Farewell 2022

Friday before New Years Eve, Travis and I took Alex, Ethan and his buddy Camden, visiting from Seattle to a Nuggets game. It was fun to watch them win in the fourth quarter. We had a good night with them. 

We now have a photo for the ages! Ethan in a bra. Thanks to the friends and their gift exchange! 

Thoughts on the year from Kedzie

Well. We have made it through the year. It's definately had its highs and lows. I've overcome two knee surgeries, have felt with depression and anxiety, have had to deal with the loss of friends, not having friends, and making new friends, new anime's, traveling to new places, learning so much about the world, and even learning more about myself. It's been interesting for sure, and I'm ready for the new year. Have new exciting plans for the future and can't wait to see how my journey ends up, but one thing I know for sure, is that everything I'm experiencing now is for a better and more perfect me when I finally return to my Heavenly Parents. Onto 2023!

Thoughts on the year from Alex

Hi. I don't really know what to say but what the heck! This year was better than most years with switching schools from rocky top over to stem lab. It was a little hard at my new school for a week or so to fit in but I knew that my friends the twins, Trindon and Braylon, would be there for me. I had some problems with depression this year but I believe now I am fine with my meds. I think that I have had the easiest year as far as the kids go but lets see what 2023 brings us!

Thoughts about Ethan and the year! He's too busy right now hanging out with friends and playing video games to come and type anything. Let's see, Ethan...he retired from playing soccer, he did ref still but doesn't love it. He made a ton of money and is now broke. He has a crush on a girl named Nalah and took her on his first date with Adam and his date to Boondocks for many hours. They talk all day at school and text each other regularly. He talks inappropriately for a reaction. His best buddies are Adam, Daniel and Owen. He also got a 4.0 this past semester; finally realized if you put in a little effort, it will go a long way. 

Thought about Triston as he is inpatient. Triston has so many friends! When he walks into the school, everyone rushes to say hello. He has excelled in sports this year and is fast and smart in soccer and basketball. Triston likes girls and has girl friends on a regular basis. He isn't ever overly happy at home and smiles all the time when he's away from home. Now, I realize he was battling depression. From the outside, Triston looks amazing and thrives. On the inside, he is struggling with issues of abandonment through his adoption. We love Triston and will never leave him. 

Thoughts from me for both Travis and myself! We are tired. We are filled with faith. We are together and supportive of each other and our kids. We are doing our very best; knowing we are imperfect. We love each other and we love our family. We look forward to growing and learning in 2023. 

Phoebe says: I love my mom and my family but my mom the most

Wiley says: scratch my belly please and feed me. 

Happy New Year friends and farewell to 2022! 

And, here's to eleven years since my mom passed away. I beg of her and my Heavenly Father to help our family day in and day out. Now, let's do this. 

 

Sweet Triston

Triston has probably been struggling for the past few years with some depression, but we were clueless. He was happy away from home and always moody at home. He wasn't a big talker of feelings and emotions. We just attributed it to his personality. Over the years I've asked if he wanted to talk about adoption and he always answered no. He didn't want to celebrate adoption day or even talk about it at all. He's been talking with a therapist for the past month, no progress. 

Triston has had some challenges with making good choices on his phone. No need to go into details, I'm sure you get it. He lost his phone a few weeks ago for good and subsequently snuck onto his computer, stole his old phone and got caught.

Thursday night, he stated that we needed to hide the knives. We immediately went to the emergency room where he was placed inpatient at a hospital in the area. He hates us, never wants to live with us again, thinks we are too controlling, hates that we force him to do one chore a day and go to church regularly. Those were his complaints. 

In November, he stated that he didn't feel like he belonged to his birth family or our family and his friends were his family. This is it. This is the issue. The abandonment from his birth parents is coming to a head and he doesn't know how to deal with it other than making us feel as badly as he's feeling. 

We are so sad for Triston. We are sad that it's come to suicidal and homicidal thoughts. We are sad that he has to lash out at us, but guarantee we are family through the law and God. We aren't going anywhere.

We've talked to him three times on the phone. He's sounded better each time. Today is day two I guess. We don't know when he'll return home. He's started medication and now we are 5/6 in this house for antidepressants. Thanks to modern medicine. 

Looking forward to having Triston back at home in the near future. He's missed. 

Christmas 2022

Christmas break has been calm and good. Ethan has been snowboarding 4-5 times and the boys have played with the twins and other friends. Kedzie has worked a lot as have Travis and I. 

