If you thought that The Phantom Menace was George Lucas getting a bit self indulgent, then this is George Lucas in front of a bordello in Amsterdam with his shorts down around his ankles.

All of his worst habits are exposed in this film, from pacing that makes you feel as if you've aged a decade in the run time, to the nonsensical script, to the criminal underused of legendary actors.

Okay, enough with how much I don't like this…

You know... up until recently, this film was considered the Dogshit worst Star Wars film. But then the führer of fun himself, Mickey Mouse, bought Lucasfilm. Following that, they made the best film in the franchise, one mediocre film and 3 that are nigh-on Sex Lives Of The Potato Men bad. So is Episode 1 as bad as I remembered the first time I saw it as an adult?

No. The score for this movie slaps, and the CGI holds…

Okay, film 3, here we fucking go. We all know that the forest moon of Endor is supposed to be Kashyyk, home of Chewbacca, but this movie ran out of budget halfway through filming.

To be honest, this is my least favourite of the original trilogy. Luke is melodramatic to say the least. Discovering your biological father is a monster isn't that bad, and I speak to that from experience. Harrison Ford legit sexually assaults Carrie Fisher in this movie…

Okay, you pack of ravenous cunts, I'm going to be doing one Star Wars film a day. So, after the disney/Joseph Campell fanwank that was A New Hope, I set my arse down on the couch and decided to watch the second movie.

The Empire Strikes Back is widely regarded as the best of the original trilogy, and I'm happy to tell you that it's true. Luke learns a lot more about himself, a fun adventure turns into a nightmare,…