will be obvious to you pretty soon anyway, and there's not much you can do about it until then. Better to just floor it.

Of course, there is one exception. Sometimes, the check engine light keeps you from flooring it. The car, in its boundless and triumphant wisdom, knows that you are going to hurt it if you actually try to use all the revs you paid for. In this case, the average shitbox owner will attempt to fix the check-engine light. This is the wrong impulse, and will only teach the car to be more pessimistic in the future. The correct thing to do is to grab a different car from your hoard, and ignore the first one until you have absolutely no choice but to fix it. That'll teach it to complain.

literally how is driving not incredibly scary for everybody. how is it so normalized. girl you are going to DIE out there

this tbh

Can u imagine brand-new father Trevor Bruttenholm wakes up and there's the silhouette of a demon in his doorway with glowing orange eyes and he's scared shitless for half a second before Hellboy says "I frew up"

I uh. I love this idea.

This is how Trevor gets his white hair.

Bonus:

What Cars Would All the Little Characters in The Amazing Digital Circus Drive?

Welcome! To the AMAZING DIGITAL car show? That's right! We're gonna profile all of the characters and figure out what each of them would drive, based on their personality and requirements.

Starting off with the most popular total irredeemable asshole, Jax!

Jax is the worst. He's brilliantly entertaining, but he really only cares about himself and entertaining himself. He needs a car that's driver-focused. Something fast enough to get into trouble, and fancy enough that he can feel better about himself driving it.

His modified BMW 328i coupe fits perfectly. It's the perfect combination of smug and wrathful that suits him. It's also lightly modified on larger wheels, basic "cold air" intake (the box said 10 horsepower!) and a crackle tune with a shitty exhaust. It pops and bangs along as he weaves through traffic, the turn signal stalk having never been touched once.

Next up! Our favorite ray of sunshine, Ragatha.

Ragatha is a sweetheart. Often, sickeningly so. She needs a car with as much preschool teacher-energy that she has.

Ragatha has a Kia Soul. She saw the hamster commercials on TV and thought they were adorable. When she walked into the dealership, the salesman's mouth watered at seeing an easy target. She pointed to the top of the line model right in the center of the dealer showroom and said "That one is adorable! can I have that one?". She then spent 3 hours in the dealership getting fleeced for every single optional extra the Kia salesperson could come up with.

Moving onto our resident bug collector, Kinger!

Kinger, despite not really being all there most of the time, is clearly very intelligent. He seems the most aware of the actual mechanical functions of the Digital Circus, and fans theorize that his "bug collecting" comes from being a QA tester before he got shlorped into the circus.

Kinger would absolutely drive a SAAB 9-5 Aero Wagon. Fun Fact! Back when SAAB actually existed, they had, statistically, the highest-educated drivers of any car brand. I actually work at a major university, and I still see a good dozen SAABs being driven by professors with more degrees than a thermostat.

My lovely dysphoric darling Zooble is next!

Zooble is a functionalist. They're observant and intelligent, but they feel unheard in the circus. Zooble needs a car that works hard for them. They value the utility of their vehicle above all else, and their car can often blend into the background unseen.

Zooble's Ford Ranger is perfect for them. It's an truck. It goes down the road, it has space in the back for objects and things. Rangers were rather disposable back in the day, but luckily they're quite repairable which makes up for it. Zooble has no problems getting their hands greasy when need be!

Unmasking to our next little character, Gangle!

Gangle loves Manga, she's an artist who's not very sure of herself. She likes Japanesey-things, which like, who doesn't? and we also know her old job as a shift manager! This means we know her budget, which is: low

Gangle likes her Nissan Micra because it's cute. She got it because it was cheap, and she keeps it because it's good on gas and surprisingly fun to drive! Low weight will do that to ya.

Finally getting to the big man himself, Caine! no relation to Abel.

Caine is larger than life. He needs a car just as insanely exaggerated as he is, something that has no basis in real-world practicality, but is just more. More engine, more bodywork, more flair, more everything.

The 1930 Cadillac V16 Phaeton is exactly that. It's 18 and a half feet long, has 8 headlights, two grilles, two spare tires, two entire dashboards! The rear seat passengers even have their own windshield they can flip up when the roof is down. Not to mention the incredible V16 engine means it has double the cylinders and double the size of an already very large V8. It also has an "awooga" horn which just feels right.

Finally! Last but never the least, our protagonist herself, Pomni!

Pomni is down to earth. She values things she can be sure of, and the Digital Circus really throws all of that off a cliff. She's also reasonably intelligent, emotionally and numerically. She would value a car that gets her from point A to point B, every single time while carrying whatever she needs to carry. Something she can rely on.

She'd drive a Toyota Corolla Hatchback. Dependable. Reliable. There when you need it, just like Pomni.

Thank you for tuning into another What Cars Would All the Little Characters Drive! Comment any suggestions for the next cartoon you'd like to see!

BONUS ROUND

Gumigoo!

Mr. Goo is a genuine Aussie badass. Only a genuine Aussie legend would suit him, so as if there was any doubt,

He'd roll up in a genuine Holden Commodore Ute. SS of course, Gumigoo loves the good good V8 rumble.

Jeff Brouws (1991)

This grey car is a 1977-1979 third generation Chevrolet Caprice.

This red car is a 1983-1985 first generation Toyota 4Runner.

See: black top, rear window shape, reverse light, decal style research seems to indicate was dropped by '86.

The 4Runner's trans quality was discussed in a @things-about-cars-in-posts post, and the Hilux it was based on was the subject of its second most popular post. Caprice ID by friend of the blog and ex-owner @vic-sinclair-96, 4Runner ID and post by @tumblehcendrum

Hey look it's me

Road work ahead?!

YEAH, I SURE HOPE IT DOES