Christmas Eve we worked hard to just make it to the time when we could open our Secret Santa Gifts! A highlight of our holiday. Everyone did great at their gift giving. So fun to watch them grow and realize what someone else would enjoy for a gift. Triston gave Kedzie acrylic markers. Ethan gave Travis some lottery tickets where he won a whopping $2. Alex gave Triston a box of chips and a Hawaiian shirt. Travis gave Ethan a scale to weigh himself on. I gave Alex a hoodie and hair cut at a professional salon instead of our bathroom and Kedzie gave me a beautiful bracelet with a picture of the two of us inside. We then went down to the Giving Machines in Denver and finally found a restaurant that would take us...Red Lobster in Northglenn. I love my little family. 

We all got matching pj's these year instead of shirts. Everyone seemed to genuinely love them! 

Christmas morning began at 6am. Triston was planning for 4am but over slept. They patiently waited until we all went to open presents together. It was an adulting Christmas for the oldest two as they were excited but knew what they were getting and it was a sad/happy Christmas. We've all experienced that. Triston and Alex were still pumped and giddy about opening each gift. Everyone was happy with their pillage. We are blessed as a family to have to many blessings. 

Camp Nou Stadium lego 

scooter and basketball 

snowboarding stuff

computer

Grandma gave them all money and they love that idea! 

around 8, I headed to work until 2:30 with my sweet friend Carolyn while everyone else dressed up and headed to one hour church. They're a good looking bunch! 

After church and work we went to the Bradford/Brigham house for Christmas food and festivities. We had fun with our colorful gift exchange, wrestling and to top everything off, Karaoke! Everyone participated and smiled about it!!! Grateful for our friends who love and include us in their family gatherings. 

The three aunties on Earth got together for their annual lunch. Grateful they'll still get together and send a picture! 

The boys got friends (and Alex's crush) together and went bowling at Boondocks. Alex arranged everything! These boys and one girl are so happy and so silly together. Loved watching them. 

Travis and Triston completed this challenging puzzle! Congrats boys. 

Grateful for the Christmas season. For the excitement in the air. For the time to think of others and to remember the Savior and His birth and life. It was a Merry Christmas indeed. 

 

Talks of Suicide

I've been wanting to write a post about my experience with the word suicide. It's been a word out of the mouthes of all four of my children. I don't take this lightly. We don't take this lightly. This is a hard and awkward post to write, but I want my kids to know that they are strong, brave, beautiful humans who are surviving 100% of their hardest days. I want them to know that their dad and I are here to support them all the way. I want them to know that I love them. Period. 

Earlier this year, when Kedzie began struggling after her first knee surgery in January, this song by Em Beihold, Numb Little Bug was released. It resonated with her. It was her theme song for a good six months. 

I don't feel a single thing
Have the pills done too much
Haven't caught up with my friends in weeks
And now we're outta touch
I've been driving in L.A.
And the world it feels too big
Like a floating ball that's bound to break
Snap my psyche like a twig

And I just wanna see if you feel the same as me

Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die
Like you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive
'Cause you gotta survive
Like your body's in the room but you're not really there
Like you have empathy inside but you don't really care
Like you're fresh outta love but it's been in the air
Am I past repair

A little bit tired of tryin' to care when I don't
A little bit tired of quick repairs to cope
A little bit tired of sinkin'
There's water in my boat
I'm barely breathin'
Tryna stay afloat
So I got these quick repairs to cope
Guess I'm just broken and broke

The prescriptions on its way
With a name I can't pronounce
And the dose I gotta take
Boy, I wish that I could count

'Cause I just wanna see if this could make me happy...

Kedzie started therapy around that time and her therapist is worth everything and more! He listens and teaches and honestly is one of the best things for her each week. About two weeks ago, my friend mentioned that her daughter was worried about Kedzie hurting herself. When I confronted Kedzie, of course I said all the wrong things like don't leave us, think about how sad we would be, you're too valuable...all the things I thought I was supposed to say. She then sent me a post on Instagram that said that I should just tell a person who's thinking about suicide that they are valued and that I will be here for them through whatever they are going through. Fortunately, Kedzie has no plans to hurt herself, and she has so many people who will listen to and support her, that she isn't going to hurt herself right now. We will continue with therapy and medication and love and support and being there for her every step of the way. It's been a hard year for her.

So then I start thinking about how hard high school has been for her. Friends have come and gone, Covid, online learning, masks, six feet, two knee surgeries, learning to study and earn grades, thinking about college and leaving home. It's a lot for my sweet girl. No wonder she is is barely breathing at times. As a mom it breaks my heart. I'd love to just hold her and protect her and never have her experience anything negative ever again, but that's so not reasonable. She has to experience the bad in order to have good. I'm here to be strong for her, to listen, to guide, to love. I'll always be her biggest cheerleader. However, I have my own issues and truly wish my mom was on Earth for the both of us. I have to believe she's helping us from Heaven. 

Alex is doing great right now. New school, different friends, new soccer team, excelling at life. However, last year he would express wanting to kill himself, or die or not be alive and run off to his room or hide somewhere until he was ready to come out and talk. 

In November, Triston lost his phone privileges and was found with a butcher knife to his chest in the kitchen. I immediately took the knife and followed him to his room where he cried and cried. He finally mentioned that his friends are the only people that want him and that he feels comfortable with. He actually, finally said that his birth parents didn't want him and he doesn't think we want him. We talked about how much we want him and all he miracles it took for him to become a member of our family. He's a teenager right now and friends are everything to him. He's now in therapy, as am I to help him and get through his teenage years in tact. All he wants are friends, freedom and fun and he's only fourteen so it's not time for that yet. He also struggles with telling the truth because he doesn't want to get into trouble. I don't think he was truly suicidal, but we made it through that night and every one since and continue to move forward with love and support and a lot of patience.

Ethan had his own suicidal thoughts in sixth grade. This is where it all began for our family. He needed medication for anxiety and depression and a years worth of therapy with an amazing therapist. He also needed to grow up and learn to trust more and share some of his emotions in a healthy way, rather than an angry way. He's come so far. He's still crazy and we are excited for how amazing he will be at 25 when his frontal cortex is fully formed (lol) but he's no longer suicidal and he can sorta express his emotions in a healthy manner. He cried this week when his feelings were hurt by friends. I was proud of him and how he handled it.

I have NEVER had suicidal thoughts. I'm so grateful. So, basically I don't understand at all what my kids are feeling, expressing, experiencing, but I'm here for them. I love them. I will listen to them and encourage and hug or not, and hold or not, but I'm their mother first and foremost and I think they all know that. If not, hopefully they'll read this and understand more clearly how important they are to me. They are my life...my kids and my sweet husband who struggles to understand and teach all of us! 

This is hard stuff. This is deep stuff. I can't even begin to understand how it is to be a teenager in 2022. Again, I'm proud of my kids for learning and growing and making it through 100% of their hardest days. Keep on keeping on. We can do hard things. I love you so much Travis, Kedzie, Ethan, Triston and Alex

Tis the week before Christmas...

Travis and I took Ethan out for a steak dinner because, guess what?! He got a 4.0 and earned it. He turned around his mentality and is putting forth the effort he needs to get good grades. He is amazing and he was the Physics Student of the Quarter! Proud of him  

Our cute Chick-Fil-A girl in her gear

Triston's back to playing some Saturday basketball for the time being

Travis made like 50 loaves of challah bread for friends and then some cookies like his grandma used to make. He loves baking and everyone loves partaking!

Before being spayed...

After being spayed...Nuf Said. lol 

Watching the World Cup Final

Argentina vs France

Argentina and Messi for the win

Wahoooooooo

Two of my cute nursery kids, twinning is winning

Alex and Triston spent 3.5 days in Cripple Creek at Julie's cabin with the twins and Nolan and Jen's family and Jina. They had a great time playing hide and seek outside in the dark, games, watching movies and just hanging out together over break. They're lucky to have these great friends. 

I'm lucky to have great co-workers! 

Jenna, Emilee, Natalie, Kristine, Carolyn, Austin and me

Filling the Christmas vibe

My cute Kedzie and Wiley 

Someone or two love the hot air from the blow dryer when wet or cold! 

Natalie, Kristine, me, Bridget, Chris, Carolyn and Jenna

Case Management Christmas Bowling Party. Loved it! 

The shirts cracked me up! 

-12...cold and beautiful and we got snow! I think we will have a white Christmas this year. 

Channeling our inner Santa and Christmas vibes.

Grateful the kids will humor me and go see Santa. I was working, so Travis made sure they got to see the big guy before the big day. Ethan's asking for an F-150. Hope he's okay with his lego AT-AT from Star Wars. It'll get him around, won't it?! We are excited in a different way this year for Christmas. Alex has kept our Elf on the Shelf on the move. He's wrapped gifts. Everyone's excitedly purchased their secret Santa gifts. They've even purchased some friend gifts. It's exciting to see them grow and get more into the spirit of Christmas. Today is Christmas Adam, we are going downtown to see lights and have dinner on Christmas Eve. Grateful for the time we have together and to celebrate each other and the birth of our Savior. We are truly blessed with so many wonderful things.